Why didn't my sister let me know...

You sister might not have heard your ma say she was all right, because she would have told you (later) that she wasn't, and also, maybe, she did not want to worry you unduly. If you have Facebook, you can call, even if it's just for one minute, and it costs you nothing, and if you want, you can see your ma, then, too.

To those of you who ring your mum everyday good for you! I don’t and would have nothing to talk about if I did. Why is it the OP’s fault for not calling ? Two way street you know

HazelEyes, I think you have turned this situation around and made it your sister and your mums fault. Your sister has probably been busy with her own life and keeping things ticking over for your mum and I expect when you phoned your mum she was not unwell then or didn’t want to worry you.
Perhaps keeping more regular contact with both your mum and sister could avoid this situation. Please don’t blame them, perhaps you are just feeling a bit guilty.

Maybe your sister did not want to worry you as there was nothing you could do.

Being a day to day carer of a parent- whilst other sibblings get on with their life far away (or not, in many cases) is very hard. To be criticised then by those who do not deal with an elderly parent, day in, day out, can feel like the ultimate insult and hurt very deeply.

Unless you were going to drop everything and rush over to see your Mother I don’t know what you are upset about, it sounds as though your sister has been your Mothers carer for a while and I’m sure she had it under control.
Unless you would have gone over and helped your sister to care for your Mum, until she was better?

The only person who can give you that answer is your sister herself.... we ( GN ) can all give you our thoughts on the matter but there is only 1 person with the answer.

X

Sago and FlexibleFriend,
Jumping in with your judgemental comments does you no credit whatsoever.

Fleurpepper

Sorry Hazel, but your first sentence was that your sister is your mum's carer.

You perhaps have no idea how much 'resentment' there can be, when one sibbling does all the day to day caring, and others just phone once in a while. Blunt, yes- but the reality.

Yes to this.
I’m not my mum’s carer because she lives in a care home. However I visit several days a week, get anything from the shops she needs, liaise with her care home staff and doctor regularly, am selling her flat, have sorted out her flat, manage her finances. My sister phones when she feels like it. Sometimes no calls for weeks, when she’s annoyed with mum, other times three calls a day. We don’t communicate because sister’s mental illness makes her extremely nasty at times. I get on with it. It is what it is.
Maybe your sister feels the same. Perhaps show a little more interest, and visit sometimes. Apologies if you already visit. Phone your sister and communicate with her.

That's nothing my ugly sis and ma didn't tell me my dad had been in hospital for 6 weeks with stage 4 bowel cancer! We've not been exactly clos ever I'm not the #1favourite but was kinda close to pa. Their excuse? They didn't think I'd be interested....... You just care for your darling mum as you always have had, ignore siblings she's YOUR mum too and nowt to do with their relationship with them!hope she's ok?

Elizabeth27

Maybe your sister did not want to worry you as there was nothing you could do.

Lame excuse, it's their Mum!!

There is nothing wrong at all with only being in contact once a week

The blest advice I have seen is for you to up that contact now your mum is getting older. Even if you just text twice a week asking how everyone is.

Is there anything you could offer to take a little of the burden off your sister? I appreciate its harder living further away for you to ohysically be there but could you arrange the weekly shop for mum or send a cleaner to help?

Urmstongran

I think my first text would be to thank her profusely for being so kind and dependable acknowledging that her dedication and care does mean a great deal to you. Let some water flow under that bridge before you broach what is bugging you.

Yes, these were my thoughts as well.

I would be telling her how appreciative you are... maybe send the occasional card, bunch of flowers, chocolates etc?

She may be feeling a bit overwhelmed sometimes and whilst she may understand logically that you are not near at hand to help, she may, quite naturally be dealing with some feelings around that.

I was left to look after my mother as my sisters both lived abroad and whilst I understood that rationally, there were moments when I did feel resentful that the whole load was on me.

You can't help it if you live a long way from your mum. I lived nearly 200 miles because of DH job. I am an only one and relations stepped in and offered to keep an eye on her. My mum wore a Buzz button.
Of course, mums always say they are alright they don't want to worry you.
Carers can get very fraught they are in a situation which is changing daily. Don't be cross at your sister just keep in touch with her as well as your mum then you will find out the real situation. We set up a system where I phoned mum every day for a short chat and took turns with the carers phoning each other regularly.

Ask her.... We can't answer your question.

