Live over 225 miles away from family

Think your Ds abd DIL are living in another world expecting you to travel down, stay in some accommodation, not knowing for how long, pay all the expenses and then with not willing to let you use spare room obviously feeling you will be in the way.
Yes, you can suck it up and travel, pay for accommodation for however long it takes for new GC to arrive and tgen go back home. If there was a reversed situation would your DS etc do the same for you. Grandparents do exceptional things for family but surely there would be some resoect afforded to those involved. You may be lycky and find an AirBnB that's not too busy in a couple of months if in a not too touristy area and you may be able to extend stay if needed. Otherwise I'd need to mention to DS how impractical the open ended arrangement may be.

This is not the time to tell you son that he is being unreasonable if you want a good relationship with him and his family in the future!

What you can do, is consider whether you would have been overjoyed to make a 225 mile journey with an infant. Are you frankly not being unreasonable to have expected young parents of a first child to do so even once?

The important thing is to consider your husband's well-being. Is he up to this journey, and what help will he be in a household with a new-born baby and a toddler?

Could he manage on his own at home, if you go?

If you read some of all the many other grandparents' threads about feeling hurt at being excluded when a new baby is born, you will realise that for some ,to us incomprehensible reason, midwives, and other advisors are recommending parents being alone with the new baby in order "to bond"

You may, like me, consider this frankly ridiculous, but it is what those your son and daughter-in-law regard as authorities regarding birth and its immediate aftermath are telling them. So don't rock the boat.

You could consider saying, "Son, we would love to come and help, but your Dad is just not up to it, so soon after his hip replacement, and you know how helpless he is when I go away."

I’d go and stay in a hotel as requested. I’d only do it because it was previously agreed and it would be a one off . I’d also leave in plenty of time to dine or have a drink in the hotel at night, after all you are paying for hotel facilities. Just tell them you are going to let them have the evenings to themselves- don’t want to get under their feet

Politely refuse tell them to ask the wife's parents, you are being used

Only do what you and your husband feel you are able to do and can afford. As for not staying with your son and DIL— They should be paying for your travel expenses and hotel etc. What a cheek! These parents nowadays are so entitled. I remember I had my two children in 1978 and 1980 with no parental support at all. My husband also went back to work straight away both times. No parental leave back then. I did help out my son and daughter for a few days when my 4 grandchildren were born.

I would say the journey would be too much for your husband as he has just had a hip replacement. Its all very well wanting to help them but you have to put your husband first

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MawsRosie

^I do have to squirm at the when they’re in labour THEY are not in labour your daughter in law is doing the hard work not your son, please don’t cow tow to the modern idea that they have equal roles in birth situations
WE are pregnant, no WE are not, the woman is pregnant the man had a fun evening.Drives me mad to hear that expression, there’s nothing equal about giving birth^

Needed saying! 👏👏👏

Hopefully the woman had a fun evening too!

wouldn't have wanted my or DHs parents staying at that intense time. So I don't actually think your family are being unreasonable

If they don’t want us there at this intense time, then why ask us to drive down there? It’s not as if we just decided to invite ourselves.
We love our family and want to support them, taking care of our GS as they have asked us to.

wouldn't have wanted my or DHs parents staying at that intense time. So I don't actually think your family are being unreasonable

I agree!

If you can't afford alternative accommodation why not say, "please can you help out" as otherwise we can only stay (say) four days.

Congratulations on your new grandchild and all good wishes for your daughter in law. I hope that it is an "easy" and "ordinary" birth.

