It's back: Morning Depression feeling...and worse

I hope you will be feeling better soon - please do not just drop the tablets after a month as they may need to be tailed off - you need medical advice about this.

I'm a widow of three years, never took tablets prior to my husbands death but feel the need now as sleep is on and off. Been prescribed Mirtazapine as have tinnitus, also since my husband died. Hate taking tablets but feel must persevere, first night 15mg good if odd sleep, second night fell asleep, wide awake at midnight so also took one 10 mg nitrazapram, slept but odd.

I will take the months supply but hate doing it, prior to my husbands death could sleep at the drop of a hat, just hope it improves.

This is an old post so not sure if anyone will respond, newly widowed three years, down, and do get envious of others happy lives. Have recently started internet dating, loneliness is bad, but don't seem to have much joy, watch others around me who have partners and wonder WHY, I'm attractive, funny and great company, been told I'm trying too hard, but want someone in my life.

Off to the docs to see about Mirtazapine, maybe help me get over the next few months. This sounds miserable, but the real me is not, cannot find any JOY in my life, have always been appreciative of things, but lately I really don't give a s***.

Yes, I see you posted just after midnight. I'm hoping things look les bleak this morning (((hugs)))

You saying you're on anti-anxiety medication has reminded me. There was an interesting piece on Woman's Hour a week or two back. It seems anxiety is now being recognised as a separate condition and that a lot of people were being mistreated for depression - which is why the meds didn't work. So here's hoping your new meds help - when they kick in.

Hope you're feeling better now the sun's up. Although all those b***y birdies singing their happy little hearts out probably isn't helping!

Dagnabbit - I spoke too soon All it takes is a change in weekend plans to send me crashing down and now I feel low again.

Awwww Dragonfly1 - that's kind of you.

I am not too bad at the moment - been put on anti-anxiety medication which won't reach a therapeutic dose for several weeks. In the meantime I'm meditating regularly and to practise Mindfulness in everyday life (not very successfully, however!) Unfortunately both my medications have weight gain as a side-effect, which in itself is rather depressing.

Had a lot of anxiety at the start of my holiday (I won't go into details of how it affected me, but it wasn't pleasant) but I coped eventually and am trying to keep busy now I'm home, even if I don't feel that motivated.
Now off to get on with clearing and sorting the terrible detritus in the house!
Hope all is well with you.

Indeed. I panicked slightly when I saw the thread was back up, wondering whether you were ok.

Ah, ok, thank you, "Dragonfly1* ! Blimmin' cheek, eh?

An offer of a loan....

It was spam, Rowan.

Why was "willing121*'s post deleted here and in another thread? Is there anyone I can ask about this? It's bothering me!

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hi, I've just come to this thread and haven't read all the way through so I may be jumping in, both feet in mouth, - Rowan, you said you had to give up your classes and it sounds as if you're looking for something else to fill the gap. Can I suggest volunteering? A girl I used to know had severe anxiety bouts and found that her voluntary work at a local cats home helped her (all those cute kittens). Another lady works out front on the counter in a charity shop. I volunteer at a local NT property. What all these have in common is that while you're there there's no time to think about yourself, everything is directed to the job in hand, be it rehoming a kitten or discussing the merits of Jacobean plasterwork, and your mind/brain gets a complete rest from thinking inwardly. You meet a lot of people but don't need to talk about yourself at all. I found it amazingly liberating.

rowan I'm setting off on my holiday early tommorow. I have managed to keep my anxiety under control today I hope I sleep tonight I hope your feeling better at least better enough to enjoy your holidaysola I really hope things have resolved a little with your son and I hope you keep posting for you. Fingers crossed for some

Rowantree and Kiora thank you so much for your kind messages of comfort. I've emailed my son to try to make the peace, but no reply. I've got an appointment with a [new] psychiatrist at the beginning of June [the present one is moving on], and will certainly try to get an increase in the mirtazapine, and ask about a CPN. Thank you again for you kindness.

