Losing another man in my life.

Thank you so much NanKate, that is a beautiful thing to say and has cheered me up, thank you.

You are so right Alea, I do think that we run around sorting things out that we have little time to think about things and then something will spark it off. I am glad that your friend found a release to her grief and was able to get it off her chest so to speak. It sits on you and in you and after a good cry it becomes a little less tight on the chest and throat and breathing is eased.

I got visited last night by my dad in a dream, which was comforting and from what he said (he was very insightful), he told me to deal with my own life and to be careful of taking other people's problems on too much. Very wise words and much needed. It was the first time I had been visited by him since he died so I do hope he comes to me again sometime.

I have contacted the care home today where he died. I wanted to speak to the vicar who said a few words to him just as he died. I am probably looking for some comfort but seeing as my DS is back to wanting to be with his friends and I don't have my siblings to share stories etc., then maybe I am trying to connect with someone who brought him comfort at his hour of need, meaning it will comfort me too. Also I only have my sister's account for how he passed so I would like to hear it from the vicar too as she might not be as harsh as how my sister worded it.

You and your friend's family have my sincere sympathy, rubylady. Sometimes the loss of a friend can seem the last straw on our own "camel's back " of grief, but it can also be an opportunity to let go of some of the feelings which accompany bereavement.
My example is that of my oldest school friend in Scotland whose father died suddenly almost exactly 12 months before mine. Three months later her mother had a massive stroke from which she never recovered, but spent weeks in hospital and then several months in a nursing home where she was still at the time of my father's death (at 88 and dare I say, "wanting" to go, as mum had predeceased him by 5 years)
Anyway my friend K came to the service and was absolutely distraught to the point where when asked back afterwards, was too upset to come. Talking it over quietly some days later on our own we realised that she had not had the time to fully mourn her father, to whom she was close, because of the circumstances of her mother's stroke and the ongoing stress of her care. My father's funeral had opened the floodgates and it wasn't just sadness for me or for my loss, but at last she was able to truly grieve for her own dad. . She admitted it had helped her because she realised that she had been feeling guilty because she had not had the time or focus to let the grieving process take its course.

What an awful year you are having Ruby first your dad and now this other gentleman. It's so sad when you lose kind nice people.

I still mourn my dear dad who died in 1988. He had all the virtues I want and he is a hard act to follow.

Don't keep away from your friends for fear of breaking down. I visited a friend whose husband died in a car crash and sobbed for half an hour, my friend comforted me and we have remained close friends ever since.

Life can be so cruel. You sound the sort of friend I would want in a crisis.

Thanks for all your messages once again and for the concrete advice and support. You are so right in looking after myself and only dealing with this when I feel strong enough. I have had time today to process it a little more and that is exactly what I am going to do along with taking time out for myself too. I have had a little pamper day today and I feel better for it.

The couple in question have six children, grown up now and 10 GC so they are well looked after in that way too. They get on well with neighbours so they will rally round too when things get more serious, I am sure.

I have in the past, tended to go in gung-ho, wanting to help more than was probably needed so I have had to learn to hold back a little and not swamp people or tread on others toes. So I will be there when asked and have time to myself when I'm not. I am still going through the grieving for my dad and I don't want all this to hit me like a bolt from the blue, as I have suffered severe depression when things have accumilated in the past. So I have to take things slowly and steadily and relax the mind inbetween times.

With regard to counselling, I have had it a couple of times now and found it useful the first time. It taught me techniques in which to deal with situations so I will use them again now. I do not want to go through it again. My GP has doubled my anti depressants for the time being however, so that will probably help. If I find that I am getting too low then i will go back and see him again.

Thanks again, you are my rock, all of you.

Bless you. You are clearly still in shock at learning of this gentle mans situation and you want to do what you can to help them through the coming weeks, months.
All I can say, having lost my beloved just three months ago, is be there when you can, listen, and support afterwards. Listen to your heart and be a good friend. You WILL cope, you do have the strength inside you.

So sorry to hear of yet more sadness rubylady

You have had a shock.

Sometimes people get time to process it, but unfortunately, not much time this time.

If you can, I would concentrate on this event, and lower prioritise other things, like housework!

That way you will know that you did your best, both to them, and to yourself.

I would go visit them on days that you feel stronger.
Perhaps you could write them a note as well? People tend to read and reread them.

Ditto the above Ruby .
We are always here on GN with support and

Another sad time for you Ruby and you seem to have had so many. Thank goodness you have happy memories, but do look after yourself as well, I am really merely repeating what Nfk says.

It's very soon for you Ruby, after your dad an' all. And you'll want to give them support, but remember the airline safety rule ........ First fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others. Look after yourself Ruby

So sorry, hug, take care x

I'm very sorry, Rubylady.

ruby I'm so sorry. So much emotional turmoil in such a short space of time.

Hi there Rubylady just found your,post I did some,counselling and it sounds,as though you have a great deal on your shoulders .Would some counselling help here .You sound very self aware and a true friend .Our tutors used tell us that it's often the multiple problems that load up on people .When I was training I found that my clients used to say that they could tell me things that they would not say to family and friends ,hope you don't mind my suggestion .If it would help please feel free to message me .on not a Counsellor now life events,but happy to be around .

ruby lady,i am sorry. Wish there was an answer to your question , we just do because we have no choice. I am sure you will find strength to support his wife and this will strengthen you