Emotionally dependent adult son

We are seeing this with DGS who is only six. While his sister now 9 has been staying with friends, grandma nearby and grandma faraway (us) since she was barely six. DGS at rising seven will not even contemplate a night away from home and family. Not even with a grandma living 2 miles away or a best friend living even nearer, and when he will stay with us, heaven knows.

In every other way he is outgoing and confident, he loves school, has lots of friends, recently took a leading role in his drama class play.

I think it is just the way some children are and as parents all we can do is encourage them to take small steps towards emotional confidence.

My youngest is a bit like this. He left home young but visits several times a week and phones most days. He makes his own decisions but leans on me for emotional support when he is stressed or upset. My other son has only left home recently at nearly 40. I do wonder if I did something wrong and this can make me feel drained. I understand the thought of cutting your son off though I'm sure you won't do it.

Classic, isn't it. If a child has a problem, their mother immediately assumes it is their 'fault they over-mothered/undermothered etc etc etc.

Our children are a mix of all the genes from both sides of the family and that mix is randomly decided in the womb. Some children come out with all the 'right' genes that make growing up and the transition to adulthood relatively simple, others have all the genes that make life difficult.

Stop wasting your time working out what you did wrong. it is very unlikely to be your fault. Look at your son, the problems he has and how those problems can be resolved in the here and now. Counseling, certainly sounds helpful, but think about what counseling, not all counseling is right, but look for something that is specifically helpful. CBT might be helpful in this stage, teaching him not to think himself into indecision. Other posters have made other good suggestions.

The main thing to remember is IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I presume he is ringing you every day for advice about something. I would agree with him one day in the week when you will discuss his issues. Then when he rings on the the days you have not agreed to discuss. say 'Right I will put that on the agenda for the name of the day agreed.'. You might also suggest if its relevant where he could get more information and help.

By getting him to wait until one day a week you will find that eventually he will solve some of the things himself.

Good luck.

Geraldine, I relate so much to what you say. My DD is nearly 24 (much younger but still..) I get updated with every detail of how she is feeling, and if she is having a stressful time she will mwake me in the middle of the night in floods of tears to talk about it, even though I am still working full time.

I worry a lot about whether she is ever going to be emotionally self-sufficient (she can't afford to move out at present).

Please think carefully before cutting him out of your life ..... This might increase his anxiety which wouldn't be great for either of you.

I'm guessing that your DS works, lives alone (now) and has a job. If the answer to all these is 'yes' then he sounds like he's coping with all the adult stuff. As to what his exGF said, I would take that with a pinch of salt and the wrong partner for him.

I understand that he constantly turns to you for advice etc. Perhaps you're the special one that he trusts. Take it as a huge compliment whilst encouraging him to make his own decisions. Please don't blame yourself .... He clearly adores his Mum. There's loads of mums on Gransnet who would give their eye teeth to have a conversation with their 'boys'

You sound like two lovely people to me. I've read some other suggestions on here and think they're spot on. I would just add softly, softly to any changes. Good luck!

This rings bells with me as it reminds me strongly of my brother (now 53). We're convinced he is on the autistic spectrum/Aspergers. My mother had to make the decision to move into a small retirement flat to force him to be move out and become more independent when he was in his thirties.
He still suffers from extreme anxiety and some social difficulties. He worries about his job constantly, always convinced he isn't good enough (he works for a top company on IT projects and has a first class degree.) He is now married but his wife, although supportive, also has huge anxiety and health issues.
Geraldine I'm not sure whether a diagnosis of ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) would help your son, but background reading about ASD might help you understand him and his difficulties if he is on the spectrum.

Have you considered that there may be a medical problem? Do not immediately dismiss the thought. The autistic spectrum is very wide and clever adults are difficult to diagnose. Whatever, I suggest that any medical possibility be explored and then dismissed as necessary.

Counselling would help. It does make a difference.

I look at my MIL and her youngest son... and I see how she has indirectly aided his incompetency in the real world. Firstly, do you still make lunch, do his washing, ironing for him? If yes, stop. Here is the saying, "And enabler sets one up for failure."

Some really good advice on here, starting with Jalima. When I volunteered at a phone in support agency, the training taught us not to offer advice and not to flat out refuse to give it but to encourage the callers to talk about what they thought they could/should do, what they'd already tried and how they felt about that. When the OP asked should she cut him off, is a good example. If we'd all said yes, and it went wrong she would have blamed us, likewise if we'd said no.

I agree with quizqueen - by asking him what he thinks he might do would perhaps give him the confidence to gradually make decisions himself.

I wouldn't worry too much about girlfriends leaving - he just hasn't met the right one yet.

I certainly wouldn't cut him off, but rather reduce contact times and not 'being there' so easily. Hope that helps xx

When he asks for advice, instead of giving it to him, ask him what he thinks he might do about each situation. Then get him to write down the pros and cons of each of his suggestions and weigh them up and decide for HIMSELF. If you always provide a solution you have made him dependent on you and he will always come to you first and one day you won't be there. He's not a child anymore, don't give any more advice but point him in other directions- the internet, friends, CAB, banks etc.

Cutting him off would be cruel.

Where would be the therapeutic value in that?

