Daughter in Law and false accusations

What kind of accusations? I have to admit, no matter who they are, if someone was making false allegations against me, or threatening to, I'd keep my distance to protect myself and my family.

Do not do any childcare while your DiL will not allow your DH to be present. Tell her that if she has any accusations to make against him she should report them to the po;ice so that they can be properly investigated and that until she either does that and he is given clearance, or treats you both of you as a pair, you will do no more childcare.

With people like thisthebest thing you can do is call their bluff.

Great advice from MOnica. I agree do not do any childcare outside your own home

Sounds like your son and DIL need marriage counselling . Distance yourselves. Don't be bullied or manipulated. Perhaps your son would be willing to deliver and collect your grandson from your house?

I agree with Monica. Best to offer child care strictly on your terms. Your house, take it or leave it. I would also record and date any more accusations DIL makes.

Whilst I do not usually believe in slightly sneaky things, I would keep you phone on record when you are there so that exactly what she says is on record, and it can be seen for manipulating intention. Just reading something written cannot give the attitude or tone. I think you and your husband need to talk about what you want to do about this. There are a range of possibilities, from standing back from her and not being involved in any child care, to possibility of speaking to a solicitor who is a specialist in family situations and looking at your choices. So you might end up sending her a solicitors letter , or a recorded delivery one, saying that her defamation of character is something you wont put up with or condone, so that you are calling her bluff and she will see that she cannot use this attitude as and when it suits her. If you let her get away with this she will use it whenever it suits her. and the longer you allow her to blackmail you like this she will then imply that you let her do this as she is telling the truth.

I think that in any case you will be concentrating on keeping a contact with the children, and let them know you are there for them. When the children are older they can come to you without her permission. Good Luck and definitely talk things through with your husband so that you are both on the same page and have a plan.

Keep well away from her. Ask your son to drop the little one off to your house.
They need you more than you need them, apart from your GS.

What does your son say about this?

I would call social services and tell them your daughter is threatening false accusations to coerce family members.

It is not unknown for mentally unstable mothers to purposely injure children or present false symptoms, in order to gain attention and sympathy (Munchausen by Proxy). In other words, your grandchildren may be at risk of harm from their mother.

<https://adc.bmj.com/content/68/4/444>

"False allegations of abuse and Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
R Meadow
Abstract
Fourteen children from seven families are reported for whom false allegations of abuse were made by the mother. Twelve children were alleged to have incurred sexual abuse, one both sexual and physical abuse, and one physical abuse alone. Thirteen of the children had incurred, or were currently victims of, factitious illness abuse invented by the mother. "

I agree with MOnica.
What a distressing issue .
Someone in my family has also made false allegations against a family member and caused divisions .

She will not allow grandson to come to our house. This is a new demand. He was coming every week up to a month ago and there were no issues at all.

He has suffered her emotional controlling abuse for a long time. He knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more. I do not understand her agenda in all of this.

How old is your grandson?
What is she basing this allegation on?

It sounds as if your d.i.l. is exercising coercive control which is abuse and like all abusers, wants to isolate her victim (your son) from those closest to him in order to maintain her control; that is her agenda.

M0nica's advice is spot on. Unless you and your husband are able to see your GS then refuse to provide any more child care and tell her that any further allegations will result in you taking legal advice.

Keep a record of date, time and a detailed account of any further allegations and in the mean time write down as accurately as you can, what's already been said.

It's reprehensible when parents use their own children as pawns in this way.

False allegations are very distressing.
But the child's voice will be heard and his wellbeing will be prioritised.
So, if she has contacted Social Care with this allegation, steps will be taken.
Call her out on this ASAP.

My son really needs my help with childcare while he is working. DIL does little with the children. In a way, my son is, without intention, is putting pressure on me to do as she demands to keep peace in the short term whilst he thinks about how to deal with this. He has to be careful as he is worried sick that he will lose the children. So basically we are all in her hands.

It sounds like your DiL may be going through a bad patch mentally and needs help with her wild imaginings. Is she going through a bad menopause?

I'd be inclined to keep things calm and visit your grandson at her house without your husband until things become clearer. In the meantime you will both be able to give your son moral support.

Eventually you may be able to discuss with her face to face what her concerns are about her son being cared for away from home.

Apologies if this comes across as harsh Silverma but your son is part of the problem, just as ours was by enabling his wife's behaviour which resulted in us being estranged by him and from our only GC.

If you continue to help with childcare without your husband being able to see his GC you are doing what your son's doing which is enabling this unacceptable behaviour.

If he has real concerns that standing up to his wife could result in him losing his children, he should get some legal advice. You are all being 'held t ransom' and will only be in her hands if you do nothing about it.

Good grief.

Whilst your DiL is making these “accusations”, of course your GS cannot come to your home atm, you need to protect your DH and try and get to the bottom this asap.

Without actually knowing what form these “accusations” take, it’s pretty hard to advise further, but I’d be inclined to speak with Social Services as a precaution.

Another way would be to tell your DS that you and your DH will visit them both, one evening, when the child/children are in bed, to calmly and rationally talk things through.

As I said earlier, if you cannot/will not state a bit more clearly what kind of allegations are being made, it’s hard to advise on next steps.

You do need to take action.

Your DiL could be unwell mentally, or she could be a nasty vile coercive person.

Whatever the case, if this all goes unchallenged, soon it won’t just be the adults involved who will suffer, it will be any children involved.

She claims that my husband made sexually suggestive comments to her once in 2021. When my son asked her to explain further she was vague, only saying that he said something like he wished she and I could swap. She is stating that this puts her and her children at risk. She has also texted the same to me and to a local children's centre.

Why is your son worried sick that he will lose the children?
If his wife is threatening to make false allegations about him, and also the child's grandfather, your son has to take action. He needs to seek professional advice, from a solicitor and also a doctor, and ensure that these threats are recorded.

Persuading you to comply with his wife's demands because "he knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more." will solve nothing, it will simply make you complicit, and an acknowledgement that your husband is in some way unsuitable to see his grandson.
If your son wishes to keep access to his children he has to face up to the situation now, not think about it, and take steps to protect himself from false allegations. Appeasing his wife will not prevent the situation from developing further.

eazybee

Why is your son worried sick that he will lose the children?
If his wife is threatening to make false allegations about him, and also the child's grandfather, your son has to take action. He needs to seek professional advice, from a solicitor and also a doctor, and ensure that these threats are recorded.

Persuading you to comply with his wife's demands because "he knows her accusations are lies but feels he has no choice but to go along with her demands to keep her from turning on him more." will solve nothing, it will simply make you complicit, and an acknowledgement that your husband is in some way unsuitable to see his grandson.
If your son wishes to keep access to his children he has to face up to the situation now, not think about it, and take steps to protect himself from false allegations. Appeasing his wife will not prevent the situation from developing further.

I completely agree.

If she's reported the above to the Children Centre I doubt they'd consider your grandson to be at risk.
If believed, they will simply consider your DH to be a 'dirty old man' or the like, but this doesn't mean he is a danger to your grandson UNLESS your grandson has said something concerning to his parent/s