Social Anxiety

I am quite surprised at how many of you are not happy with meeting a lot of people. I thought I was the only one. I hate having to eat with other people. Many the dinner I have refused to go to.I did a bit of public speaking at one time and was told to imagine the audience was all naked or that I was talking to a field of cabbages. Not sure that would work at a party though

cherry re your daughter and a wedding. My daughter and son-in-law went to Scotland to get married. They stayed in a B&B that was a converted chapel. They offered civil weddings at the chapel and made all the arrangements. My daughter had very little to arrange herself except for clothes etc. They combined the wedding with a holiday. She was pregnant at the time and didn't want a big fussy do. If your DD does want to get married it might be something to think about.

I have always suffered from social anxiety,which I now know is part of my Asperger's Syndrome.This means that I will never enjoy parties,social gatherings,etc. so I try to avoid them if possible.I think the question you need to ask WLNY is whether or not you would actually like to go to the events that make you so anxious?If not,then it may be best to accept that this is just the way you are.
However,if you want to be able to accept invitations and used to enjoy going out,then I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be good for you-maybe read a self-help book on it first.In my area you can self-refer for CBT on the NHS but you would need to check the situation with your GP.I think it would be a good idea to talk to him/her about your problem anyway in case there is any underlying medical reason for it.
Coping strategies vary but I think this is the way forward for you.

I loathe going out. No CBT or other talking therapy / drugs /tactics help at all. I bloody hate it.

Most people are not worth the trouble of having a wash for, or putting on some decent shoes, or leaving a good book.

However, the stars call me into the garden at night or the birds flying home to roost, cool woodlands and empty beaches when a storm is blowing...........I guess it is humans that make it all so problematic..........all helped by arthritis now which immobilises me most days.

Today I am meeting 2 lovely friends for lunch. I am not thinking about how lovely it will be, I am stressing. My mind fills with, 'what if I faint, what if I die, what if my hands shake (which they often do) and I spill my coffee, what if I can't get my words out and start mumbling, what if there's a terrorist attack.' It's the same every time and none of the aforementioned ever happens - apart from the shaky hands which nobody appears to notice except for me.

It is incredible how many people have posted on this thread to confess to varying degrees of social anxiety. Who would have thought it, especially when women are supposed to be the empathetic, sociable gender who hold things together?

I am rather reserved and nervous of meeting and mixing with others and I often unwittingly say the wrong thing and am judged harshly. I wouldn't say I have many friends. I really have to steel myself to go out and mix with others and sometimes do not even like to answer the phone.

However, when I do I 'put on my armour' in that I dress carefully and smartly and get myself in the right mental 'place' to engage with company. My DH and DD have hinted over the years that actually I am a bit scary to others, and I do acknowledge that, but it is all done 'on the defensive'.

I can't believe that this is quite a common problem, I already feel relief just from reading every comment. It would be nice if each of us could all take a step in the right direction and bring ourselves the happiness that we deserve.

I've been socially inept all my life. Now I just avoid things I don't want to go to. It's not worth the suffering, the blushing, the stammering, tripping over everything, spilling my drinks. But I am a bit tougher these days and do go to things where there are people who understand me, just occasionally.

I am sorry so many people are suffering with this like I do but I have to say it is a comfort to know that it's not just me. Everyone always seems so 'together'.

I agree KatyK, sometimes it's hard to talk about how you are feeling. I am so glad I came on here and broached the subject, certainly didn't think there would be such a response.

I'm glad you did too!

I'm supposed to go to a reunion of my old nursing class of 1966 but I've ducked out of it which makes me cross with myself and dissapointed as I haven't seen these girls for years as we live at opposite ends of the country. Its partly that I can't afford the air fare and hotel etc but mainly that the whole thing makes me feel super anxious. I've learnt that to be happy I should only do the things that appeal to me.
Having said that, I'm much less socially anxious than I used to be and I think its because I don't force myself to go to worrisome things!

I think that the people who seem so 'together' KatyK are probably good at pretending sometimes. I suffer from social anxiety and it gets worse and worse. However there are times when I can't wait to go somewhere I have been invited to - such as family get-togethers and meals with old friends. So these days I try to avoid going anywhere I don't want to go. I've had my fill of going to places I didn't want to go in the past and feel I have now earned the right to be choosy and to please myself. So I politely decline the invites I don't want and go along to the ones that make me feel OK to attend. I have always been outgoing and enjoyed socialising but these days it's all too much effort. My shy younger sister however, goes to everything she is invited to. I wish I could be more like her.

