Bereavement and Counselling

Hope you have a good day today Alie.

GrandmaNell and Falconbird ,

I've been up and down a lot this week and when down, feeling I have got into the wrong movie.
This isn't how things were supposed to be.

Such a big gap between May 2nd this year and May 3rd....

I lost my wife and best buddy May 3 this year and am still coming to terms with my loss. However I do not believe that counselling would bring me any benefit in dealing with my situation. I spent my formative years during WW2 when death and destruction were all around and it was the community that provided the care and comfort required. Folk had time to stop and chat, share a cuppa, went to get any shopping required despite the shortages from rationing. What I currently find so strange is that the widows (hims and hers) that live in my immediate area are all showing strong signs of being very lonely, seeming scared stiff of communicating with those around them that are in the same position. They are all frantically rushing somewhere; destination unknown saying they are so busy. With what I ask? Surely we are the ones as a group who should be able to support each other and be what friendship is all about! Doing those things together in the same way that our forebears did.

My heart goes out to you both. All I can say is hold tight, eat when you feel like it, sleep when you can and find help where you can. I sought help from a lot of people. Some were amazingly kind and understanding, others not so much.

The feeling of unreality is normal apparently, well things aren't normal of course so that makes sense.

Most of all be kind to yourself if you can. I found that really difficult but now I'm just beginning to know what it means I think.

Point is, you need to talk to someone, and the counsellor is not the only one I am talking to..

I am sorry for the loss of your wife Jack - you are right that it would be good of the community could support each other. I imagine that the extent to which this happens varies in different areas. Do you have any family around?

Still thinking of you Alie - take care.

Jackthelad - Just seen your post.

I have cousins who grew up during the war so I know what you mean about the community being supportive. Your generation saw a lot of things which we post war babies know a little about but not so much.

I've recently moved into a new area and I've tried hard by joining things but it's not so easy for blokes I think. There's a widower in a Bereavement Group I go to and he's the only one.

It's very early days for you Jack and I speak from experience. Take it slowly. I was married for 44 years and knew my husband for nearly 50 - it takes time to readjust - stay strong.

Jack...sorry to be so brief last post, but I was waiting for my counsellor!
I am so sorry about your wife.

My not-quite son-in-law K is experiencing some of the same problems, left as a single father....he has some of his family around him but is having great trouble in finding anyone to talk things out with.
I wish I lived nearer. He has got very depressed and I wish I could help.

Counselling went well but is tiring, and I shouldn't have tried to do the meeting on the same day, I won't let that happen again. I got exhausted.

K texting me later, he is really down, and he seems to be stuck at wanting Jayne back - and knowing it isn't possible.
It's as if he can't let her go.
He needs help, he's keeping it all inside and pretending he's all right.

And he didn't answer when I offered to come to Oxford.

Poor man - it must be so hard for you to know how best to help him when you have your own grieving to do. It is another worry for you, and you could do without it. I hope your counsellor is proving helpful.

I went to Oxford yesterday and managed to miss K, as he was in town....talked to him from Cowley Road Tesco's where I went to find a little shop - that fixed my mobile phone which packed up a few days ago.

We've corresponded a bit more since my last post, and he - and I - are both up and down but he says I am welcome there any time which is reassuring.

He's been experiencing hostility from some members of the family who think of him as a recent interloper and are believing all kinds of things of him, it's so unfair.....so it has been a very tense weekend.
No more details here, but I have been ranted at by one of my grandsons who was really over the top and hurtful.

Counselling this morning.

At a time you should all be working together to help each other how sad it is when family argue and can't get along. Your grandson was out of order and very unkind. I hope he realises and apologises to you.

Oh heavens - you really do not need this. Stick to your guns and be a support to K as well as you can - I know you are doing this already. Families can be cruel when they feel hurt by a sudden tragedy. Please let you counsellor help and support you through all of this and know that many people are rooting for you.

Yes, counsellor was very helpful...I can pour things out and mostly she manages to sort out what I am on about!

The older grandsons lost their grandmother two months ago as well, and her grave is the third along from Jayne's. It must be a double hurt.

However, I have still to sort something out with the one who ranted at me - and I can't find his wife's email address.
They asked me to be at the birth of their child, a while back, and I now don't know what the situation might be. I want to ask her!

Allie - families eh,can be exhausting and such an emotional challenge. Its so good to read that the counsellor is helpful x

There is someone I can tell it all to without any fear of it being passed on to the wrong person!

Good news today. K has been to court and has a temporary custody order for KN, the 14-year-old who is not his but who wants to stay with him.
That's until 7th October when the proper order will be made.
A big step forward, I think and more security for both.

And maybe an opening for them to get rehoused.

That is good news Alie more stability for them both and you must be relieved things are moving on for you all. Rehousing would be a new start for them.

You must all be so relieved! Let's hope life continues to give you the positives you deserve

I've written to D, wife of the grandson, who is expecting the baby soon....I feel this is between me and her, and I need to know if I am welcome or not. I suspect not.

Managed third time to get K on the phone, both he and KN seem very cheered up by the custody decision - great.
Going over there tomorrow with a small picnic, take baby out, hope it doesn't rain!

Missing Jayne a lot last night though....

Little steps but so pleased to hear your latest news.

Thanks for support folks...
I seem to have got into a phase where I am trying to get back to some semblance of normality for some of the time - some of the time I feel rather numb - and then I burst into tears at very small provocation, a few words on TV perhaps.

I know what you mean Alie.

It can be the small things that get to you whether it be standing in a shop looking at birthday cards, mothers day cards, fathers day cards, birthdays, Xmas etc.

T.V shows that resonate with how we are affected by or how a loved one died . It happens so often but we never notice it until we are sadly the one to be affected .

Going shopping, thinking oh xxxxx would love that, or xxxxx would enjoy that.

You can't get away from the every day events that remind you of your daughter Alie but I sincerely hope the day will come you experience them without so much pain and heartache .

X