Social Anxiety

I can't believe that this is quite a common problem, I already feel relief just from reading every comment. It would be nice if each of us could all take a step in the right direction and bring ourselves the happiness that we deserve.

It is incredible how many people have posted on this thread to confess to varying degrees of social anxiety. Who would have thought it, especially when women are supposed to be the empathetic, sociable gender who hold things together?

I am rather reserved and nervous of meeting and mixing with others and I often unwittingly say the wrong thing and am judged harshly. I wouldn't say I have many friends. I really have to steel myself to go out and mix with others and sometimes do not even like to answer the phone.

However, when I do I 'put on my armour' in that I dress carefully and smartly and get myself in the right mental 'place' to engage with company. My DH and DD have hinted over the years that actually I am a bit scary to others, and I do acknowledge that, but it is all done 'on the defensive'.

Today I am meeting 2 lovely friends for lunch. I am not thinking about how lovely it will be, I am stressing. My mind fills with, 'what if I faint, what if I die, what if my hands shake (which they often do) and I spill my coffee, what if I can't get my words out and start mumbling, what if there's a terrorist attack.' It's the same every time and none of the aforementioned ever happens - apart from the shaky hands which nobody appears to notice except for me.

I loathe going out. No CBT or other talking therapy / drugs /tactics help at all. I bloody hate it.

Most people are not worth the trouble of having a wash for, or putting on some decent shoes, or leaving a good book.

However, the stars call me into the garden at night or the birds flying home to roost, cool woodlands and empty beaches when a storm is blowing...........I guess it is humans that make it all so problematic..........all helped by arthritis now which immobilises me most days.

I have always suffered from social anxiety,which I now know is part of my Asperger's Syndrome.This means that I will never enjoy parties,social gatherings,etc. so I try to avoid them if possible.I think the question you need to ask WLNY is whether or not you would actually like to go to the events that make you so anxious?If not,then it may be best to accept that this is just the way you are.
However,if you want to be able to accept invitations and used to enjoy going out,then I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be good for you-maybe read a self-help book on it first.In my area you can self-refer for CBT on the NHS but you would need to check the situation with your GP.I think it would be a good idea to talk to him/her about your problem anyway in case there is any underlying medical reason for it.
Coping strategies vary but I think this is the way forward for you.

cherry re your daughter and a wedding. My daughter and son-in-law went to Scotland to get married. They stayed in a B&B that was a converted chapel. They offered civil weddings at the chapel and made all the arrangements. My daughter had very little to arrange herself except for clothes etc. They combined the wedding with a holiday. She was pregnant at the time and didn't want a big fussy do. If your DD does want to get married it might be something to think about.

I am quite surprised at how many of you are not happy with meeting a lot of people. I thought I was the only one. I hate having to eat with other people. Many the dinner I have refused to go to.I did a bit of public speaking at one time and was told to imagine the audience was all naked or that I was talking to a field of cabbages. Not sure that would work at a party though

I have suffered with this all my life. Even now at 64 I have difficulty with social things. I go to a weekly yoga class. If my friend can't come I make an excuse and don't go either. i can't walk into the class alone. Nothing has changed since I was the little girl who hated Brownies, then the Girls Brigade, etc., My mum made me join things against my wish as she thought it would "cure" me of shyness. I wish i could take a pill to stop being shy.

Hi wlny welcome to GN.

I can't comment on the problem of social anxiety, because I don't suffer from it.

But the reason I'm writing is because I am truly puzzled why so many people mention the fact that they don't drink as being a problem with social outings - my husband is teetotal and one of the most sociable people I know, and I drink very little and it never bothers me that I may be the odd one out.

Theres an entire industry devoted to "artisan style", "grown up" non alcoholic drinks, the Fentiman range etc. I really don't think that anyone not drinking alcohol should feel left out nowadays.

i can totally relate to your anxiety Welovenewyork I m a bit of an enigma to myself as I can't just can't go to big gatherings and yet I organised and attended a school reunion for 70 last year perfectly so I m guessing it's more to do with my control over things

I always feel out of my comfort zone at parties so don't go now, well never get asked really. Last Christmas I was staying at my sons in NZ and they had a Christmas party I must have been a total misery as I ' hid ' away for junks of the time feeling so self conscious and unpartyish however after they d all gone a couple of couples stayed behind and I was able to join in happily I also remember feeling really uncomfortable at my youngest daughters 'after wedding' party and escaped to look after a couple of babies, I still feel terribly guilty about that.

I also don't drink much and think that makes a huge difference to inhibitions As a child I was very shy and terribly self conscious, when I was married I did enjoy parties as a couple, now on my own I feel like I m a Billy no mates ( which I m not at all) I enjoy meet ups with friends and cinema/ theatre visits I can talk easily to strangers at bus stops, trains, buses but put me in a party situation and I freeze and I m told I look miserable. So I guess I m a bit of a mystery to myself

Happy Birthday Grandson2008,I hope you had a lovely day....

First of all, thank you to every single one of you who has taken time out to post their feelings and opinions, it truly is very touching.

