Gransnet forums

Gransnet cafe

Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.

New Gran minder

(27 Posts)
Dukeybabe62 Wed 10-May-17 22:50:55

Look after grandson who is 7 months old for one night and day. On enquiring the next day how he has been since we dropped him off, we always get a negative comment from DIL, feel as though it is because we have not looked after him properly. Am I being paranoid. Am new to this as this is first grandchild.

mumofmadboys Wed 10-May-17 23:18:46

Perhaps don't ask how the baby is. Try asking whether DIL has had a good day instead. How things improve.x

farview Thu 11-May-17 06:25:38

Yes agree with mumofmadboys..dont ask..you know you have looked after him well...she is very lucky to have you to mind him 😊

Anya Thu 11-May-17 06:41:38

Absolutely agree that you don't ask. Just feed back a few positives from your time together instead and as mumofmadboys suggested ask after DiL and your son.

Some people are like that - they never see the doughnut just the hole.

JackyB Thu 11-May-17 07:04:00

Crikey - giving away your child overnight at 7 months! Not that you didn't do a good job; I'm sure you did.

I agree with everyone else, though, just cherish the time you had together. It is an honour to be asked, and she obviously trusted you to do it, so don't worry.

People here on Gransnet range from those who can't see their GC at all, over those whose grandchildren are very far away, to those who are put upon by their children expecting them to look after them all the time, with all the obligations and none of the rights.

As mine both live a very long way away, I envy you being able to have him like that.

Try and keep the balance between "not being put upon" and "having quality time with the DGS" and try not to get too cross with the DiL. She may be frustrated or guilty with herself that she has to give the boy away, or she may have "baby blues" or some other worries. The problem seems to be with her.

Anya Thu 11-May-17 07:23:06

You've forgotten another category in you 'range' JackyB ....those who actually enjoy looking after their grandchildren, and are appreciated for the help they give.

hmm

grannypiper Thu 11-May-17 07:41:40

Dukey Maybe Mum feels guilty about leaving the baby.

cornergran Thu 11-May-17 07:44:11

Indeed anya, although right now I'm not enjoying the cold germs kindly shared wink. I agree with others dukeyb. A general question about the day could be a better way to go. You know if your daughter in law was really being critical I am sure she would be focusing on some specifics or even making other arrangements. Don't worry, just enjoy being a grandmother able to help out.

Christinefrance Thu 11-May-17 07:50:36

I agree with grannypiper, Mum is trying to justify herself though there is no need to, its a guilt issue with her and nothing to do with your care. Think its imprinted on mothers to feel guilt whatever they do.
As others have said don't ask the question just keep it general. Enjoy your grandson.

Dukeybabe62 Fri 12-May-17 10:28:11

Thanks for all the good advice. Feel better. Will relax and enjoy my DGS

Bebe47 Fri 12-May-17 12:42:56

Why would you ask ? asking for trouble more like. shhh- don't upset the Apple cart!!

Coolgran65 Fri 12-May-17 13:58:38

Dukey don't ask. They wouldn't leave him with you if they didn't trust you.
Also, asking just might come across as being needy and seeking approval. Not saying that it is so in your case but I've known others to do so. Don't give DIL the opportunity to give a negative comment.

DH and I have our 4 week old dgs today, he was 3 weeks prem and is coping with reflux.
We're giving mum and dad a chance to go and have a walk, haircuts, and lunch. At dgc number 6 we don't get too fussed.

Promise us - Dukey - no asking DIL.
You will have done a great job
flowers

Humbertbear Sat 13-May-17 09:16:47

We always get told off after we have looked after the grand children who are now 11,8,5. We have a lovely day out with one of them and then we get a phone querying what we did. It's been the same since they were babies. I was once threatened with not being allowed to look after the oldest one when she was about 8 months old because I gave her a taste of yoghurt.

We don't like it but we have learn to live with it. I just used to be grateful my parents looked after them!

