Confused - Unhappy to be a grandmother

I felt like this just over 12 years ago. I was only 48 and didn’t feel ready to be be a grandparent. I thought of my self as the reluctant grandmother. When my granddaughter was born I felt so different, I fell in love with her. Then she was going to have a little brother or sister and I felt the same way as I had before, I loved my granddaughter but she was enough I didn’t want another one! But of course it was the same again when she was born. Don’t worry I am sure it will be the same for you, although you have grief to contend with as well you may well find this baby filling some of the space in your heart left by your husband.

I was a single parent and became a grandmother at 44. My daughter asked what I’d like to be called, I said grandma, she was “really? are you sure?” Yup I was and still am. I don’t like nanny, my mum was nana, and still here, and my grandmother was granny so that didn’t feel right. As an outsider I would think your lack of joy is mixed up with your grief, a year isn’t very long. As long as your daughter doesn’t realise you’re not overjoyed then you will work your way through this with no one being hurt. And you’re obviously taking pains to ensure she doesn’t realise. If you don’t like grandma come up with a name you do like, maybe a pet name you called your gran, look at other cultures, maybe Oma, Nonna, both lovely. I’m so sorry for your loss and hope your grandchild will bring joy and warmth back into your life.

Grieving can mess with your emotions. When my eldest daughter died I was overwhelmed with grief, I attempted suicide because I could not cope with the pain of losing her, eventually the only way I could survive was to go numb, like a zombie devoid of emotions, literally a shell of myself, dead inside. I felt nothing. My youngest daughter then gave birth to my first grandchild, and holding her in my arms the first time it was literally a life changing moment, like someone had used a defibrillator on my heart, I even gasped out loud as it kicked back into life and for the first time since my daughter died, I suddenly felt a huge wave of love and emotion. It was like I was alive again. I cannot even put it into words. I have a feeling this may happen to you once that baby is in your arms, and all that grief will be washed away with overwhelming love for your grandchild, and you will not care if they call you grandma, nanny, nan, nana, all that matters is your new life with your grandchild and feeling love once again.

As so many posters have said you are still grieving
Maybe becoming a grandmother without your husband there feels like losing a bit more of him, taking a step further away from him and into a stage in life for which you don’t feel ready
Grief is such a complex matter
Allow yourself to feel how you feel
Maybe being a grandmother was never your dream (for many people it is not!) and without your husband even more so
Time can change many things
Don’t make things worse by not accepting yourself and your feelings
Definitely keep with the counselling
And you can be called what you like - I know one grandmother who is called ‘Crystal’
Wishing you future joy x

"Buy'

Hi I'm so sorry but do understand I'm very sad inside as in my own, I grieve for losses I've had, some days better than others and definitely uplifted coffeeing with friends or with my kids when they are free but are often very busy understandably. But I do think this little bundle will open up some of your heart and bring joy, most definitely. I expect like myself you will feel it would be lovely if both grandparents were there for babe sadly we can't change this but we cope. My GS chose nanny I don't know why so I call myself 'PG' also as my GD calls me gran. I dislike gran so PG is pauline granny & a nice nickname. My sister is Pam-ma 😁. I think we are blessed to have these little ones come along, but the odd thing maybe and maybe share DIL journey if she's happy to share. Best wishes

The point is, the op is already a grandmother, regardless of anything else, and regardless of her having adopted her grandchild as if she was her daughter.

I’m sure when the baby is born you will feel very different. As for being called granny, I think the baby will possibly have its own name for you. Our first grandchild decided I was Barry, to the immense amusement of my daughters and it’s stuck although I did get some odd looks. A friend of mine who was horrified at being called granny is called Lola , which is apparently Philipino for granny. Have a look at other languages and you may find something that you like. I’m so sorry you’re finding it so hard to cope after the death of your husband.

Whilst I hadn’t lost anyone close for several years I too had an uneasy feeling when my youngest DS announced at 19 his gf was pregnant and in fact o broke down in tears at the very thought my DH advised me not to get to close to the baby as it would be worse if I got too close only for her mother to stop us from seeing her. But from the moment she was placed in our arms we were smitten and 9 yrs later were still very close to her and her Dad even when her mother caused havoc do we count our blessings

As you see from my user name, my brothers, sisters and close friends always called me Kaz. My grandchildren call me granny Kaz and one of them calls me Granny Kazzy! My husband is Pepe to all the grandchildren. Find a name that you like. Once baby is born you will realise that they are part of you and your late husband, and hopefully you will take comfort from having them in your life. Good luck

Im so sorry for your loss, this will undoubtedly mask any happiness trying to push through..