Just a little insight, I finally plucked up the courage to visit my GP last year and had 4 sessions of 'talking therapy' at the beginning of the year, I didn't have a brilliant childhood and have low self esteem because of it. I'm not great at talking things over so had a lot bottled up. I looked in to private counselling afterwards but she wanted to see me twice a week at £50 a session which I couldn't afford, I did feel better for a while but then there were no social things to go to on the calendar, all of a sudden the invites have started and it's that time of year, there are only so many excuses you can make and some of them I would actually like to go to. I have always felt most people are better than me and why would they be inviting me or want me as a friend.....

I'm 54 and just starting to go through the menopause so maybe that it also playing a small part in how I am feeling, I do know that if I don't tackle this now it could get worse, I am grateful that I have to get up everyday and go to work, again, sometimes my job has been stressful and I don't have a very nice Manager, sometimes I have felt bullied at work to which has knocked what bit of confidence I have had.

After reading all the posts, I am going to go to the meal which is for a Friend's 50th Birthday, (DH is also invited) and she has other Friends going who I don't know which is the part that is getting me in a pickle I think, they are going on to somewhere else after but I am just going to the meal, as advised, baby steps first, then on Sunday I am going to have something nice to look forward to as a 'well done' to myself as suggested by Cherrytree59.

Once again, thank you to you all for your thought and kind messages. I am so glad that I have joined Gransnet as the support has been brilliant.
xx

Happy birthday Grandson2008. Hope you managed to enjoy your day.

I used to love going to parties when I was younger - but as I've got older, for some reason, I hate large gatherings. I have good hearing but find that in many places the acoustics are such that large groups of people all talking at the same time create a huge babble of noise and I can hardly make out what the person next to me is saying never mind someone a opposite!

My late mother-in-law used to advise to just ask people a question about themselves, nod wisely and look interested and they'll go away thinking you're a wonderful listener!

But if the acoustics are bad, there's no chance. Hubs and I don't go out very often but when we do it's usually to attend an evening 'do' for a local wedding but after an hour of showing face, we sort of quietly sidle out of the back door and back home for cocoa!

We often laugh about that!

I put myself in the corner as I just cannot start a conversation with people I don't know. It's agony being alone in a social setting, standing silent and wishing I could hide.
I don't drink either.
People like us need befriending, as I have been and now have good friends, but I'm hopeless on my own.

I have this also and depression on and off. I once read a great book which pointed out that we think inside our own head when we have anxiety. One of the tricks is to really concentrate on outside your own head stuff. Do not internalise your thoughts. Concentrate on the taxi coming, or the radio in the car, the weather, the windscreenwipes, anything but your fear. If you find yourself drifting back, stop and think hard again about outside your thoughts. Look at pictures up in someone's house, the cutlery, the glasses, flowers, again anything but the fact that you are going to say or do the wrong thing.

Have a few pointers to go to to talk about, write a list if you have to and keep it in your bag and look at it when visiting the powder room. Jobs, children, holidays, decoration, etc.

Have an escape plan or a buzz word with the person you are with. If you say "sausages" for example it means between you that you are having difficulty and would like to leave. Then tell the hosts a reasonable excuse and go home. But next time try to stay that bit longer, or talk to more people.

If you are talking to someone and they ignore/turn away from you, then just talk to the next person and think the problem lies with them and not you. They are missing out on your wonderful personality, their loss. But don't put yourself down or think it's your fault, it's not, carry on and the confidence will come.

People deserve to be with you, you are brilliant, you are the best at what you do, get out there and show them who you are. Nobody puts baby in the corner!

I had a mini stroke a few years ago recovered well thank you god but I prefer small get togethers my family understands this so I don't worry now. Today is my 60th birthday and I've had a great day seeing everyone in small groups. I have found you find out who really cares about you when you go through stuff talk to people I did and feel so relieved why should we be made to feel ill over situations life us to short

I suffer from this too , mine started when I had marriage problems caused by my X`s excessive drinking when we were out . He would become quite nasty when drunk and eventually I stopped going out to avoid the situation.

I am not sure how to get over it and have never managed to myself although I am happy to go to small events with family but still get the worried feeling before hand. I am a naturally shy , quiet person so prefer very small gatherings anyway .

I think the point here is how long you have had it, presumably you were fine before this so it is not the norm for you as it seems to be with other posters. What happened 2 years ago? Have you fully got over it or do you need to address whatever it was?

Maybe you need to deal with the cause rather than trying to overcome it?

If you want to go out and about I suggest small steps first, you may find you enjoy yourself just going to the cinema with one person you are comfortable with. Then maybe a short meal out, gradually building to accepting invitations. I know how easy it is to become a hermit which is fine for a short time but will make you unhappy longer term.

Many of us can go out with other people who drink and have no issues at all. I don't think anyone has ever tried to persuade me to drink when I didn't want to even though I enjoy a drink.

WLNY, I feel for you, as I am the same. The only social events I enjoy are lunch with a couple of long-standing friends, or small gatherings of family at my home.

DD1 has a different problem. She likes to go to a party or outing occasionally and enjoys herself, but that night she can't sleep at all through catastrophizing and suffers panic attacks. For the next few days she is anxious, shaking and crying, which is awful to see. I find myself feeling cross with her for going out and bringing on these bouts, but she feels the need to test herself every once in a while, then regrets it. She has tried CBT and mindfulness but they haven't helped.

