Am I being selfish or is my husband being selfish?

He is selfish! end of story. How you managed to reach 40 years with him is beyond me!

wow W11girl, that is very harsh , are you a dog owner?

W11girl
Do you know OP personally?
Do you know her DH?

How on earth can you pronounce so authoratively on perfect strangers on the basis of one anecdotal post?

This is one of the aspects of forums such as MN and now apparently GN which depresses me.
Everyone's an expert.

I think that one or two Mumsnetters may have started contributing their particular form of 'wisdom' to Gransnet in the last year or so Mawbroon.

Why have a party at home? Book a hotel where they will do all the catering - and all the washing up. Once the venue is booked and the food chosen, all you need to do is turn up on the day. It will not cost any more than a cruise.

Ahh, the problem with pets, I know it well. We have a dog and a cat, they are family pets and although my husband loves them, I am the main person, the one who has to find the pet sitters when we go away. I would never even consider going on a cruise. On most of our holidays, we take the dog along. Though now I have a lovely lady, who will take the dog (for a fee) and let him sleep in her bed and all the rest. The cat is more of a problem, I don´t want to give the keys to my house to just anybody and moving a cat is very difficult. For my recent 60th I booked a restaurant for all the family and friends, it wasn´t all that expensive and we were home in time to walk the dog.

dollyjo Do you think it is high time you told your DH that you are fed coming second, that you are fed up with your holidays together being a busmans holiday for you and that just once you would like to be treated better than the dogs? Surely he loves and respects you enough to have one holiday abroad with you? Yes i know a dog is for life but so is a wife. Don't compromise this time, if he wont go book a great holiday for yourself and let him walk his dogs on his own and cook and clean for himself while he is at it.

Maybe something other than a cruise? It would be my DH's idea of purgatory to be honest, and your DH sounds like a pretty active person - maybe he would feel confined. I don't think he's going to change his attitude, and if you pressure him into doing something he really doesn't want to do then chances are you're both going to have a pretty miserable time. Either you're going to have to find something you both will enjoy (with or without dogs) or you'll have to go on your cruise by yourself. By the way, we have 2 dogs as well, and I know where you're coming from, but thankfully DH accepts that they are quite happy in kennels.

Alima - We have had 2 dogs all of our married life - not the same 2, of course. At the moment, we have a Bearded Collie who will be 8 this year and a 'rescued' pug who will be 7. They are both fit and healthy.
jacq10 - your pet caring service sounds perfect. I will have to tell my husband about it and hope for the best.

We have had people stay at our house to pet sit, friends get a free holiday and the pets are happy. You need to be a bit more proactive and say that you feel the dogs are above you in the pack and the best birthday present would be to be put at the top of the pack for a change, he needs to realise that sometimes he needs to compromise

Dollyjo
In the last 15 years of our 50 year marriage, and our children had gone their separate ways, myself and husband did our own thing where holidays were concerned. Causing a few tut tuts' and raised eyebrows!!!!!.
He would go on a touring sightseeing holiday which was not my thing,I would go on a lazy tropical laying by a pool or on the beach being served with drinks chatting away to others holiday.
Not to everyones' taste but it suited us.
How important is it for you that everything has to be as a couple.?

This thread makes me so glad I don't have an OH.
Firstly if he doesn't want to do a cruise, holiday or leave the dogs why the hell should he? He doesn't mind you holidaying with friends but that doesn't make you happy.
If you want to go on a cruise why not just go by yourself?
Surely you are both entitled to do the things you enjoy at your age. Is there absolutely nothing you do that you will both enjoy? If not it is tough but surely better to do the things that make you happy and enjoy your time apart and at home together rather than drag each other about or spend time together with one of you feeling very disgruntled.
As far as a celebration goes couldn't one of your family organise a party for you?

Dollyjo
We had friends who would look after our pets in their home if we had booked our ''singles' holiday at the same time So where possible one of us was at home while the other was on holiday. Smiles all round.
Must add that the benefits of our separate holidays gave us much to talk about and view each others holiday photos'.A bonus being both of us made new friends. Still in contact with a few of them.

jalima - good point.
Might explain why I am finding GN more and more adversarial and "spiky" instead of a stimulating, often enlightening but always reasonable chat with friends.
There are exceptions of course, but there's a lot of "stuff" dished out too!

