Nothing left to give...

I think you need to step back and realise that: you are not indispensable, nobody is, and replacing/supplementing you in the workplace is not your problem, it is your employer's; if you want things doing 'your way', then do it yourself; recognise that the floor not being swept right now is fine. The perfectionist OCD helper-controller looks very different if you live with one. I grew up with one - I learned from my mother that cleaning was more important than me, that what other people thought was more important than integrity, and that no amount of air-freshener can shift the whiff of burning martyr. Do you want to have those close to you view you in this way? Probably not. Embrace the fact that the world doesn't need you, that you are not important (nobody is) and get on with learning how to be content in a world of imperfection. By the way, the husband might be responding to nagging with indolence - it is what I do. Ask me, and I will do it. Nag me, and I will deliberately drag my heels. And with cleaning domestic stuff, it can wait if I am going something more interesting - why is that a problem?

Good idea Marionk. You work for the nhs and they have very good supportive services for staff. Use them like others do.

Sorry op you are going to have to let someone else "organise you"

Having seen first hand how stressful it is working in the NHS just now I think you are amazing without all the other pressures you are taking on. It's difficult to let go, when the way we function is often "hard wired" from childhood but it has come to a head for you where you feel burnt out and know you can't go on like this - you are only human after all. Be kind to yourself. Try and talk things through with a trusted friend (or counsellor) to help you sort things out in your head and decide on survival strategies. Something has to change and you may just need a bit of help in sorting out what. Big hugs.

I think the solution can only come from you. Your work isn't going to ask you to do less, and neither is your husband in any way which means he will take some of the burden.. look at your situation as a 'problem' (which it is) and use your solving skills to improve it.

glammygranny tears pricked at the back of my eyes when I read your posts ......

So I'm not going to repeat the advice others have given you. As to your OH, some men are partners in every sense of the word. For others my experience is that they are thoroughly spoilt and seem to have no shame in doing literally nothing!

Explore your options. Just don't wait until it's too late. You deserve more x

Occupational Health should be able to help

What would your daughter do if you rang her and said that you were having a crisis?
You are doing more than you can cope with and if you carry on something has to give and it will be your mental or physical health or both.
However close you are to your friends and however much you want to help, you cannot give more than you have to give in terms of time and emotional energy.
The fact that your mother demands things does not mean that she is entitled to or can have them.
I don't think it is about caring too much so much as an inability to stand up for yourself and say no. Easier said that done but it takes practice if you are not used to it. Once you start, you will find it easier.

'I'd swap it all in the morning and live in a 1 bed apartment to have a peaceful mind.'

I'd begin by dumping the lazy thoughtless husband.

I worked in the NHS for 35 yrs before retiring. Feeling this level of responsibility to your job is a form of burn out. I have seen it so many times. It often happens where the person is good at their job and is expected to always be there, solving everything. This is how the NHS functions now, relying on good will and dedication. This is blunt, but I always used to say (to people I knew well) if you died tonight the service will carry on, no one is indispensable. You do need to look after yourself first take care

This was me once had to have a handle on everything but to the detriment of my health. Only advise is something has to give, cos even tho you say you can't go part time at work if you get ill with stress you won't be fit to work at all, then how will they cope. Write a list of jobs for hubby to do if they are not done then tell him your getting a cleaning as he's not helping.

Following on from radicalnan, if your 'poor' husband is feeling neglected, point out that having a cleaner in will free you up to spend more time with him! The get the cleaner in ASAP, you really need it.

My response to 'what's for dinner?' would have been 'whatever you choose to make will suit me fine'. No argument, no visit to the supermarket. See the outcome and respond selfishly if necessary.

I wonder if husband feels you have more time for others than you do for him at the moment...........my ex once said that to me and he was right of course. I would tell him he is on duty every other day with domestic chores or a cleaner comes in and he can pay. The things you are having to cope with won't go on forever will they, although others thing invariably crop up, you need a strategy to survive them.

Great advice from Nanabilly and Synonymous.

Reading this, I fear for your health. You could be heading for something serious, if you can't unload some of the responsibility.