I've never found a solution, I go along but go through an awful lead up to any social situation including the 'what shall I wear?'question. As I've got older I care less what people think but still suffer from the anxiety.

I was a painfully shy child, and used to suffer dreadfully at the thought of any sort of social occasion.
As I grew older I was fine in a work environment, it was just social stuff, I wouldn't go to parties, or for nights out with friends from work. I didn't even like going out for pub lunches with colleagues. I refused so often that eventually they stopped asking!
This went on into my early twenties, when I gave myself a damn good talking to, and forced myself to join in, and 'put myself out there'!
It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, one of my problems was that I'd vomit with nerves at the thought of going out, so I started taking a travel toothbrush and paste with me, tucked away in the depths of my handbag. So, if I felt sick, I'd make my excuses, go and do the deed, clean my teeth, suck a peppermint, and return to the event!
I'm still not a great party person, I prefer an evening with close friends, chatting and relaxing!
However, social occasions don't faze me any longer, if people don't like me, I don't care, and if I don't like them, well, I chat to someone else! If I'm forced to sit by someone I really don't like, I tolerate it, telling myself that I never, ever have to speak to them again!
It narrows one's life to be afraid of socialising, so pull up your big girl knickers, hold your head high, and for the first couple of times, bluff your way through it, you'll soon find it becomes a lot easier!
You CAN do it, just stop worrying about what anyone thinks, you're you, and what they think is their business, and their problem, not yours!
Good Luck!

Every time I am asked to even the simplest outing, I get shaky hands and panic sets in. I put it down to the fact that I have always been an anxious person (due to childhood and other traumas). I have never felt that I fitted in. Usually though, when I take up the invitation, I am fine (ish).

I don't really go to social engagements, I don't have an anxiety about them, I guess I don't feel the need to be with alot of people to enjoy myself. In the past I have said yes to invitations so as not to offend, these days I just politely decline.

When I have accepted in the past I have been at the venue and thought to myself " What the heck am I doing here??" There are enough things in life that one has to do without punishing oneself when it isn't necessary.

If one politely declines often enough then sooner or later the invitations will cease . I think someone in the thread said that they don't drink. I don't either, and I agree that can make things more difficult, nothing worse than people trying to get you to drink when you don't want to unless it is sitting there stone cold sober watching people get squiffy, sillier, and louder by the minute. Not for me Thank You.

ann I have been through the same with my DD she was thirteen when it started.
She was home schooled. We were lucky as the local school payed for a tutor. It was only a few hours a week but enough to get her though 4 GCSEs.
Her anxiety was triggered by some bad events at that time.
Counselling was provided but at the time didn't seem to help much.
But the tutor was wonderful and helped her confidence.
She managed to go to college and win student of the year.
Unfortunately she didn't feel confident enough to go to the presentation.
She has two beautiful sons now and a partner. But will not get married as can't face a wedding and all it entails.
Her anxiety is still a problem
She uses some tacits to get through social situations.
The children have helped as she focuses on them and will do things out of her comfort zone for their benefit.
I think your DGC is at the age when her hormones are flying all over the place and this adds to the anxiety. Hopefully when they settle down you may fined that her anxiety will also.
My DD was on antidepressants
But stopped them after a year.

WeLoveNewYork I suffer from a different kind of anxiety.
But I have tried to encourage my DD when faced with a social situation to say to herself, 'ok I have to go Because...' She then gives herself some strategies to employ while she there. Eg I will sit by so and so.
Or if official she will write down what she wants to say and if she feels she can't express what she wants to put across because of anxiety she then gives it to the person it to read.

(This was what she did when we first went to the doctor to see about her anxiety teenagers find it difficult enough to express themselves anyway even without anxiety problems)
She will then try to focus on the day after the event rather than the event its self.
So on the day after she will plan to give herself a treat. Maybe a nice bubble bath or a magazine or more recently she will say that she is going to tidy some cupboards or tackle some other job that needs doing at home and tries to keep that at the forefront of her mind and not the up and coming event.
May be WLNY you could plan something nice for day after your outing.
Feet up, film on TV, box of chocs and glass of wine.
Then while your out give a thought to the next days pleasure.

A friend went through some difficult social anxiety when she was going through the menopause.
She avoided as much social events as she could and would not even go shopping. that became her DH's job.
She is through the menopause now and is no longer anxious.
So in her case it also seems that it was her hormones flying around.

Good luck x

Sorry, ann, didn't mean to ignore your granddaughter. Can't sit for long at the moment so dipping in and out. Wondering who diagnosed her. If not a doctor would suggest involving her GP. CBT rather than counselling might help. There is a lot of stuff on line that appeals to young people, MoodGym is an Australian program that often appeals. Can understand such a big change would trigger anxiety, of any kind. If you think about it it's human nature to retreat to a safe place if we are upset. I'm wondering how much she wants it to be different? If it's more that others around her want her to change she may not respond to intervention. It's so hard to see our family struggling, I feel for you all and hope for a less anxious time soon.