Malnutrition

Anker, no her husband does not blame her, he like me know the real person .

Her daughters are angry with her but I believe anger is easier to cope with than feeling abandoned by one's mother, her son the eldest, tells his sisters how caring she was and what fun to be with. The girls have endured her being in court on a drunk driving charge plus other actions which has caused them embarrassment , this is a small town .

She is a Christian.

Mumofmadboys, I know of Christian counselling but I find confession helps me .

Grannypiper, I will ring the chemist tomorrow

Annie my heart bleeds for you, and is full of respect for your strength in helping with your DD's family. Please do not blame yourself for not seeing her dilemma earlier, or for being angry when she left rehab. It reads as though she still has a lot of love and concern about her family (including yourself) despite being in that dark place. It must be so worrying that she is alone with no structure to her day.

I have experienced healthcare staff seeing only the surface problems and not the underlying cause of them, in this case depression, and can appreciate your anger with them. I understand with depression that that single glass of wine, that makes you feel relaxed and good about yourself, can easily lead to needing more and more to find your only friend at the bottom of each glass or bottle.

Little and often seems to be the way with rebuilding nutrition levels - don't forget your own as well though

Annie,

I'm really sorry to say this, but I think you need counselling too. Please don't take that as a criticism.

I've read your responses and I can imagine my own mother saying the same.

Please obliterate words like 'blame' or 'guilt' from your vocabulary.

I'm not going to post any more on this thread, but I'm happy to respond to messages.

I keep coming back to this
She is caught in a vicious, dangerous circle and needs help to break a chain in the circle

I agree with you.

The rest of you seem to be coping remarkably well in the circumstances.
Sounds like whatever emotions the rest of you are feeling are very normal.

So glad she doesnt seem to have lost her faith.
The Bible way with guilt and being a christian, is if she has done anything wrong[and she may not have, the drink took hold], is to say sorry and ask God and people to forgive her.
If people were not to forgive her, that then becomes their problem and not hers.

Dear Anniebach, you must be exhausted. No matter what age our children are we want to be able to solve their problems and feel guilty when we struggle. I am so glad you say you have God. In the last months of my husband's life I could not pray and 2 years later I still find it difficult except when I'm in church. Have you talked to your minister, priest, vicar? Our rector was wonderful and very good at asking me things that made it easy to talk. She works a lot in the local hospice. If you can talk to them they might have ideas you haven't thought of.
On a lighter note, would your daughter enjoy helping you make the ice lollies? It might encourage her appetite, it would be something to discuss and she would be helping you and not just be a passive part of everything.
I do hope things improve soon.

Annie not for the first time I wish I had a magic wand to fix things for someone who was tricked by alcohol into thinking it was their friend. You have done everything anyone could do, as has your son in law. In fact I think you have done more than many would or could have. Please don't blame yourself in any way, your love for your daughter shines through, your grandchildren are thriving in spite of the circumstances. It's so hard when we can't make things right for someone we love deeply. I'm no nutritional expert but the thoughts of others seem spot on to me, high calorie versions of everything, but small quantities so not to overwhelm. I am very disappointed there isn't more direct input being offered to your daughter, the alcohol/depression cycle is well known and my belief is until mood can be stabilised it's really hard for anyone to have the strength to be really motivated to manage an alcohol addiction. It's a shame the group therapy was impossible for your daughter, would she consider individual therapy, perhaps with a specialist counsellor or even via a CPN? I understand that you experience great support from your faith which is good to hear as it's so important that as a carer you also receive care. I'm so sorry things are so difficult, with this worry and your house move you must be exhausted. X

Ankers, you are right on forgiveness , I did find verses in your kink I had forgotten, thank you. I do think my emotions are what most mothers would have, I would be the happiest person in the world if my daughter would heal, she and her daughters get to know each other again, i could leave this world a happy bunny , I know she and her husband still care for each other even though they live seperate lives , there has been no divorce , she refuses to agree to the family home being sold , she says it's the children's home, their place of safety to return to no matter where their careers take them.

Cloe, yes I am exhausted , the house move and my dsughter being in hospital , at least she was safe there ,

I am blessed I have close friends who are priests.

One of my nephews has taken my daughter to his home for a week, gives me time to do more unpacking and he is a Quaker so she will find peace with him .

Everyone has been so kind , thank you seems so inadequate to express what all your support has meant to me , from ice lollies to smoothies to eels , I thank you all

Anniebach I so admire your courage to be able to talk so openly about your daughter's troubles. We love and trust our children which can make us both aware of little changes in them and also unable to see changes that go against the grain.

Sometimes it is not only finding food to appeal to the non-eater but also to make it look pretty. When I cared for my uncle who wasn't eating I would put food on a tray with a tray cloth, pretty china, and even though he thought himself uninterested in how things looked. he did eat more when it was well presented.

Could you eat with her? That can also increase intake.

