Substance abuse - how do I deal with it?

Thank you, Stansgran, it's something to consider.

I had a situation ,not to do with drugs, but I was a perfect match for a relative for a blood transplant and when it went on and on I found the Samaritans a tremendous help. I think it takes a good while for a GP to refer you to a counsellor so go as soon as possible for a referral and the Samaritans are good listeners( as are Gransnetters )

Marelli

No my dear not over the top at all.

Thank you, POGS, gillybob and pinkprincess.
POGS, he did hit rock bottom about 5 years ago, and gradually became a good bit better. Then, he started using again, but not as often (this is how much he's told me, anyway). He first took amphetamines when he was 19, apparently, so that's 25 years....
I found it hard enough to deal with when I found out the first time, but I really thought he'd stopped using. When I discovered it had been happening again, and had been doing, for some time, I felt as if it was the end of the world. Maybe that sounds a bit over the top, but it really is how I felt.

Hello Marelli

I have just gone through the hell of a lovely granddaughter almost destroying herself by substance abuse.She is 19 now and weaned off them after becoming addicted at 16. Her last fixes were on legal highs which are horrible things.

She still has bad mood swings but not as many as before.She is having treatment and is sticking to it.I was involved a lot in her recent life as her mother(ex DIL) could no longer cope with her behaviour.

My thoughts are with you and your son.

Oh Marelli I'm not in the position to offer any advice, but I would like you to know that I am thinking about you and your son. Addiction/ Drugs (in whatever form) are evil. They take hold of a good person and turn them into someone we neither like very much or understand (but sadly still love very much which is why we get so hurt). I know only too well that things are a million times worse in the middle of the night, but I hope you feel comfort in knowing that there are probably a lot of us lying awake, worrying just the same as you. We are mothers and grandmas and that's what we "do".
Sending you love and hugs. Xx

Marelli

I hate the b----y stuff.

I have posted before on another thread, I think on the Health Forum how I have experience of having a loved one who ' is a drug addict'.

I don't want to go over the cruel, horrible testimony again but I understand your utter despair at being so helpless .

Your son is doing the right things but it will be so hard for him. He will respect your love for him and the need to help but in my experience until 'the addict' (don't want to sound cruel) hits rock bottom he may have an uphill battle to 'get clean'. He sounds as though he accepts he needs help but keeping it up is his biggest problem.

All I can say is carry on showing your love but talk about the situation , watch for mood swings and accept the fragility of the circumstances you are all sharing. Does that make sense?

It takes time but I hope you all find the will to get through it. Heartfelt sincere wishes to you all.

It is reassuring Marelli to know we are not alone. You have given more people the courage to talk about our problems and gain from the experience of others.

annsixty and iam64, thank you for saying what you did. I found it hard to write about, because I felt as if I was letting him down by talking about him here. I've been trying to broach the subject for a while but couldn't bring myself to do so.
I'm not glad that annsixty and iam64 have had similar experiences, but I'm glad I'm not the only one to know what this feels like. to you both.

Hello Marelli, I'm late in catching up with this but want to acknowledge your bravery and wisdom in your approach to this. Amphetamine isn't an easy drug to leave behind but it's good to hear your son is talking to you and a close friend about his desire to do so. I don't know about your area but the town I live in, like others nearby has a good substance misuse team where your son could ask for help.

I've faced similar difficulties with my oldest daughter so empathise with the wee small hours being times when the worries seem even worse. I wish you the best in finding a professional counsellor or psychotherapist to help you at this tough time. sending very best wishes

Marelli sometimes we have to 'give ourselves permission' to do something that we know is the right thing to do but something deep down is preventing us, I think.

I have been through all this with my son with problems I do not care to talk about. I can say that at the age of 78 I can actually at last switch off from it.
I give financial help for the sake of the GC when it is needed and I applaud you Marelli for airing this problem, you are very brave and have encouraged me to talk about my problem. Very best wishes to you and peaceful times for us all who have these problems in our lives.

I may just take my own advice, janeainsworth. It has helped to talk about it, and I suppose I knew the answer all the time. We don't always see the way, do we, when it's about our own needs!

