Borderline Personality Disorder

Jinglebells I know you are trying to be helpful but my view about DD2s mental health has nothing to do with my partner's wife - only that some of their behaviour patterns are similar from what my partner has described. Sadly it is not just my opinion that there is something wrong with DD2s personality. Her father and sister think so too.

I can give examples of DD2s behaviour here but it isn't relevant. My best friend is a qualified therapist and has suggested previously that BPD is the problem in DD2's case. I haven't wanted to believe her but as time has gone on I am more inclined to do so. It is not just me reading up on the internet and coming up with a diagnosis of my own.

As far as 'a professional who is not emotionally involved to make a proper diagnosis' is concerned petallus I am trying to persuade DD2 to go back to the mental health service locally and have another assessment but that is far easier said than done.

Thanks moomin and Iam64DebnCreme**Grannyknot**janeainsworth
for all the - my room smells like a florist shop this morning lol

I agree wholeheartedly with the above two posts by jinglbellsfrocks.

You would need a professional who is not emotionally involved to make a proper diagnosis.

Who first mentioned BDP in connection with her? Do you genuinely think there is something wrong with her personality.

I assume you copied and pasted that description of BDP from the internet. Not good. You need to be a qualified psychologist/psychiatrist to diagnose something like that.

As she was diagnosed by the mental health team as suffering from anxiety and depression, which is very common (and treatable), I wonder why you are thinking along the lines of Border Personality Disorder at all, which, I would think, is a different thing altogether. Surely not because your partner's wife had it?

Lucy if you are interested, there are some helpful sites on the internet for the parents of young adults with a diagnosis of bpd. Also some good up to date research about contributory causes, treatments etc. Like everything else on the internet, there's some unhelpful stuff as well, lots of mother blaming (there's a surprise). It seems current thinking is that the biggest contributory factor is genetic, having a close relative with bpd. One of the hardest things for mothers with bpd adult children is trying not to have their difficulties dominate your life to the exclusion of ordinary relationships with your other children, partner etc. Look after yourself

Thanks Seasider she was quite a character. And very beautiful.

Grannyknot your mum sounds lovely

I agree lucy she is lucky .

Tricia and Lucy

Lucy she is lucky to have you

lucy my heart goes out to you

DD2 has just emailed me to say what a kind sweet person I am - it's the first time she has ever said anything so nice and I am in tears now :-( Don't feel it and wish I could do more.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and wishes

Lucy - I can understand how worried you must be, having children with any illness is one of the worst things to cope with.
I don't know anything about BPD, but remember reading an article about someone who was diagnosed and eventually got the appropriate treatment.
The father of my children had/has severe bipolar (as it's known now) and one of my sons was also diagnosed the same in his 30s. I was heartbroken, remembering what a mess his Dad had been, but TG he improved with treatment, eventually came off lithium altogether.
The thing about mental/emotional illness is that it's hard to pin down, as far as we know there's no virus, bacteria, repairable bodily damage involved.
All you can do is continue to show that you love her, and try to be positive about the future.
Hoping for better news soon.

lucy isn't it interesting the different ways in which we experience things.

When my mother was in the clinic where she had ECT, her three children were being cared for by my very loving grandparents. She was there for 3 weeks and then she came home.

Anyway, so my experience of that time is getting all dressed up and being taken to visit my mother in the leafy grounds of the clinic (it was near Durban in South Africa where we lived then) and my mum being somewhat subdued but delighted to see us. It never really affected me, but of course later I realised it was dreadful for her, and for my grandparents too. I do remember on one visit that we had to wait whilst she climbed down from a tree, she had decided to go tree climbing in her high heels. I think we were largely protected from it all by my grandparents. The only sign that I can remember that my mum had had ECT, was that she was sometimes forgetful. But she was always full of fun, amusing us by doing handstands with her skirt tucked into her knickers etc. I loved my mum, she was the best.

lucy the term borderline refers to the fact that the disorder falls between personality disorder and mental illness. It doesn't mean that it is only a 'borderline' (ie not genuine) disorder.

