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Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

(90 Posts)
cheerfullizzy Sun 14-Jan-18 20:44:30

Hello ladies.. im 56, martied for 37 years.. ran a business with my husband.. retired early.. fabulous son, daughter in law & granddaughter.. also a wonderful daughter, Ive just this werk walked away from my family home & gone to stay at dear dads.. (87), my husband had often been on the controlling side... sarcastic,..& a bit insulting.. but i just got on with it as love my family deeply & look after gdaughter each tuesday.. at new year after a family meal I'd lovingly cooked my husband insulted it after being nice in front of everyone, ran me down, & was hateful to say the least.. it was not the first time this type of thing has happened, im certain he goes through my wardrobe when im out looking after dad 3 days a week, i needed time away & walked out with only a couple of things, today after a week we met in a coffee shop & spoke, i told him how nasty he was & how awful i felt, he denied he did anything wrong, i said i didnt feel ready to come home just yet, he has quite a temper, he has text me this evening that if i dont go home he will put the house up for sale, move neary son & daughter, paint a pretty bad image of me etc... i just dont know what to do, go home to insults & manipulative behaviour.. or consider separation?? Im financially dependant on him.. he holds the power... so to speak..& I feel desparately unhappy... advice would be so welcome..... rock bottom right now

MissAdventure Sun 14-Jan-18 20:50:05

I'm sorry you're feeling so wretched. I have to say, your husband isn't exactly pulling out all the stops to woo you back home, is he? Can you imagine a life away from him?

ginny Sun 14-Jan-18 21:01:34

Sorry you are having to cope with this. I really don’t know how you should deal with it but please make sure you keep that text on your ‘phone and any others he may send.

ginny Sun 14-Jan-18 21:08:44

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how you should deal with it but ease keep the text he sent and any others. You may need them as ‘ evidence’ ( legal or within the family) in the future.

GrandmaMoira Sun 14-Jan-18 21:25:45

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. Surely your family know what he is like and wouldn't believe him saying bad things about you. It sounds as if he has always been difficult. Is there something specific worse than usual that's the final straw to make you leave? It would be a good idea to get legal advice on your financial situation so you can then make a decision as to whether to give the marriage another go.

SueDonim Sun 14-Jan-18 21:28:24

Have you approached anyone like Women's Aid for help? A friend has just managed to extricate herself from a horrendous marriage with their help. They have information about financial rights and they are also up to speed on coercive behaviour, which it sounds as though your husband has been perpetrating. It is now a crime.

I hope you can find a way through - my friend thought she had no hope at all but in fact the tables have been turned and she has been empowered to escape from her situation.

tidyskatemum Sun 14-Jan-18 21:29:34

He's not being exactly conciliatory, is he? Has he always been like this or is this more recent behaviour? If it's the latter it could be down to first stages of dementia - or maybe he's just forgotten how to respect you. Stay calm - he's making empty threats, though I would tell the DC what's going on before he tries to paint you as the wrong 'un. You maybe need someone to act as go-between to make your case without riling him if his temper is an issue.

GabriellaG Mon 15-Jan-18 03:15:11

Oh dear! This is awful. It wouldn't be right to tell you which path to take as that choice MUST be yours, however, I CAN tell you what I might do in those circumstances.
I'd go home and, during the next couple of weeks, I'd keep a diary of every instance when I was put down. Keep it hidden in the lining of an old handbag...make a tear in one of the pockets.
If I could record anything on on my phone without him knowing, then all the better. After that two weeks I'd go alone to see son and DIL and tell them what his father has said he will do to blacken name and tell lies.
If I was absolutely sure that I couldn't bear to live the rest of my life with the man, then I would ask son to help me move to father's home (if there is room)
It may be possible to apply for carers allowance whilst looking after dad and get a job of some sort.
I would not be destitute. I would look for accommodation in the private rental sector. If my son and daughter had any sense they would not believe outright smears on my name. Why would someone want to leave a happy, harmonious relationship, if not for serious reasons?
Think about the next 30+ years. It might be an idea (when you next cook dinner for the whole family) if you asked him outright if he enjoyed the meal as last time he rubbished it AND you, after everyone had gone home. Put him on the spot.
Think long and hard. Whatever you decide...look after number 1.

FarNorth Mon 15-Jan-18 05:05:23

I believe you would be entitled to some money from the sale of the house, even if it is in your H's name.

You could get some advice from Women's Aid or CAB.

kittylester Mon 15-Jan-18 06:18:35

Well done for leaving! Please see a solicitor and Women's Aid. As someone said upthread WA are experts in helping women in abusive relationships and most solicitors give an initial consultation free.

I'm sure you will find that you are entitled to a fair share of any assets - probably 50%.

Your children will be aware of their father's behaviour.

OldMeg Mon 15-Jan-18 08:00:51

Don’t delete that text. Keep it to show whoever when and if the need arises.

And stand up to him. For a start tell him he’s an idiot to put what he did in a text and he’d better start acting in a less aggressive manner. Be assertive. You are allowimg that text to frighten you so turn it on its head and use it against him.

