Substance abuse - how do I deal with it?

MarelliAt least your son is talking to you about it which is a positive sign and also to his friend so he is accepting he needs help,it sounds as though he was also coping with the habits of his previous partner which would have been a massive strain and not helped him one bit,poor chap.
Can you get more information as to how you can help from his councillor and maybe attend meeting with him or does he want to go it alone,I feel for you as they are always our children however old they are.((hugs)) glamma x

glamma, I suggested he saw a counsellor again, but he said there was no need. I think that speaking with his friend, who has also come through the mill, will help, but I cannot see him ever being alright, if you know what I mean. Then I think to myself, why did I not realise that problems were starting when he was in his teens. It's too late now to turn the clock back.

Marelli I think Glamma's right. It does sound as though he's dealing with it with the help of his friend. Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. You have done a sterling job. You have always been there for him. Many people would not have done that, but like Glam says, they are always our babies and always will be. Chin up Missis. x

I think like previous posters that you can't blame yourself for doing the best you could at the time. And he is 44. Sometimes however much we love our children we have to realise they are not our children but fully fledged adults and detach for our own mental health. Not truly possible I know butfor you

We'll always do our utmost for them, won't we, jingl?
He's having to deal with the guilt of his behaviour over the years, and how it's affected others. I was awake quite a bit during the night, and of course, things are always worse in the wee small hours.
They make choices, our children, and I know that we can't tell them that they're making the wrong ones - and expect them to follow our lead. Not when they've moved away and leading their own lives, anyway.
I know I have to try and come to terms with how things are, and allow what might happen, just happen. There are things we just have no control over. My son worries that I worry. He says it makes him feel worse, so I put on a brave face and pretend I'm fine - 'Not waving, but drowning.' Not as bad as that, really - though it feels like that, sometimes!

I think there is good advice here Marelli but it is going to be difficult for you. We never do stop worrying do about them do we. All you can do is be there if he needs you. (((hugs)))

stansgran, what you say is absolutely right. We do have to 'detach' - or we'd go down the slippery slope of not coping at all (and then the guilt he feels would be even worse!)
A friend once told me that worry is a wasted emotion. She is one of the world's biggest worriers - but it's good to talk, isn't it?

Thinking of Al anon, which is for the families of alcoholics and recovering alcoholics! I wondered if the same thing exists where substance is concerned.
You may already have investigated this, so I apologise if I am teaching granny to suck eggs. I am sure support/counselling would not be unhelpful, but only you will know what suits you.
In the meantime, take heart, you are being a wonderful mother just by standing by him and by your love and care for your son

www.familyrecoverysolutions.com/articles/al-alon-12-step-recovery-program-love-it-or-leave-it/

Apologies for that random ! In my first line, not intentional.

It is hard for everyone not to worry at times.
If it is all right with you, I will pray for you and your son[I like to ask first].

Good posts on here.

On the shelf behind me is a bottle of glue; you know the tall ones with that strange rubber top with a slit in it. It started off in my sons room over 20 years ago. Even at the time [it was never actually hidden] I never asked him why he'd bought it [still haven't broached the subject]. It could easily have been the first step on a slippery slope and what did I do at the time; nothing . Don't blame yourself in any way; just 'be there' for him as you always have been. I know I have an addictive/obsessive personality and could easily have ended up on a slippery slope of one kind or another myself, be it drinking,smoking dieting etc. He seems to be dealing with it very well; fingers crossed that it continues .

for you Marelli Sounds like he's had a few relapses along the way and these are now diminishing. Has he replaced his recreational drug taking with other pastimes? Does he understand (and does his supportive friend also understand) what he needs to do to avoid further relapses? It won't take too long to excrete the chemicals from his body, but the psychological dependence and thoughts about the habitual lifestyle take longer to banish. I hope he's talking to a counsellor or GP who can intervene if he relapses again, so he can get back to abstaining without coming to any harm.

Some people never completely abstain, but do manage to hold down a job and keep their relationships going. Has he worked out whether controlling drug use or abstaining completely is best for him? Knowing more about how he's coping might help you deal with it more effectively. Good luck.

I've come late to this Marelli and can only reiterate please don't blame yourself. I won't repeat the previous thoughtful posts but just wanted to ask if you had come across the Adfam website. Might be a good source of support for you. Your son knows what's there for him, including his Mum. I always think it's harder to be watching and unable to influence. Hope you can find support for yourself. Sending

Oh Marelli I know that drowning feeling so well! You never stop worrying, but your son seems to be coping reasonably well and you've had some good advice here, and suggestions from when.
Stepping back a bit for your own sake is good, but easier said than done!
We're always here to listen and send (((hugs)))

Hi marelli big hug. You may find some support on here:
www.adfam.org.uk/families

Also there is a massive groundswell of grass-roots groups now in the UK all involved with peer support for people recovering from addictions (that includes Narcotics Anonymous, SMART Recovery etc). There are "recovery cafes" springing up all over the place too where people meet and support each other in "mutual aid".

x

Sorry meant to add and many of the community groups support families too.

to you all for such helpful posts. It really does mean a lot to me.
when, you will remember the 'blips' he had about 3 years ago, I'm sure. He doesn't seem to want to see his GP or arrange counselling - I think he feels he can sort it himself, which he may well might. I'm on holiday at the moment, and spent hours during the night Googling sites like AdFam, etc. As I'm in Scotland, the options are a bit different, but similar in their concept. I think my main problem is how I deal with myself. I feel as if I'm becoming obsessed with it all, and I know I appear distracted sometimes. To be able to 'let him get on with it' would be good, but impossible for me. My friend (the one who worries!) has just about dropped her daughter from her life, because she feels so overcome (drowning, Lona!) and can't think of how else to cope. Couldn't imagine being able to do that. Not ever.
soontobe that's kind of you.

Marelli I can't add to the good advice about your son, but if you feel that you are becoming obsessed and fearful all the time, perhaps you really should take your own advice and see a professional counsellor.
There's often a feeling that we should be 'strong' and self-reliant, but perhaps it's actually stronger to seek help when you need it?
Thinking of you x

I may just take my own advice, janeainsworth. It has helped to talk about it, and I suppose I knew the answer all the time. We don't always see the way, do we, when it's about our own needs!

I have been through all this with my son with problems I do not care to talk about. I can say that at the age of 78 I can actually at last switch off from it.
I give financial help for the sake of the GC when it is needed and I applaud you Marelli for airing this problem, you are very brave and have encouraged me to talk about my problem. Very best wishes to you and peaceful times for us all who have these problems in our lives.

Marelli sometimes we have to 'give ourselves permission' to do something that we know is the right thing to do but something deep down is preventing us, I think.

Hello Marelli, I'm late in catching up with this but want to acknowledge your bravery and wisdom in your approach to this. Amphetamine isn't an easy drug to leave behind but it's good to hear your son is talking to you and a close friend about his desire to do so. I don't know about your area but the town I live in, like others nearby has a good substance misuse team where your son could ask for help.

I've faced similar difficulties with my oldest daughter so empathise with the wee small hours being times when the worries seem even worse. I wish you the best in finding a professional counsellor or psychotherapist to help you at this tough time. sending very best wishes

annsixty and iam64, thank you for saying what you did. I found it hard to write about, because I felt as if I was letting him down by talking about him here. I've been trying to broach the subject for a while but couldn't bring myself to do so.
I'm not glad that annsixty and iam64 have had similar experiences, but I'm glad I'm not the only one to know what this feels like. to you both.

It is reassuring Marelli to know we are not alone. You have given more people the courage to talk about our problems and gain from the experience of others.