My husband left me and now the house is a tip

Very old thread.

Is the house too big for you? Just saying as we had to downsize as we couldn't manage and actually didnt want to (if we were real with ourselves) tidy and clean, cut grass etc in a place too big, imagine you are moving and needed to downsize, it's amazing what we have we don't use,need, etc

Old thread and the OP came back to tell us of her progress.

You probably realize this, it doesn't matter how much advice suggestions are given if you don't want to get organized you won't.
You have to be the one to become proactive and make the decision to do something about it. It's your decision, if you want to live in a tip that's up to you.
Your x doesn't have anything to do with the situation you are in now, that's just an excuse.

I can understand how things accumilate and suddenly its hard to know what to get rid of, personally I would get a friend in to go through a room at a time with you, see what you want, donate to charity or dump, even just a corner of the room a week, it will take time but slowly is better than not at all

I'm pleased that you are making progress Unigran, especially in these difficult times. I've been trying to declutter and have found that the better weather and light nights have helped.

Onwards and upwards Unigran!

Well, I've had 5 sessions now. My house is no tidier but it transpires that I have quite a mountain to climb before I can clear my mind and think straight again.

Let's just say, my ex is in the clear! He's just a small part of a much bigger problem that I wasn't aware of.

Thank you Gransnetters, I appreciate your support.

hooray for the counselling - it will take time honestly it will and bring up lots of baggage so treat yourself kindly x

@Unigran4, my sympathies for the situation you are in. There are times when you just work hard and when you're home just to keep things going, no time for deep sorting and then it mounts up. Like you, I understand all the do it for 5 minutes, do one drawer, different boxes etc, and they are all good things to do and have found them useful but hard to keep up and make a dent in things. One thing I will say which helped me was the thought that I came across on a mental health event, even if you don't manage to achieve your goal, you have moved forward and another time you have a go you start further along. Certainly, your mental health comes into it and great to have made a start on tackling that
I never had a problem until I met and married my husband, he came from a family which liked to pass on junk to other members of the family, and when we married I had no end of problems persuading him that we didn't want x,y,z junk household items, took many years to get rid of some of the stuff we had been given. He was an untidy hoarder and made things so difficult for me as couldn't access my things, which got trapped behind stuff of his, he never helped, and eventually, I just couldn't cope and things got worse. I did try and declutter my stuff but couldn't dare to touch his stuff. Anyway, he left me, took some of his stuff, so I spent some years while divorce was going on clearing as much stuff of his as I could and taking it round to him, wore myself out, hurt my shoulder and then did suffer from depression. from the trauma of it all, and depression really saps your energy
I did get help for my mental health, and worked on stuff that he'd left, all the while working albeit part-time and visiting increasingly unwell parents many miles away so I'd spend a week or so at a time every couple of months so that cut into the time I had, but so glad I did it instead of spending the time on clearing out, as they have now died, Between times too much time was spent trying to sort things out at a distance, etc. Dad late last year. Finally, I thought that I could get on. What happened, however, was that I had an accident, not connected to the mess, it was not at home, but the children decided that they would take over and sort stuff for he, I'd like to suggest that if you can manage to get sorted before something like that happens, which I hope it doesn't, that would be good I'm torn between what has been thrown away and relief that I'll be able to get the house how I want, there will still be stuff to do, but the spectre of years decluttering before I could enjoy my forthcoming retirement in a few years time.
I wonder if as well as exploring your mental health, could you afford a declutterer such as you see on the TV for a while, to get you going then again when you start slowing down etc until you are where you want to be.
Everything that I've done to tackle the situation I've learnt from, and hope that it will be useful going forward to keep things sorted. I'll never be a minimalist and no one should tell anyone hat that's what they should be but learned a lot from clearing out my parents' house.
One thing I did find helpful a couple of years was doing the lent 40 bag challenge, not sure why that worked when working things into boxes or sorting a drawer didn't, maybe because it was sort of a one-off, and I was doing it instead of giving up chocolate or something
Basically, you aim to fill and discard 40 bags full of stuff, one a day during lent
It can be any size of bag, a sandwich bag, a carrier, a bin bag, whatever, you choose. By Easter, you are 40 bags lighter. I stalled in years when I was really down with the situation but didn't beat myself up about it
Things from the various approaches that I particularly didn't find helpful, just in case it's useful if not, ignore-
Marie Kondo groups, especially American ones where you were castigated for not following the method to the letter, I might find the approach useful going forward but honestly, had I turfed out every x, y,z into a pile I'd never have got over it, and anyway it is useful to have more than one of things, such as sellotape and scissors, and on some of the groups, people were bemoaning having thrown away hand sanitiser cos they had more than one back when lockdown started
Only touch it once, I learned that the decluttering I have managed was so much easier when I'd made room to sort things out. Paralysing to think that you had to make a split-second decision, so you end up keeping, often sleeping on it or even delaying thinking about it for some time brought sensible decisions.
Use the store as your storage, well that went down well when lockdown kicked in, didn't it, take into account that maybe you don't want or are not able to pop out every time you need something, maybe replace with run things down and keep less, also can you replace it easily, well yes now I can, but when I'm a pensioner will I be able to, maybe not, but, would I need to replace it then or can I just look for a replacement on the free pages, do they ever come up on there, if yes, there's a couple every week, ok; if no, think again and postpone the decision

