Not out of the woods!

Well, there I was thinking I was in the clear on Friday over my heart test when the doctor phoned today.

Apparently it has to be under 100, this test. Mine is 1200! So, not out of the woods, not by a long chalk, so it seems. At first I was shocked. Then I was upset and now I am angry.

I was upset because it has taken four years of my life, this condition, with me not being able to do anything with my son, go anywhere, not even to the cinema with him let alone take him to university on the day. But small things, I've been too tired to have an interest in with him. It is heartbreaking thinking that I could have been sorted years ago and had some sort of better life with him these last few important years. It has caused bitter rows between us, some of you know that. It caused me to throw him out and for him to be in a hostel for a week, all totally unnecessary if my health had been sorted sooner. It has caused him to go to Wales to escape the constant illness, not me but the condition itself. It could have permanently ruined our relationship. Luckily, we are both strong characters who love each other very much and he is now talking about getting on the first train as soon as I need him to.

I am sad as I lost the last few months with my dad due to my health being so bad. I couldn't breathe and so getting to his appointments with him was having a very bad effect on my health. I asked him to take taxis but he refused, wanting to use hospital transport. It caused a rift between us and because he was angry, I didn't speak to him for a while, let him calm down. But then it was too late, nearly, only seeing him the last week before he died. I feel terrible and if this had been sorted sooner, I would have been in better health to be with him all the way. It is sad and it makes me mad too. Lost time cannot be found again.

It makes me mad because I have been telling doctors for FOUR years that something was wrong! Four years! Two different surgeries, many different doctors including my cardiologist! And all it took was a simple blood test. I am seething. Four years of not being able to have a proper life, not being able to have friends round, not getting new friends because I haven't been able to keep to any arrangements made, getting depressed because I have had to stay in a lot of the time, not even getting my doggie out regular.

I have told them time and time again what I was feeling like. My old cardiologist, who was lovely and who I trusted completely (now retired) always asked if I was swelling up or out of breath. I wasn't, at the time but told him that if ever I was, then I would inform medical staff. I did, for four years! And no one has done a bloody thing about it. Is this negligence? How do I go about finding out what is in my hospital medical notes?

I am, of course, glad that this doctor ordered the blood test and that now it will get sorted out. But I had even seen him before about it too. I have to double my water tablets until Thursday and then go and see him. He is arranging an echocardiogram for very soon and we will take it from there. At least now I know what is causing the problems and can take it easier until I have treatment/surgery. I do wish my son was here now with me. I'd give anything for a son hug right now. I could have carried on and just gone, it doesn't bear thinking about.

If anything does happen anytime, I love you all, and I thank you all for your help over the time I have been on here. I hope I am around for many years to come yet. I've had some poo flung my way over the years, this is just another poo time to get through.

Any jokes or funny stories to help me through would help. Wobbly are you listening? You are good at jokes and lightening the mood. Grapes will be needed in abundance should surgery be on the cards. Xxx