Confused - Unhappy to be a grandmother

I have no experience of what you are going through. But you are still clearly devastated by the death of your husband whom you loved so much. You are grieving and will do for a long time. However, when this little person arrives safely into the world, you may think differently. Holding a new life in your arms will be very emotional: terribly sad that your husband can’t share your new grandchild, but joy that this baby will bring to the whole family. I hope you are able to find a little comfort in this lovely news from your daughter.

I am sorry about your husband it must be very hard especially as you were so close.
Once the baby is born you will feel differently, it’s just not something you were expecting but it will almost certainly bring you all great joy.
Try not to worry, all will be well. Oh and congratulations.

I think you’re grieving and maybe a grief counsellor or your GP can help to support you.

I think when your grandchild does come along you may feel differently, but if you don’t then don’t beat yourself up.

Good luck

I think it probably is tied up with your loss of your husband the fact that you ll be a grandma on your own without being able to share the joy with him has made you shut your emotions down
Have you had any help with your loss it sounds to me as if some bereavement counselling would really help
Do you have support ? Perhaps a visit to the GP would help he or she could get you some help you sound very depressed a depressed person badly hurting will shut down all emotions your body and brain is saying don’t welcome this baby as it’s another being I need to love and care for and I don’t want to I just want my life’s partner back I don’t want someone else
Get some help acm please

Thank a lot for your messages.
I had, for the past year, metal health therapy, grieving therapy, groups therapies. And I am still going for some...I am taking medication for depression. I am much, much better than 1 year ago. But my reaction scares me...because is not me. I love my daughter very much and I am so, so sorry I cannot be happy for her. More, I needed to pretend I am happy, in front of her and I am not used to do this. Also what is very strange is the association of "grandma" with me. I cannot see, ever, someone to call my grandma, ever...In my mind grandma is old... I am not feeling old, I feel young in my heart...

I was 59 when I learned that I was to be a granny. I didn't feel at all ready or old enough. I'm lucky that my GD and I clicked almost from the start and we're pretty close even though we live miles apart.

Of course, that might not happen for you but all I can advise is to keep an open mind and see what happens. Don't feel obliged to do anything you don't want to with regard to babysitting etc and choose a name that doesn't make you feel too old - I was asked what I wanted to be called.

It's come as a surprise, which is part of your problem. Give it time and let the situation grow on you, don't force it. I hope that, in due course, your GC will bring you joy.

BTW - my cousin was 39 when she became a granny!

You have had two very different, very emotional shocks in a short space of time. Maybe your lack of emotion at the prospect of becoming a grandmother is tied up with the fact that your dear OH will not be there to share the experience with you.

I would agree with others that you need to give it time to sink in. Hopefully by the time you granchild arrives you will be able to feel the joy that this will bring. It's different for everybody, of course, but I'm sure you will be able to support your daugher in whatever way you can.

I became a GM in my mid-50s, and also had to adapt to being the "older generation" even though I didn't feel at all old, and was still working full time and felt I wasn't ready to be the old Grandma - you're not alone in feeling like that!

acm1766 - that’s sad. The loss of your husband has hit hard. We all understand. But wait till the baby is born. You will find every excuse to visit the baby, cuddle the baby, bottle feed the baby even change the nappies 😂. Give it a bit of time.

You’re grieving.
You don’t like the name grandma- don’t use it, use a descriptive word you like, I’m grannie(first name), friends are nanna/nannie- first name
Being a gran doesn’t equal being old. I’m 19 months from my husband’s death, I know that made me feel vulnerable and Old in a way that shocked me xx

Grief is still overwhelming you, and I think the baby will bring more joy than you expect. I do hope so anyway.
It's a whole new start.
I don't like the word Granny so I chose to be Nan. Hopefully they will let you
choose what to be called.
Sending warm wishes for you to feel better soon.

You don't have to be called grandma....my first grandchild was born when I was almost 10 years younger than you so you don't need to feel old....I'm your agency a d known as granny to my 3 GD ( my choice)...I'm sure yourDD will be understanding ....andthings are always different once the baby is actually here ....wishing you well

How lovely to be a younger Granny. You can call yourself anything you like. There is a whole generation these days of younger grannies who are delighted to be a grandparent,
It was very brave and the right thing to do to be pleased with your daughter’s news even though it must have been difficult. She will also be feeling huge emotional turmoil too.

I have to admit it was a bit of a shock when my daughter had her first baby. They had been married for 10 years and I'd presumed they weren't going to bother. It was hard to get interested and, although I went to meet him in the hospital I was more polite than thrilled. I did worry that I wasn't going to enjoy the whole thing at all, but once he was home it only took a couple of weeks to get me completely ensnared.

