Daughter in Law and false accusations

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021.

Then she allowed him to have regular access as carer, to her m and f children for 5 years?

She'd have trouble convincing Social services, police or a court of that !!!

Silverma

My son really needs my help with childcare while he is working. DIL does little with the children. In a way, my son is, without intention, is putting pressure on me to do as she demands to keep peace in the short term whilst he thinks about how to deal with this. He has to be careful as he is worried sick that he will lose the children. So basically we are all in her hands.

With respect , your son (and you and DH) are allowing her to succeed in making you all behave like people guilty of child abuse.

She's making you keep quiet, when you should be doing the exact opposite. INFORM social services and police that she is using false accusations to coerce you.

If you don't get a grip on this, GS will pay the price. As soon as GS becomes old enough to challenge her or assert himself in normal childish ways, she will use coercive means tocontrol him. Children subjected to coercive abuse by their parent, face lifetime psychological consequences.

So were the accusations about your DH, and what he said to her in the past? Or are they directed against your GD?

Everything has been fine, perfect actually, up until a month ago. We were having my grandson at ours once a week. We have also had granddaughter a few times too. DIL was happy for her to come to ours every week. We suggested that while she is still young we could make it once a month. Then increase this when shes a bit older. DIL then decided her daughter would not come to us then as she " needs routine". We did not argue with this. Then about a month ago I asked if I could bring granddaughter here for a few hours. This is when everything went crazy and DIL started with the accusations.

It would be sad for you and your GS not to see each other. He likely needs you now more than ever.
If it were me, I would go along with doing what she has said, seeing your GS ,n his home,on your own. However I would talk to your son and make it clear that you feel very uncomfortable with her accusations. I would also speak with her too.

Also ... a legal matter. Zero? Very strange.

dies does

Where anything could become zero legal matter the best advice is "document everything". If something is said write it down as soon as you can, satexanc time stamp it noting the actual time and date it happened. Copy all messages onto a flash drive. If I was you is I would also suggest your son dies the same thing.

Being the type of person that sounds emotionally unstable why has it taken her five years to come out with this allegation.
Did anything happen that made her say this for example did you say no to her for something she sounds very manipulative and unstable, I think your son should stand up to her, he is probably brow beaten how old are the children I agree about calling her bluff.

eazybee

Why is your son worried sick that he will lose the children?
If his wife is threatening to make false allegations about him, and also the child's grandfather, your son has to take action. He needs to seek professional advice, from a solicitor and also a doctor, and ensure that these threats are recorded.

Persuading you to comply with his wife's demands because "he knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more." will solve nothing, it will simply make you complicit, and an acknowledgement that your husband is in some way unsuitable to see his grandson.
If your son wishes to keep access to his children he has to face up to the situation now, not think about it, and take steps to protect himself from false allegations. Appeasing his wife will not prevent the situation from developing further.

I agree with eazybee.
A dreadful situation for you all.
Your son is a victim of domestic abuse, not generally recognised when it is the male. He should be recording incidents and verbal abuse. Often when the abuser is not ‘satisfied’ by the reactions the abuse intensifies.
Calling her bluff might have consequences that you need to prepare for, however I’m not suggesting you comply with her wishes.

MarieElla

If she's reported the above to the Children Centre I doubt they'd consider your grandson to be at risk.
If believed, they will simply consider your DH to be a 'dirty old man' or the like, but this doesn't mean he is a danger to your grandson UNLESS your grandson has said something concerning to his parent/s

I agree.

Silverma

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. When my son asked her to explain further she was vague, only saying that he said something like he wished she and I could swap. She is stating that this puts her and her children at risk. She has also texted the same to me and to a local children's centre.

Oh dear! What a daft woman. I daresay your DH comment was a bit saucy, but it could easily have been in jest and why didn’t she just call him out at the time.

2021 is quite a while ago to be stewing over some unfortunate and ill chosen remark and I don’t consider either her behaviour or accusations to be in any way normal.

Follow Monica's sound advice ! Stand by your DH and do not provide child care in their house.

