Daughter says no visitors for three months

No they haven’t, but they didn’t. Now however they have set a boundary that I cannot take my granddaughter away again because I didn’t manage to plait her hair properly.

I have one grandaughter who is now nearly 5 years old.She doesn't know me as we have only seen her 4 times.
The last visit I said and few things asking questions about injections etc that I as a parent naturally nothing of and shared both of the children eoth grandparents whom they loved.I was told to mind my own business and I would not be seeing the child again.I only get photos if I send money.Sorry to say a lit of parents think of children as possessions .

I had in-laws who turned up the next day while I was still in hospital after a very difficult birth and MiL also visited us the following week at our home. She didn't live locally and spent most of the time holding and gazing at my DD and as far as I remember did nothing to help. My own mum didn't meet the new arrival for a few weeks when we were able to visit her over 200 miles away and introduce her to the rest of my family. If your daughter's MiL is anything like mine I understand her reservations as interference and unwanted advice were always on the menu!
My own mum missed out over the years as she lived further away and was less demanding and I regret that my children did not have as strong a bond with her.
Sadly MiL is now frail and lonely living alone with one son abroad, estranged from her other DiL and my ex's current partner. My own children visit her when they can, despite busy lives and distance but she has been known to moan that she'd like to see her great grandchildren more!
My ex does a lot to help her but lives a long way away and is in poor health himself. Her other son lives abroad and hasn't visited her for over 3 years. He came to the UK recently for a brief visit but didn't visit her so she hasn't seen her other grandchildren in a long time.
I can't help thinking she has brought her own loneliness on herself to some extent.
It is a pity that reservations about her MiL may be causing you to be more restricted in your contact but hopefully sticking to her rukes will ultimately result in a good relationship.
I don't see as much of my grandchildren as I might like as my DS and family live a fair distance away and spent some time overseas when their eldest was a baby but I have never been excluded, nor have the other GPs. I hope to move nearer in future to improve things but I know I'm very lucky.
Good luck !

Sorry few mistakes read between the lines

Right attitude. Sharing in a family is the best for everyone!

Ridiculous, pretentious, even stupid - but if it's what your daughter wants then I agree that you'll need to go along with it.
I really don't understand what she's trying to achieve. As others have said, you don't need to be alone with your baby for 24 hours a day to bond with it.
I can see that it's hurtful for you, as if you'd be interfering and stopping them bonding, but you have the right idea in planning nice trips for yourself and getting on with your life.
I wondered if the baby's father plans to take three months off work? If not your daughter might find long days with a small baby are pretty exhausting and draining, not the idyllic time she is currently imagining.

There are some good reasons for not exposing a baby to outsiders germs for the first three months as it takes around that long for their immune systems to kick in properly. But that's not what she's saying. I can't see why a visitor would prevent a bonding unless she has the idea you're going to be there for days on end with the baby constantly in your arms. It seems to be the fashion nowadays for parents to make up all sorts of rules and protocols around child rearing. I didn't make mine up I got them all out of a childcare book "11am orange juice; noon scrambled egg; 1pm-3pm afternoon nap" and my poor daughter actually fitted in with the schedule. Luckily. With my next I think we just did whatever whenever. I am sure by the time she has her second child you'll be allowed to visit whenever you want. And help.

I have read of new parents issuing such an edict, because they want a calm time to adjust & bond. I fear they are making an error but it is their choice. Try not to comment on the decision. When the baby arrives, after a few days or weeks they may want to show their baby off to family & friends, or they may want/need help. All you can do it be incredibly supportive. Send the usual cards & gifts, arrange for delicious foodstuffs to be delivered, even prepare your daughter's favourites, stash in a coolbox and leave on their doorstep. Don't try to actually visit, just wait for your daughter to want to introduce you to your grandchild. I'm so sad for you, but you just need to play a waiting game and be as understanding as you can.

