Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

My message to you is to think long and hard about what you really want to happen now. What would be the best possible outcome for you?
Then, when you know what you want, set about making that happen. Get help and advice and try to think and act positively. Best of luck. Go for it.

You ask what I would do? Leave. Your Dad is not stupid and he may well be right. Jekyll and Hyde was two entirely different personalities in one person. Whatever, this guy has 'crossed a line'. Sarcasm and insults? Go to hell, and find the quickest route there - to him, that is, not you. We're not put on this earth to be insulted and have sarcastic remarks thrown at us for no reason. As my DH is fond of saying, there are 2 little words: Trust and Respect. Neither appears to be present in this man's attitude to you. Coercive control is now illegal and it would certainly qualify as a reason for divorce. Do not go back! Stay with your Dad. Sort out your financial affairs ASAP - make sure you have money of your own, own accounts etc. Good luck!

You have been very brave to leave home (just taking care of your lovely dad, of course). At least your name is on your parents house. Hope you can have a better life very soon.

Lizzy some great advice already given - I have nothing constructive to add so am just sending you my very best wishes

What you describe is chronic emotional/verbal abuse! You are also under no obligation to respond to manipulative threats and ultimatums (can constitute irreconcilable differences). All of these are justifiable grounds for divorce. You may depend on your H financially, but only as long as you are married to him.

A good solicitor should get you a divorce settlement in which at least half of all the assets that are owned in the marriage (and to which you are entitled) are handed over to you.

While you prepare your case, let him think you are reconsidering his brand of extortion, just to keep him from doing something rash in the meantime. Your husband is not acting in your best interest so it is up to you to do so. Remember too that above all, you deserve to be happy.

Why is everyone talking about domestic violence

cheerfullizzy - I work for a domestic abuse charity and reading your messages is all too familiar I'm afraid. You have been strong enough to walk away and tell your family, please think very carefully about your next steps. You are not to blame for any of this behaviour from your husband, he has no right to behave/speak to you or anyone else like that. Please get some support from a domestic violence agency/charity - they can advise you about finances, benefits, dealing with your guilt, and support you through the whole process while you are in turmoil. If you would like to message me privately please do so I would be happy to help if I can x

Just thought I would say how much I agree with what’s been said. He is making very unhappy and you don’t deserve it.
My d left her partner after 17years because he was very controlling, if she went out with friends and came home late he wouldn’t speak to her for days. Didn’t like her working away from home she has to travel in her job.
Enough was enough. Try to get some advice but please don’t go back till and if things are settled.

What incredible support here, thanks to every single one of you.... before dear mum passed away.. she insisted that her & dads house also be put in my name... its a tiny home... but dad has kindly said theres always a place for me here... no.. I have no siblings..& most of my relatives have passed away... thank god Ive still got dad... what would I have done without him... your encouraging posts have meant so much... will kerp you updated when Ive got my thoughts and intentions together... promise.. luv Lizzy x

My mother used to say, “Well he provides for you and doesn’t beat you” but I was made to feel worthless and a failed wife and mother for 40 years. He said I couldn’t leave as there wasn’t money for us to live separately. Then he met someone else and was gone. That was seven years ago and I have been so happy. There isn’t much money indeed but no-one is looking to see what I am spending it on. I no longer dread coming home, the twitch of the curtain as he watched me arrive.

My only regret is that it didn’t happen 25 years before, at the time that I gave up trying to be what he wanted, or, better still, the morning after the wedding when he no longer felt any need to be Mr. Nice Guy.

Take courage and remember that when the dust settles, however hard it is, your life will be your own.

He could so easily be my ex!! Exactly the same and the putting you down all the time really gets to you. It’s domestic abuse and you really need to get advice from a solicitor fast to stop him selling the house. Then stand up to his bullying and blackmail. Don’t confront him, stay at your dads for safety. Your children say he cares but he is now showing his true colours. You have a life to live and shouldn’t have to put up with anyone acting this way. Be brave.

Peardrop I think the priority is to find out more about her legal situation. I don't think the OP has made any decision yet about her marriage and Relate can support her which ever course of action she chooses.

I’m amazed that the vast majority have jumped straight in with advice about how to leave, how to get your share, how to get your offspring on your side, etc. Until radicalnan posted there has been no suggestion of reconciliation. One voice of reason among so many. I agree if things are so awful you need to get tough and look after yourself BUT surely after 37 years a visit to Relate is worth a shot. This sort of controlling behaviour can stem from feelings of insecurity, jealousy or plain old habit because it’s been enabled, not by wife but by having employees who don’t answer back etc.
Relate or such like enables both parties to talk without a row and more importantly to listen to how the behaviour of the other makes them feel.
So far he sounds like an insensitive control freak but maybe underneath he can rediscover the kind, hardworking, ambitious, loving husband and father you once loved.
Do you think it’s worth a shot?