Kiora - I can well understand your feelings. I often feel like that too. Sometimes it's really difficult to understand why we feel as we do though. X

sola earlier on in the thread I told of my little spat with my son. It made me feel really terrible. I often have thought along the lines of "I don't deserve this. I was a devoted mother and this is the thanks I get" oh woe is me. It's a part of myself I find difficult to come to terms with. It's the negative part of me. I'm ashamed of it. Part of me thinks I did my job sent them into world so why am I now so possessive. I'm trying really hard to let go and open the door of this part of my life rather than turn into a bitter old women. But I do really understand your feelings. My son came to see me so I was being silly and regret all that wasted energy feeling sorry for myself. I hope you feel better soon

jingle thank you so much for the link - that's most interesting and I will certainly look into that if I decide to go down the private route. I've heard of Professor Gilbert but had no idea that Compassion-based therapy was being trialled (sorry, horrible word, but you know what I mean). And you're quite right: our little GD is amazing and I feel very lucky to have her at all. It's just that, often, I can't see the wood for the trees in this depression haze - and then the fug clears for a while and I feel utterly stupid and foolish - and crass. I keep looking at her fingers and toes and thinking 'Has she really got ALL her fingers and toes?' (DD2 didn't and the painful memory of seeing for the first time her l tiny, malformed right hand with just two fingers and her foot with two toes on it, will always be with me). I can't quite believe DGD is a 'normal', healthy little baby. It's ridiculous therefore that I sabotage my appreciation of her by focusing on things beyond my control, but thinking and feeling become very warped with depression and anxiety at times.
I feel very much for sola and I'm worried about her. I hope she keeps posting. I know that if she does, she won't feel quite so alone. Gransnet has helped me - I am so glad I found it.

You're welcome Rowantree.

sola, I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It doesn't sound as if you are getting any support from your psychiatrist or your son. You've struggled on for a long time alone and bringing up your son by yourself and I'm not surprised you have feelings of bitterness and envy towards those with seemingly stable lives. If you are depressed, that colours your feelings towards those you are closest to, which means that you're more likely to row because you're taking out your painful feelings on whoever you can. Does your son know and understand that you are clinically depressed? If not, it's important that he does. You must feel in anguish now. Would you be able to write to him, when you feel a little calmer, and explain how bad you are feeling?
Then there's your psychiatrist. You don't say how long you've been seeing him/her, whether you've been referred for any therapy or whether you've been an in-patient. It's not acceptable that you've been fobbed off with an ineffective dose of mirtazapine. What are his reasons for not increasing it? It's possible to go to 45mg daily which is what I was on (and am heading back there again because coming down from it was a bad mistake).
My psychiatrist pointed out to me that he wasn't a therapist but he could refer on and prescribe. He has his limitations but he listens and he treats me like an equal human being. You deserve no less. You also need a CPN if anyone does - do you have one?
If I were you I'd make another appointment with him and make it clear that you are not seeing any benefit on this drug at this level. You have the right to a proper care plan and to discuss your treatment. If that isn't happening, it might be time to ask your GP to refer you to someone else- you are entitled to a second opinion in other medical departments so I am assuming the same thing applies to mental health too.
It's not a lot of comfort to you, but I send you a big hug over the airwaves. Please keep posting. There are many gransnetters who are compassionate, caring and thoughtful, and I have found comfort in their wisdom and kindness. I hope you find the same.

I like this article (it could be the one mentioned in this thread)

Rowantree just try to concentrate on lavishing loads of love on the little grandaughter you have. If I were you, tbh, I would look upon her as a happy outcome after all the things you have had going on in your family.

sola

This is the first time I've posted anywhere. I've been severely depressed for over a year and wake up every morning wishing I hadn't. I'm on mirtazapine 30mg which my psychiatrist refuses to increase. I certainly relate to feelings of envy and bitterness, feelings I have towards pretty much everyone including everyone with a partner, which I haven't had for a very, very long time - and yes, those feelings make me hate myself. I brought my son up as a single parent and he and my 2 grandchildren now live abroad. I had a row with him on the phone today, and feel totally alone.

Rowan