If she's reported the above to the Children Centre I doubt they'd consider your grandson to be at risk.
If believed, they will simply consider your DH to be a 'dirty old man' or the like, but this doesn't mean he is a danger to your grandson UNLESS your grandson has said something concerning to his parent/s

eazybee

Why is your son worried sick that he will lose the children?
If his wife is threatening to make false allegations about him, and also the child's grandfather, your son has to take action. He needs to seek professional advice, from a solicitor and also a doctor, and ensure that these threats are recorded.

Persuading you to comply with his wife's demands because "he knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more." will solve nothing, it will simply make you complicit, and an acknowledgement that your husband is in some way unsuitable to see his grandson.
If your son wishes to keep access to his children he has to face up to the situation now, not think about it, and take steps to protect himself from false allegations. Appeasing his wife will not prevent the situation from developing further.

I completely agree.

Why is your son worried sick that he will lose the children?
If his wife is threatening to make false allegations about him, and also the child's grandfather, your son has to take action. He needs to seek professional advice, from a solicitor and also a doctor, and ensure that these threats are recorded.

Persuading you to comply with his wife's demands because "he knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more." will solve nothing, it will simply make you complicit, and an acknowledgement that your husband is in some way unsuitable to see his grandson.
If your son wishes to keep access to his children he has to face up to the situation now, not think about it, and take steps to protect himself from false allegations. Appeasing his wife will not prevent the situation from developing further.

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. When my son asked her to explain further she was vague, only saying that he said something like he wished she and I could swap. She is stating that this puts her and her children at risk. She has also texted the same to me and to a local children's centre.

Another way would be to tell your DS that you and your DH will visit them both, one evening, when the child/children are in bed, to calmly and rationally talk things through.

As I said earlier, if you cannot/will not state a bit more clearly what kind of allegations are being made, it’s hard to advise on next steps.

You do need to take action.

Your DiL could be unwell mentally, or she could be a nasty vile coercive person.

Whatever the case, if this all goes unchallenged, soon it won’t just be the adults involved who will suffer, it will be any children involved.

Good grief.

Whilst your DiL is making these “accusations”, of course your GS cannot come to your home atm, you need to protect your DH and try and get to the bottom this asap.

Without actually knowing what form these “accusations” take, it’s pretty hard to advise further, but I’d be inclined to speak with Social Services as a precaution.

Apologies if this comes across as harsh Silverma but your son is part of the problem, just as ours was by enabling his wife's behaviour which resulted in us being estranged by him and from our only GC.

If you continue to help with childcare without your husband being able to see his GC you are doing what your son's doing which is enabling this unacceptable behaviour.

If he has real concerns that standing up to his wife could result in him losing his children, he should get some legal advice. You are all being 'held t ransom' and will only be in her hands if you do nothing about it.

It sounds like your DiL may be going through a bad patch mentally and needs help with her wild imaginings. Is she going through a bad menopause?

I'd be inclined to keep things calm and visit your grandson at her house without your husband until things become clearer. In the meantime you will both be able to give your son moral support.

Eventually you may be able to discuss with her face to face what her concerns are about her son being cared for away from home.

My son really needs my help with childcare while he is working. DIL does little with the children. In a way, my son is, without intention, is putting pressure on me to do as she demands to keep peace in the short term whilst he thinks about how to deal with this. He has to be careful as he is worried sick that he will lose the children. So basically we are all in her hands.

False allegations are very distressing.
But the child's voice will be heard and his wellbeing will be prioritised.
So, if she has contacted Social Care with this allegation, steps will be taken.
Call her out on this ASAP.

It sounds as if your d.i.l. is exercising coercive control which is abuse and like all abusers, wants to isolate her victim (your son) from those closest to him in order to maintain her control; that is her agenda.

M0nica's advice is spot on. Unless you and your husband are able to see your GS then refuse to provide any more child care and tell her that any further allegations will result in you taking legal advice.

Keep a record of date, time and a detailed account of any further allegations and in the mean time write down as accurately as you can, what's already been said.

It's reprehensible when parents use their own children as pawns in this way.

How old is your grandson?
What is she basing this allegation on?