Gransnet forums

Gransnet cafe

Welcome to the *Gransnet Café. This is a non-judgemental space for you to pop in for a cuppa with some virtual friends, seek out advice for a particular problem, or share an update on your life - important or trivial. Feel free to have your say and chat about your day, but please leave any arguments at the door. If you're struggling to find someone to talk to in real life, or are simply looking for a bit of a chat, this is the place for you.


(4 Posts)
sweetonion Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:21


I would like some input....Without going into details, I've been struggling with deep anxiety lately. It's something I've dealt with since early childhood, but haven't had for decades. Yet, life circumstances thrust it upon me once again. This time, I'm searching for the 'why'. Why now? What's different this time? I've felt so immature with it. Yet....

I think I found my answer and I wanted to get your wise opinions...see if any of you can relate or have further insight...

Throughout my life the loved ones in my life, parents, spouse, now children have/are trying to quiet my emotions. Telling me either literally or through unspoken words/actions that what I 'feel' is stupid, of no value, or at the worst wrong...that I shouldn't feel what I do.

What I've come to realize is that abusers do this to their victims. If you can convince someone that what they're feeling is wrong or that they have no right to feel that way then the abuser is free to do whatever they please to their victim. Our emotions are quite literally inconvenient for them.

This has affected me by basically "shutting me down" (or shutting me up!) emotionally. I've been taught to deny what I feel or not speak them for fear of retribution.

I think this is what's behind the anxiety. Think about it, if one is trapped in a situation, it is anxiety producing. Right?

The last couple decades were great because it was in that time that I learned it was ok to 'feel'. And how to deal with and accept my feelings. But over the last few months, like I said, life has thrown circumstances at me where loved ones are, again, trying to shut me up, tell me my emotions are baseless and grounds for ignoring me (my emotions are inconvenient for them).

I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate.

In case you're wondering...I'm not a whiner or a drama queen, I'm simply human, when I'm cut I bleed and I say "Ouch." But that is what I'm being told is too much.

Thank you for listening!

love0c Thu 22-Aug-19 19:04:07

I have read your post twice to make sure I understand you. I think I do!?

I am wondering if you suffer with anxiety and are a bit more sensitive than he average person. The reason I as this is because people all 'feel' different about things. Jus like people like different taste in food. What one likes another hates. What upsets or makes you anxious does not bother the people around you. Hence they do not understand. They can not identify with what you are feeling because they themselves do not feel like that. I have found the people I can tell my anxieties to and who will listen and sympathize and who not to tell them to. The people who I don't tell are because I know they will not understand and indeed make me feel even worse. Try to believe, which I think is the case, not that they do not care but are not capable of feeling about certain things like you are. You also have to accept that some people are just horrible and when you find that out just avoid them at all costs!! But knw there are many people like yourself who are a bit more sensitive than the average person. Try to think of it as being a good thing. What a world it would be if everybody was as hard as nails!!

Doodle Thu 22-Aug-19 19:04:11

The question is are you anxious about things and they are telling you there is no need to worry or that there is nothing you can do about it so don’t worry about it. Or, are you saying that they think your opinions are worthless. These are two different things.
Sorry I am not clear from your post which this is.

BradfordLass72 Fri 23-Aug-19 12:19:51

Your self-analysis is spot on. Yes, shutting people's emotions down by belittling is a way of controlling.

Your feelings are, to them, an inconvenient truth which they aren't strong enough to handle.
But you are.

I read a core of strength and wisdom in your post which I'm sure will stand you in good stead.

There is anxiety and there is 'situational anxiety' (caused by the situation) and depression and 'situational depression'.

At the moment I suspect you may have situational anxiety as a result of what's just happened.

You can tell people, firmly and kindly that YOU have a right to feel as you do and they have no right to tell you your feelings are invalid.
It doesn't have to be an argument, just a statement - even a written one if that feels better.

Don't enter into discussion, it's not up for discussion. Your feelings are valid and real - end of story.