Malnutrition

Thinking of you Annie and your daughter. It is no one's fault. These things happen. You can help by loving her and helping with the practicalities of life. As you know there is no quick fix. You will have this problem with you for a long time so try and remember it's a run and not a sprint. Take care of yourself too and try and take setbacks in your stride. Love and prayersxx

Such helpful suggestions and kind words , thank you all, I felt so helpless , she knows how much I love her

How far away from you does your daughter live, Annie? Is it going to be difficult to visit often, or could you have her staying at yours for a bit? (although I realise the house isn't shipshape yet!).

What about her children, can they help out?

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, Anniebach. It must be utterly heartbreaking.

As others say, hospital-prescribed liquid foods would be a start and I'd hope they will provide you with some guidance. There's also Complan and the like, available from chemists and shops. I'd go carb and fats heavy, so full-fat everything, milk, butter, cheese. Custards and milk puddings are easy to make (if you have a slow cooker, it makes a wonderful rice pudding). Lots of potatoes, bread, biscuits and cakes, too. She might need to eat little and often to begin with, if she is unused to eating full meals - a bit like weaning a baby from a milk diet to solid foods.

My best wishes to you both.

The whole thing of being an alcoholic is awful - for the family as well as those afflicted. Is she living alone or does she have help etc - days are very long on your own.
My first OH became an alcoholic and it does so much damage - but one of the things I found was that you have to get used to the fact that the person concerned will not sbe cured unless the motivation comes from within themselves. That was the hardest lesson I had and for years I looked for other things being the cause or remedy.
Is she being given ant-abuse or similar - with that you have to watch them take it although that in itself can become a bone of contention.
Does she like things like jelly? If she will eat it made with milk it will be more nutritious too. Good luck with all of this - it is bad enough with a husband but must be absolutely awful seeing a child like it.

Does she drink fizzy drinks? I know they're truly evil, but they're good for putting on weight/maintaining weight.

When I was pregnant (both times) I was losing weight and the consultant said I wasn't getting enough sugar. I had cravings for full sugar Coca Cola, but had resisted. The doc said my body knew what it wanted. It was all a bit complicated, because I'm diabetic, but it did the trick and I stopped losing weight.

PS. Does she like bananas? They're full of carbs, especially mashed up with sugar and milk and quite scrummy.

I hope she's getting some support from the community psychiatric service. If not, could she be persuaded to accept it? The only other thing I can suggest is trying to keep her busy, even if she upsets you.

PPS. My father was and one of my sisters is an alchoholic. It breaks my heart not to be able to do anything.

I think she needs more help than she is getting at present. Can she see another GP than the one who set her on this path?

Little and often of high calorie food together with those Ensure drinks (if she can tolerate them, they aren't the nicest).
I am trying to remember what MIL had - went into hospital at about 11 stone and lost so much weight she was sent for convalescence to build up her strength, I think it was the Ensure.
Unfortunately there are no convalescent homes nowadays.
Bengers Food was one which my DM used to enjoy too when she couldn't eat but I'm not sure if it is available now.
Adding milk to soups adds extra calories.

Can she get prescriptions for the nutritional drinks etc as they could cost quite a lot.

Best wishes to you both and her family

I agree with Jalima. If she's still depressed, she should be being treated. It's all very well sayingthat she needs to want to treat herself, but I know from bitter experience that a genuinely depressed person can't do anything. It's a horrible feeling, because you want to do something but just can't - I don't really know how to describe it. You need somebody to coax you firmly - somebody who's pretty thick skinned, because you'll hate them for it.

If she hasn't been prescribed anti-depressants, she could very well benefit, although they take a bit of time to work.

Agree with daphnedill too.
Hence my post of 10.53am

She takes anti depressants but as alcohol is a depressant she isn't benefitting from the medication. She has seen the mental health team. With so many now suffering from mental health illnesses she is dismissed as self inflicting her problems , true , but she cannot forgive herself for leaving her husband and children . Yes she lives alone so no structure to her day , she is in such a dark place mentally . I have explained to her many times it is the alcohol which is cutting her off from the world , she has tried in the past, a year ago I finally got her into a rehab centre , I hounded everyone from the GP to the Welsh Assembly for funding. She did well for eight weeks but then came the time to explore the true reasons for drinking, she couldn't cope with group therapy or with her guilt so discharged herself, I was so angry , it took several years to get her there. She then would only contact me by text or telephone, I feel guilt for being angry with her but the whole extended family were supporting her , she is the favourite niece and cousin. If only she could let go of her guilt

You have my sympathy too, Annie. Having had alcoholics in our family.
Not much to add to what others have written except that alcohol abuse eventually destroys the stomach lining so she can probably only face and digest bland foods.
It might seem strange, but over-ripe bananas are easy to digest.
Mash up, maybe microwave briefly, eat with a spoon.
Prayers for you both.