Good luck and don't listen to those who peddle an easy fix, cos there isn't one, and let us know how it goes

Counselling session booked for this Tuesday. I have told her I do not expect her to help me de-clutter my house, just de-clutter my mind.

So much mind junk to work through...I may be some time!

Thank you, lovely gransnetters. I'll be back!

De-cluttering is difficult but must be done. We are in a big house and the more room I have the more junk I accumulate. I keep saying we must move to a bungalow but it has lately occurred to me that I would be happy to stay here if I could just streamline. When Covid is over and the charity shops are once more open I shall take daily bags of linen, towels, clothes, shoes, china etc., etc., I don’t mind parting with it at all if I feel someone else can use it and it will not be wasted. I would advise doing one room or cupboard at a time. That would be much more satisfying than a bit here and a bit there and the results would show.
If you promise to do it Unigran then so will I. We’ll feel so
Good afterwards!

You’re obviously a very capable person Unigran4 and like everyone else here I wish you well with this challenge in your life

Unigran4 I think you're right to consider counselling, it is obvious you have tried all the usual prescribed methods to counteract hoarding and it isn't as simple as that. I have a relative who is a hoarder, and has been most of her adult life. Her hoarding started during WW11, when as a young teen she was the person who had to look after young siblings while family members were doing other war work. She also became adept at altering and remodelling clothing which was essential, I always remember her unravelling yarn for knitting too. So saving and collecting clothing, books, household items etc became a habit which has never been broken. We don't know the reasoning behind your hoarding, speaking to a counsellor may have the affect of reassessing the way you look at things.

Unigran I feel for you. I have some experience of lots of stuff from dead relatives and inability to deal with it. From my reading and my experience I suggest.

First you need to know what you want as the finished effect for each room. i.e. what you would be doing in the room, how it would look etc. You can do this with vision boards.

You might like to get some inspiration from a marvelous programme on BBC 2. Just imagine how the contestants would work if they were to give your house a make over. what would be your brief to them.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04nj4d5

Along with working out your brief for each room I think it helps to goal plan your various areas of life. There is a useful method using a computer programme to be found at

www.brianmayne.com/goal-mapping/

I have the free membership and one personal goal map but if you decide its for you with the paid membership you can do more goals and prepare to do lists. These can all be printed off.

Once you have todo lists you can then think how do I get help?

I used to use a declutterer once a year for 4 hours to help me move towards my goals for each room. Now now though I am on my own.

It takes time to move forward and it may be helpful to use a therapist.

All the very best.

