Chronic illness and daughter's expectations of me!

Hi everybody
I keep reading through all your posts from beginning to end and I am finding a great deal of emotional and mental strength from your supportive advice and I feel your genuine concern for my wellbeing.
I would love to be able to respond to you individually as every one of your posts means a great deal to me and to be honest I am overwhelmed by your support.
Thank you all you lovely people

I too have a chronic illness which isn't improving so understand totally. You really do have to put yourself first which might appear 'selfish' to others but Soooooooo isn't. I'm in a situation where the slightest thing that raises my adrenaline be it good/bad totally wipes me out and after about 6pm I literally can't function and have to go to bed away from my family. This doesn't go down too well but if I don't I'm generally bedridden for a couple of days and develop migraines, nausea etc. We with a chronic illness cope as we can and I think you have been taken for granted ' Hugs' x

Sorry to hear about your health .You did a brilliant job helping her out for all those years free childcare .I know childcare is expensive but the ages the children are if they want a night out surely they can afford a babysitter .I am getting it from my daughter .I have an autoimmune disease which over the last 20years I have learnt to manage and keep working .I am 68 .I work sometimes as a Night Nanny as well as a weekend nanny .I look after my grandson who is 2on a Wednesday afternoon .She begrudges me working but I am sure if I worked in a different job there would be no problem .My husband's health has deteriorated and I spend a lot of time most weeks taking him to hospital appointments .I know next year she would probably have another baby so in a further years time she would go back to work but I will be 70 and plan to give up all work and not look after the baby on a regular basis .Is it wrong to have me time after working all those years and presumably my husband's health will only get worse .Her mother in law is 10 years younger which makes a lot of difference

p.s. It's normal to feel guilty in cutting someone out of your life in the beginning but it does get easier as your mood changes and you realise that life can be good again. Xxx

sunnym I really can relate to your story. Please do not waste any more of your valuable time and energy on your daughter. It takes a great deal of effort to do the smallest tasks when you are poorly so please concentrate on yourself above anyone now, even your grandchildren. I still saw my grandma when I had children and took them to visit her so there is no excuse for your grandchildren not to come and see you and make sure you are ok. This younger generation astounds me with its selfishness and attitude of high expectations of others but the entitlement of not making or giving time of themselves.

You need to take a huge step back from this situation and get your head focused on just you and getting a little better. Concentrate on the people who are helping you, giving of their time and smile with them. Do positive things for yourself, ask someone to paint your finger nails, put on some perfume (yes, it has often gone on my nightie these last few weeks) watch a funny programme or read a funny book, anything to distract and lighten your mood. You deserve better than you are getting right now.

My son once asked me why I still went to see my mother, stating that all she ever did was make me upset and sad. I said because she was my mother. He said "but she isn't ever going to change so you will always be upset and sad". He was about 10 at the time. He made sense. Still, it took me another few years before all contact was cut off and I am so much the better for it. I since listen to my son more.

When I told my daughter about 3/4 years ago about my upcoming heart surgery she just shrugged and told me it was something and nothing. I haven't had contact with her now for just over 3 years and again, I can do without people in my life who make it miserable, no matter who they are.

So please, think for yourself, keep posting on here, join in on other debates, get a blood test to check for any iron deficiency etc., enjoy your friends and cut out the negativity in your life, you don't need it. Take care love. Xxx

The thing that really shocks me is that you are talking about her "expectations". I know my children are always grateful when I can help with the grandsons but I don't think they ever "expect" it. I was recently talking to the 4 year old about what he wanted me to leave him when I die. He was busy going through my dresser deciding what he wanted. Your daughter still seems to be stuck at this stage - time for her to join the grown ups!

"use your energy for her benefit not your own" ....tell her to grow up; tell her you love her and the grandchildren but don't like her behaviour! Actually she is basically bullying you ...tell her enough is enough, tell her what you CAN manage and that th here is no point expecting more!

I do not have a carer. I live alone.
Unfortunately these health problems leave me so exhausted to even lift my head of the pillow most days. My main living area is my bedroom.
This relapse has lasted more than 12months of which I have had many over the past 15years. Mostly due to pushing myself to look after my grandchildren with absolutely no thanks from daughter.
I have 3 fantastic friends who understand and help meet with a few things.
A couple of months ago daughter told me she did not give a "f..k" how ill I was and that I should use my energy for her benefit not my own.
I told her that her attitude and behaviour was unacceptable.
I am going to use what energy I have to try and take care of myself. I did not see her for 2months. This is quite normal as she is not a regular visitor and I saw her only when she used to drop the boys off and pick them up.

Last week she turned up as it is now school holidays and she is packing for a 3week holiday abroad and wanted me to have the boys overnight at short notice whilst she packed and I said "no" that they could come for the afternoon. She works in a school part time so has generous holidays.