Blondie49 Sat 13-May-17 09:29:07

Can't believe that Humbertbear, I love my grand kids to bits but unless I had done something really stupid or horrible would certainly be very annoyed to be told off. Within reason my mantra is granny's looking after you, granny rules . Dukeybabe don't ask just enjoy :-)

Nelliemaggs Sat 13-May-17 09:35:44

I looked after my DGC from 8 months, collecting him at 7am and returning him at 5pm 3 days a week. I found I was responsible for every bad night they had and every funny tummy or crotchety evening, it was hard but I loved him to bits and gritted my teeth. The blaming stopped by the time he was two and his mum is a lovely wife, mother and daughter-in- law. So I put it all down to the difficulty she had as a first time mother needing to go back to a stressful job and leaving behind her precious first born. So hang in there Dukeybabe. She probably has a lot of adjusting to do too.

radicalnan Sat 13-May-17 09:41:31

If they choose to leave him with you then you are doing a good job and they should be bloody grateful.

EmilyHarburn Sat 13-May-17 09:54:39

Agree. Do not inquire. As others have said they should be very grateful to you and hopefully you are having a lovely affectionate time with your grandson. all the best.

ajanela Sat 13-May-17 10:17:27

Nelliemaggs, yes sounds like postnatal depression which often lasts until child I'd 2 plus guilt and not wanting to leave her baby. Nelliemaggs wonder who they blamed the days you didn't have him.

My grandson is 11 and I now have a pact, you don't tell her what I did wrong and I won't tell her what you did! It is like living in a police state.

Hm999 Sat 13-May-17 10:21:15

Small children react differently in different situations, and in different combinations of different situations. Both of my granddaughter's grannies want to be a part of her life, and looking after her and overnights are a part of that. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's not.

maddyone Sat 13-May-17 10:36:21

I know exactly what you mean, my very difficult daughter still blames us for anything that goes wrong or difficult behaviours from her two for the following 24 hours after we've had them, and they are 3 years old now! We've looked after them since they were a year old and their mum went back to work. We do a lot less now they're at nursery school, and in fact I miss them, as I don't see so much of them unless we ask to see them. DH sees them at least twice a week as he goes up early to walk their dog and usually sees the children then. I don't particularly want to get up at 6.30 to go and walk the dog so I don't see them.
I think Dukey that as others have said, she knows that you are the best possible person to look after her baby, and she probably feels guilty about leaving him, and probably jealous that you have him when she really wants to be with him.
I have found that it's best to try and let the criticism go in at one ear and out at the other, whilst trying to follow her rules and routines at the same time. It's complicated I know, but I've been there and I know how painful it can be when as a loving and caring grandparent, you are criticised for doing your best.

Caro1954 Sat 13-May-17 11:32:48

I agree with others that she probably feels guilty. Don't ask and try to ride out this particular storm. It's upsetting for you but you're doing nothing wrong so try not to worry, she wouldn't leave him with you if she had real concerns.

luluaugust Sat 13-May-17 12:05:05

Such early days but try not phoning the next day and then as others have suggested ask mum how she is, who knows you might get some interesting answers. She probably lies awake when he is not there and at 7 months 36 hours apart is a long time. Good luck I am sure you are doing fine, soon he will be moving around and the fun will start.

DotMH1901 Sat 13-May-17 13:27:43

You have to grow a thick skin as a grandparent. I could never do anything right according to my ex son in law whilst his Mum was an angel smile I had my grandson from four weeks old overnight, a bit later with my granddaughters as they arrived. I looked after them one night a week when my daughter's maternity leave ended each time and she went back to (shift) work. I too got only a negative response if I asked if everything was okay after having them so I stopped asking. My grandchildren have grown up happy and healthy children and almost teenagers now. Just enjoy your time with themx

Tessa101 Sat 13-May-17 13:46:25

I agree with all the posters who say " don't ask". She may feel you want her to be enternally grateful and are seeking praise for having him and that might not go down well if she struggles with guilt of leaving him.

hulahoop Sat 13-May-17 18:41:04

I agree I only ask if their as been a problem eg they were feeling unwell at mine . I am glad that mine trust me to look after them we are the lucky ones . I really feel for people who never get to see GC , don't overthink things just enjoy 😄