cancer

Good news indeed!

I know you are al wishing me well but I cant stop crying. I know the evil disease is just waiting round the corner to come back and more everyday things are upsetting me too.

I have just shouted at my elderly mother as she is getting onmy nerves, she just wont listen to me or sometimes is deaf, I don't know if she is or not. She does my cat tray and then only washes her hands when I tell her, she refuses to use gloves and wont use the sanitizing gel afterwards.

I asked her to lend me some brillo pads to do my eggy pan and she scorned me saying it just takes elbow grease. shewatered the garden and had the hose on a hard narrow jet on the lawn, I told her to make it more gentle like a sprinkler and showed her so to spite me she then did everything with a fine mist, taking hours. the neighbours would have heard my angry remarks. she took washing out of the dryer and put it on the line to save money and it rained, I had to dry it in the dryer.
she uses any towel in the bathroom for her hands if she remembers to wash them, whereby I have a system, really dirty jobs use the old towel, then re wash hands and use the soft towel. she pulls a huge bath towel to dry her hands. she puts things in the wrong place and I have to live with this. it feels like forever, I cant get any help unless I pay and I get SSP so I cant afford it.
I just want my life back to look after myself again, Oh my god the cat has vomited all over the floor so I will have to ask her to come back or leave the vomit all night and it stinks. what ever can I do

Oh dear ethel you're really struggling aren't you?
I'm so sorry things are stressing you so much I wish I could help more than just posting words on here.

It's quite possible your cancer won't come back, and I fervently hope that the scans are clear. In many ways you are suffering from post traumatic stress which is hardly surprising after everything you've been through.

Your mum is doing her best (mine would possibly irritate me too under similar circumstances), DH would too) but clearly it's adding to the pressure on you.

Would you contact Age UK or the RedCross to see what support they could offer? I know finances are very tight for you but you may well be entitled to benefits even if you are still in employment.

((Hugs)) and seem very inadequate but I hope things improve quickly for you x

Sprinkle something on the vomit?

Glad your news is good so far.

When you are feeling down, everything can seem big, and get on top of you. You are doing well though

This might make you smile.

I cant quite remember the details. It might have been that my husband was away for the night, and for some medical bending down reason, I wasnt able to clear up some sick on some lino, so it had to be left until next morning, when he was back.
I put something on the vomit, like talcum powder. That wasnt fully effective. So then I sprinkled something else on top, such as washing powder. I cant quite remember. But I ended up with a right old mixture of smells by the time I had finished!

thank you loopylou, if I asked for help now, my mother would be terrible offended. I cant stand arguing with her.

I am actually wishing I had a partner who would at least cut the lawn and lift things for me, but I know heart of hearts I would only tolerate this until I am ok and I will be independent again.

I cant stand people putting things in the wrong place or doing things that's not my way. I keep shouting 'why have you moved that' or 'will you wash your hands please'. My mother makes me feel inadequate and that its me who is doing things wrong. she recently had cold and used a paper hankie repeatedly, it lay on the dinner table and went onto the sofa with her,, I asked her to renew it each time she used it and wash her hands and she refused, said what was the point. I tried to tell her that it was just hygiene and that even toddlers are taught to wash their hands and bin the hankies after a sneeze, she just shook her head as if I was mad. Now it is her habit to just say 'I haven't died yet' when I query
her hand washing. I am scared that I get an infection, I am scared of everything.

Also I have had DD and DGD to stay for 2 nights and now they are home and I miss them so much, I wasn't anxious when they were with me and felt much better.

they said 6 weeks recovery time and its just 3 weeks, I can tface another 3 weeks before I get out and about again. doesn't anyone else go through this after an op.

You're lucky to have your mum to help you, ethel, and to have a DD and GDG to stay with you even if it was only for a couple of days!

People get over ops far more serious than yours without complaining so much - honestly, you are going on a bit!

Living with someone else (when you are used to your own space and ways of doing things) can be stressful at the best of times and you can get on each others' nerves - when you are convalescing and trying to regain strength, there are behaviours that will feel like the last straw.

This too will pass, as they say - you need help just now, and, frustrating though it is, you will probably have to grin and bear it - you will be well enough soon to do your own thing and get your life back. And you will look back on this period in your life from a much better place, which is just round the corner.

I remember once having visitors to stay whose hygiene standards were quite appalling - and they were both doctors! Their child dropped its bottle on a dog poo while we were out on a walk and they just wiped it on their sleeve and gave it back to him!!!!! We scrubbed the place after they left! I do sympathise. Take a deep breath - soon you will be back in charge of your own life.

You must stop getting so stressed about everything ethel you will just slow down your recovery. Your results so far sound really good and hopefully your scan won't show up any horrors.

Have you tried speaking to Macmillan? I'm sure they would have people who can help you, they are dealing with people in your position all the time.

If you are having to rely on your mother's help you will just have to let her do it her way. Try not to stress about her putting things in the wrong place, it won't be forever. Keep yourself separate towels and an antiseptic gel where she can't get at them. Don't get too hung up on hygiene, DH has been on chemo for 5 years on and off and in spite of our 4 cats, toddler grandsons and my somewhat sketchy approach to hygiene has only had a couple of minor infections.