Marelli I can't add to the good advice about your son, but if you feel that you are becoming obsessed and fearful all the time, perhaps you really should take your own advice and see a professional counsellor.
There's often a feeling that we should be 'strong' and self-reliant, but perhaps it's actually stronger to seek help when you need it?
Thinking of you x

to you all for such helpful posts. It really does mean a lot to me.
when, you will remember the 'blips' he had about 3 years ago, I'm sure. He doesn't seem to want to see his GP or arrange counselling - I think he feels he can sort it himself, which he may well might. I'm on holiday at the moment, and spent hours during the night Googling sites like AdFam, etc. As I'm in Scotland, the options are a bit different, but similar in their concept. I think my main problem is how I deal with myself. I feel as if I'm becoming obsessed with it all, and I know I appear distracted sometimes. To be able to 'let him get on with it' would be good, but impossible for me. My friend (the one who worries!) has just about dropped her daughter from her life, because she feels so overcome (drowning, Lona!) and can't think of how else to cope. Couldn't imagine being able to do that. Not ever.
soontobe that's kind of you.

Sorry meant to add and many of the community groups support families too.

Hi marelli big hug. You may find some support on here:
www.adfam.org.uk/families

Also there is a massive groundswell of grass-roots groups now in the UK all involved with peer support for people recovering from addictions (that includes Narcotics Anonymous, SMART Recovery etc). There are "recovery cafes" springing up all over the place too where people meet and support each other in "mutual aid".

x

Oh Marelli I know that drowning feeling so well! You never stop worrying, but your son seems to be coping reasonably well and you've had some good advice here, and suggestions from when.
Stepping back a bit for your own sake is good, but easier said than done!
We're always here to listen and send (((hugs)))

I've come late to this Marelli and can only reiterate please don't blame yourself. I won't repeat the previous thoughtful posts but just wanted to ask if you had come across the Adfam website. Might be a good source of support for you. Your son knows what's there for him, including his Mum. I always think it's harder to be watching and unable to influence. Hope you can find support for yourself. Sending

for you Marelli Sounds like he's had a few relapses along the way and these are now diminishing. Has he replaced his recreational drug taking with other pastimes? Does he understand (and does his supportive friend also understand) what he needs to do to avoid further relapses? It won't take too long to excrete the chemicals from his body, but the psychological dependence and thoughts about the habitual lifestyle take longer to banish. I hope he's talking to a counsellor or GP who can intervene if he relapses again, so he can get back to abstaining without coming to any harm.

Some people never completely abstain, but do manage to hold down a job and keep their relationships going. Has he worked out whether controlling drug use or abstaining completely is best for him? Knowing more about how he's coping might help you deal with it more effectively. Good luck.

On the shelf behind me is a bottle of glue; you know the tall ones with that strange rubber top with a slit in it. It started off in my sons room over 20 years ago. Even at the time [it was never actually hidden] I never asked him why he'd bought it [still haven't broached the subject]. It could easily have been the first step on a slippery slope and what did I do at the time; nothing . Don't blame yourself in any way; just 'be there' for him as you always have been. I know I have an addictive/obsessive personality and could easily have ended up on a slippery slope of one kind or another myself, be it drinking,smoking dieting etc. He seems to be dealing with it very well; fingers crossed that it continues .

It is hard for everyone not to worry at times.
If it is all right with you, I will pray for you and your son[I like to ask first].

Good posts on here.

Apologies for that random ! In my first line, not intentional.

Thinking of Al anon, which is for the families of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics! I wondered if the same thing exists where substance is concerned.
You may already have investigated this, so I apologise if I am teaching granny to suck eggs. I am sure support/counselling would not be unhelpful, but only you will know what suits you.
In the meantime, take heart, you are being a wonderful mother just by standing by him and by your love and care for your son

www.familyrecoverysolutions.com/articles/al-alon-12-step-recovery-program-love-it-or-leave-it/

stansgran, what you say is absolutely right. We do have to 'detach' - or we'd go down the slippery slope of not coping at all (and then the guilt he feels would be even worse!)
A friend once told me that worry is a wasted emotion. She is one of the world's biggest worriers - but it's good to talk, isn't it?