Empty Nest Syndrome

Its really rewarding to read all the messages and I can relate to so many things mentioned; being on my own now for years, looking after my dear mum who is now in a nursing home and I visit daily. The sadness as I see her sadness and see her gradually changing with dementia and also trying to fight it as well as acknowledge it.Its like a loss in itself and I miss how she was and in my time of need. I too listen to the radio all night for company and have done for a long time now. I have some good friends and made an extra effort to make a new friend today.Before I retired I didnt work locally so didnt meet many local people so am trying to do this now having joined the WI. Found my new friend is very lonely at this time of year especially in the evenings so its not just me again. Having what was my son's attic room decorated this week so I dont associate it with my feelings of loss but new beginnings instead! I did this with the room I designated for my mum when my mum moved from here to a nursing home and it seemed to help me. Sort of erasing the past and the memories...not sure if this would be seen as a healthy move. Finding this site so valuable I really look forward to the responses when I have posted a message.

Yes Tegan! I find the same.

It must be so sad to be 'losing' your mum as well. I agree that this weather doesn't help [I'm begining to suspect that I have a touch of 'sad' syndrome at the moment, bit just have no desire to go outside]. When my marriage broke up I found gardening a great help; there was something very comforting about working with soil and plants. Maybe doing a list of things to achieve; something nice about ticking things off. Much as I want to retire I do wonder if it's something I might regret when I do?

You mean sons disappearing, j?

I think jingle looks forward to responses when she's posted a message.

I look forward to reading her replies.

I can remember empty nest felling suddenly hitting me when last one left home - kept cooking far too much food, feeling wistful, really missing what they looked like when little and cuddles - you can torture yourself with memories and if onlys etc ...... But do you know what after a little while you get used to it. You start doing things for you again - seeing more friends, joining things, making nice little meals -all sorts and you get used to the house being lovely and fresh and tidy .... Then guess what they start coming back again - especially with the grandchildren and you find it quite hard at first to cope with the mess and noise etc - so funny really - so my advice it just enjoy yourself and look to the future too, you never know what's round the corner!

Yes. That's what I meant Tegan.

#minesnotinarelationshipatthemoment

Before DS2 met his now fiance he was at our place every day after work for an evening meal and to collect washing, as soon as it became serious with his girlfriend everything changed and now only see him if they need something special washing (ie.wool jumpers by hand) that only mum can manage to do,they keep in touch by phone about twice a week and will pop in on way to cinema if lucky,my house keeping bill has reduced dramatically.

I speak to my daughter regularly, but I still miss her horribly too. With my son I think it's also a case of worry - he is very forgetful and disorganised, so I worry about him more. Heaven knows I have tried to train him, but he is a real innocent in many ways, my daughter was far more grown-up when she was his age.
I read an article that said that working mothers are just as likely to have ENS. I was surprised. I work part-time and have a large garden and various other activities to take care of, but why am I growing all those vegetables and keeping chickens with only two of us to eat the produce? I suppose part of the problem is also realising how much my life is going to be affected. There is no transport to my son's school from here and I certainly shan't miss the school runs on a dark freezing February morning in the snow. But I shall miss the extra dimension a teenager brings to my life - films that I would never have thought to go and see, music I would never have heard, technology he has introduced me to. I wonder if I am going to start to stagnate a little more quickly once he has gone.

I sympathise with you all feeling sad - me too. Life has moved on to a new stage without us realising it at first, and of course it's only natural and right that they make their own life, but we still miss them. Don't like the house being so quiet, and us having lost that important role as a Mum.

I have 2 sons who I rarely see - one in Australia and one in Forces, generally I don't think boys are so good at keeping in touch, and so I have to make my own life without them, and just be happy when I do hear. No g/c yet.

It hasn't helped that I have lost my dear Dad and a lovely Uncle in the last 2 years, the last of that generation, so even Christmas etc is just not the same, much quieter and more boring. It all takes some coming to terms with. I am in quite an isolated spot with not much going on. I haven't yet retired from my part time job as I think that keeps me sane sometimes!

I have tried to start a local walking group but it fizzled out. The only way is to get involved in new things locally, but so far I'm struggling.

Tegan, my son disappearing is another concern! He is rubbish at contacting me when he is away. He isn't like most teenagers, constantly on facebook or emailing or texting. He can go for weeks without checking. He forgets to charge his phone, too. I'll probably have to go back to good old pen and paper!

My daughter and her family come to stay at Easter, Christmas and August bank holiday. It's hard work but I try to cook everything in advance and freeze it so that I can spend more time just enjoying playing with the babies and talking to them all. Apart from stacking the dishwasher and keeping on top of the washing, no housework is done while they are here. I want my son and daughter to stay in contact with each other, not just with me. I have seen so many siblings drift apart, that too must be hard for parents to bear.

My friend has four daughters, all of whom live nearby and with several young children between them. She feels a bit overwhelmed at times and can't understand why I feel so low. She would like a smaller house so that she can't have so many people to stay at once and doesn't have to host so many family gatherings. She loves them all dearly but I can still remember the shock I was in years ago when my daughter told me that she was going to move to the other end of the country. It's like a freezeframe moment - one of those moments such as seeing the twin towers burning, Diana's death, when everything seems to slow down.