“My son phoned to say that we’ll get under each other’s feet if we stay with them (they have a spare room) but I’m not sure how to feel. “…………..sorry, that is a ridiculous excuse IMO. More like DS and DIL don’t want you staying there but they’re quite prepared to use your services as a childminder during her labour!
Unless they live in an area which is attractive to tourists and has lots to see and do whilst you wait in a hotel room for the ‘call’ then I think this is going to be quite unpleasant.
They obviously didn’t think this through before trying for a second child did they?
A five hour car journey post hip replacement surgery is bonkers and shouldn’t be done without agreement from the orthopaedic surgeon or physiotherapist and even with approval you’d have to make regular stops and actually, we always take a break after two hours unless someone needs the loo before then!
I think DS and DIL are being very unreasonable to be honest but the decision is yours to make OP, I wouldn’t be staying in a hotel, B&B etc but my AC wouldn’t expect that.

I’m sure I’m not alone in saying I had 3 children and never asked GPS to help out. My mum was elderly and widowed and the in-laws lived in Ireland. It didn’t enter our heads to ask them to come and stay/or find accommodation near by.
My Dh took his 2 weeks holiday when the babies were born and we managed quite well between us.
My mum popped in and out but apart from that we were ‘on our own’, which was lovely.

ASHANTY

stillawipp

Could you maybe ask whether you can stay with them before the birth & then stay elsewhere once the baby comes? You’ll probably be relieved 5o have a good night’s sleep elsewhere then, rather than being disturbed by a newborn! Explain that you don’t have the funds for a limitless stay…that may then focus their minds!!

We’d hoped to stay with them beforehand so that we were on hand to help out when needed and look after our GS when they were heading to the birthing centre, However that’s the problem as they don’t want us to stay.
Our plan was to go home as soon as baby was born to allow them the time together as a new family. My son will have paternity leave for 2 weeks.

Is a Birthing Centre any different to what we call a hospital / maternity unit.

Aah glad that you’ve made a decision, these things take some sorting out don’t they. Enjoy your time with your grandson, and good luck with everything. At least you’ll be able to rest when you’re back in your own accommodation.

Romola

It's lovely that you've been asked to go, specially as it's your DiL not your DD who is having the baby.
I understand totally that she might prefer you and your husband (is he the GF?) not to be there round the clock. Your presence and support will be very welcome, making sure she gets her sleep around feeding and looking after the toddler.
But give them that time on their own. It can be fraught and tearful, can't it? If you can possibly afford it, check in to a BnB. It's what they want at this delicate time and if you can, do that for them.

Thank you for this.
It’s been a difficult few days but we’ve accepted that we need to book somewhere to stay. My husband is my son’s stepdad (his biological dad was abusive) and has been in my son’s life since he was 8, so is more of a dad than his biological dad.
We’ll plan to go about 1 week before due date (as that’s what they want) and play it by ear as to how long we need to be there for. This may mean we have to move accommodation if the baby arrives late.
I’ll be driving as my husband is recovering from hip surgery and the drive will take at least 5 hours. I need my car as I’m expected to transport my GS to & from nursery, as well as run errands when needed.

It's lovely that you've been asked to go, specially as it's your DiL not your DD who is having the baby.
I understand totally that she might prefer you and your husband (is he the GF?) not to be there round the clock. Your presence and support will be very welcome, making sure she gets her sleep around feeding and looking after the toddler.
But give them that time on their own. It can be fraught and tearful, can't it? If you can possibly afford it, check in to a BnB. It's what they want at this delicate time and if you can, do that for them.

stillawipp

Could you maybe ask whether you can stay with them before the birth & then stay elsewhere once the baby comes? You’ll probably be relieved 5o have a good night’s sleep elsewhere then, rather than being disturbed by a newborn! Explain that you don’t have the funds for a limitless stay…that may then focus their minds!!

We’d hoped to stay with them beforehand so that we were on hand to help out when needed and look after our GS when they were heading to the birthing centre, However that’s the problem as they don’t want us to stay.
Our plan was to go home as soon as baby was born to allow them the time together as a new family. My son will have paternity leave for 2 weeks.

Could you maybe ask whether you can stay with them before the birth & then stay elsewhere once the baby comes? You’ll probably be relieved 5o have a good night’s sleep elsewhere then, rather than being disturbed by a newborn! Explain that you don’t have the funds for a limitless stay…that may then focus their minds!!

