Very confused by expectations

Did they come to DHs funeral?

I see you are in touch re inheritance, so would it be appropriate simply to send condolences and through email ask if they are doing a charity donation in DGS name that you could contribute to rather than intrude on their day?
That leaves the invite in their hands

2Understand, I am so sorry at your loss, you must miss your husband so much. You must be reeling with everything.
Send a message of condolence, no more, your feelings matter, they don’t want you in their lives and you need to protect yourself, there is no reason for you to go. Solicitors will sort out the will.

Just stay away, they dont love you, and omit them from your will

It sounds like there is no need for you to go, and you should not feel guilty in any way.

2Understand

I am recently widowed which has been a difficult adjustment. My husband's son's wife has been estranged from my husband and me and his son can not stand up for himself. We rarely saw them and in 27 years and never invited to their house or out to dinner. Since his father's passing, the son only corresponded to my emails regarding distribution of assets. My husband left each of his kids nearly $1M. 4 days ago their son was killed in an accident. In the obituary there was no mention of my husband predeceasing the grandson and there was no mention of me as a surviving step grandmother. My husband and his X have been bitter towards each other since their divorce 30 years ago. After so many years of anxiety regarding their behavior and lack of acknowledgement, I am not compelled to attend the funeral as I didn't get opportunity to know him due to parents' estrangement. As an unwelcomed family member, I really would not rather go. Any thoughts?

If you had no relationship with him or his mother there’s no reason to go

A difficult decision, it's so close to your late DH's funeral that personally I would not go. It really depends on the conversations you've had with your late DH and whether you think he would have gone in which case you may wish to go as his representative. If flowers are being sent then I would just send flowers in your late DH's name or likewise if donations to a charity mentioned then donate in his name.

I've never gone to a funeral unless I've known the person, not just known of but known reasonably well. You don't know your step GS. Send a card to your stepson and leave it at that. You obviously are not wanted or expected to attend. Sad, but be realistic.

It's understandable.
You're grieving for the loss of your husband.
That's quite enough for one person to bear
Best wishes.

That’s a brilliant idea - how cruel can families be. This is the best solution - stay strong and do things for yourself now and ‘try and enjoy life’ good lucj

I had thought about going to appease others but Sunday was my husband's birthday and I was a mess all day. I wasn't expecting to be in such a state but could not help myself. Another reason I decided it maybe best for me not to go to another funderal so close to his. I'd have a difficult time keeping my composure. If he were still here, I'd go with him of course. I have indeed prayed for this young man every day since his accident. I like the idea someone presented of making a contribution to a charity my husband gave to regularly in his name. Thank you all for your insights.

Elusivebutterfly

Funerals are not like weddings with invites issued. Anyone can attend and sit quietly at the back.
If I was you I would attend to pay respects on behalf of your late husband, but would not go to the wake.

I think anyone can attend a wedding as well (if in a church?) but obviously not the wedding breakfast etc afterwards. Maybe that's why so many 'celebs' have so many guards!

I don't feel there's any highground to take at a funeral.

Your husband must have been a kind man to leave such a bequest to a son he has almost been estranged from.
Hmm. They will be unable to see past their grief - but you are still grieving. Sometimes it's best to take the high ground in these situations.
Maybe go to the funeral but not the wake to represent your late husband? But your heart will tell you what you should do for yourself.
Will his other sons be going? If so and you see them, that would be a reason to go?

This isn’t about you. Go if you want to.

Whatever you do, it’ll likely be wrong from their perspective. But if you can cope with it, I’d do what Elusivebutterfly suggests

Funerals are not like weddings with invites issued. Anyone can attend and sit quietly at the back.
If I was you I would attend to pay respects on behalf of your late husband, but would not go to the wake.

Fallingstar

“ As an unwelcomed family member, I really would not rather go. Any thoughts?”

I think you already know what you are going to do and for the right reason. If the father and son were estranged it could be seen as ‘awkward’ if you were to show up for the funeral.
Your gut instinct is guiding here, would pay attention to it.

Exactly.

Yes. You can only run on the information you have. There were two people I knew whose funerals I could not go to for various reasons. I did think about them at the funeral time, lit a small candle in memory, and also put an RIP on the memory tree in the local church. I felt that I had paid my respects without disturbing any family choices and had also appeased any feelings I may have had.

I wouldn’t go.

You are still dealing with your own loss, and this funeral is about their loss.
🌼

Why would you expect to be invited to their sons funeral if you didn’t know him and had very limited contact with his parents
It would of course be different if you had been part of the son’s upbringing etc but it appears you weren’t. I don’t see what you are so sore about
Of course you don’t go to the funeral as for the piece in the paper again not really a concern at all, you are not involved with them

As you haven’t specifically been invited you have no reason to go and I doubt they would expect you to. As others have said they are mourning the loss of their son so it would be best for you to send a letter of condolence and leave it at that. I am a stepmother and step grandmother too and I doubt they would include me in that situation either.

I think MissAdventure is right. They will be way too busy thinking about practicalities and supporting each other to give you much thought. You didn't know the son, so reasonable not to go to the funeral. If you don't go, maybe you could visit his grave, if there is one, and place some flowers on behalf of your husband? Or make a donation to a charity in his name?

I think you're overthinking it, to be honest.
They're mourning the loss of someone in a tragic accident; presumably quite a young person.

I doubt they have given too much thought to much else.

To Sadgrandma: No, I have not been invited per se. But I also view being left out of obituary as a surviving grand parent (although step-grandmother) as an indication of being unwelcomed.