I’m afraid I would not be able to return to this man. How long can u stay at your dad’s? The main thing is to take the advice of other posters here and seek advice quietly and calmly, giving yourself time to think what is best for YOU.

I hope you get some useful information from CA to-day and you come away with positive thoughts as to which way to go,so glad your son and D.I.L are understanding as is your lovely dad.
Keep us updated as to how you got on to-day and stay positive.

I haven't read every comment here but if it hasn't been mentioned - he cannot just sell the house without you being involved. You need to lodge a matrimonial charge on the property and you should do that as soon as you feel able. It is a simple procedure which CAB or Womens Aid should help you with.
I agree with people who say that he does not have the upper hand. You could move to be near your children too if you wanted to.
You will probably feel that a weight has been lifted off your shoulders once you take the first steps.

You need to see a Solicitor asap to determine your rights.

Bullies thrive by isolating, so only their 'truth' is real. Please get in touch with all the organisations suggested, you will feel less alone, share what has had and is happening. What for you is unique for them it is a familiar story. He knows unconsciously that he is driving you away or into total submission, hence the wardrobe checking. Good thoughts to you
Xxx

You have stayed 'because you love your family' I understand that, done so myself. Your husband is sarcastic and insulting sometimes and slow to appreciate that he has done wrong in your eyes. I get that too.

Did you think that he would be perfect?

I expect there are things that you do that get on his nerves.

Have the pair of you considered Relate or similar?

You don't say that he is a brute or a womaniser, gambler, alcoholic, isn't it worth considering saving things?

You may not be 'over the hill' but finding a new life isn't always easy and if you read this GN page regularly you will see howmany people leave a relationship only to re marry and be miserable.

If you are in the Uk you have plenty of rights. You also have your dad so don't seem to be facing any immediate homelessness threat, you sound able to find a job.

If your husband is going through your wardrobe what is he searching for?

We only have one side of every story but long marriages are worth the saving..........

It isn't just about you being over the hill, I have seen friends grubbing around for new relationships among other women's cast offs, it isn't that easy to replace a long term relationship.

Have you thought about your new life, will you re train for something you love to do? Have you started looking for a job?

I would try Relate or similar first and think about what you are going to put into place for the future, rather than just dispensing of something which seems to have worked reasonably well for along time.

Half of all this is about you, what you want and how you are going to make it happen, you haven't mentioned any of that.

Even grown up children regret their parents breaking up.

cheerfullizzy I have walked in your shoes. He won't change because he doesn't,t see it as his problem. Even after the divorce, I went back to my ex twice!!! the second time I said to him 'I was worried about living together because of the arguments and he said 'Well you will have to try harder not too' I was dumbfounded. Next step was I bought my apartment and have peace of mind 'priceless'
ps that was five years ago

I am so sorry, he sounds very unpredictable and nasty, I think the idea of getting a few texts running about how you haven't left just caring for Dad is a really good idea, a paper trail is a must. I think you can get a free half hour with some Solicitors so also good idea plus CAB etc. I am certain he can't just sell the house, so many questions are asked now.

Even if you do decide to return to the marriage I think it would be wise to seek some legal advice, that way if he starts to bully/threaten you again you will know your rights and will be less intimidated. Knowing what you are entitled to after a split is empowering even if it is just information you keep in the back of your mind! Good luck

Keep the texts and any other evidence you have but make sure you have copies kept somewhere safe in case your husband decides to get hold of your phone to delete them. 2 years ago I bought a small voice recorder in one of the stores for around £20 which has proved invaluable. It is small, like a mobile phone, but you could take this with you when you visit the CAB or WA as it can prove really useful in case you forget what they say to you. I was so nervous when I went years ago that I wished voice recorders had been available then. Should your husband continue to verbally abuse you, it might be an idea to record what he says so that there is no chance he can deny his treatment of you. You will have the proof. Take your courage in both hands, you have a right to a good life. You have taken the first step, now it is time to show him you are stronger than he thinks and he is no longer going to dominate you in any way, and you will receive what you are entitled to in the way of financial settlement no matter what he says. I wish you well.

I doubt very much if your husband can sell the family home without reference to you -- certainly not if it's in joint names, and, as PP have said, even if it's not you can still register an interest in it.
If you do see it up for sale a quick phone call to the Estate Agents might be in order . (as well as consulting a solicitor, of course)

AS someone who has worked in a group looking after abused and controlled women I can only say BE CAREFUL.
If you go home then make your plans, keep them to yourself
and behave as if you are staying with him.
If your Dad is right and he is a Jekyll and Hyde character then it could be unsafe to give the impression that you intend to leave him.

It is the most dangerous point in doomed relationship when the controlling partner realises that his 'prey' is about to get away.