Jealousy of daughter’s MIL

Forewarned is forearmed, you've read cautions. Good Luck!!

Speaking to your daughter regarding visits. You won't feel it necessary to have m.i.l over when DD comes round.

Separate relationships, that's as should be, really.

Be kind, remain pleasant as always, keep your thoughts to yourself.

We did something similar many years ago, but the house was separated
I don’t know how I got talked into it, I was never happy with the arrangement, and eventually we managed to sell up and move on, fortunately we never fell out over it

It’s hard to say what they did wrong, just being there I suppose, there were advantages like babysitting, and the children liked it, but I would never do it again if I could go back.

Good luck to you and all concerned.
I used to think it was just me as other people seemed to co-exist like FlexibleFriend and her DS / DiL and it all works out fine.
My DM was not an easy person but we did think we could rationally talk through any problems. As it progressed, it became harder.
If anything I was a bit jealous of her freedom.
I was stuck at home in with the children a lot of the time while she was free to go out with friends, do voluntary work and enjoy her retirement. rather like I do now

I live with my youngest DD to help with child care while she completes her nursing degree. Its not easy as her three boys are live wires and one is being assessed for autism which means he can be quite challenging! However it largely works and we get on ok, I go out if she is having friends round and I make sure we both have our own space. It can work fine if everyone is willing to pitch in and above all make compromises

flexibleFriend oh thank goodness someone who has had a positive experience, thank you so much. Hopefully it will be ok and I might be worrying unnecessarily.

It’s too late when it’s already happened Hithere.

My son and Dil live with me and we have no issues at all. We don't live in each others pockets, I don't tag along with whatever they are doing nor do I hi-jack their friends, why would I? We share a house and a kitchen but apart from that lead separate lives. We've lived together for 7 years so far and haven't had any problems. We didn't buy a house together, they moved in with me because of my disability issues but then wouldn't we be more likely to have issues? As long as they all treat each other with respect they shouldn't have problems.

It is never too late to stop it.

Mil wanting to live close to his son doesnt mean living in the same home

Enmeshment is not a good thing

Too late. House is bought. MiL didn’t previously live in this area and wants to be near her son, which is fair enough but a separate house would provide that. Oh dear everybody seems as concerned as I am. I posted because I was worried about my feelings of jealousy but it’s true that I am also worried they are all making a mistake. I did try talking to DD about it, as did various friends of theirs, but she seems to think it will all be ok. Now I'm not only upset that I feel jealous but even more worried that this is a mistake. Anyone out there who have a good experience of this sort or arrangement?

Hear, hear.

The more I read the more I think your daughter needs to act now, and speedily. If MiL lives in the same area and is not in need of care, why is she moving into the same house as her son and DiL? Why choose a house with no separate annexe?

Your daughter must insist that some of the money from the sale of MiL's house goes to converting part of the new house into a separate sitting room with kitchen facilities, and make it clear that they will not be eating together every day, neither will they be sharing friends and social events.

Being a good daughter in law does not mean opening up her marriage to include her slightly controlling mother in law. What is she thinking of?
You are right to be concerned.

Germanshepherdsmum

Two women in one kitchen …

So true … We had my step mum living with us on occasions for nearly a month each time - oh the relief when we were able to take her home!

OP - I so hope that MiL is not controlling ?. You should not be made to feel that you need to include her when you arrange to have your DD and SiL over. Start how you mean to go on.
Good luck x

My DM came to live with us when she retired. She was a widow and DH was incredibly tolerant and kind.

She helped us to buy a bigger house and it was all legal.

We talked it all through beforehand and she was going to be a great help with child minding, (we had 3 DC) and would be separate in her own self contained flat.
The inlaws, who were younger and still working, came to stay to help with decorating etc and the signs of tension began.

They never got on and I had to ask DH to tell them to leave once because I was so stressed.

After 3 years it all came to a head and DM moved out again to live near my sister.

Living in the same house; seeing every visitor; feeling left out if you are not invited for a meal; children behaving badly and being taught childcare by your DM plus many small irritations made the situation intolerable.

As soon as she left we all sighed with relief and were great friends again for the following 25 years!

We were also warned against it by various friends and relations but we thought we knew better.

I don't think the inlaws were jealous but may have been. They had other DC and busy lives.

OP

Your daughter is setting herself up for failure.

She has her mil prioritized vs how it impacts your daughter's nuclear family

Do they have cohabitation rules?
Expense plan?
What would happen when vacation plans come up?
When mil needs care?

Why does mil want to live with them?

This is not going to end well

Concerns not corners

This is a recipe for disaster.
If anything is going to break a marriage.... it is a live-in m-i-l...
Your daughter is crazy or co-ersed...

Hithere just that she feels MiL wants this move and she is trying to be kind and helpful and do what she can to make it possible. Oh dear lots of corners people are raising. fleurpepper the area we live property is very cheap so the sale of the MiL house, had she remained in it and died there, would not have hit death duty levels, so not for tax purposes.

In one case I know, the daugther died after a short battle with cancer, and the husband re-married after a couple of years, and the mother was out on her ear.

Two women in one kitchen …

I know a few people who have done this- pooled resources to buy one much larger property. And I've never known it to work after a few months. Getting on well and living together, day, in, day out ... unless there are totally separate units (and even then!) are very different kettle of fish.

Would never do this myself, as much as I enjoy my AC's company. People usually do this to avoid tax when the parent dies.

My dd’s MiL is lovely, I couldn't fault her, but I wouldn’t like it, either!
I wonder how it’ll work out? Call me a nasty old cynic but I’d be surprised if all is pure sweetness and light a year or so down the line.

Op

What does "being a good dil" mean?

Thank you all for the replies and for sympathy and advice. Yes, I do think it’s partly that I am worried how it will all work out and hoping it doesn’t cause problems in the relationship between DD and SiL. I think my daughter is trying very hard to be a good DiL so I really do hope it is all ok. I will do as suggested and ask just DD out for coffee or round here for some time together. I just hope that MiL does have some sensitivity and awareness to make sure DD and her son have time together alone.

I do understand how you feel ScaredyKatt. It's as though your DDs mil has taken over your family and moved them into her home.

Like others I don't think this was a wise choice. A couple need their privacy and who would want a third party viewing their marriage at close quarters.
This may turn out very differently to what you envisage.

Your daughter and husband must have a plan to change living arrangements if this doesnt work out