I have suffered from social anxiety for years, although my neighbour calls me anti social which hurts.

I feel I can't help it if I feel so inferior that I can't meet people and carry on a conversation - I don't like one on one, dont like people looking at me. The thought of going out for a meal with a couple of people I hate. There are some days when I don't want to even go outside the door.

I think it's getting worse the older I get, the more wrinkly etc I get. I long to be someone who is full of confidence and out there no matter what they look like.

I could never walk into a room of people on my own - all those eyes looking my way and criticising. I am tall and this was always picked up on when I was growing up - no matter who you met, there had to be a remark about my height. So perhaps this is where it has all come from - I regard myself as some sort of freak and hate seeing other people.

I must add that its been incredibly comforting to read that I'm not the only one that has difficulty this way.

Maybe you are right regarding the 'together' people oldgoose I had a dreadful upbringing - drunken, violent father. Us children were neglected and I was frightened every day of what would happen at home. After more difficult life events as I got older, that frightened child is now a frightened adult. Therefore I feel that it will not get better, only worse. I try not to let it spoil my life too much, but it's not easy.

inishowen
I can completely sympathise. I, too, have suffered with shyness all my life and find making conversation difficult. I thought maybe as the years went on I would improve but nothing has changed. Sadly two of my friends died last year and another friend is moving to another part of the country so I feel I now must make an effort to join something but it isn't going to be easy. However, I feel I must make the effort.

KatyK that is awful. You make lots of nice comments on here so hope thst life on the whole is ok. When I see your name I think of pink shoes. Was it you who posted a picture of some lovely ones you'd bought, or was thst Katek or another Kate? If you, hope you're still enjoying them. And do go on, as you just said, not letting earlier things spoil your life too much. Those were bad days with awful attitudes. I remember them well. I was destined for hell, apparently, when I was 7. It worried me for a long time. Terrible thing to say to a child. I'm much more cheerful these days.

Do you remember this from "The King and I"? Truer than perhaps some people thought. It can sometimes be possible to pin the smile in place, take a deep breath and bluff your way through.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGS029Peq7k

I too suffer with social anxiety. Have done for most of my life together with depression. I am finding it has got worse as I get older. I also feel anxious a lot of the time, about things I never used to worry about.
Since I stopped work about a year ago I have tried to join different groups but find it very stressful to walk into a room full of people I don't know.
I don't have close friends and feel very lonely a lot of the time. I have a very loving partner and daughters and granddaughters but have always found it very hard to make friends.
I have taken anti-depressants for a lot of the last 20 years but managed to stop them about a year ago. I feel I may feel better if I go back onto them and I am trying to decide whether to go back and see my doctor.
I don't think people see me as anxious and shy, I hide it well, but inside I am quite unhappy.

I always dread going to different functions, even if I know everyone.I always accept, then almost regret my decision, but strangely I always enjoy myself.
My Husband always says "you know you will enjoy it", and he is right, but why do I still not want to go. Strange behaviour I think.
This evening, I am off with some old work friends to a musical, and I am really looking forward to it!

Welovenewyork.

so sorry social anxiety is a recent visitor to your life and causing you so much trouble. this site may have helpful ideas.

www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder-and-social-phobia.htm

Hope you get some helpful ideas that you can action from this thread. May you feel better soon.

When I was a child my mother used to say whenever you feel shy ask people about themselves: it always works and sometimes, even with non-kindred sprits it can be quite interesting to see how they tick and people just love talking about themselves so go out and enjoy the whole palaver: it's fun!

Thank you Bella That's a lovely post. No I didn't post about pink shoes. It must have been katek. The names are too close! I love pink shoes though Awful to tell a child they were destined for hell.

wlny - you can see from all the posts that you are not alone in suffering from this.
I too have suffered from this in the past. At work I sometimes had to attend large round-table meetings and when it was my turn to introduce myself, I was deeply embarrassed and was convinced that everyone was looking at me throughout the meeting thinking how odd I was or how badly I was dressed.
I still suffer to a lesser degree, but I have found that if I go on a "charm offensive" where I appear enthusiastic to be there and to talk to other people, my feelings of anxiety go away as I am no concentrating on them. I also feel more in control, which is important.
I know it is tempting to try and avoid social situations but this won't help you.
Leva's technique sounds good too - let the other people talk! They often love being the centre of attention.