It’s very early in your grief acm, I’m wondering if you are pressurising yourself to feel differently to the way you do about your husbands death and the anticipated grandchild.

You are likely to feel very differently when the baby arrives, if not immediately at some point when they are very young. As for how to describe yourself there are no rules. I’m not a grandma, neither is our grandsons other grandmother. There are no rules. Please try not to worry so much. It sounds as if you have a while to adjust, to perhaps see how a new, tiny family member can bring some joy rather than add to your sadness.

Not in your position I know but I had very few feelings about our first grandchild, invited to the hospital in the day of her birth and handed a tiny bundle I was overwhelmed with deep emotion. The same happened with subsequent grandchildren. I’m not a ‘baby person’, they make me nervous and of course the baby knows. I find it easier to relate to toddlers and older children. Even so the emotional connection was still there. Just wait and see, do ‘t t pressurise yourself with ‘shoulds’ and maybe have some lighter moments thinking how you would like to be called, if it’s your first name so be it. Just share your wishes with your family.

Wishing you well. We’re always here to listen if it helps.

But you don’t have to be called grandma I never was I was Nana when they were tiny, which became Nan when they grew up and I m still Nan now they are all out at work and grown and flown and are all bigger than me
Some Nans are called Nana Sue or whatever their name is some are even called by a pet name I always called my grandad a shortened form of his name with a ‘y’ on the end as I tried saying it and couldn’t He loved it
Why not think of a name you could accept and feel comfortable with
I m sure once you see that little thing and it curls it’s little finger round yours you will be smitten

Thanks everyone for your messages...I really appreciate all your kind words...you brought tears to my eyes...

Believe in yourself and let yourself heal in your time, your way, it will all come right in the end, truly it will just don’t put pressure on yourself let it all happen naturally

And please remember this new baby is part of your husband as well as you surely that’s enough to make you rejoice

I'm so sorry about your husband. I was a grandmother at 50. To be honest, I wasn't very happy. I had never given a thought to being a grandmother. However, she is 24 now and has been, from day one, a joy. I now realise that I was lucky to be her nan at that age. We have had so many years and good times with her. Good luck.

Just to add, when I told a colleague that I was to be a grandma, she said 'How horrible. I would hate that'. She now has four grandchildren and is completely besotted.

Dear acm1766, you are young to be a widow.
This new little member of your family being on their way brings it home to you that life marches on, when you would probably rather turn back time.
Talk to your daughter, tell her how your emotions are confusing you.
I'm assuming your husband was also her father? She may have similar mixed feelings.

You don't need to decide on a title or name until the baby is born, there is nothing wrong with you. I didn't know what I wanted to be called but once she was here it suddenly clicked.
I'm not grandma as we already had two in the family at the time.
I decided I liked Granny which had been my Dad's Mum's title, so that's me now 🤗

It's young to be widowed. I am sorry.
I don't think you have space in your heart yet to welcome the new life but I'm sure you will when the time comes.
Don't worry and don't try too hard.

It is very understandable that you still feel very sad without your husband, and in one way, the news of the grandchild reminds you that he is no longer here. You feel how you feel, you cannot force yourself to feel differently, but try not to blame yourself and just accept that you are as you are right now. You dont have to tell your daughter just how you feel and you may find as time goes on ,and the baby is born ,you may feel quite different. Maybe the Grandma thing is also part of both feeling older, or being alone and not part of a couple . In our family we have always been Granny with our name following , never used Grandma or Nana. Again there is no rule, and there is an easy way to be called what you prefer, as you can say when appropriate "Yes, I am going to be a Granny (or whichever word you prefer) so you have put the idea of the word you like out there. I do hope that you feel more comfortable as time goes on and wish you all the best

It sounds as if you are quite numb, still, after the loss of your man, so just go with the flow.

It's not necessary to feel joyful about grandchildren; to some people ok, me it's more of a slow burn kind of love.

I think you are emotionally exhausted and the prospect of worrying about your daughter's pregnancy, her giving birth and a new baby are just overwhelming after your terrible loss and sadness.

If you are mobile, could you join a "bereavement walking" group?
My lovely friend has found that this has given her so much after the death of her husband. No need to talk if you don't want to but fresh air and non judgemental company - and something to look forward to. She has found it the single most helpful thing she has done.

I am a grandparent to 7 grandchildren and love then all - but they call me by my name. Some have their own way of saying it which is very dear - but basically it's my name and they use it, just as my husband does.
They love me and I love them. I call them by their names.
Don't be a "Granny" if you don't want to be.