Oh I'm so sorry, it must be so hard for you with moving as well and it sounds as if you've very little support. Could you contact her GP and ask for some help like community nurses to visit or a social worker? Could they suggest a local group? I know it's hard to help people if they choose not to accept it but that doesn't help you.

How about some full fat porridge with fruit? Fruit smoothies are good if somebody can't eat as it keeps up their nutrients. There's lots of recipes online. I really hope things improve.

DD I was referring to the alcohol abuse and wanting to do something about it - not depression which I thought was a chemical imbalance. Either way it is a sad situation and I have sympathy with both of them.

Do not be angry with yourself Annie. If it happened to another person you know you would pick up the signs more quickly, because you've seen them before. But when you've never come across alcoholic behaviour before it is impossible to realise what is happening the first time. Same with drugs and gambling. These people become very devious and expert at denial.

It's not just your daughter who needs support. What is your own support system like? Who is there for you?

I'm not disagreeing with you Welshwife. It just seems to me that the depression is the root of the problem and the original cause of the alcoholism.

I couldn't agree with Anya more. If you can afford it, it might be useful for you to see a counsellor - just to let off steam and tell the counsellor about your worries.

Please don't be angry with yourself or with your daughter. It's hard, but something I learnt about dealing with depression (my own) is not to be judgmental. I've tried to remove 'blame' from my vocabulary. Things happen, but there's no point blaming, because the only way is the future.

When I've been in a very dark place, I've blamed myself for the situation. I became hyper-sensitive about letting people down and not hitting my own targets. I had to learn that tomorrow really is another day.

The alcohol won't cancel out the effect of the anti-depressants. Some will make her feel quite ill, but most will make the effect of alcohol stronger, so she feels drunk more quickly. I have/had two alcoholic family members. I began to realise I was 'self medicating' on alcohol, which was why I stopped drinking alcohol completely. I suppose I was lucky, because I realised very early what was happening. ADs won't solve any problems, but they can lift your mood enough to allow you to start solving the problems yourself.

This is the time for unconditional love, which is going to bloody tough, but don't blame yourself if it's not enough and get all the help you can. xx

PS. And don't forget to come back here to let off steam or have an online cry. I'm sure we understand where you're coming from.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position. Regarding the food, when my husband was very ill, he didn't like the prescribed liquid food but would eat soup or the mini pots of custard or rice pudding.

Daphne, three phyciatrists plus A A has told me alcohol is a depressant and will lessen the effect of antidepressants, also my daughter has had my unconditional love since I fell in love with her the minute she was born, but I have three grandchildren and hsve co parented with my son in law for seven years, one got through university with a first in economics , the second is in her second year st university and the third has her A'levels this year. When my dsughter left their home my grandsughters asked me to protect them from being taken to the nurture room for counselling, I did and even though they had to cope with their mother leaving and their father just a month later having a five month cancer scare I have been told by the school the three are well adjusted , very bright happy people. Unconditional love Daphne, my daughter asked me to take over the upbringing of her children as she had been brought up by me a one parent family and I have kept my promise

Oops sorry, and Daphne I have no need for a counsellor, I have God and some caring and sensible advice from those who have posted today.

You have done well in very difficult circumstances, Annie. I'm sure your grandchildren are as proud of you as you are of them. I hope your daughter recovers.

Christians benefit from counselling too Annie! You may be able to have a Christian counsellor but it sounds as if you don't want this at present. I hope you have some close friends you can be honest with. How fantastic that your GC have done so well despite ups and downs in family life.

Guilt
Does her husband blame her or hold things against her?
Do her children?

This is very personal stuff so not sure how much you want on here.

Is she a christian like yourself?

I am sending you this, but not at all sure how appropriate it is

www.openbible.info/topics/guilt

I'm so glad your grandchildren have done well, you've done brilliantly with them and it's nice you're close to them. Perhaps have a word with the chemist and see if there's anything your daughter could have as a meal replacement.

Annie its a bloody dark place for the whole family, i cant even begin to imagine how tough each day must be for all of you.
You say your DD eats ice lollies, try making ice lollies with angel delight and either jersey milk or full fat milk, i know its not much but every calorie counts.
When my sister was ill and not eating much we used Metatone, its a tonic from the chemist, you are supposed to dilute it but she used to just have a spoonful followed by a glass of water as its horrible if you mix it.
Regards
GrannyP[FLOWERS]

There is Alcoholics Anonymous for the person and there is a family organisation too - they may be of help to you. I forget the name of the group but someone here will probably know. It might relieve you and/or give you some ideas of the way to go to speak if you people with similar experiences.