Yes, we all go stir crazy confined to the house after an operation. I hated it after my knee replacements because it was some weeks before I could drive and I felt quite trapped. But it won't last long in the big scheme of things. Things nay be horrible now, but how much worse if you hadn't been diagnosed and treated.

Have you noticed, ethel, that everything that has put you into a panic about this cancer business has always turned out fine?

At each stage you have been convinced that are facing disaster, that they are being unreasonable to not give you an immediate appointment, then that they are unreasonable to offer you a new appointment at short notice, that McMillan nurses are going to arrive ininvited in droves and poke around your house sneering, that your colonoscopy will be agony, that "they" are keeping bad news from you, that your operation will be hell, that the ward nurses will be uncaring and leave you in pain.

Every time your fears have been unfounded. Now you know yourself - you are a worryer and a perfectionist. So calm down! If you are worried about anything phone the contact number that you were given and then believe what you are told. You are doing very well and everything at this stage is good. Your main need at the moment is to ignore the housework and concentrate on recovering. Put all your energies into that - into making yourself relax and stop getting agitated about things that don't matter.

Don't watch what your mother does. If she gets up your nose, say you are feeling a bit tired and are going for a sleep. Let her get on with it. As long as you have food and clean clothes the rest doesn't matter. Once you are well you can spring clean if you think it is needed.

Hello Ethel,

My son had the same diagnosis - all the malignant cancer had been removed. He had to have more chemo and radiation therapy is make sure every bit was removed and now he is in remission, back at work and looking well and happy.

Regarding your lawn, that would drive me up the wall as well but have you heard of Care and Repair? It's part of Help the Aged and they can come and mow your lawn, replace light bulbs, do minor repairs etc., Don't know if they have this service in your area but it's worth looking into it.

Anxiety is a normal part of feeling ill, it would be strange if you didn't feel anxious. Hold on and everything will be OK and under control in no time.

I can understand how your emotions are like a roller coaster at present and wonder whether whatever medication you are on might be adding to or even causing your stress levels.
However, you should not even think about things like grass cutting or hoovering nor indeed whether your mother will be offended if you get in some help. So try Age UK for advice and assistance.
Basic hygiene on your part will be sufficient to protect you from infection - people have survived in far far worse conditions. You are one of nature's worriers (!) but for your own sake try to to let it become an obsession.
on the results !

I agree with Ana you are so fortunate to have any family to help you at all. After my knee replacement I was relying on friends and neighbours to help me as I do not have any family.

I have said it before and I will repeat myself, get a grip on yourself. You are not doing yourself any good carrying on like this. You have a problem, it is being siorted, you have to get better and that takes time and a lot of rest.

I am beginning to feel sorry for your poor mother!

I suggest that you appreciate your mother while you still have her. There have been times when I'd have given the earth to have mine around, no matter how much she annoyed me - and she did! I must confess that I have a degree of sympathy for her. She's trying to be helpful and you have shunned all help from such people as McMillan who might have been able to point you in the right direction to get some domestic support.

I sincerely wish you better ethel but I'm seeing your last post from your mother's point of view. My daughter is chronically ill, registered disabled and relies on family for help most of the time.
When she's ill or exhausted and stuck in bed for days on end we step in.
Can you imagine how hurtful it is when you spend hours not only looking after the children but also mucking in with the housework, only to be met with complaints ?
'You've folded t-shirts and put them in drawers. I want them on hangers in the wardrobe! I don't like the way you've stacked the dishwasher!' etc etc.
Trivial but frustrating. Frustrating for her because she can't do these things herself and frustrating for me!
This situation is unlikely to change, whereas a family friend who underwent bowel and lung cancer ops plus chemo is fit enough to be one of her main helpers.
Not a criticism but maybe a reality check?

I agree with all the comments I am horrible and impatient, ungrateful and everything else. I am just me and cant help who I am. I am glad I have some people who even bother to rely to my post.
and eating humble pie.
my friend has had 2 hip ops in 4 weeks and is recovering slowly, her cancer was eating away at both her hips and there is no cure, she starts radio therapy this week and I cant help her or go to visit and she is so positive. yes I could be much worse.

Horrible and ungrateful? Absolutely not!
Impatient and frustrated ? Yes, and understandably so!
Of course you're fed-up and it's rotten luck that at a different time you'd be helping a friend in need.
We all know that it's easy to say but not so easy to do - be KIND to yourself.
Posting here will help and it's better to get things off your chest on GN than bottling up your frustrations or taking them out on 'real people'.
I hope my post wasn't too harsh - all I want to say really is that this will pass.

I wish I'd had GNs to moan at 3 years ago. Believe me ethel I was every bit as frustrated, impatient, exasperated and cheesed off as you.
I agree with mcem, it will pass, it's just difficult for you to see more that a day or so ahead.

Keep posting! X

You can't be very horrible ethel or we wouldn't all keep coming back I think most of us understand how you feel at the moment which is why we want to chip in with suggestions for you.

Give it time and these frustrations will pass. Just hang on in there.

Would putting cat litter stuff over the sick absorb it and deodorise it a bit? Long time since I had a cat so I've forgotten . Glad to see you are getting your feistiness back Etheltb . (But you are sounding a bit like a stroppy teenager )

I think we are all rather fond of you.

I agree Stansgran, ethel's one sparky, strong lady

Why do you have a cat if you are so concerned about hygiene?