In a Dilemma

You mentioned that you're son and DIL take no accountability for their actions. However, you must also take accountability. They are only behaving like this because you've let them. Every time they get their 'own way' you tell them it's ok to behave like that.
If you don't change, the situation won't, because they aren't going to change.
If you need help or professional support to do this please seek it with a Counselling service, the Police, Citizens Advice, Age Concern etc. But please do something because this will not correct itself, you have to make that happen. I wish you well and hope you find the strength to bring on the change you need.

Gurms this seems excellent advice from NotSpaghetti . I hope you can find the courage to start the ball rolling.

Document incidents:
Keep a private, secure record of dates, times, and instances of controlling or bullying behavior, financial manipulation or threats (such as if x then y).

​Speak with a professional privately.
Call a helpline, legal clinic, or trusted doctor from a safe place so family members cannot monitor the call.

I've looked into the legal situation (only quickly) and it seems that in many provinces, formal notice can be served revoking permission to stay in the property.

If they refuse to leave after notice runs out, police or local sheriffs can assist with removal.
I have actually helped people do this in the UK. It is scary to think of but actually quite quickly over. I ask for the police to come to prevent a breach of the peace. I have done this several times, three of those times to support people who are not physically harmed but have been afraid of the emotional abuse from the people they live with. One was a man in a "good job" with a controlling partner - so you see it can happen to anyone in the some circumstances.

You CAN do this.
It may seem frightening but you are already living in a fearful state and this is a change that you have been wanting for some time. It IS within reach.

Since the home belongs to you, your son and family family generally do not have automatically protected tenancy rights if they share a kitchen/bathroom with the owner and have no formal lease.

I've looked up where to call for help re elder abuse and there are lots of options depending on where you live but apparently you can call 211 for confidential guidance on (say) navigating social services or legal aid in any province. Calling 211 connects you directly to a local area help service who can link you to the right people.
I suppose 211 is a sort of confidential signposting service.
🤞

Wishing you all the best.

As we have no idea of the laws governing Canada, their legal costs, etc, we cannot give advice regarding giving notice, owenership, etc. However, one thing for sure is that elder abuse is something Canada is very aware of and there are plenty of organisations who will give advice or help. I would recommend you find one dedicated to the area you live in to get proper support. .

Remind him that you have been a GREAT mother giving him, his wife and child a free home without any thought for yourself, and if he thinks that is bad parenting, then he knows where the door is.

I do not know how you cannot see DGS if he is in your house. Do not stay in your room but use the whole house as if they were not there - take ownership back.

They are trying to driveyou out so they can have the house.Kick them out.

Oopsadaisy1

I think 2 months notice, so that they can find somewhere else to live might be the answer to this one.
How dare they make you stay in your room because you feel so uncomfortable in your own home?
If the house is too big for you, get some Estate Agents around and put it on the market.
Entitled or what!

Yep. This is the solution.

I agree with Oopsadaisy. Co fined to your room! 🤬 Why are they staying in YOUR house and treating you like that? Disgusting. Tell them to find their own place!

Son...not done!!!

Wow I would be showing them the door and telling them to walk through it. I don't see my grandsons but tbh its the price I accept for not having to put up with my awful dil. Do not stay in your room and ask them to leave. It is not his house it is yours and his disrespect will mot change if you continue to let them rule your life. He will go nc at first opportunity or put you in a home as soon as he thinks he can. What an dreadful couple and showing their Don how to treat parents. Vile!!

Does you sister realize your situation and are you allowed to invite her into your home?

I’m sorry I would not have anyone living with me that I was afraid of son or not, I’m wondering how he can stop you seeing your grandson if he is living with you
Hope you don’t mind me asking but how old are you and are you infirm

Gurms I think you are enabling your son and DIL to treat you badly.
I appreciate you love your grandson but his parents sound foul!
Sorry, I know he's your son but he is angry, rude, loud and very entitled. It's YOUR house and you are caving in, giving them an easy ride.

They are also using the child as a blackmailing tool. Doesn't sound like that will change, no matter how you grovel.

Your 'crime' in divulging the pregnancy to your sister was hardly major and not ill-intentioned. Their anger is disproportionate.

You are being abused.
They need to leave. I dare say when they need child care help they may reach out, but in the meantime it's sounds like you are living in a very nasty atmosphere and being bullied and taken advantage of.

Find the strength to assert yourself if you possibly can.

mrsgreenfingers56

Gurms, are you in the UK?

OP is in Canada

Gurms - you are scared of two people who are parasites on your nature which sorry to say, shows you as weak as this has been going on for years. You run to the safety of your room when they vent at you and threaten you with separation from your grandchild. Frankly, I believe that any adult child who uses a grandchild to blackmail a grandparent into doing or not doing something is despicable. Too many adult children assume an entitled air believing that their parents owe them something when they don't. Your son says you're a bad mother yet you continue to house him and his family? You're enabling this behaviour and what you actually need to do is put your foot down, get legal advice, evict them and face up to the fact that you may not see your grandchildren again but at least you will have your self-respect.

I’m with Ooopsadaisy and Jenniwren. These fecking adult kids at times are too much, I bet he’s an only child (your son) start with looking at one & two bed properties

Gurms, are you in the UK?

You need urgent help and advice.
And actual real life support.
Contact any domestic abuse charity local to you.
All the best.

It would be very difficult for you to do as you are being advised above if you are alone. If you can bring yourself to face the issues and confront your son it would need to be done with someone at your side. Preferably a social worker but failing that your sister or another family member. The local church is another possibility. Their attitudes would at least be witnessed and might make them think again what they are doing.

Good grief woman, kick them out,

Great advice above. I'd just add don't try and soften the blow to getting this abusive pair out by giving money or a share of the proceeds if you move. All that does is convey to them that you are intimidated and they will redouble their efforts. Get support first.

OP lives in Canada.

Could your sister move in with you to make you feel safe while you get them out?
It's hard to pluck up courage and take action. But you can, get help from the sources people have already mentioned. Good Luck. xx

Please please don’t ignore all this heartfelt and extremely sensible and good advice.

Please speak with a trusted person NOW! Whilst you’re still able too.

You simply have to face the fact that your son is a bullying, coercive, nasty man.

Stand up to them, but have someone, a trusted someone, or even two people beside you when you do this.

Have you been hiding your son’s behaviour from your friends and family?

I understand why, but this needs to stop and it needs to stop NOW!

They are living in your house, but keeping their son away from you, and apparently both your son and daughter-in-law are treating you like dirt under their feet!

What have you to lose by asking them to find accommodation elsewhere?

You are already estranged from them,

You are made so uncomfortable that you stay in you own room, instead of going where you want in what is, after all, your house.

If they move out, you will be able to go where you want and do what you want in your own house.

If they are not paying rent and their share of utilities' bills, home insurance etc. then you will be better of f without them.

Frankly, if money is an issue, you would be better off renting a room or two to a total stranger, who could be expected to treat you with respect.

I admit, I do not remember all the details of your previous situation with them, but honestly, it cannot get worse.

In your place, I would give them two or three months' notice and refuse to extend it, irrespective of how hard it may be for them to find other accommodation.

Has your DIL no family, they could live with for a change, if they either cannot find a house, or cannot afford one?