Agoraphobia.

I do usually boil the eggs myself - but occasionally buy the ready cooked ones.

Anyone know of a chocolate yogurt? Years ago there was a delicious yogurt - called choc top yogurt.

No. I'm wrong The Happy Egg people supply them.

Their eggs are a bit small though.

Falconbird they could be imported eggs. Why don't you get free range Uk ones and boil them yourself?

Morrison's sell hard boiled eggs without shells two for a pound. My little GD loves them and I put them in an egg cup for her.

Certainly can't be bothered to make blancmange these days and can't find a chocolate yogurt anywhere.

(Not 'do you really buy them', rather 'do they really sell those?')

Ready boiled eggs? Really?

Have not had blancmange in years! Used to have so often. It's all yogurt now.

Love chocolate far too much. Always got lots in the cupboard. also always got eggs - even buy ready boiled eggs at the supermarket. My comfort foods I guess.

Maybe we could start a comfort food thread?

Egg on toast followed by chocolate blancmange - yum.

Jolly well done Falconbird, that's a really big step forward and something to hang on to, even when things seem not so good! I slightly panic if I leave my phone behind but remind myself that someone will have I can use if something happens (and so far nothing has happened!) x

Oh goodness - I hate egg and chocolate! Still whatever turns you on - you definitely deserved it.

Thanks Anniebach and Mishap - but it's all thanks to you and Gransnet. Friends have been kind but they don't really understand because none have suffered from the aggie.

I treated myself to a delcious egg sand sandwich at the supermarket and a choc caramel bar.

Pat on the back there I think Falconbird!

Great Falconbird People are kind we needn't fear sharing with others , as for not returning for you mobile , that was something millions couldn't do and they are not taking in the bully . Hope you treated yourself to something and hold onto how good you feel about yesterday x

I went to a supermarket yesterday which is a 15 minute bus ride away. When I got to the bus stop I realised I'd forgotten my mobile phone. This would normally be a reason to turn back - but I carried on. All the usual fears hit me in the supermarket but I wouldn't let them bully me and I managed to buy what I needed and carried on.

I was shaky at the checkout so I told the cashier that I hadn't been to this supermarket since my DH passed away. She was very kind and it broke the spell of aggie just sharing with her. At the bus stop going and coming back I made a point of talking to people and that really helped, just chit chat about the weather, buses etc.,

Falconbird, one if the most difficult things about recovery from aggie is not being sure just what is an off day, if you didn't have the problem and didn't feel like going out that would be it - don't feel like going out today, but with aggie there is the battle , do I not want to go out because I may ? Or simply because I don't need or want to . It is a stinker isn't it? Be proud when you have won a battle with the bully, do not dwell on times when the bully seems to have had the upper hand . Tomorrow you may feel even stronger x

You are a total star Anniebach.

Your post helped me so much. I feel very strong today but I know maybe tomorrow I won't but that's all part of the process. agoraphobia is a bully that's for sure. My brain makes up all sorts of excuses for not going somewhere.

Thanks for reminding me about "the little girl within." I gave up looking for support from my parents when I was about 6 and learnt to cope with all sorts of problems by myself.

As I mentioned to Grannyknot I can see some of me in my grand daughters and that's so wonderful.

I think you are Welsh and my very best friend was Welsh. I know that bach means friend.

Falconbird, the reason for my long winded post was an attempt to explain that when changes are forced upon us we do get through and come out the other side perhaps battered and bruised but we survive, we have to learn to adapt. Possibly agoraphobia is our way of protecting ourselves , it's a bully though . You will get through this, you have that little girl within , seems she was a strong child having to support her parents when it should have been the other way around . When things are bad I mutter - at times through gritted teeth - this too will pass . Take care x

Wise word Grannyknot.

I have 3 grown up sons and they are all so like their dad in appearance and personality. I could never see much of me in them.

I now have 2 grand daughters!!

I can see glimpses of me in them. The same sense of humor, same interests, same calmness in the littlest one.

They are such a delight and a lovely legacy. My eldest grand daughter even has my name as a third name and that always makes me want to cry because it will go down through time.

I recognise myself in them and feel I can add to their lives.

I'm looking forward to finding myself again after nearly 50 years of being with DH.

falcon I have a theory that we all return to the person we always were or was always going to be, as we get older. Husband or no husband (or partner or wife). I know that I am more my own person now at 65 than ever before, and I recognise her. And I welcome that woman. Can't say my husband always feels the same way

So you'll find yourself I'm sure.

Bless you all

and annie - what a terrifying ordeal you went through and you survived. I remember Aberfan too well and I remember my dad sobbing as the news came through on the radio.

