Very confused by expectations

Would your husband have wanted you to go, as a mark of respect, I suppose might be the best way to decide.

On the other hand, if you really don't want to go to the funeral it could be clessed as hypocrisy if you do.

You could just send condolences and make a donation to a charity if they have named one. It might not be seen as appropriate if you send flowers or a wreath.

Have you been given any indication that you are expected to go to the funeral? If not, I don't think you should feel obliged if you don't want to.

“ As an unwelcomed family member, I really would not rather go. Any thoughts?”

I think you already know what you are going to do and for the right reason. If the father and son were estranged it could be seen as ‘awkward’ if you were to show up for the funeral.
Your gut instinct is guiding here, would pay attention to it.

Have you actually been invited? I would guess not. As Magenta8 says perhaps send a letter of condolences.

To Sadgrandma: No, I have not been invited per se. But I also view being left out of obituary as a surviving grand parent (although step-grandmother) as an indication of being unwelcomed.

I think you're overthinking it, to be honest.
They're mourning the loss of someone in a tragic accident; presumably quite a young person.

I doubt they have given too much thought to much else.

I think MissAdventure is right. They will be way too busy thinking about practicalities and supporting each other to give you much thought. You didn't know the son, so reasonable not to go to the funeral. If you don't go, maybe you could visit his grave, if there is one, and place some flowers on behalf of your husband? Or make a donation to a charity in his name?

As you haven’t specifically been invited you have no reason to go and I doubt they would expect you to. As others have said they are mourning the loss of their son so it would be best for you to send a letter of condolence and leave it at that. I am a stepmother and step grandmother too and I doubt they would include me in that situation either.

Why would you expect to be invited to their sons funeral if you didn’t know him and had very limited contact with his parents
It would of course be different if you had been part of the son’s upbringing etc but it appears you weren’t. I don’t see what you are so sore about
Of course you don’t go to the funeral as for the piece in the paper again not really a concern at all, you are not involved with them

You are still dealing with your own loss, and this funeral is about their loss.
🌼

I wouldn’t go.

Yes. You can only run on the information you have. There were two people I knew whose funerals I could not go to for various reasons. I did think about them at the funeral time, lit a small candle in memory, and also put an RIP on the memory tree in the local church. I felt that I had paid my respects without disturbing any family choices and had also appeased any feelings I may have had.

Fallingstar

“ As an unwelcomed family member, I really would not rather go. Any thoughts?”

I think you already know what you are going to do and for the right reason. If the father and son were estranged it could be seen as ‘awkward’ if you were to show up for the funeral.
Your gut instinct is guiding here, would pay attention to it.

Exactly.

Funerals are not like weddings with invites issued. Anyone can attend and sit quietly at the back.
If I was you I would attend to pay respects on behalf of your late husband, but would not go to the wake.

Whatever you do, it’ll likely be wrong from their perspective. But if you can cope with it, I’d do what Elusivebutterfly suggests

This isn’t about you. Go if you want to.

Your husband must have been a kind man to leave such a bequest to a son he has almost been estranged from.
Hmm. They will be unable to see past their grief - but you are still grieving. Sometimes it's best to take the high ground in these situations.
Maybe go to the funeral but not the wake to represent your late husband? But your heart will tell you what you should do for yourself.
Will his other sons be going? If so and you see them, that would be a reason to go?

I don't feel there's any highground to take at a funeral.

Elusivebutterfly

Funerals are not like weddings with invites issued. Anyone can attend and sit quietly at the back.
If I was you I would attend to pay respects on behalf of your late husband, but would not go to the wake.

I think anyone can attend a wedding as well (if in a church?) but obviously not the wedding breakfast etc afterwards. Maybe that's why so many 'celebs' have so many guards!

I had thought about going to appease others but Sunday was my husband's birthday and I was a mess all day. I wasn't expecting to be in such a state but could not help myself. Another reason I decided it maybe best for me not to go to another funderal so close to his. I'd have a difficult time keeping my composure. If he were still here, I'd go with him of course. I have indeed prayed for this young man every day since his accident. I like the idea someone presented of making a contribution to a charity my husband gave to regularly in his name. Thank you all for your insights.

That’s a brilliant idea - how cruel can families be. This is the best solution - stay strong and do things for yourself now and ‘try and enjoy life’ good lucj

It's understandable.
You're grieving for the loss of your husband.
That's quite enough for one person to bear
Best wishes.

I've never gone to a funeral unless I've known the person, not just known of but known reasonably well. You don't know your step GS. Send a card to your stepson and leave it at that. You obviously are not wanted or expected to attend. Sad, but be realistic.

A difficult decision, it's so close to your late DH's funeral that personally I would not go. It really depends on the conversations you've had with your late DH and whether you think he would have gone in which case you may wish to go as his representative. If flowers are being sent then I would just send flowers in your late DH's name or likewise if donations to a charity mentioned then donate in his name.