Someone's come for my dad.

Hi, it's me. I thought I would let you know how it all went. Thank you so much for your good wishes. X

I have been taken under the wing of the funeral director, Stephen (the boss) and he turned up at 8.30am with our car. We went to the Chapel of Rest. He told me that no one had been up to that point to see him, which I was horrified about, thinking of him on his own all that time. He had been told off my brother that he would see my dad yesterday (Monday) but didn't show up.

Anyway, flowers gorgeous, in the shape of a cup of tea and two displays, one off my son and one my dad's pets. My dad looked at peace, they had done a good job of getting him ready. I put some flowers in with him, photos, tea bags, a wooden heart engraved with a joke and message and Stephen put a wooden cross around his neck for me. I then spoke to him for about half an hour, thanking him, telling him how I will miss him and already do. I kissed him goodbye three times, I didn't want it to be final. But I had to.

No one turned up at the funeral directors so it was just the hearse and our car. Stephen walked in front of the hearse, top hat, cane, fully togged up, very respectful of my dad. When we got to the main road he stopped, turned towards my dad, took his hat off, bowed and then got into the car. I was so emotional about that, lovely.

We then did a route of the houses my dad (and us) had lived in and a couple of places of work. When we got to the supported housing where his flat is, staff and residents were outside waiting for us to pass. Stephen backed my dad up to the top of the car park so they could see better. I got out of the car and went and hugged them, crying my eyes out by their kindness.

We proceeded to the crematorium where all the rest of them were, my sister with her girlfriend and some mates she had seemed to invite, my brother and his adult sons, my mother and carers from his supported housing. The vicar was there and we got lead in after the coffin was carried in by poll bearers from the funeral directors. We started with Mr. Blue Sky by ELO, the vicar did prayers and told of my dad's life. We were then offered time to reflect while the next song played, "I like a nice cup of tea in the morning" which had me laughing and crying. I had done a picture for the top of the coffin where he was in work gear, smiling away and with a plastic cup of tea in his hand. More prayers off the lovely, sensitive vicar and then curtains closed to Ella Fitzgerald and Loius Armstrong, "Dream a little dream of me".

We got ushered out then into the annex. I spoke to the carers who had come and one of my nephews came to give me a hug but no one else spoke to me. Within minutes though Stephen asked me to get back in the car and the driver would take us wherever we wanted. He lent to kiss me and give me a hug, which was nice. (He knew me from primary school apparently). He also picked a rose out of my display and handed it to me to press. His service he provided was excellent, smooth running and very respectful, I couldn't have asked for a more fitting day for my lovely dad.

We got dropped off at a local restaurant where I nearly asked the driver how much I owed him! I am so used to taxis! We had our lunch, sharing stories and having a laugh about things my dad has said over the years and then we came home. I then, after about 10 minutes, felt like I had been run over by a steam roller, aching all over. I have had a sleep since and also sorted my tablets back out as I have been all over the place this last couple of weeks with them.

I am having a day off tomorrow and then it's appointments on Thursday to sort out his finances with banks etc.

I feel a bit happier now. It has been very stressful and of course I would rather have him here to still watch The Chase with and have a brew but he is now at peace and will be watching over me and taking care of me in a different way from now on.

Ruby. Thinking of you today. Please come back to us later. X

Keep very calm today * Ruby* don't let anyone upset you or spoil the day on which you say goodbye to your dad. I wish you peace and kind thoughts.

Thinking of you today Ruby

I do hope all goes well for you today Ruby. You will cope brilliantly as you gave up to now and you will do your dad proud.

Ruby Hope today goes smoothly, try to let everything wash over you, and just concentrate on getting through it. You've done so well up to now, good luck (((hugs)))

It'll be such a hard day today, rubylady, but you've done so very well under terrible pressures.
Try to let the others just be as they are. They can't help themselves. Your dad knew how much you loved him and cared for him right to the end.
Thinking of you today.

Thinking of you rubylady

I'm thinking of you too. This kind of day is very hard. I hope you have somone to lean on in the real world. Breath slow and deep rubylady (((((hugs))))

Thinking of you today Rubylady

Thank you to each and every one of you. I will be taking all your good wishes with me tomorrow and remembering your kind words. It gives comfort at a time like this to be surrounded by people who care, take time out to comment and wish me well and to think of me tomorrow. I hope you all have a lovely day yourselves and that the sun is shining for you to be out in it and feel the warmth and promise of a summer to come.

POGS That is good news. I am glad that your relative (which relative is it?) is getting better and able to get back to her own home, it must be a relief for you and a bit of a shock probably when you were at her bedside only a few days ago, thinking she was really poorly. The body is amazing. Let me know how things go.

Ruby please don't worry about the detail of your Dad's funeral. The Minister or Funeral Director would have pointed out anything you had forgotten. My experience at the funerals of my parents and close friends has been that the Minister, Funeral Director and all the professionals involved are unfailingly kind and helpful. They will manage it all discreetly and gently. You have managed so well. Will be thinking of you on Tuesday.