I have over 20 years experience working with pregnant and postpartum families as a doula, antenatal teacher, breastfeeding counsellor - and I also run classes online for grandparents.
The daughter is not being "selfish" as some have said - she is however making very unrealistic promises to herself. The first three months of the baby's life are sometimes called the "fourth trimester of pregnancy" because the mother needs help with everything that she doesn't have time for while she gets to know her baby, learning to recognise the cues and to feel relaxed and above all confident. ALL human societies have recognised the need for new mothers to be allowed to rest quietly with their baby, being brought food and not having to worry about housework or any other chores.
Unfortunately some grandparents do interpret this need as giving them a right to interfere, to lay down rules about "how we did it in our day", to chatter constantly when the mum would prefer peace and quiet, offer unhelpful and unsolicited feeding "advice", to manhandle the baby, and to pressurise the mother and her partner to separate the baby from the mother on the pretence that "mother needs rest". Such pressure can be very unwelcome because a new mother is instinctively attuned to her baby, typically, and contrary to what people think she may not thrive by being separated from her baby - and the baby certainly doesn't.
It could be that this young mum to be has heard stories from her friends about overbearing grandmothers and wants none of it.
But she needs to be aware that these days nearly half of all births end with a caesarean and if that's her journey she really will need a lot more physical and practical help than she realises.
The message to get across to her is - if she needs help, just ask for it! The word "visitors" however suggests that the OP expects to sit on the sofa holding the grandchild and being given cups of tea...instead, it would be smarter to gently offer practical and targeted support in the home - cleaning, laundry, cooking a shepherds pie rather than insisting on the right to hold the newborn. "When can I come and help out" sounds a lot more attractive than "when can I come and visit".
If she still isn't interested, how about offering long-distance support such as getting her shopping delivered?
I think there must be more going on here especially with the MIL and not the OP. Daughter may feel she has to send out the same message to both sets of grandparents to make sure she isn't interfered with by the one she's more worried about.

Go along with her - but mention gently that it may be a good idea to keep an open mind. None of us knows exactly how we are going to feel after giving birth, nor what we may or may not have to deal with.
My in laws had emigrated to the other side of the world the year before I had my first. My own mother was not especially keen on babies and small children and she and my father took 3 months to find the time to travel from the north of England to the south to see us. We only had one family visit - from my grandfather in his late 80s- who did not drive and made a long train journey to visit me in hospital.This was much appreciated.
As our child was the first grandchild on both sides this was all rather disappointing and a bit hurtful. It would have been nice to have had more interest shown. Ask your daughter to keep her options open just in case.

PS when parents these days talk of a "babymoon" i.e. no visitors after the birth it's usually a maximum of two weeks.

I dont know what planet you Dd is inhibiting as life with a new baby is very hard to start with and she will need your supports dont fret she will soon be in touch once her other 1/2 goes back to work! Embrace your new G baby what ever happens with lots of love.

Oops inhabiting

Yes. My daughter told us when she was pregnant, but we were not allowed to tell anyone. This continued past the 12 weeks, indefinitely. When we said we would like to visit when the baby was born that too was forbidden. We felt very sad. It has completely ruined what should have been such a happy experience as first time parents and grandparents. Our daughter no longer contacts us, and we both feel that this treatment is due to social media. I am grieving, but there is no closure, and sadly, this kind of estrangement seems all too common now. We have had to accept that she has MHI, and move on with our lives. I am devastated at the loss of my daughter and my grand daughter. People without grandchildren don't really understand. I was sorry to hear that GlamGolfGran is going through what we suffered. I hope your outcome is better than ours has been. 2 years of pain so far, and little hope on the horizon. This is our experience of our first grandchild. They live abroad, so that complicates everything. Unfortunately, we have to let go, as there is just entrenchment and controlling behaviour pushback sadly. Good luck. You are not alone. Sending hugs.

I would tell her she can visit you whenever she wishes and you will be happy to visit her when she is ready. I was fortunate that my daughter wanted to show off her beautiful baby to all the family before she left hospital. Babies do better if the are exposed to germs as they are growing I believe.

Every man and his dog went and saw my grandson when he was born except my husband and I who my daughter in law would have found too stressful, so she said. Finally saw the baby at 3 months old for about an hour having travelled 6 hours to get there and spent £300 + on the visit on hotels and petrol. The marriage didn’t last. Despite all, I have a good relationship with the grandson now - thank you FaceTime etc. Daughters in law can be tricky.