I would book something on booking.com or similar platform, you can book now and then cancel usually at the last minute without cost therefore saving you staying longer than necessary.
If dad has paternity leave they won’t need you, when she comes home from hospital. Don’t let your DH drive all that way though if he’s not up to it, maybe ask the DR first.

"Don’t you remember those early days? Yes you need the help but private family time to bond is so important."

No, that is a very modern concept, this 'bonding' as a family and excluding wider family.
With most families years ago, bonding with Daddy happened without the father having paternity leave. Grannies were the ones who were usually around for practical help in the very early days

MawsRosie

^I do have to squirm at the when they’re in labour THEY are not in labour your daughter in law is doing the hard work not your son, please don’t cow tow to the modern idea that they have equal roles in birth situations
WE are pregnant, no WE are not, the woman is pregnant the man had a fun evening.Drives me mad to hear that expression, there’s nothing equal about giving birth^

Needed saying! 👏👏👏

Bluebelle and MawsRosie
"We are pregnant, we are in labour" etc
"the man had a fun evening"
😁

Yes, it is such an annoying expression and way of thinking. My neighbour (a lovely man but very serious!) used those words when he was announcing to us that his wife was pregnant again.
This was their second child; had 'we' (he) been in labour for the first one, I doubt there would have been a second.

I think they are asking a bit much, ASHANTY, as it's not a planned Caesarean or induction and there is no definite date. You could be there for over a week before anything happens.
If they have a spare room it seems unreasonable to expect you to pay for accommodation elsewhere.

Could you fly up when you have news and hire a car? More expense, of course, unless they let you stay at their house.
I'm not sure such a long drive is a good idea after a hip replacement.

I never imagined being a grandparent could be so difficult, but I suppose it is what it is.

It will be more difficult[and different] living so far away.
Lots of grandparents are in the same boat nowadays.
And a number, have family in other countries.

You have to put up with it, I am afraid.

And each family does things differently.
And especially now there can be other cultures involved too sometimes.

Things may change in the future. Or they may not.

If it's a large house and local accommodation is expensive, I think it's unreasonable for them to expect you to stay somewhere else. And if dil goes into labour in the middle of the night, you'll need to be on the spot to mind gs.
As someone else said, 2nd babies can arrive quite fast, and labour often starts at night!
After baby is born, and the parents are home, there will be no need for you to stay longer than a couple of days.
There's still time to discuss options with your son, including not going at all if they insist on you paying for accommodation elsewhere.

Fallingstar

I think staying with your son and his wife at this time could be tricky, I agree with them about this. Not all houses are big enough or offer enough privacy for family to stay for longer periods of time.
And your son and DiL know from having had a baby already how difficult the nights can be, not only could they be worried about both of you suffering sleepless nights but they might be traipsing around semi dressed in the night etc.
An Airbnb would be preferable to a hotel or b&b for a longer period, is cheaper and you will both be more comfortable in my opinion. And I do think that once you have looked after your other GC and helped with the baby you will both welcome getting back to your own space.
Going beforehand could be tricky if the baby goes over the due dates so perhaps suggest travelling down a couple of days before the due date not a whole week, if the baby arrives early it will mean booking somewhere on the hoof but this can’t be helped and you might end up with less choice of places to stay but unless your son and DIL live in a prime tourist spot I don’t think will be too much of a problem.
I wish you all the best with this.
💐💐

I agree. I actually think its wonderful and trusting to be asked at this special time, but they need space, I totally get that as it is what I would have wished, and tbh it gives both you and your DH time out, DH can rest more.

but I admit, ones own experiences colour our POV.

As long as you can afford it - if you can't, can they? Or half and half?

Just bearing in mind the GN's who feel sad they havent been able to see the baby for a while and here you are around the actual birth.