Chronic illness and daughter's expectations of me!

So sorry to hear about your health problems sunnym life must be hard for you at the moment.
I think you have given your daughter every opportunity to adapt to your changed circumstances, now it's time to think of yourself, organise some help, see what is out there for people in your position. There must be others out there who can offer support. You can keep in touch with your grandsons by e-mail and Skype but don't let your daughter's attitude spoil your life any more.

Hi ChristineFrance
Thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate it.
I agree with you entirely and I have been putting things in place to help me.
I have a cleaner, and 3 fantastic friends who have accepted my situation and area really helpful.
We are planning a holiday for next year where they take me in my wheelchair and that is my goal.
I do keep in contact with grandsons via FaceTime and iMessage(iPad). They are actually really understanding about it as they have only known me like this.

Hi Sunnym,
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.?
I cannot say what I would like to say about your uncaring daughter!
Make the time for yourself and your friends who have some understanding and compassion.

Hi rosesarered!
Thank you for your lovely message and taking the time to reply!
I agree I am going to make the time for me and my friends.
I have just turned 60 so I am still young in my head and I know that if I take the time to care for me i have a good chance of some improvement.

Sunny what a shame you are not getting the same level of care from your family that you have so freely given over the years some people just get very tied up in their own lives and get selfish to boot
Do have your holiday and enjoy some time with your friends and do keep your relationship with the lads on course Is there anyone in the family who can talk to the daughter and let her know just how poorly you have been and how she needs to now put your needs if not before her own at least more than she is doing
Lots of love and some ?

What a sad, sad situation for you your daughter needs her backside kicking in my humble opinion

I get so mad when anyone be it Grandparent/grown child or even the grandchild themselves, feel they can dictate the terms of those roles. Its all about a mutually agreeable relationship. There are no hard and fast rules, no 'job descriptions'. Sometimes a Grandparent feels they are not called upon enough and sometimes the grown-child seems to feel threatened and defensive. Sometimes its more like this OP where the grown-child sees their own parent as a free childcare provider and open ended support system.
Relationships are such nebulous things, they need careful nurturing and a whole lot of respect (that just might need to be earned).
Sunnym, you can only do what you can and no more. It does not stop you loving your children and grandchildren so do not feel guilty. Offer what you can and then just reiterate your health limitations, smile and leave them to it. All the best.

Oh my word you lot make me feel so lucky ,I really do feel sad for you when I read posts like this one . They make me count my blessings every single time I read them .
I can't offer any advice apart from make yourself number one and take care of yourself . Some people are just so selfish .

Sit your DD down and tell her exactly how it is. Hopefully she will then step up to the plate ( as they say ) If not you must concentrate on yourself. Good luck.

Hi everyone
Just a quick note to say Thank you for taking the time to reply and I really appreciate all your comments and advice. They are very much appreciated

Hello sunnym you sound lovely caring mother and grandmother.
Do you have another family member or close family friend that you could ask to speak to your daughter and explain your Heath issues and how it debilitates you .
I am pleased that you will have a holiday to look forward to.
You must try to have quality time to yourself

so sorry for the predicament you now find yourself in .

Agree with Roses on this one. Keep face timing your Grandsons, and get out there and have a life for yourself with your lovely understanding loyal friends.
Enjoy that holiday when you go, it will do you good. I wish you well.

What a selfish daughter you have..It's all about her and has no thought about you at all...its great that you have contact with your Grandson's and they sound more understanding than their mother is....you need to take care of you, enjoy your time and hold a with your friends

Hello Sunnym. It's good to meet you. I too shared this sort of treatment from 2 of my daughters after having cancer treatment. I was criticised extensively for not helping - we live 7hrs by car away from one and 4hrs by car from the other.

All I can say is keep being yourself. You sound a lovely caring person. Eventually my daughters have both calmed down and now are grateful for what we can do - but it has taken a few years.

You only have one life, so do those things that you want to do, can do and enjoy doing and, in my experience, friends are so lovely we need to value them! Much love to you!

Don't let it spoil the time you spend with your friends. Friends like that are like gold dust.
I wouldn't try to address it with your daughter as I have learnt from experience with family that you just then have to deal with the denial on top. I think you know what response you are likely to get and you have explained the situation.
Hopefully your grandchildren will soon be at the age when they will be able to make their own decision to visit you. Obviously some are better at this than others and if they don't it won't necessarily mean they don't care.

Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mother, you have done enough, enjoy taking time for yourself x

I am so glad that you have friends and a cleaner, you need some proper looking after, and lots of enjoyment.

Keep the contacts going with the GC but your daughter sounds like a selfish person and if she is not prepared to support you when you need help, I would just let contact with her dwindle to the bare minimum.

You have to make your own happiness in this life nd if she won't help with that, make it for yourself. I do so think that a decent cleaner is money well spent when energies are low.

Hard as it is, you must make time for yourself ..it seems you have given all you can for your daughter ..as an adult she should understand you now need to look after yourself, which doesn't mean cutting everything out entirely ....sadly I read about these circumstances so often I don't feel entirely bad that my own daughter has cut me off now for ten years ...at least I don't have the problems that many of my friends have in relation to childcare and other things not being appreciated or reciprocated in time for the grandparent !

I agree with all of the above.
So sorry you are having such a difficult time. Hope it gets better and you begin to enjoy life more.?

Jeez what a selfish brat your daughter is! So ironic that she wants time for her and her husband to have a social life but can't see that you are more than entitled to your own

I can't offer a solution. Simply wanted to say how sorry I am that you have become unwell and that your daughter seems unable to understand. Look after yourself and keep up contact with your friends x

I think your message " if l take some time for me l have a good chance of improvement " , excuse me if l got it wrong , says it all really. Hope you get the time to look after yourself and enjoy your friends who sound great . I'm sure your daughter and grandchildren realise how much you love them, you sound an amazing lady??

sunnym so sorry to hear that your health is affected and good to hear that you have wonderful supportive friends.

You say some things that might mean you have help from Social Services? Do you have a social worker - if so, you may be able to ask them if they could speak with your daughter about her behaviour.

Under Safeguarding guidelines, it is not ok to bully a disabled relative, nor to exclude them just because they are ill or disabled. Or to put pressure on them or their resources.

Good luck.

I'm sorry you have these serious health problems. I think a lot of adult children expect us to base our lives around giving free childcare but this is usually when we are quite fit and well. I am quite shocked at your daughter's attitude given your health. You need to look after yourself and I'm sure your grandsons will stay in touch.