Book a cruise - go alone. You'll love it. Celebrate your 40 years by indulging yourself. Return home happy, pampered and rested, prepared to get on with your life. Result - happy husband (& dogs) happy wife (dutifully pampered). Who says you need to be conventional? if your marriage is solid then do it your way - it's worked so far!

Whilst I think that your husband is not being very flexible about arrangements for the dogs, I too think that to specify a cruise is also a little inflexible. Not everybody likes cruises. Perhaps if you explain that, in the normal course of events, you have settled for going away with friends but, because this is a special wedding anniversary, you would very much like to holiday with him, your husband might be willing to compromise. But he should have some say in the type of holiday.

You could still have a small family/close friends party at home and enlist some help in preparing food, etc.

GN was always reasonable
There seem to be more unreasonable replies to posts - knee-jerk reactions given without thought.
The thing is, many of these posts use a whole new rather aggressive language which is presumably the language of social media these days.
GN didn't seem like that.

However, on the whole I think most answers seem to be thoughtful, considered and helpful - let's hope the 'spikiness' does not prevail!

Have the party either in the village hall with caterers or in a hotel depending how many guests you are inviting and at what price. As others have said get on and run your own life and holidays whilst accepting your DH's limitations. do not allow him however to extend them. As you are now the car driver make sure you only drive the distances you feel comfortable with. Book Hotels etc. I do think you should not be woken by your dogs at night. Is there no electronic thing that would let them out to a suitable space and back in? At least the dogs are not in bed with you. If that were to happen in the future then perhaps DH needs to sleep in a room to himself.

However all the best for your celebration in January. Do book a nice cruise for yourself to follow.

I would have liked another dog but we have been very firm with ourselves as we like to go away and couldn't afford the kennel fees on top of holidays. I think dogs do need to get used to their 'holidays' in kennels from an early age if that is what you intend to do. We have to make do with 'grand-dogs' and 'grand-cats' nowadays!
If you can't leave them with someone could you book a nice weekend away for the family at a country hotel somewhere which takes dogs as well for your celebration?
Then go on a cruise yourself
I don't think I would risk booking a cruise as a surprise.

Oh dear....dollyjo.......not an easy situation. I would, most definitely, not do the catering. For my 60th birthday hubby wisely got Marks and Spencer to do the food.....it just has to be picked up. Or......find a venue and get them to cater......or get a caterer to come to your home and they can stay to serve the food and replenish the drinks. Friends of mine have just returned from a holiday in the Lake District....with their dog. As to a cruise.....there are any number of cruises which would also cater for your preference of hobby etc. Whilst it is regrettable that your hubby doesn't fallow exactly your path there must be a compromise. Good luck with all of it. Neither of you is being selfish per se.....you have your specific point of view.

It is hard for me to appreciate the close bond between dog/human. I like dogs and we had a dog when I was a child. I can understand the value a dog brings: companionship, routine, loyalty etc. but it for me a dog should never usurp the place of a human and especially not a spouse!

The dogs need to take second place in the celebration of your anniversary. You and your DH booth appear to want to mark the occasion. A compromise between a cruise where you can relax but he cannot and a party when you are doing the running around and he plays mein host needs to be agreed! A weekend a way with family where you go for a fabulous lunchtime meal and then he can walk the dogs in the afternoon!

Whilst I am sure he dotes on his dogs as many of us do, is he just using them as an excuse or "reason" for just not wanting to go abroad?

Could it be the dogs are an excuse for needing to stay in the UK? Maybe he's afraid of travel to unfamiliar places where they don't speak English and have other cultures?
.

Posts that interest me very much from Jalima and MawBroon. I felt particularly naive on one post when someone came back at me with 'we're not necessarily grandparents here'. Of course, that is perfectly clear but, for the life of me, I can't understand why 'nons' would want to since the grandparenting element is our main and common thread and therefore the key to all our relevant experiences and dilemmas. Any theories? Can't for the life of me fathom it.

Neither of you are being selfish. You simply have differing ideas. I can't imagine why you're bothered about a card day and the surrounding week, but you are, so carry on.