I am SO glad you are safe now. I was in a rented house on my own for two weeks recently and that was scary enough. I sincerely hope you stay safe from now on.

Thanks so much for the reminder that I was a tough little kid. I have pondered upon that myself.

Your story has given me enormous strength.

My doc gave me valium as a stop gap and now I'm trying to get off it. I think part of my prob is that I met DH when I was 18 and a counsellor said I was having trouble working out who I am without him.

I think that's true and thanks to all your helpful replies - well I could have fun trying to work out who I am couldn't I - better late than never

I had agoraphobia a few years ago following a spell of of severe stress. I found it an ordeal even to go to our garage or garden shed and certainly for some time could go no further than that. So you are doing extremely well to achieve what you have and I urge you to continue to do so. Like Bikergran my feelings about the house were ambivalent. It was both a sanctuary and a prison.
I came through it and so will you I am sure. It's just so difficult to live with at the time and friends as well as family need to be understanding and sympathetic when you find it impossible to accept invitations etc.
Good luck. We are all rooting for you.

Wow annie I just read your post. You are amazing, and you are so right about Valium being one of the biggest mistakes of the past century.

I take my hat off to you. Being called a survivor is almost over-used these days, but you sure do deserve being called that. Respect.

falcon no, I don't. This is going to sound a bit weird, but once I knew what they were, and that I was "catastrophising", I got over them faster. But I am not unsympathetic and remember well how awful they were. Thinking back now, I sort of got bored of it all and thought sod it, this is no way to live so I'm giving up on having panic attacks. And I thought whatever life can throw at me, bring it on. They got milder and then stopped.

I thank God for my sense of humour every day. What a blessing!

Falconbird, I started panic attacks in 1967, the time of Librium, Valium etc were the miracle cure. My husband was killed in a car crash 1976, our daughters five and seven, anti depressants were prescribed , had to find housing , we were in police housing. Girls hit their teens lol, parents ill so I became carer- my sisters said it was easier for me because I didn't have a husband to consider! Daughters married parents died, I could put me first but agoraphobia hit , I refused to go back in the medication route , I had twelve appointments with mental health team , did not recover from aggie, I then saw a psychologist privately, he went past loss of parents, husband , home, I couldn't work so lost my home again. I was born and brought up in a village called Aberfan, 1966 I was living twenty miles away with parents and went home to Aberfan weekends, the day of the disaster it took me five hours to drive home, I didn't know if my home and aunt and uncle who had brought me up were still there , suppose the only word is terror, got to the village and my home was still there , I cannot put into words how I felt when I saw the house , I was born in that house , went to that school, Aberfan was all that was safe , all that was love , all that was secure, yet children died , homes lost, in minutes my childhood and teenage memories were lost and thirty years later it was explained that for me there was no place of safety reinforced by my husbands death and the loss of two homes. I also had to live in a private let for nine years waiting to be of age for the council to grant me housing , this was grim, never knowing if the house would be sold . Six years ago I was able to move into a council property, safe at last, elder daughter became an alcoholic , aggie struck again.

I say all this dear Falconbird because I now know the strength to recover is within me, not in a house, not in people but me, what got me through was me , this is the same for you, you are grieving , you have lost your safety net, I promise you , you can recover , you got yourself through your childhood didn't you? that tough little child is still there , we cannot change the past but we must hold into the fact that we got ourselves through it.

A nosebleed in a shop will not flood the shop, it no doubt has happened to many, they always stop. I know only too well your fears , I have experienced them . I will also say in my opinion Valium is one of the biggest mistakes the medical world has made, they mask fears but when the effect wears off you are coping without the mask and with the physical problems the wretched things leave you with . I have talked too much, if you wish please contact me, I can listen and understand , but you will overcome this, you just need to make some changes because your life as changed x

There is an element of panic in my depression just now.

I have had a few nasty experiences over the last few years: sudden giddy spell that had me collapsed on the floor, bad fall (that led to serious foot fractures) at the edge of a very fast-flowing river when I was at risk of getting washed away (and I fainted to the sound of my OH saying I had not pulse!), nursing my DD through a serious illness during a pregnancy, sudden heart arrhythmia that saw me carted off pdq to A&E, hip surgery....etc.

The fear that assails me is that I will fall - I relive the fall from the boat over and over again and it will hit me and make me gasp when I am just pottering about indoors. This fear is compounded by the fact that my mobility and balance are genuinely poor.

I think that many of us have these internal fears that pop up to plague us at times. I am going to try the CBT; and am contemplating the Rewind Technique - there is a practitioner in the next town - it is said to be quite speedy. I will wait and see.

I am glad that you find it helpful to come onto Gransnet and hope that things will gradually improve for you. Glad you feel able to gradually reduce the diazepam - well done.