This isn’t meaning you are turning blackmailer, only that you are taking control of the situation and fighting back.

OldMeg Mon 15-Jan-18 08:01:41

Then go and see a solicitor.

NfkDumpling Mon 15-Jan-18 08:39:27

You’ve done the right thing. Talk to your children and keep them in the picture - and, if possible on side. He’s probably spun them some yarn about you moving out to look after your dad, they need to know the full picture. And see a solicitor. CAB or Relate. Good Luck!

eazybee Mon 15-Jan-18 08:41:05

Are your son and daughter aware of the situation? Could you confide in them?
Consult a solicitor and find out your options, which are probably better than you think. You have shared in running a family business, and can register an interest in the house if it is not in joint names to prevent him selling it.
Take your time to think about what you want before you return, but make sure you visit your house regularly in case he changes the locks or removes your possessions.
I would hope that your son would be horrified by his father's behaviour and would take him to task over it. I think you have reached breaking point, and your husband's behaviour needs to change.

J52 Mon 15-Jan-18 09:10:02

Didn’t want to read and run.
How awful for you to have put up with this. As others have said, you’ve made a start by leaving, for many other women this is the most difficult part.
Do keep the texts and be open with your family why you have left.
Whether it is best to go back is your decision, of course. I’d get some legal advice re assets. It might also be useful to have evidence of bank accounts etc. Good advice to keep a diary of events.

harrigran Mon 15-Jan-18 09:37:32

Do not confront your husband about the text, do not remind him you have written evidence, he may try to get your phone to delete the message. Take expert advice so that you are provided for financially.

Bellanonna Mon 15-Jan-18 10:26:24

You could forward the text to your children just in case it gets deleted on your phone and also to let them see how he is behaving. You will hopefully feel better once you open up to your children about how things are.

OldMeg Mon 15-Jan-18 14:48:12

harrigran there are many, many ways to save this text so it cannot be ‘vanished’ and yes, as Bellanonna says one way is to forward it to someone for safe keeping. Another way is to screenshot it and save it to a cloud, or even print it out.

I think the OP should stand her ground and not let this man intimidate her. But I agree about taking advice too.

GillT57 Mon 15-Jan-18 15:00:29

You must take legal advice, even if by some miracle your husband changes and you decide to try again. You will likely be entitled to half the business residue and half the house and need to make sure you have ample pension provision. Concentrate on this, on getting your ducks in a row, and let him stew and threaten all he likes, it is all bluster and panic. As others have said, don't mention the text to him but do keep it. Not only is he a bully, he is a stupid one. Good luck and get thee to a solicitor!

debohunXL5 Mon 15-Jan-18 15:14:42

Please take courage and leave him. Like others have said there is help out there. You need to start living he is destroying your confidence and self esteem. Good luck.

loopyloo Mon 15-Jan-18 15:41:11

Cheerfullizzy, has he ever hit you or threatened you with violence? I do think you should definitely seek advice from Women's aid. Also look up threatening behaviour as the law has changed recently and includes emotional damage.
Be careful going back and if you do start collecting evidence.
You may not think you are powerful but you do have rights under the law.

Eloethan Mon 15-Jan-18 18:29:46

It sounds as if you've had enough, and I'm not surprised. If this is a longstanding dissatisfaction and you're finally at the end of your tether (rather than January blues), I think you should get some legal advice. If you've been married for 37 years and have helped to run the business, you should be entitled to a reasonable share of house, money, etc. Good luck.

cornishclio Mon 15-Jan-18 21:23:48

That is appalling and you need legal advice as to how you stand financially should you decide to split. Have your daughter and son ever seen how he behaves with you in the past? When you say you are financially dependent on him do you have any assets or pensions in your own name?

cheerfullizzy Mon 15-Jan-18 21:54:32

Thank you so much for all your advice.... today I went on the train to look after my little granddaughter..& I spoke with my son & daughter at lunchtime... I felt awful for telling them... but so relieved that I did... I think ashamed is the word i'm feeling/ looking for to have to tell them that their dad has behaved this way... theyve read the text for themselves..& now realise what things have been like.... theyve advised me to take things carefully & at some point talk it over with him how rediculous & immature he is being,... they feel that he does have feelings for me but theres underlying insecurity....& have said its wrong mum,... to have to put up with this and are angry at his nasty sarcasm & insults,Of course, I know only I can make the decision what to do next... but god, im finding it impossible to think clearly... so many years building a life together....& now I just feel empty & confused. Ive come back this evening to dads, he is such a kind & lovely soul.. at 87 he is very much on the ball,.... and has also given me some advice... partly that he feels my husband has a jeckyl & hyde tendancy... im so grateful to be able to stay here, and also to you all for listening...I don't know the way forward,... but I know I have decisions to make....

MissAdventure Mon 15-Jan-18 21:58:35

Its a big step forward in that you're no longer enabling your husband by keeping quiet, lizzy. It may now be a turning point (ever the optimist!) Good luck: you must feel at least some of the weight is lifted now?