I'm glad your daughter is not suicidal. Does she self harm in any way? That is very hard to cope with and as I'm sure you know people who self harm are not necessarily suicidal - rarely so in fact, though they sometimes kill themselves accidentally.

Good luck.

Thanks Iam64 I am not sure why they need to use the term borderline either.

What has frightened me more than anything is that my partner's wife here in France (before she died) suffered severely from this and was told that she'd never get any better. She didn't needless to say as she gave up hope, and he was on suicide watch with her 24/7 before she eventually succeeded.

I know I shouldn't let someone else's situation affect me and DD2 has promised that she doesn't feel suicidal, but I am not sure I really believe her that when she as at her bleakest moments it doesn't cross her mind. Her only saving grace is that she is holding down a job, which she loves, atm, but relationships are disasterville as she is seen as being very 'needy' something guys run away from.

Grannyknot my mother also had ECT - it was dreadful and I think exacerbated her narcissistic behaviour. It certainly didn't improve it. Well done your Mum for surviving as she did.

Thanks for 'listening' everyone.

It seems that self harming is a major factor in BPD. So no, thankfully we don't all have it.

lucy I agree with everything you say. I have posted before that my mother had what was then called "a nervous breakdown" after my father left, when the three of us were little and in the 1950s she was treated with ECT. I now think she must have had mental health problems (anxiety etc) for most of her life, my poor mum. She never showed any signs of suffering from depression, she was always "up". She managed to raise three (relatively speaking!) normal children on her own.

As an aside, I was watching one of those "Escape to the Continent" TV shows the other night and one of the couples looking to buy a place in Spain was a dad and his adult daughter, they had a wonderful relationship. During the course of the programme it became clear that he was gay, his partner had recently died, and his daughter was most caring. Funny old world.

lucyinthesky - your summary of BPD is a good one. Living with a loved one who is bpd is exhausting, all that egg shell treading in order to avoid a volcanic eruption. BPD is serious, the word 'borderline' can be misleading. Being at the borders of a number of personality disorders makes life difficult for the individual, and those who love and want to support them.

I agree that we all have personality stuff - but we don't all have BPD, thankfully. I'm sorry not to come up with a more positive response lucy, but I empathise with the difficulties you are living with

Thanks petallus. I have had counselling but it didn't help my worries over DD2. The only thing that would help is to see her recover from what is causing her such mental pain.

I see her suffering greatly and her behaviour is in no way normal in so far as many of us suffer with anxiety and other feelings of lack of self worth. It is an extreme level.

I do agree that giving her a 'mentally ill' label can let other members of the family 'off the hook' - DD1 says she empathises but is no real support as she has an 18 month old baby, husband and job which all take priority. DD2 yearns for a sister who understands.

However, brushing mental health issues under the carpet helps no-one. The more we are open about such problems the less they will be hidden and there would be no shame in admitting them.

Good idea petallus. I think as mothers we can sometimes tie ourselves in knots trying to understand our children and their problems, and speaking personally, we sometimes feel too much responsibility for these things. Perhaps counselling could help to sort out these feelings.

I do feel for you lucyinthesky. There are similar mh issues in my family, and it's a long hard road

I would add the counselling did help. I began to see things from a different perspective and managed to achieve a bit of distance.

lucyinthesky I read your description of a BPD and it would fit many people though maybe to a less extreme extent.

Many of us fear abandonment/commitment, feel jealous and take things out on our nearest and dearest. We are also inclined to think things aren't our fault.

Really, a close friend or family member cannot diagnose a mental illness in someone.

The other thing is that when one member of a family is labelled as mentally ill it lets everyone else off the hook for family problems.

I'm speaking generally as I don't know enough about your situation to comment.

I am sorry your daughter is suffering and of course you are very worried and trying to help.

If I was in your position, I'd have some counselling myself. I did this some years ago partly to help with problems in a close family relationship.

Thanks Grannyknot

Lucy big hug.