Preparation for dying

Interesting topic grannyactivist. I particularly identified with the doctor who wrote about the way many doctors prefer to die, ie without medical interventions. I am fortunate that both my parents died in our local hospice, made comfortable, fed good food if they wanted it and in private rooms with a lovely garden view. I feel that is the end I would want for myself if it came to it. All the operations, chemo, radiotherapy only seem to prolong life at the expense of its quality.
Incidentally Power of Attorney is easy to do as a DIY job. There are online forms which guide you through very simply. I did one for myself and then it offered me the choice of using the same details of attorney etc to create one for DH.

When my MiL had a minor stroke several months ago the Doctor rang me and said that, had she been younger, he would have sent her to hospital for full medical intervention. As she was 85 and in poor health he felt she would be happier remaining in the nursing home. I knew she wouldn't want yet another stay in hospital and the doctor said he was stopping a lot of her medication as he felt it was unnecessary. I then discussed it with a senior nurse at the home and we agreed that she would not go to hospital again unless it was for a condition that could actually be cured. About six months later she started to deteriorate, we all visited her and the nurses were always around doing things for her. The last time I saw her she didn't know I was there, but seemed quite comfortable and she died peacefully the next day. Nothing would have been gained by moving her to hospital and she would have hated it.

Many people think that talking about death is morbid, but I think it can save a whole lot of heartache if people plan for it and share their wishes with their nearest and dearest.
Thanks for the DIY Power of Attorney information purpledaff - I've just had a quick look at the forms and they seem relatively straightforward. I've already started to fill in a form for myself. The cost of registration is a bit steep (£120 per form = £480 for a couple doing both LPA's) and heaven only knows what a solicitor would charge to do the job on top of the registration fees, but my husband and I have decided to do ours now (I'm 60, he's 50) while we have it on our minds.

It is very hard because no-one has a crystal ball. A friend of mine has been kept happily alive for about 8 years on regular chemotherapy. She has a good quality of life. No-one knew at the start what her response might be or how effective it might be - she took the chance and has not regretted it.

But I have huge sympathy with your neighbour ga as we have all seen situations where the treatment has looked as though it was worse than just gently going with nature. I admire her courage; and yours for having the necessary conversation with your in-laws.

I am glad that your MIL had such excellent, and clearly appropriate, care Deeda.

We did P of A several years ago - and did it ourselves. One important thing is that the forms are signed and counter-signed in the correct date order or the forms will be rejected. I drew a flow diagram! My father had a P 0f A and I cannot begin to tell you what a difference this made to us children when we were faced with issues about his care and his finances. He had also opened a joint account with my brother with about £10,000 of his money, and this was so useful when there were bills to pay and funerals to pay for, as my brother could just write a cheque without any hassle. I will seriously think about doing this with my children.

It has always puzzled me why people will plan for education, plan for a wedding, plan for children, plan for a career - even plan for a holiday but don't plan for their death but, instead, leave that to the bereaved.

I instructed my advocate a long time ago about my wishes, what I would and would not find acceptable (regarding medical treatment/intervention) and I have left the firm of advocates to oversee all of that. Of course they will discuss things with my family but the advocates will deal directly with medical staff - I don't want my children or granddchildren to have to deal with that kind of thing at a time when they had better feel saddened! My family are fine with this by the way.

Another thing to be wary of is doctors making a decision not to rescusitate: The fair innings argument (FIA) is frequently put forward as a justification for denying elderly patients treatment when they are in competition with younger patients and resources are scarce.

www.biomedcentral.com/1472-6939/1/1

My advocates have also been instructed to be on the lookout for this too and I believe they would be in a better position, mentally, than my family to challenge it should it seem that a FIA decision is being applied.

Yes you can DIY Lasting Power of Attorney (both Health and Financial) Purple but don't forget they need to be registered with the Office of the Public Guardian and that will incur a cost.

On my LPAs I have made it quite clear what my wishes are, but I have given powers of attorney to my children and they are quite happy with that.

My husband had both, and did not use a solicitor. Both power of attorney and advance directive were accepted by everyone involved.
The power of attorney took nearly a year to get organised because the people involved lived in different parts of the country.
He knew he was ill, and did not want any medical intervention like feeding tubes, etc. As it turned out he died of something different, but he was allowed to tell people what he wanted because he had signed an advance directive. It was useful because not only had he written every eventuality down, but he had talked it through with our sons. In the last month we quite often read it through to make sure we were doing what he wanted.
It sounds very cold written down, but it wasn't at all. Not only do you have the reassurance of what's on the paper, but the medical profession can reassure you as well.