I'm so very sorry ruby. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday ( )

Hi Ruby

I shall be thinking of you on Tuesday along with all the other lovely gransnetters who have posted such warm messages.

As for your question re my circumstances that was very generous of you to ask but as this is not about me all I will say is she is out of ICU and back on the ward, all going OK but lord knows how she 'bounced back' from where she was. They are even talking of letting her go home as she has a care package in place so as soon as she will be sent home.

Tuesday will be a difficult day but be assured we will be with you in spirit. [hugs]

I can only repeat what the others have said ruby. Your undertakers will see you through. They do this many times and will know exactly what needs doing. You have done so well

Yes, hang on in there Ruby . The professionals do everything on the day of the funeral and your son will be with you, your Dad would be proud of you, you're doing everything I'm sure.
It's normal to think you've missed something. On the morning of my Dad's funeral I was in a panic because I hadn't asked anyone to carry the coffin, I rang the funeral director and she said, don't worry we do that.
It will go smoothly, I promise.

ruby you've done so well on your own and your Dad will know you did is the right thing. Hang in there.

Just picked this up ruby. Sorry for your loss. for you.

Bless you ruby, you are doing a grand job and it will all be fine. The undertaker and the minister will make sure everything is OK.

When my dh husband died I was dreading the funeral on so many levels, but the professionals dealt with it and everyone was there I hoped would be there.

I was quite moved by the numbers of people who turned up and the way the undertakes were so kind and reassuring.

My own dad died when I was only 20 and it left a huge gap. I still miss him and my husband too.

Stay strong Ruby

ruby You've done your best, try not to fret too much and look after yourself. It's a distressing time.
Your siblings should be ashamed of themselves.

Coping with a bereavement is something we have very little, if any preparation for. A sensitive minister/vicar can make it easier but I feel strongly that a kind and sympathetic undertaker is the person who can make the most difference. His/her role is to guide you and reassure you regarding every possible aspect of what needs to be done. . He/she should have sensitivity and empathy and be someone you can lean on in the way that we are supported by a midwife at the other end of life.
I was lucky in that the undertaker when I lost both my parents was a family friend and had been at my own wedding 27 and 30 years earlier. Warm, motherly , highly professional it was a comfort to know they were in "safe hands" and that she and her staff showed not only respect but the affection of someone who had known them all her life.
Thinking of you rubylady , what you are doing with love is the best a daughter can do for her father.

Ruby whatever you have done for your dad's funeral arrangements will be absolutely fine - those that are there will only be thinking of him during the service and not what you've missed out which I'm sure will be nothing. It's good that your son has been there to support you but dreadful your siblings haven't been involved. Families are notoriously difficult at times - I'm an only child so haven't had those kind of issues but I know from a friend's experience just how awful it can be. I hope the day goes well - in my experience sad as it is it's often quite nice afterwards to spend time with those who knew the person and talk about them. We took photo albums to my dad's funeral which everyone really enjoyed looking through. Maybe you could get something together over the weekend to keep you busy. Take care

Is there a friend that you can call rubylady? Perhaps you could go out for a meal with someone to try and relax and take your mind off things for a while.

I remember being in a similar position when my mother died. Best wishes to you.

Dad's funeral is on Tuesday. I had the vicar call round earlier to do a round up of what he was like. I did inform my siblings but neither turned up to contribute to stories or memories so again I have had to do it all myself.

I am currently sat here, with twitching, feeling itchy, really anxious. I do think it because I have been sorting it all out and talking about it tonight but thinking about it all the time. Have I done everything? Will it be ok? Is it fitting enough for his memory? Have I done him proud?

How do I start to relax and switch off? It's been bad enough while he was ill etc but I can't go on like this. Doing it all on my own has been difficult although my son has been great and was with me the other day when I had some official stuff to do, which helped greatly but he only has so much "dealing with it all" patience, if you know what I mean. X

Aw, I am very moved by all your best wishes, thank you so much. It is an emotional rollercoaster but I'm sure that time will heal. The Easter services this morning had me crying, the Pope addressing the congregation and the world was poignant. I am trying to bring some order back to the house as housework got left last week but at the same time rest up and switch off, but that isn't happening as it's there all the time just yet.

I have had an upset stomach, which I didn't expect. Feel sick at times and don't want to eat. But I suppose it's only expected really.

POGS How are things now?

Willow I can't image how you coped with going to the care home for 3 years, it was a very oppressive place to be in I thought. I am so glad my dad didn't stay long. I hope you have found some peace since your mum passed.

It was lovely last night as my son's friends turned up, one with flowers and chocolates and a card from her and her family (her dad is currently undergoing cancer treatment too) and the other, a young man, gave me his time. We sat and talked, watched tv, ate pizza, watched the England match and generally shared some time together which was really nice and special of them to do it for me. I have now got a picture of my dad at my side, in his work gear, drinking his brew, so he did join us last night for our get together too. When the footie was on, I turned him round so that he could watch it.