During the summer we had to sort out the very cluttered home of my husband's uncle who had moved into a care home and the house needed to be sold. We travelled to where he lived and my husband and I worked solidly for a week, up to 12 hrs a day sorting through all his possessions and reorganising, cleaning and 'staging' the house ready for the estate agent to make a valuation. I was able to do it because I had no emotional attachments to his or his deceased wife's possessions.

However, it's a different matter when it comes to me sorting out my own spare room. I have great difficulty letting go of my own things.

I run Clutter Cleanse workshops and Zoom calls. I entirely empathise with your situation which must seem overwhelming. First I recommend that you stop calling your mess 'clutter' and reframe it as "a collection of possessions and pending items that I will deal with over time once I've put a practical-for-me handling system in place".

Now spend at least a couple of days really thinking about how your negative feelings [emotions] around this issue are impacting your ability to act. The latest psychological research points to the fact that procrastination about doing a task is an emotional regulation issue not a time management problem. It's actually your familiar way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods - anxiety, frustration, insecurity, resentment, self-doubt etc - induced by the very thought of the task in hand and its associations with your past life. Once you recognise this and accept 'what is', you can empower yourself to approach your home and item cleansing as a positive life-enhancing experience.

I am happy to mail you a free copy of my book 'The Habitat Affect' [if you pay p&p] which covers easy ways to handle all items either by beautiful storage or freecycling [local websites still work for this while charity shops are closed], selling, gifting, starting a friendsfamily exchange WhatsApp group etc. The one bit of information I will briefly mention here as being universally useful is: of every single item in your home ask yoursef "does this make my heart sing?" If not, why not? Followed by, "everything I decide to keep, I will make a special home for it within my home" - that goes for long-term storage and display as well as incoming/outgoing pending items. Good luck and know that you will succeed!

Thank you FarNorth.

Well said Musicgirl!

Scottydog, l have just read through your post with mounting disbelief and sadness. I prefer clean and tidy myself but find it takes an effort to keep it that way (which I make and also have a cleaner when not in lockdown). You would probably still be judgemental of my home, though as it is a home and not a show house and I do not rush round behind people to plump up cushions. Being naturally clean and tidy does not make someone a better person. Your poor daughter. From the information you have given she probably felt quite rejected in favour of her perfect, tidy brother. I do hope this is not the case. Personally, l feel the OP has been very brave in speaking out about her problems and am glad that she is going to have counselling.

Tackle one bit at a time, if it saleable the put it on eBay, if not put it in the bin/recycling. If you find it difficult can you ask a friend or your children to help you? It can be quite therapeutic selling on eBay and you can give a donation to your favourite charity. It is very easy to accumulate things! I have ‘stuff’ belonging to elderly relatives from when I cleared their houses after they had passed, now I am dealing with it. I know if I still have it when I have passed my daughter with put it in a skip! Major decluttering underway.

Don’t think Scottydog and I would get on....

I like this:

Unigran4, I have a different view on things. First my (warped?) sense of humour made me find your title amusing:

'My husband left me and now the house is a tip'

('Great, things are looking up' I thought)

By way of explanation, my mother had OCD and was very houseproud. We walked on eggshells, pushed the carpet sweeper, mopped floors. It's hell living with a perfectionist.

So, naturally, I rebel against neat, tidy and organised. I disagree with 'Tidy house, tidy mind' (or tidy desk, tidy mind). I once went ballistic when somebody decided to tidy my office for me!

When I, occasionally, clean a room (dust, hoover, tidy up) I just have to 'disorganise' something to make it cosy and homely again. I throw a blanket on a chair, leave a few books on the floor, leave some clutter out. Then I'm happy.

Getting your house neat and your things under control (sorted, stored or disposed of) may be something so overwhelming that you're not ready to face it yet - or ever. It's really not important unless it bugs you. Life is too short.

If you do decide to begin, take it slowly, bit by bit. If it makes you feel better, then carry on.

BlackSheep46, I'd never do something I hate doing - let alone recommend that to others!

Bully for you Scottydog.
Did you miss that the OP used to be tidy and organised?
The OP does not like the way her house is and wants to do something about it. Your belief that she is just one of the people who don't tidy is very unhelpful.