Depression 2

Keep going Mishap you are doing well.

I have had a few 'down days'. I suppose two big op's in six months must have some effect. Also having so much pain with my knees over the last few years and having two smaller op's on my toe a year ago.
Tomorrow morning I have to go to the eye clinic as I have another bout of iritis, the 4th time in a year.

Sorry to moan but sometimes it helps.

Ginny - do not apologise for "moaning" - I have done more than my share. Pain and surgery drag people down. I hope that your appointment tomorrow goes well.

Last night was bad; and I am less than good this morning; but in an attempt to fight this thing I have driven the car for the first time (somewhat painful and not very far - about a mile or so) and walked a short way down our steep hill and back.

Knackered now, but at least I have something to put on my achievement record and can feel that I have not let it beat me.

I still wish it would go away though.

That is a great achievement, Mishap ! Well done, now give yourself some kind of reward, even if it's something small like a biscuit with your coffee, reading a few pages of a book etc.

Thanks phoenix. I am about to have a short lie down with a book and a hottie.

Well done Mishap, I would count that as a huge achievement! To decide to do something which would be good for you and to have the determination to carry it through is brilliant!

That's really good Mishap! It's bound to exhaust you at first until you build up your stamina, but a great start, well done!
Took me weeks to even get around our estate so do know how it feels, but done regularly it should get steadily easier.
x

Well done Mishap - slowly but surely!

Well done Mishap That's determination.

When I see your first post was on 16 December, you've made really good progress in just over 3 weeks! & to celebrate me thinks! x

Fantastic achievement! Both! No wonder you're knackered!

Out of curiosity - if you did move to the end of DDs garden, would it be flatter? Walking on steep slopes is a bugger.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement.

Yes - NfkDumpling - my DD lives somewhere flat! We are shelving that decision at the moment, because I do not feel it is a good idea to make such important life-changing decisions while I am not 100%. Their kind offer is on the table, and we will return to it when I am well and do some proper researches. They have a lovely paddock and we could be next door but not in their faces. A lot to think about. My son-in-law is a dear and would welcome us too.

I'm glad it's not been shelved. It will take a lot of thinking through and you're right not to rush into anything when you've so much else on your plate. Plenty of time. It'll be good to have something to mull over when you are feeling more chipper. House designs, construction, etc are all absorbing I find - it's what I do when I can't sleep!

OK - here I am griping again, and feeling so guilty as poor Daisy has lost her DD and truly has something to cry about - but this afternoon I have gone back down to rock bottom - it just drops on me from nowhere and for no apparent reason. I have a few days when I seem to be improving and then - wham - here it is again. I cannot stop crying and feel as though life has no point and I wish it was over. I have no idea how my poor OH is coping with this - it is truly grim. I also have ghastly migrainous symptoms that go with it - nausea, giddiness, pain etc.

Is there anyone else out there who has had depression and can tell me that these setbacks do eventually go away? It feels so cruel - the carrot of recovery is dangled in from of me and then snatched away.

I was assessed for CBT counselling yesterday and was not at all bad - so I am sure they got the impression that I was fine - I know the CPN did on Monday and I am not seeing her for 3 weeks because she thought I was doing so well. These fluctuations are so problematical for us all. I cannot wait for some light at the end of all this - it seems to be a long time coming.

front

Certainly I can relate to this Mishap, particularly if I 'over did' things sometimes or if triggered by something sad.
I see my recovery from depression as a series of loops, some much bigger than others, that chuck you backwards every now and again but hopefully the progress is going forwards. Bit like those adventure playground rides that loop the loop?
The loops for me are definitely much smaller than they were and get triggered by being tired or get stressed.

Optimistically hoping this is just a blip, unpleasant as it is for you ((hugs)) x

Thanks loopy - is that the source of your name? I am slightly better now - I went and played the piano (or tried to) for a while and it focused my brain a bit. I can only hope for better tomorrow.

The irony of this dreadful illness is that in order to fight it and keep determined to get better requires strength and I really have so little of that at the moment.

Partly Mishap but also because life, let alone depression, seems to chuck you backwards at times, often when you least expect it
It's normal to feel as if not having any strength to fight, and fighting it is often the wrong word to use because you can end up beating yourself up when there's a blip.
I see it more as a determination to move forward, and you really are making strides Mishap, it's just that any blips are dispiriting big time.
I do hope things will seem a bit better tomorrow ((hugs)) x

Oh dear, I do hope you are making steps forward, Mishap and not too may backwards again.

I have felt like this a couple of times over the years and both times seemed to be linked to a new medication. I think sometimes they can upset the chemical balance.

It is rather worrying that sometimes GPs don't check the contra-indications when prescribing a medicine that may not interact well with what you are taking already. I hope you can get an appointment with your own GP asap.

and one step at a time

too many! typo

Fingers crossed tomorrow is a better day.

Just logged in and haven't had time to read everything in detail. Mishap I have struggled with anxiety, depression and intrusive, horrible thoughts for decades, on and off. Until very recently I couldn't see any hope that I could ever feel any better. I had tried CBT, a year's psychotherapy, medication of different kinds, and even a dreadful 9 months' outpatient intensive Mentalisation-Based therapy at my local psychiatric hospital, which made me feel worse. I have tried Mindfulness and mindfulness meditation, which helped a little but i've 'fallen off' that particular wagon at the moment.
I know what it feels like to be in that dark hole, deeply envious of others' happiness, believing oneself to be a failure at life, walking through treacle and unable to enjoy any of the good things around me.

I see a psychiatrist regularly and he offered me a different drug for anxiety, which seemed to help even at the lowest dose. It took a couple of weeks to get used to side-effects but it was worth it not to wake up feeling anxious and sick every day. I stopped taking an antidepressant which wasn't helping but making me put on more weight, and was offered another, which is also helping - against all the odds. For the first time in years, I have some energy. I wake up feeling.....normal. I enjoy little things again. I'm not deliriously happy and still get my mood swings and have thoughts I am ashamed of having about other people. But they don't dominate as much. They don't obsess me. I don't cry all the time any more. There is plenty of room for improvement still, but I never thought I'd ever feel like this again.
So I would say to you - yes, there IS light there, Mishap, even when it looks darkest. The blue sky is still there, even if the stormclouds obscure it now. Keep going; there is always hope. You can and you will feel better than you do now.
I don't know whether you are seeing a psychiatrist but if not I would strongly recommend asking your GP for a referral on the grounds that your depression is tenacious and needs a more definite diagnosis and treatment plan. CBT might well help, but I would still insist on a referral because it will take some time and waiting is always agnonising when you are suffering like this.

I hope today is better for you, mishap

A very inspiring post Rowantree. I am so pleased to read you have made so much progress. I wish you continued good health

Very helpful post Rowantree. I remember your earlier posts. I am glad you are improving.

Thank you rowantree - I am so pleased that you have found the right treatment for you and that you are feeling better now. I am grateful for your thoughtfulness.

I am still on a roller-coaster, having good days and then very low days, but I am seeking all the help I can and throwing all that I have at it and hope that eventually the light will again dawn. It is so very trying as it curtails many of the enjoyable things in life - but, I always get up and get going even if I feel bad - I think that is very important.

Two friends have been round this morning to help me pin out a quilt and I struggled through it energy-wise - but I did it and appreciate their kindness. Lunch and a snooze now I think.