My daughter had her baby when she was mid-thirties. Her then husband said that they wanted no visitors for the first two weeks. My daughter has since said that she desperately wanted her mum, but husband (he was a lot older than her, and thought he was an expert on everything), refused to let me go and help her. Two years later I was looking after my GD 3 nights a week so that DD could work, and the baby had convulsions. I rang my DD and GD ended up in hospital. Son in law insisted that it was just 'fits' and there was nothing wrong with GD. She was later diagnosed with petit mal epilepsy (I think it's called something else now). I am so glad that DD divorced then husband as he was an absolute idiot.

I must be the exception rather than the rule, of the older friends I have had who are grandparents they have been hyper aware that they must toe the line with their DD or DiL, have seldom if ever come across an interfering gran, and posts on here are usually from grans scared of crossing the line rather than actively trying to cross it.
Now back when I was a new mum grans were known for being opinionated matriarchs who ruled the roost. My mum and MiL included. But I can’t remember a single new mum complaining, we were just glad to have an extra pair of hands and managed to ignore silly comments.

I was lucky my two daughters weren’t like that and was only to glad of my help.
However my granddaughter-in-law is a different story, she didn’t want anyone except her parents to visit for the first week which we all respected, after the week I rang to ask when I could visit as I live two hours away it had to be planned,but on another two occasions she made excuses.
I had put together a nice basket of gifts for the baby so one day I had had enough we drove down there, I was on crutches due to a broken foot and when we were an hour away from their house I rang my grandson and said we were in the area and this was the only chance I would have to meet my first great grandson, he agreed when we got there she was upstairs laughing on the phone and didn’t bother to come down my grandson thanked us for the gifts but nothing from her, we didn’t even stay 20 minutes.
She has always been very strange and would make an argument with her shadow.

I suggest just accepting it and then wait and see as things may change. There are lot of unqualified 'experts' on social media dishing out dubious advice on parenthood.

I doubt the 3 month ban on visitors will really last that long. Reality may intervene!

If this couple agree to this "disappearance act" then so be it. However, in my opinion, they could benefit from therapy as alienation from their families is a toxic manner in which to deal with a newborn and their inlaws and their parents as well.

She may change her mind once baby arrives. My daughter was happy for me to help out as she had an emergency C section and had to take it easy for 10 days.

Basgetti I think that of the draw .
I have friends who have a wonderful relationship with their grandkids and friends who are bound by so many rules and regulations that they find it exhausting.

wellbeck
Caring for my parents - mainly my Father was a 24/7 job and I had to say no .
I've never been forgiven .

I had this a bit with middle son and wife till she and both parents started yelling and screaming at my dear gentle son over being late home by ten minutes getting a blind for their first son’s room nearly driving him into a breakdown . Granny no 2 ( yes that’s me) ended up with phone on night and day loud as daughter in law scared so I was on “call” . I told my son to go dr and get a sick note for stress which he did when he got a GP as no time before and I ended up rushing from a class straight there 200 miles away having had my travel bag in the boot for a week . They needed me for 3 weeks and my daughter in law wouldn’t let her parents anywhere near . It’s been ok since especially as I cleaned their house from top to bottom , minded the new baby and other grandson a bit and bought all of their groceries in the local Waitrose . So I would say nought and you may well find she needs you . New mums go a bit funny I have found in fact sometimes downright peculiar it seems to be what happens sometimes seen it with others . Good luck! More time for you but she will need you soon enough.

I think it's a very good idea for first time parents to exclude visitors for a while but maybe up to a month max. A new mum and dad do need to bond with baby but just as importantly they need to learn how to feed, wind, change nappies, get baby to sleep and develop a routine that suits them without sometimes pushy GP's descending on them giving conflicting advice and disturbing baby when just got to sleep etc. They may then develop the confidence needed to dismiss unwanted advice and know what suits their own baby best.
After a month or so then I think GP's and others would be welcomed so long as not all at once and this would help baby to get used to different faces, voices and smells.