If he rings for practical advice can't you say 'Google it' and point him in the direction of self help? I am unclear as to why any therpist should tell him to contact her instead of you, that is just transfering the problem and creating new dependancy.

Give him a list of helpful places to look for advice;

Gov.com has loads of sensible advice
Citizens advice
good old Google
the library

He needs to develop his own information networks like the rest of us do. None of us know everything that's why Granset exists. Does he know how dependant everyone else is on other people for advice? It is perfectly normal.

He previous partners seem frustrated by his anxiety which is sad for him but he has had relationships so just hasn't found the right person yet.

He sounds anxious and the only therapy that works for that, is him taking more control not giving it to the therapist.

It sounds like a form of anxiety and my daughter suffers with the same thing. Her DH is driven mad by the fact she needs to ask me for advice or help. My other children aren't like it and it may be that my parenting is to blame but it is too late to change that now, it is as it is and we need to use our energies to attempt to turn things around. I'd just encourage him to work with the therapist, ask questions rather than giving him the answers and listening skills so that he thinks about the options before coming to a decision. I get my daughter to write down the pros and cons to a situation, giving a score to how she feels about each one before adding them up. At the end she subtracts the score for one side from the other and she has her answer. It has saved me hours!

Hi and can I very respectfully suggest that you 'do something new' as you put it, in your life, before your son changes, rather than wait until he does. If you want him to not be so emotionally dependent I think the best you can do for him is to show him that you love him but that you can be emotionally independent yourself...and that nothing terrible will happen by your both being your own people and extending your life in different areas. This isn't meant as a criticism-god knows-I could write lengthy posts myself about our dysfunctional family dynamics?, but I do think it's a two way thing. And I think with your therapist training, somewhere, at some level, you may register this yourself. It's just that it's difficult isn't it. ❤️

I think you will regret cutting your son off, why do you say he has wasted his life?

geraldine I am sure there are many people who feel guilty regarding their parenting. I feel the same myself, but there is no such thing as a perfect parent and dwelling on such thoughts serves no useful purpose and drains your energy. Having said that, from what you say, it seems that you have done very well. Your son is, you say, "clever, capable, funny and well liked". Your other son appears to be managing OK and you say that your disabled daughter is "wonderfully independent". Quite an achievement I would say.

I don't think it would be wise to cut him off without support, particularly as he is already feeling lonely and distressed. I'm not sure a therapist should be so directive in her comments - the point of counselling is to help people make their own judgments and decisions.

I agree with the suggestion that another poster made that perhaps it would help if sometimes your roles were reversed and you asked your son for his advice/opinion or for practical help.

Best wishes to you and your son - I hope things soon improve.

Please don`t cut him off ! jalima s idea is good , try to turn it round to get him to solve his own problem by discussing it with you . He sounds a bit lost and very lacking in confidence . I have an adult son of the same age who is a bit similar , he has had many problems throughout his life and suffers from depression . I do think we tend to blame ourselves and wonder what we did wrong !

As long as you are answering his queries you are making him believe he cannot make his own decisions, in other words he has no faith in his own opinion and by giving him your opinion you are encouraging his helplessness Can you become a little helpless yourself and find the need to ring him and ask him how to do a b or c and maybe you can say sometimes I won't have my phone on today I ll be in the cinema /out with a friend / resting ... you ll have to pull away a little at a time and gently .

Does he work? Can he make decisions in the workplace?

He's 40...he can't really be expected to go off on a world adventure when he can't manage a few hours without speaking to his mum .. I m sure that would be too huge a leap

If he's just broken up from a relationship you will need to be gentle poor chap the counselling should help but you have to break his dependency, for his happiness and your own peace of mind but don't walk completely away that's far too harsh

Could he go off on some adventure type holiday where he has to be more self sufficient? My son took 6 months out to go round the world. My husband always says he left a boy and came back a man!

Good post Jalima.
I agree - listen to what your son says, then ask him what options he thinks he has.
Then ask what of all those options he thinks would be best for him.
Then how he could get to that position - what small steps he could take.
This is the essence of mentoring - don't tell him what to do, but guide him to the solution that he is comfortable with and which he has thought of himself.
Hopefully in time he will become more self-reliant.
This is a good book which you may be familiar with
www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Skilled-Helper-Problem-Management-Opportunity-Development-Approach/0534367313?tag=gransnetforum-21

Perhaps when he asks for advice you could turn it back to him and ask him 'what do you think you should do/what do you think would be the best course of action'? and make him think for himself instead of giving him answers and telling him what you think he ought to do. You could talk it through with him, not just leave him with his thoughts but encourage any positive thinking on his part.

Thanks again, yes - the therapist has been excellent telling him to text her when feeling desperate, with worries or just random thoughts. I suppose she is intending to wean him off this type of contact with me by being there if needed, whilst trying to get him to become self sufficient. I should have gone back to work but it's always had to be self employment as and when, because of my daughter's needs. Now that she is happy in supported living, my age would be prohibitive in any new career. I'll have a good think! Thanks all of you

Is the therapist giving him other strategies to use instead of ringing you for advice etc? It's all very well to say don't do something but he needs to be given tools to help him disconnect.

Have you thought of therapy or a counsellor for yourself, to help unpick what is going on? No one sounds very happy with the current situation so I hope you can find your way through.