There’s a curious inconsistency in people’s perceptions of time.
Just as if I don’t hear from my D’s I feel their silence is endless, but when I am busy, time flies past
Be generous, and allow that perhaps she was up to her ears, or perhaps things seemed less serious at the time but I agree - a tactful request to let you know sooner in future would be appreciated (plus a bit of soft soap saying how much you appreciate all she does)
Not worth falling out over, is it?

Set a specific day and time to phone both your Mum and sister for a general catch-up and when you have the chats to your sister, just gently remind her to let you know if she has any concerns about Mum.

It is important to remember that your sister, being Mums Carer, has her hands full and it might not always occur to her.

By having a set catch-up time Mum will have something to look forward to, you can all keep in touch with family news and sister will no doubt feel supported.

I've been there -brother living 3 miles from mum and me over 200 miles away. I phoned her once a week at a prearranged time. If she didn't answer I worried but if I rang brother he would moan about having to do everything. In the end the couple who cleaned and did odd jobs for her said if I was worried to ring them and they would go and check. They understood that I worried and couldn't pop round to check myself. Thankfully she eventually agreed to move into sheltered accommodation so she had a warden keeping an eye on her. I sympathise if you live a long way away. Siblings can feel hard done by being the one who lives nearby and has to deal with everything but they don't always appreciate the worry we feel when we can't do anything because of the distance. There needs to be understanding on both sides. Maybe explain that you understand the burden your sister carries by living nearest but also explain that the fact you are further away doesn't mean you care any less.

Your sister is completely responsible for looking after your mother and you’re upset she didn’t let you know immediately that she was poorly?! Why don’t you try being more involved. Just a thought. Your post took my breath away because I was in the same position with both my parents before they died and found it stressful, tiring and sometimes traumatic. Almost zero help from siblings. I cannot believe you are this insensitive.

Buttonjugs

Your sister is completely responsible for looking after your mother and you’re upset she didn’t let you know immediately that she was poorly?! Why don’t you try being more involved. Just a thought. Your post took my breath away because I was in the same position with both my parents before they died and found it stressful, tiring and sometimes traumatic. Almost zero help from siblings. I cannot believe you are this insensitive.

Woah you know absolutely nothing about the dynamics of this relationship and this isn’t about you. Don’t be so awfully judgemental and yes, to use your word, insensitive.

I agree with Fleurpepper. I'm sure you care very much Hazeleyes. I would suggest more frequent contact with your mum and supporting your sister whenever you can and remembering to thank her regularly for all that she does and regular little presents such as
flowers or chocs.

She could have texted you because she was more-or-less in your mother's hearing all the time, and did not want your mother to worry by hearing herself described as ill on the phone.

I see nothing wrong with ringing once a week to your mother, I would happily have done the same, only my mother DEMANDED a phone call every blessed day of the last two years of her life.

It depends on the circumstances, whether you should ring more frequently, or ask your sister to let you know sooner next time anything is wrong. The latter is easiest to do if you can truthfully say that early notice would give you a chance to re-arrange things so you could come and help.

Hi HazelEyes ,

Deep breath !

Don't be upset .

I understand that you are disappointed with your sister .
I bet that your mother told her not to bother you and that she'll cope !

I suggest texting more frequently and offering to help your sister maybe letting her have a break from your mum .
I expect that she's increasingly tired and stressed .
Perhaps , she was suddenly overwhelmed by your mother's sudden illness .
Something like a urine infection can make an elderly person completely out of it .
I've known my father be perfectly fine eating /drinking, enjoying a programme and making conversation and then , lapsing into a semi comatose state being blue lighted to hospital and not expected to live .

The first time he became seriously ill - I ended up on A and E as an emergency .

At first , relatives came to stay and expected me to wait on them hand and foot !

I've also been criticised for not taking him round the garden .
When two men couldn't lift him outside they realised the problem .

I've been disappointed by relatives not contacting me or being dismissive . And I'd love a break -something I was promised four years ago and it's not happened !

Trust me , being a carer is not an easy job .

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well, I was a carer for my Mum and my sister lives away so I think I speak from experience as a carer. I don't think your sister has done anything wrong, things can seem to be ok but as Mum's health gets worse you look back and can see the signs more easily. That might be the point when you ring other members of the family.
Similarly, you have done nothing wrong either. Ringing once a week is fair enough and it can be difficult to make conversation if your mother is not getting out much.
I don't think you should tackle this with your sister as a criticism. I think you should accept that sometimes the demands of life get in the way. Maybe a more gentle conversation about how you worry that things might deteriorate and you won't know about it might alert your sister of your worries.