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Daughter’s drink problem

(18 Posts)
Lesley60 Fri 25-Sep-20 11:40:48

I wonder if any of you wise people could give me some advice.
My eldest daughter is 45 yrs old she has been divorced for 13yrs and has three grown up children, they all left as teenagers either to live with me or their Dad.
She has always been selfish and put herself first, she has been a heavy drinker for years, often drinking two bottles of wine a night in the house on her own, it’s got to the stage where none of the family want to be with her socially as she always gets very drunk and becomes nasty.
She has pushed numerous friends away through her behaviour even some she went to school with, and destroyed several relationships due to her wanting to always come first before partner seeing his children, despite all this she holds down a full time job.
She always says she had a very happy childhood and I have helped her a lot with the children over the years both financially and childcare.
I have tried to speak to her several times about it and offered to get private counselling for her but she doesn’t think she has a problem
Her adult children have tried to talk to her about it but she just becomes abusive to them, she has hurt me so many times over the years with her nasty tongue that I’m starting to dislike her, obviously I love her and can’t help but remember what a cute child she was, she seems to have to get drunk when she goes out and make a fool of herself sometimes hooking up with random men.
I’m so worried about what she is doing to her physical health and she is making her self so vulnerable to abuse.
Sorry about my long post but I’m at a loss what to do next.

sodapop Fri 25-Sep-20 12:30:55

It's hard Lesley60 but there is nothing you can do until your daughter admits she has a problem and asks for help. Let her know you are there to help when she is ready.
It's sad watching someone we love going down this road but your daughter is responsible for herself and her actions none of this is your fault.

Toadinthehole Fri 25-Sep-20 12:37:30

I agree with sodapop, she has to want to change. Maybe, if you can, you just offer as much support to your grandchildren as possible. They all sound well adjusted despite everything. You’ve obviously tried so hard over the years, maybe now is the time to back right off. You need to look after yourself now.💐

Grandmabatty Fri 25-Sep-20 13:38:30

Perhaps contact Al anon for families of alcoholics? They could offer you support. I agree with the others that you need to back off now for your own sake. Do not engage with her when she is drunk. Do not offer her help unless she asks for it. You are enabling her addiction by supporting her, although, as a mother, that's what you want to do. I feel very sorry for you watching her go down this path. However she is an adult and can make her own choices. 💐

travelsafar Fri 25-Sep-20 13:43:30

You poor lady. I know someone who had a drink issue and it was awful. They become so verbally abusive and can damage those around them to the point they saty away as you have said. Only the drinker can resolve this problem and they have to want to get help. I dont envy you at all.

grannylyn65 Fri 25-Sep-20 13:50:48

Speaking as a recovering alcoholic ( 34 years) I say the above is right. I had to reach my own rock bottom , and it was really really bad.

Say

sodapop Fri 25-Sep-20 15:26:43

Well done Grannylyn65 its good to have advice from someone who has been there. Must have been hard for you I imagine. You have my respect.

fevertree Fri 25-Sep-20 15:31:16

Dear Lesley, I am so sorry to read of your troubles with your daughter. adfam.org.uk is an organisation for people who have family or loved ones with addiction problems including with alcohol. They have chat forums where you might find some help. You have to save yourself from the impact her drinking is having, just as your daughter has to save herself.

thanks for you.

Lesley60 Fri 25-Sep-20 16:29:14

Thank you all so much for your kind replies and advice, as you say it’s so hard to watch your child ruining her life, wracking your brain what to do, I long to go back to the days I could make everything better with a kiss.
May I also say well done to grannylyn65 💐

NotSpaghetti Fri 25-Sep-20 16:40:21

I can’t imagine what it’s like when this is the daughter you love - even if she’s often not very likeable.
I do know from my work years ago though, that she will have to be at rock bottom to accept help - and sadly this will be much worse than what you think is rock bottom.

But people such as grannylyn above, are testament to the fact that recovery is possible. Please don’t despair, but I don’t believe anything you could say or do will make a difference.

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.
💐

Iam64 Fri 25-Sep-20 16:40:29

Lesley60 - you have good advice and support here. Grannylynn 65 tells it like it is, thanks for that and can I add brave woman , well done x

NotSpaghetti Fri 25-Sep-20 16:41:22

Well done * grannylyn65*!
Something to be proud of.

fevertree Fri 25-Sep-20 18:12:41

Yes indeed grannylyn you - and others like you - exemplify hope in action. People can and do recover. 34 years of sobriety is an impressive achievement.

BlueBelle Fri 25-Sep-20 19:01:34

I feel for you and I feel for your daughter she must be so unhappy alienating everybody but as other have said so little you can do until she is ready to end her lonely relationship with booze
Well done grannylyn

Lesley60 Fri 25-Sep-20 20:12:32

The problem is bluebelle she thinks everyone else is always at fault never her, when she is verbally abusive she thinks everyone should forget what she has said but sometimes you can’t, I know as her mother I have to forgive but her friends don’t, neither do new partners.
I worry so much for her future.

Fecklar Tue 13-Oct-20 10:17:21

I’ve been in the same position now 24 years sober. It’s a horrendous condition to get out of once you’re locked in. It’s not her talking it’s the alcohol it permeates your brain and affects your view on the world. It takes 2 years to leave your system and causes insanity. I didn’t have what could be described as a rock bottom I just had a moment of clarity and was sick and tired of being sick and tired. However, I had to reach that decision myself. Resentment is No.1 offender. Nobody could fix me but me. I was the problem. Al anon is a place you can get help probably online now. It’s not your fault remember that.

GillT57 Tue 13-Oct-20 12:32:39

Some brave posts on here, well done. x

beautybumble Mon 19-Oct-20 15:12:50

Hi. You have my sympathy and I really hope that one day your daughter will reach that point when she knows she has to get help. Addiction is so cruel. I hope very much that one day you will get that beautiful little girl back. I was in that boat only a few weeks ago with my daughter. She has 2 beautiful little girls and a successful business and I fear that she could lose everything. She's been sober for nearly 4 weeks so I'm praying this will be it now. Good luck to you and your family.