Annie, it's good to see the love and care being sent to you by other gransnetters. Some of us have direct experience of a loved one developing alcohol dependence. That chicken and egg thing about did the depression/anxiety push the loved one into drinking too much or did the alcohol cause the depression is a roundabout many will be familiar with.
You must be physically and emotionally exhausted with events around your daughter and your own house move. Al anon is the organisation that helps relatives, they have a dedicated phone line run by people whose relatives have become dependent on alcohol. It's easy for us to say don't blame yourself but I'm going to say it again. You are a loving mother, grandmother and friend. It's a testament that you have a proper relationship with your son in law and grandchildren. One of my close friends was guilt stricken because she hadn't realised her adult daughter was drink dependent. The guilt was exacerbated when a family meeting took place at the rehab centre, at which her granddaughter, then aged 15 expressed huge anger towards her mum.
Try and rest your mind Annie and do stop yourself ruminating on what you could/should have done differently. You have always done your best and you will continue to do so.
I do hope the community alcohol services are able to offer some kind of support. The GP may help with advice on diet. sending love x

I second mûnica's post. Different circumstances but my brother was dying and losing weight . The local hospice had some excellent ideas about adding powdered milk to cream soups and in this day and age of low fat everything they recommended small quantities of full fat milk etc. I found those small coffee cups with soup or rice pud or a shot glass of trifle was eaten and I could give quite a lot of food in very small quantities five times a day rather than have food left three times a day. Also frying bacon seems to wake the senses and a pot of broth or Jewish mums chicken soup quietly simmering inspires a little interest. God bless.

MOnica, I speak out because many years ago I had severe post natal depression, I spent a little time in a mental hospital, it was a taboo subject for a long time after then women started to speak out . Same when AIDS exploded on the world, I remember visiting an elderly lady who had stopped going out, she was missed in church, she had become incontinent and was ashamed to speak of it.

My lovely daughter didn't choose to be an alcoholic ,it is an illness and I think probably the one illness which still causes lack of empathy and understanding. I know my daughter and know she would want to do anything to help others affected by this illness .

And in return I have received such kindness here .

Iam, I send you my gratitude and my love X

annie does a nice warm bed and hot toddy beckon? And even a good book.

Annie, take heart in the knowledge that you and yours will be in many Gnetters prayers tonight and many nights to come

Annie, what a remarkable woman, mother and grandmother you are. I'm filled with admiration. Your love and pride just shine out from your words and we can see that whilst your heart may be breaking, there is plenty of hope. I'm glad you have a strong faith to give you the reserves you need right now.

I was once suffering from what was termed clinical starvation as a result of an undiagnosed condition and on Ensure for a long time. I found the vanilla the most palatable but the savoury ones quite unpleasant. She doesn't have to take the whole amount at once, but can sip it through the day. It can be warmed up and added to drinks like hot chocolate. At one stage I was even on toddler food. I think the old fashioned idea of food for the convalescent will build up her strength. Soups and milk puddings, mashed egg if she likes eggs and can stomach them, and as others have said, bananas are a complete food. Tiny amounts, tiny steps a day at a time and you will get her there.

Would she listen to relaxation/meditation CDs? I had acupuncture to boost the immune system and the occasional massage.

From your posts I read that life has dealt you some severe challenges over the years and you have risen above them every time. Your love for your daughter will carry you both through this. Don't forget to look after Anniebach!

Night, God bless. xx

M0nica mentioned eating together which may help her increase the amount she takes in gradually as eating becomes less of a chore and more enjoyable in company

Do you have a local branch of AA?
I know it is difficult for an alcoholic to acknowledge that they have a problem, they could offer the help and support she needs if she will go.

I do think the GP should be made aware and be more proactive.
Alcohol depresses the nutrients you can obtain from food and perhaps a course of good vitamins is needed as well.

Look after yourself too

Ginny, just a Mum and Grannie doing what everyone here would do, thank you and night,God Bless.

Jalima ,we do have a local AA branch , perhaps she will attend , I will go with her if she wishes.

Gosh, you should all see my list of foods since I asked for your help and a list of your suggestions too

A very devoted Mum and Granny

Hi Annie I'm so sorry to read this thread. There is lots to be encouraged about, your SIL sounds so sane and understanding, your grandchildren are doing well, a nephew is looking after your daughter.

As others have said, perhaps add spoonfuls of cream or butter to anything that she will eat.

As for the AA meetings, she should go to as many different meetings as possible until she finds one she enjoys. (I'm sure you know all this).

It must be the hardest thing in the world to have a child who is alcohol dependent.

Sending you love x

annie morning! How are you?

Good morning whitewave. I am ok, worried but am getting on with sorting things in the house. Thank you

How is your daughter Annie? Any better? xx

Hello there Annie
thinking of you and your daughter. Do try and look after yourself , it's not easy with the anxiety about your daughter's health at the same time as your move.

Thank you for asking.

She is back in the hospital , I am praying a bed at our cottage hospital will become available and she can come back here to recuperate and have regular contact with support workers. I am so afraid she will be discharged again, she is so weak one of her cousins visited her at the weekend, had to take her to the shop in a wheelchair ,

I know this will show how stupid I am, what does one make a smoothie in? I don't use kitchen appliances, never have

Annie - I'm not sure you can make a smoothie without a kitchen appliance. We have a local buy sell and swop Facebook page where its possible to post if you need something like that, often someone can pop up offering one free or for a nominal fee.
You can buy smoothies at any supermarket which might be the cheaper way of testing out whether your daughter will drink them x