Jealousy of daughter’s MIL

I think time will help you get use to the idea. Maybe make sure when you visit the mil is not included in the visit as this might help you feel differently. Good luck with it all and I am sure it will work out fine

Please try to overcome the feeling of jealousy, it will only eat away at you, cause distress and taint your relationship with their family unit.
Perhaps his mother has a medical condition that you are unaware of which might impact on her in the course of time.
However, there is a possibility in the future that your DD might begin to regret agreeing to the move, who knows.
Don't distance yourself though, in fact why not suggest to the MIL that. the two of you go out together - invite her to your group of friends when you meet up.

Will there be grandchildren in the home?
Has proper legal provision been made?
What if MIL needs specialist care, would the house have to be sold?
Do they all get along?
Was it all done so your daughter and SIL could have a bigger home?

There are so many questions, it’s a brave and potentially dangerous move.

Are you sure your feeling jealous, I think it could be deep concern!

I am sure everything was discussed before the move so your concerns have probably been thought of by them. It may work well for both parties and if it does not they will sort things out.

You will have to work hard on hiding your jealousy and negativity from your daughter otherwise she won't want to see you so often.

Try to be more positive, it is beneficial to your daughter, and they are all happy about it.

I agree Sago. Recipe for disaster.

Thanks all of you for replies. Few answers to questions posed - No, it wasn’t considered in any depth before they made the decision, which is why friends are worried. No grandchildren. Not done because they wanted a bigger home. Yes if specialist care was needed then probably the house would have to be sold. All done correctly legal wise. They do all get along, but very different to actually living together compared with staying a couple of times a year as in the past. I will try hard not to be jealous as I know this is destructive emotion. Thanks for listening to me.

I can understand how the OP feels, in that she will no longer be visiting just her daughter.

Yes, MIL may well be out when she visits, but without a separate annexe, it sounds as though they are all in it together.

And what about when she’s there for a meal, will MIL be eating with them also? It sounds like she will.

I think I would feel aggrieved, concerned and a bit jealous.

Calendar Girl yes I think she will be there if I go round for a meal and also I will feel I need to include her if I ask them to come here for a meal. I don’t know her very well and seems pleasant enough, though maybe a bit controlling. I hate feeling so negative and normally I'm a kind and welcoming person.

‘A bit controlling’. Oh dear. That’s not good is it? I feel for you Scaredy and for your daughter. I understand your feelings and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I’m sure I would feel exactly the same.

I know of three families who have done this, and in all cases the families ended up with both mothers living with them at the same time, and for a very long time too! The marriages survived, but the couples had very little time together just as a couple.
An awful lot depends on the tolerance of the wife.
Discussing it is one thing; actually living it is another.

ScaredyKatt

*Calendar Girl* yes I think she will be there if I go round for a meal and also I will feel I need to include her if I ask them to come here for a meal. I don’t know her very well and seems pleasant enough, though maybe a bit controlling. I hate feeling so negative and normally I'm a kind and welcoming person.

I may be the least controlling person alive and the most likely to walk on eggs, that said - I'd be speaking to my daughter regarding our visits. I'm 100% positive we wouldn't feel it necessary to have her over when they came round.

Separate relationships, as should be, really.

Be kind, remain pleasant as always, and resist jealousy.

Living with any of our grown daughters and family would be difficult - perhaps think: well done her

I don't think it's jealousy really, maybe more a feeling of having to include MiL in your family now, and not having them to yourself? It's definitely going to make things a little difficult IMO but there's nothing you can do about it except accept the changes. You can still try to get time with your daughter - maybe ask her to spend an hour at the shops with you, meet for a coffee for a chinwag? If DD insists of inviting MiL you could just say 'Oh I thought it would be nice just to have a chinwag with my daughter' or think of something you want advice on. Don't let it cause any ill feeling though, or you could upset MiL and/or Son-in-Law. If things don't turn out well for them after the move you don't want anyone suggesting you caused any trouble.

Absolutely well said Sago yes.... it could all go far far deeper. I have a friend who has moved with her DD and SIL to a brand new bigger house and all I am hearing is negative negative negative and she wished she had never done it, I am not implying that this will be the case with your DD but it can go so much deeper and complicated than the initial silk screen notion of pure bliss.

The jealousy will leave your mind once you realise that all is not as initially intended.....

ScaredyKatt

*Calendar Girl* yes I think she will be there if I go round for a meal and also I will feel I need to include her if I ask them to come here for a meal. I don’t know her very well and seems pleasant enough, though maybe a bit controlling. I hate feeling so negative and normally I'm a kind and welcoming person.

If you are in the town you may just find your DD is visiting you more often. It does seem a brave/scary action to take.

Scaredykat ,I can understand your jealousy. The other day, in casual conversation, my d.I.l. said , I’d like to build a small cottage in the garden, for my parents to live, bearing in mind they are younger than me, and, I’m not being petty, but my son will have to fund it as she does not work. I know she’s an only child and perhaps she feels it’s her duty. I have 3 children.
P.S. I am a very independent woman and will not rely on any of the children. That will be asking for trouble

I hope your daughter gets along with mil and her husband is not a mama's boy

Otherwise, this is going to be a disaster

Good news for you- I dont worry jealousy is a problem, you may become closer to your daughter, as she may need you due to this arrangement
If anything, this could work on your favour

Your daughter and husband must have a plan to change living arrangements if this doesnt work out

I do understand how you feel ScaredyKatt. It's as though your DDs mil has taken over your family and moved them into her home.

Like others I don't think this was a wise choice. A couple need their privacy and who would want a third party viewing their marriage at close quarters.
This may turn out very differently to what you envisage.

Thank you all for the replies and for sympathy and advice. Yes, I do think it’s partly that I am worried how it will all work out and hoping it doesn’t cause problems in the relationship between DD and SiL. I think my daughter is trying very hard to be a good DiL so I really do hope it is all ok. I will do as suggested and ask just DD out for coffee or round here for some time together. I just hope that MiL does have some sensitivity and awareness to make sure DD and her son have time together alone.

Op

What does "being a good dil" mean?

My dd’s MiL is lovely, I couldn't fault her, but I wouldn’t like it, either!
I wonder how it’ll work out? Call me a nasty old cynic but I’d be surprised if all is pure sweetness and light a year or so down the line.

I know a few people who have done this- pooled resources to buy one much larger property. And I've never known it to work after a few months. Getting on well and living together, day, in, day out ... unless there are totally separate units (and even then!) are very different kettle of fish.

Would never do this myself, as much as I enjoy my AC's company. People usually do this to avoid tax when the parent dies.

Two women in one kitchen …

In one case I know, the daugther died after a short battle with cancer, and the husband re-married after a couple of years, and the mother was out on her ear.