Thank you for the link Holly.
I hadn't come across the fair innings argument expressed quite so explicitly before and would hope that decisions about whether to proceed with treatment which might be gruelling in the short term could be taken with regard to quality of life, rather than simply a person's longevity.
As regards the question of over treatment described in GA's first link, surely it is only over-treatment if the patient doesn't want it, and the consensus of medical opinion would be that the quality of the extended life is poor.
Sometimes miracles do happen. A friend of ours was very ill for two years with an aggressive form of leukaemia. He was close to death many times, and was told a bone marrow transplant was not an option because it had never been done in someone of his age (70). He and his wife pushed and pushed and eventually he had one. His problems didn't end there and he was very ill for months afterwards. But now he's walking unaided, gaining weight and enjoying life.
Hope and faith are very powerful emotions and it seems wrong to me that these should be denied, when they exist in a person.

You are right Aka. The forms do need to be signed in the right order and registered. It is a long winded procedure, but understandably the process has to be robust. A flow diagram is a good idea Mishap, I did something similar myself. Hopefully they will not be needed for years, but good to have them in place. Good idea re the joint bank account too.
Another bit of forward planning is the prepaid funeral. Both my parents organised this and it was much easier to know what they wanted, rather than make decisions at the worst possible time.

There is a cost to register the documents, but there is also a fairly generous system of discounts for low income. We got this, even though we have savings (which they did not seem to take into account) and it made the cost considerably less.

We redid our wills last year, after moving down here, and set in place a Power of Attorney to be ready to be registered when needed. It has to be done, for everyone's peace of mind.

And to be able to answer confidently the questions about resuscitation etc is vital; my mother died with us, in peace and comfort and I knew exactly what she wanted. That included her detailed instructions about a no fuss funeral.

Please don't forget there are two types of LPAs; one for your finances but an equally important one for your Health and Welfare. They are both quite separate and you should have both in place IMO.

Yes, that's right, Aka! Both equally important.

I have a life limiting disease - bulbar onset motor neurone disease. I don't know how long I have got, average is about 16 months, but I know I have to take the commonsense approach and leave everything sorted out for my family. I worship them and they me and it will be bad enough for them without having to worry about what to do and what to look for. A long time ago, I wrote out 3 pages of A4 paper with details of my assets, and my wishes for everything when I die. All the insurance papers are clearly attached, all the bank account details, all the contact details for cancellation of direct debits and standing orders, all the telephone numbers to ring this one and that one, a list of people to notify, where I want my funeral, details of my church service etc. It might sound macabre but it is the only way I can deal with it all. I can sort it all out in my head but I find it very emotional to speak about it with my husband and children so this is the easiest way for me.

willsandco that is admirable and very considerate. We should all do that and leave such a document with a copy of our will.
Just had a thought - passwords - in this digital age - and instructions what do do re things like Facebook. There is currently a woman in dispute with Facbook about her daughter's page, which she would like shut down. (sorry I have not read whole thread - but I will soon)

willsandco I'm not sure from what you've written whether your 3 pages of A4 paper actually constitutes your will, or whether there is a separate document altogether. Just in case it's the former do you know that you must state that you are over the age of 18 and have the mental capacity to make a will? Any will also needs to be dated and witnessed correctly and it must state that it replaces all previous versions (and if there are any, these should be destroyed). (I'm sure you know all this, but I'm a belt and braces sort of person.)
Your preparations don't sound in the least bit macabre to me; rather they're the loving actions of a thoughtful woman trying to ease a difficult situation for her family. It would save very many fraught situations if everyone took a similar approach.

I have no health problems, but did the POAs several years ago. Like Willsandco, I have a sheet with my files giving all account details, addresses, pension numbers, funeral wishes etc. I have even given instructions for the cats' care and rehoming.
I have to confess to another 'think ahead' action. I have a bag packed for any hospital admission and have put an explanatory note on top of my undies in the top drawer, knowing that is where DDs would start to pack one.
I just wish I was able to clear my loft, but with my 'might come in useful' mentality, that is a step too far!

Yes, Grannyactivist, my will and power of attorney is also there - forgot about those! My daughter has had power of attorney for years and now of course I have a new husband and he has authority for everything as well Everything is in order and everyone knows about it. I have just got to persuade new DH to do the same for all his stuff (and he is a terrible hoarder so that will be a lengthy exercise!) I know, from losing parents, aunts and uncle and my lovely first husband, how bad it is for everyone when someone dies - I just want them to open the file and go along with it all!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

willsandco, brave lady, my very best to you and I do hope that I could do similar if it was ever needed.

Dear *Willsandco, many , many (((HUGS))) to you and not forgetting new darling Hubby of course!

How is married life suiting ?

X

durhamjen, a touching story

I am lucky to live in a country where we have much more choice too- and have been a member of Exit ever since we moved here. I am in good health, but should I be unlucky, it is hugely reassuring that the choice will be mine, and legally.

Nonu, married life is wonderful - much recommended but he is an exceptionally lovely fellow! We are very happy, busy visiting family around the country and generally having a super time x

WILLS

Very much good Karma to you & Mr Wills .

xxxxx