Give it time, since the death of my granddaughter I too 'fake' my happiness at times, almost like if I pretend it'll happen, and tbf it does come through, almost like the dark clouds lift and sunshine peeks through (I go to grief counselling have done for over a year, the first year I thought I could come out the other side alone, but I couldn't so I found a counsellor a year after her passing)

As for the the name 'Grandma 'this isn't set in stone.. I was a granny at 44, ,people often say' Grannies are for old people 'but nothimg gives me greater pleasure than hearing' graneeeee' called from afar or now it's sometimes 'gran gran'

I have lots of 'granny' friends who are called things like Gee, Gee-gee, gee-ma. Noo( rhymes with boo) Noo-Noo, lolly... etc there is no one name you can be whatever you feel is right for you ❤️

I understand how you feel, I felt very similar and couldn’t understand it myself. My Mom died two weeks after my first Gd was born, a long drawn out illness. The role reversal of going from daughter to grandmother was a shock. I felt I was going through the facade of how I was supposed to feel vs how I felt. I was confused, grieving hard, lost and whiplashed from guilt. I have no husband, and also was set up to care for GD full time while her parents worked. It was challenging and overwhelming. I cried a lot, wanting the feelings to catch up- thinking something was wrong with me. I felt numb. I followed through- going through the motions, acknowledging my feelings to myself only, on long walks in the early morn before she was dropped off. She is now 3, and I love her as fiercely as my own, she has helped me heal and grow in ways I never expected when she was born. I am “Gramma” like my Mom was, and yes it took me a time to get used to it. Thats okay, anything new takes time to get used to. I wish someone could have told me back then that it’s okay to feel what I was feeling. To be open to love even if you don’t feel like it yet. To be amazed by the process of life and death and change and rebirth. The more it hurts the more capacity it has to be filled with love and joy again. I’m so grateful. Still miss my Mom so much. Thats okay. My heart is open again. DGD number 2 next month. Let yourself be where you are. Be kind to yourself, grief is head spinning.

You don't have to me Grandma. You can me anything you want to be. Even something you make up. I'm Nanny. My friend is Nan. Another friend is called Nonna. I've heard another acquaintance called Mumtoo or it might be Mum2. Or maybe GreatMum. I hope you manage to find so e joy somewhere as grandchildren are a joy.

I'd still be grieving my husband. I suspect that never ends, be kind to yourself. I suppose the grief will lessen, though never really leave you.

I delivered our third child whilst our eldest was pregnant. She'd just finished University, married, was settling into her marriage. They were purchasing their home, thankfully large enough for babies. GD1 was a surprise. I wasn't thinking of being a gran so young, it took some getting used to. However GD1 and our last 2 daughters were raised close together, that was very enjoyable.

There are so many surprises in life - wait patiently, I suspect you'll grow to love this new grandchild whilst grieving your beloved.

When your child announces they’re having a child of their own, you remember how it was when you were newly pregnant, & how it felt for you & your husband. That may be bringing back memories that you’re finding very painful at the moment. You have more grieving to do but have lots of time to adjust to the prospect of becoming a Grandmother & I wish you well.
PS I chose to be Nana but my Granddaughter chose Nanny when she started talking. (Which is what my siblings & I called ours as children.)

I am called Grandma and I consider it a privilege.

Get a grip, this child will bring joy to you. I'm a geat grandmother and happy as a sand-boy.

Hi
I am Baba - not grandma - give yourself time. I do believe that when the treasure of your future grandchild arrives and you cradle him/her in your arms. You will find the live in your heart, give yourself time. Be kind to yourself 💖

You’re grieving, please be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much. Your emotions are still so raw that you’re not reacting to anything “normally”. Please try not to worry. As for not wanting to be called grandma, why should you be?! My DGD’s other grandmother declared that as she was too young to be a granny (she had a ten year old granddaughter at the time my granddaughter was born!) she would be called Nannie. I said I was happy to be granny but my granddaughter had other ideas and she me calls a name that could be attached to anybody! Give yourself time and a lot of kindness.

So sorry you lost your husband I,m called Nee as my grandson could not say granny and it’s stuck as he’s 9now and I didn’t want to be called nanny (I apologise to anybody that wants to be )

I think this is tied in to the situation with the granddaughter the op adopted as her own child.

I was 47 when my first grandchild was born and he was only a few months old when my husband died. I’ve had another 8 since then and the joy they have brought me in that time has been wonderful. I met my husband when I was 17 and he was my only really serious relationship. We were married at 20 and still love him 58 years later, but life had to go on and I believe my grandchildren helped me with that. I’m 78 now. Try to think positive and embrace being a grandma. Negative thoughts can only drag you down

I agree with other comments in that your bereavement is having a massive impact on your emotions. Please talk to a professional about it, or there are lots of charities that help those suffering .
NO need to feel guilty. LOTS of need to ACT for the time being. Don't tell your daughter how yo'u're feeling - get knitting!
And there is no law that you have to be called Gran or Nan or anything else. I decreed what I should be called when my daughter produced my first grandson. I didn't mind those titles but it occurred to me that it would be simpler to discriminate between paternal and maternal grandparents if my name was somewhat different.

And just remember that though you have lost the love of your husband, there will be a new member of your family who will love you, in a very different way admittedly, but enjoy!

I am so sorry for your loss, it has been such a short time that I'm not surprised you feel conflicted. Once the baby arrives your reaction may surprise you again but their is nothing which says you have to be instant goo! I was 46 when I became a grandma, a further nine grandchildren later I still love it but it was a bit of a shock to the system!
There is no reason you have to be grandmother, grandma, nanny or nan. Pick a name you'd like to be known by and use that. My parents did this and were much happier because of it.

I hope as time goes on you will bond with your grandchild and your daughter’s new role but even without such a huge loss it is a big readjustment. Talk to your therapist about your feelings, they are in a unique position to know but not judge you which is important with such an emotive subject.
Good luck.

You don’t have to be called ‘Grandma’. My grandson has always called me ‘Nanny’. I think you will feel differently once you get used to the idea and especially once he or she arrives. Just give it time - but please show happiness to the parents to be, even if it doesn’t come naturally at the moment.