Tell your line manager that you need some Compassionate Leave, or whatever the NHS has. Pack in the job altogether, if needs be, your health and sanity are more important.

Arrange whatever paid work is needed in and outside the house. If your DH is miffed, too bad.
And don't do anything at all for him, laundry, meals, anything.

No-one is going to rescue you from this horrendous situation, you have to put some rescues in place for yourself.
Please try to do that.

I'd dumped the lazy husband if I were you glammy. I don't think you are controlling and I think you don't have the energy to have a demanding job, be supportive of those of your friends and family in need and have the weight of your idle, uncaring husband.

I wouldn't be paying for a cleaner, I would be paying for a removalist.

Glammygranny I recognise this so well as it was me once. This is just a simplistic outline of what happened to me without going into too much detail. I worked myself into the ground resulting in a stroke which meant I could do nothing at all. Had to close the business and had to move home. We lost so much just because I had acted like superwoman and when I started to feel I couldn't do it any more I couldn't find the door marked exit so fell through a large hole. Be warned! People will use you until you are of no further use and then they will find someone else without a second thought for you. It is just the way of the world I'm afraid. Get yourself a cleaner and an accountant to take on the financial needs and blow anyone who continually says they will do the job and doesn't deliver. Most of all take a holiday and take a good look at your life. Decide what it is worth sacrificing and changing to ensure that you actually live to retirement and preferably get there in as healthy a condition as possible to allow you to enjoy a rich and fulfilling retirement. There is some good advice in this thread so I hope that you will take it on board and not sacrifice yourself unneccessarily.

Give the husband a list of jobs including deciding what is for dinner and getting something out of freezer if needed. If he does not do it then he gets no dinner...and don't you dare do it when you get in , make yourself a sandwich if you have to but don't do him one. After a couple of days he will know you mean it and do as you have asked.
As for being overwhelmed with everything going on around you then I was in the same place this time last year with mil in a care home with dementia and a husband in complete denial of it and saying she will get better and come to live with us...not on your nelly I said or I'm off!. My niece had a poorly prem baby and a sister being diagnosed with lung cancer .it was all Just too much and I burst into floods of tears to a nurse at my gp surgery and she fetched my gp in .so embarrassing, it was a real snot fest. Gp wanted to put me on anti depressants but i refused but since I had my meltdown I felt much better. Suppose I just got it off my chest. Hope you get through your problems and worries soon but you seem to be under a lot of pressure with no help from hubby . Make him be more useful ,it's because you have let him get away with not doing things and done them yourself that he's like it. Write him that list for tomorrow and don't do it yourself if he does not do it Just add it to the next days list and let him see you mean it.

Breda i agree that would be a brilliant idea. You are working so hard, hand over the housework to someone else and if your OH objects to someone coming in to do it and payment for the work then tell him to get of his backside and do it himself !!!! Just knowing you can forget those jobs would make the world of differnece to you. Your OH has absolved himself of any responsibilities so you must sort out something that will help YOU. Good luck.

I can see both sides of this.

You are clearly a very organised person who likes to see things done "properly" - I put that in inverted commas because one person's properly is another's OCD!

I imagine that you find it hard to let things go and just let stuff ride for a bit - I have no such problem; quite the opposite!

I would strongly suggest some CBT - it really does help and might move you into a position where you can let go of things a bit and not need to be in control.

If OH is a lazy wotsit, then just stop doing things for him. He only relies on you totally because you let him default from using his own brain!

Truly there is a "social worker mentality" - I know it well - that says that you always have to be the helper and it is hard to stand back and let others work their own problems out, or point them in the direction of someone who can help. Your life has value even when you are not helping others - a hard lesson for some.

You need to be ready to let go of some of the control before you can solve this situation where you are feeling so drained. You need a brain shift - it is very seductive to feel indispensable!

Maybe the "work you" who needs to be fiendishly efficient and reliable should change into a "home you" who can relax and let a few things drift by. Is a clean floor really so important? - might the occasional takeaway or ready meal be a good thing?