I thought I was doing a good job of taking care of myself and not putting pressure on others to help.

My experience has been over the years that very few people understand and even fewer actually care no matter who they are family or friends

My situation is what it is and no amount of mind over matter action will change that.

Sunny M, I am so glad you have the support of your friends and enjoying life your way. I am sorry to say this, your daughter is so selfish, everything is about her, you are obviously a very caring person and other people recognise this even if she doesn't. Have you decided where you will be going on holiday yet?
Nemoiudex, she has explained for years she is finding it too much to look after grandsons, whether she has a carer or not is irrevelent,, she cannot manage. Young children can be very demanding and with her health problems her daughter should be the one asking how she can help her mom, it sound as if keeping out of the way is her preferred choice.

I don't want to be judgmental without hearing her side of the story. You say you can't have the grandsons overnight but only for the afternoon because you can't get dressed, shower or make food for yourself. Does that mean you live with a carer, or a partner? Is your daughter asking something that is quite unreasonable and if so, is it because she isn't convinced that you can't have the grandsons overnight and sees it as a stubborn and unreasonable decision?

You are entitled to make the rules about how often you see your family, of course, and if they complain it would be sensible to discuss it properly and make sure they have understood your reasons. If your daughter simply won't see reason, try explaining to your son in law. Communication is the key, and sometimes people simply aren't listening to each other.

Your Daughter sounds very selfish in my opinion,what gives her the right to be angry at you. You have poor health,so it's time to put yourself first. Gosh I do hate it when AC act as though their so entitled.

Sorry to hear about your health problems x. If your daughter and her husband are not happy cos it interferes with "busy social life"maybe one of them should hire a childminder/babysitter instead of making you feel guilty. xx

Of course you must put yourself first, especially if it could help your health to improve.

Even if you were not ill, your daughter's attitude is very selfish.

Hi Everyone
I am so grateful for all of your support and advice.
I tried to post a lengthy reply this afternoon but it disappeared! ! and now i can't remember what I wrote!lol
I am so thankful to every of you for taking the time to answer and it means a great deal to me.
It also gives me confidence knowing that I am doing the right thing putting myself first.
You're a wonderful group of people and I am really happy to be here!

Sunnym, I'm so sorry to hear this and of your health issues. I have looked after my 3 grandchildren on endless occasions, despite working full-time. After a minor dispute with my son and daughter-in-law, I have been cut out of their lives. My daughter-in-law will not let me see the children and my son just goes along with it. As grandparents, we have no rights. I am heartbroken. If anyone has anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. I.

Your grandchildren sound lovely so concentrate on keeping in touch with them . I'm glad you have some good friends for you to spend time with . Enjoy your holiday.

I just wanted to say that I agree with all the posters who say that your daughter is being selfish, and that you need your own social life as far as your health will allow. No use telling your daughter that she may be in the same situation herself one day, I always find that the younger generation think it will never come to them. Perhaps if your daughter finds in later years that she needs help, she may remember with regret how she treated you when you needed her.

Sadly our children sometimes grow into unpleasant adults, adults who we probably would want nothing to do with if we were not their parents. As others have said, keep contact with your grandsons and get on with your own life. Maybe don't seek any contact with your daughter as it probably just causes you stress. She may come to you. Sadly, some adult children don't ?

The only consolation, when our children treat us badly, is that one day, God willing, they will be parents / grandparents themselves and will discover just how much it hurts when their children are thoughtless, be it intentionally or in error. x

I hope you're not leaving any inheritance to your daughter as she is so unappreciative. I'd bypass her and leave everything to your grandchildren!

sunnym I think you're doing everything right. You've faced up to the selfishness of your DD and you're keeping in touch with your DGSs. Good for you! Thank goodness for your lovely, loyal friends. I hope things improve health wise and that you have a fantastic holiday!

I just want to say how I would have loved a mum like you! Your daughter has no idea how blessed she is and I find it so sad for you she is behaving so poorly - could another family member talk to her?

I'm sorry you have these serious health problems. I think a lot of adult children expect us to base our lives around giving free childcare but this is usually when we are quite fit and well. I am quite shocked at your daughter's attitude given your health. You need to look after yourself and I'm sure your grandsons will stay in touch.

sunnym so sorry to hear that your health is affected and good to hear that you have wonderful supportive friends.

You say some things that might mean you have help from Social Services? Do you have a social worker - if so, you may be able to ask them if they could speak with your daughter about her behaviour.

Under Safeguarding guidelines, it is not ok to bully a disabled relative, nor to exclude them just because they are ill or disabled. Or to put pressure on them or their resources.

Good luck.

I think your message " if l take some time for me l have a good chance of improvement " , excuse me if l got it wrong , says it all really. Hope you get the time to look after yourself and enjoy your friends who sound great . I'm sure your daughter and grandchildren realise how much you love them, you sound an amazing lady??