Anyway - I just hope that by getting it all out of my system now onto you lot I will purge myself of it by the time it happens.

Sunflowersuffolk, I am in Suffolk. My son is playing with the idea of going into the forces too. My husband's family are all forces, my husband is trying to dissuade him but my inlaws keep on sending him brochures! You know what it's like round here - you can't escape it.

Hi Jane well none of our family had been in before, so it was all very new. He is in the RN so always very far away - Portsmouth/Plymouth. However after 5 years and a posting to Afghanistan, he has had enough and is leaving. The Forces just aren't the same as previously, morale seems to be quite low I hear. He say he doesn't regret the experiences he's had, but wants to settle in one area now.

I wouldn't recommend it, but of course, you have to let them do what they want to and find out for themselves. Lets hope your son chooses something else eventually, for your sake.

Tegan, my son has been with the GF since they met at 15 - 23 now, she has decided he is the one for her, and we have been over to visit - it was lovely too visiting his first home.

I now have new hobbies, being a trustee of a local charity, working as a volunteer at a local theatre, even doing a bit in the garden, never had the time before at weekends.

I don't seem to fit in quite with the flavour of this thread. I spent a long time with a large family, through the years when it was growing and then the years when it was shrinking. The end came rather suddenly with a divorce and I am now alone. I reinvented myself a year or two ago and went from a shy uncommunicative type (Aspie if you are interested) to a bit of a social butterfly.

Losing my job last December was more of a wrench, but I am now volunteering at a drop-in for lonely and vulnerable people (hey, I'm lonely and vulnerable!) and training as a phone support line responder. We can do something about our own situations.

I didn't have ens when the children left, but when my husband died!

Well done, maryxyx

I must say I have contact with my 2 daughters most days. Communication is now cheap.
I even had a few phone calls when they were on their honeymoon.
My son's in law are the same with their parents.

Frank

I was too busy to have ENS when my sons left but when I was made redundant I felt very 'bereft', though I still had other interests that kept me occupied.

It does seem to affect my friends in a huge variety of different ways. My son is a bit aspi, always very logical, and I suppose I do worry for him even more because even when people like him and want to be friends he doesn't recognise the overtures. It's also what makes him such good company, as we get none of the teenage strops. You have done very well, Mary and I hope he is like you. We just get flashes of social butterfly. I know every mother has fears for their children when they leave home - or most of them - but I have quite a few friends who are really quite pleased when they go so have no sympathy for me at all! One of my sisters even moved house so that her two would have to stay put to keep their jobs!

Mary XYX - Well done. I really admire you. I would be really interested to know how you made such a transformation as I would love to be more confident and less shy.

You might not like the details! I am now enthusiastically active in my church, as Reader, Steward, Singer, Tea lady etc. Also in a number of social groups, including the local Asperger Social group - I always like that oxymoron.

The real kicker and the reason my experience is not likely to be helpful to anyone else here is that before transition I was a severely Asperger man.

It does lead to an interesting life. The church I am now in is quite comfortable with me standing up with the choir in my Sunday best frock and singing bass.

janerowena welcome
Sending your son brochures about the forces. When they are busy making staff cuts. I would be furious if I were you. One of the very few times I lost my temper with my mother what when she was pressuring DS1 to go to university and ordering prospectuses. In the end he went and only lasted a term. Not the role of relatives to play careers guidance. [i still feel a bit angry with my mum emoticon and she has been dead nearly 20 years]
MaryXYZ also welcome and congratulations. Do you mean that you shed your Aspergers when you left behind your male gender?
I think it is hard for those who have focussed on their kids a lot during their middle years. People with an absorbing job may fare a bit better - it is a major distraction after all.
yes boys are lovely but hopeless at keeping in touch (mine are in NZ and Australia)
So my wrench came not when they left home but when the second one emigrated taking the GKds. It does get better with time.
tegan is your house still a shrine to their childhood or have you had a purge?

Well I've had the carpets cleaned. It's a start . The main problem is that they were both very artistic and so I have pictures that they've painted and models they have made all over the place. For some reason I have very few photos of them on display; graduation photos and suchlike. So I suppose it's more a shrine to their creativity of which I'm incredibly proud. And the toys are being played with by the grandchildren, so they serve a purpose. More of a living museum these days, perhaps?

Have had my little GS all day and what a joy he is. Visited my dear mum in nursing home tonight and she picked up on my mood, sadness, lostness and even lonliness and I have been trying so hard not to show it. I think I am suffering from SAD and in the sandwich trap as well , the GC's and the parent who is now needing full time care . I really am struggleing with my feelings of almost depression tonight and although have lots to do just want to go to bed and sleep. I know its not a good sign and I am sitting here so tearful...it cant all be ENS, Its a mixture of losses and bereavements. I lost my sister only 2 years ago and its all very raw still infact I am feeling the loss and the grief worse than it was.
Mary XYX; I should join my local church I am sure I would be welcomed and its so close to where I live. I went when my youngest went off to UNi when I was at a low. He didnt stay away for long , gave up and came home.