I am constantly telling my DD she must learn to say No sometimes; or to count to 10 before she let's the words "I will do it" escape from her mouth!

All this will only get on top of you if you let it - set some priorities. Not all your commitments are as important as each other and making a detailed list of what is essential will help to order them.

And sit down and talk to OH? - quietly and outside of a grumble! - just say it is all getting on top of you. Would that work?

Good luck with getting some balance and peace in your life.

I guess you know you are close to cracking. Then you will be no use to these lame ducks you are caring for. You are one person and there are still 24 hours in each day as far as I know. The time has come to pare down the commitments to something you can live with. - Assuming you are not a person who does actually love living with crisis (I have met some). For a few months you need to say NO to anything that is not IMPORTANT and URGENT. It gets easier with practice. And if your husband is job and dirt blind - you have to be too. ONLY clean things that directly affect your life. Sorry to lecture.

Hubby rang me just now to ask what's for dinner ^&*%& (my polite typed way of screaming). He was the one at home until midday but it never crossed his mind to take something out of the freezer. He's at work now so I will have to stop at the supermarket on the way home to pick something up. It's moments like this that make me want to blow my top. There is no way hubby would agree to a cleaning lady. We could afford it and I did mention it but was met with a look of total puzzlement. I said I want the house to a particular standard and I'm whacked running here and there. His response was to leave it and it will get done another time. I asked by whom? The fairies? I was promptly reprimanded for being cheeky! I see little point in not sweeping the floor now and leaving it until tomorrow. If it needs to be swept then it needs to be swept. When hubby does decide to clean the floors he acts like he needs a medal for doing so and is quite huffy that he's not thanked for doing so. I point out he lives here too so is not doing me a favour by cleaning the floors in his own home. Yesterday I was that exhausted after work that I flopped on the sofa after I came him. I was asked if I'd turned the oven on. Hubby had been putting up some shelves that I'd been nagging for these past 8 years but obviously not possible to pop to the kitchen and turn oven on and return to the shelves while the oven heated. I just find the least thing at the minute makes my blood boil and that's just not like me.

Would it help if you got someone in to help with housework/ironing or maybe even the jobs that need doing outside? Admittedly you will have to pay for their time etc., but it might mean that when you came home from work there wasn't a pile of ironing or dishwashers etc to empty. When things became too much for me some years ago I found a lovely lady who was able to help me around the house and she was a godsend. Perhaps having someone in to do the housework might make your husband more aware that he needs to pull his weight.

I do also think that you should consider taking up some form of relaxation or at the very least give yourself the opportunity to go for a decent walk a couple of times a week. I completely understand how this kind of a situation can arise and know how difficult it can become but as others have said you need to look after yourself as well as others.

Prioritise and if possible farm out the jobs that others can do to help you. A little help goes a long way.

If you ever have an hour or so to yourself I suggest you sit down and write a list of all the demands that are being made of you in the different parts of your life. Including how long each takes.
Then prioritise them.
Then decide how much time you can honestly spare without being worn out.
Then decide which can be or have to be deleted.
From what you write you need to work. As for a control thing, that rings a bell with me too. I can't bear to feel swamped .

glammygranny
Always remember: Don't rescue to the extent where you have to be rescued.
Then, your no good to yourself, or anyone else.
Many years ago I 'burnt out' because I thought only i could juggle all the balls in the air at the same time.
It happened at work and was really bad, and I was off work for some time, but guess what, the company didn't collapse and all the 'balls' had been shared out to other people.

Whilst you continue to do the same things then you will continue to have the same outcome. I do think you need to take up yoga or some sort of relaxation therapy to help relax your body and mind. It sounds as if a lot of people have become very dependent on you but I do think you need to step back a bit and sort your own life out first. Hubby isn't going to take up the slack it seems so you need to free up some of your own additional workload so ensure that things at home get completed. Your life can change but you have to be the one who instigates and enforces this change. If you don't sort this out you'll end up having a break down or burning out. You don't HAVE to be all things to all people. Perhaps you need some CBT to help you change your way of thinking to allow yourself to free yourself of your endless burdens and responsibilities of your current lifestyle.