I need to let go so I can sleep

A similar situation although it was a house that I didn't get a share of. I refused to fight for it, then again at the funeral I simply signed the piece of paper saying I made no claim on the assets. DH accepted it grudgingly because it was my family but I know he thinks I should have fought for what was my right. I didn't because I don't like confrontation. I don't know if I was right but I like to think they have it on their conscience still. At least I can look at myself in the mirror and know that the person looking back is honest.

Maybe his mum didn't feel well enough to sort things out in her last few years/months.
I think its a bit of a myth that terminally ill people have the energy to spend time putting their house in order before they slip peacefully away.
Just hope that the person emptying the account doesn't find happiness by spending someone else's money.

Loobs, I can't suggest how to let go as I would feel the same as you.
Did the sister do more caring for your MIL and so feel more entitled? Although that is not right, it would be understandable.

Loobs I am certain that this is such a common problem that the planet must be buzzing with people cogitating about similar. For example, my sperm donor father died and had left his three children some money in his will, but we discovered that his (deeply religious, Christian brother) had emptied my father's bank account over the course of the week before he died, visiting ATMs every day whilst sitting sanctimoniously praying at his brother's bedside in between. My sister got very upset about that.

My MIL died last year, her and I were close. She has 5 daughters and I am married to her only son. Her daughters are determined that I shouldn't have any of her jewellery, offered me a "will let you know what's left" option. I got very upset about it for a day or two and then I remembered that bitterness is like "you drinking the poison and expecting the other person to be affected" or something like that.

Let it go.

My first thought was for you to keep the money from the ISA, tit for tat.

Similar thing happened when my MiL died grannyknot. My DH has two sisters, they divided out all of her jewellery and valuables among themselves and their children. My DD and DS saw none of it. I was rather upset at the time, but decided that it didn't do any good worrying about it. Eventually a silver sugar sifted came to my DD.

I have always thought along the “old fashioned”lines that a mother’s jewellery should go to her daughters so I expected nothing from my MIL’s estate.
I was delighted when my sisters in law gave me her own mother’s engagement ring and a long string of pearls, plus our 3DDs were each given a piece.
Leaving one’s affairs in order it so important isn’t it?

How has the funeral and all associated costs been paid for?

There was a funeral plan in place but his sister has said that her mother told her to take £2,000 out of the bank with the card to pay for the wake. Just a few sandwiches at the local pub - cynical, moi !!!

Hilda that's a very good point, and from MawBroon's comment about the old-fashioned way of giving jewellery to (blood) daughters only, that what comes to the daughter "in-law" (but sometimes also in spirit) will eventually go to the grandchildren (bloodline).

It's a minefield.

I meant a daughter-in-law can also be a "daughter" in spirit, not only legally.

On the last occasion I saw my MIL before she succumbed completely to Alzheimer's (she was a Scot, not demonstrative at all) she held me tightly and with tears in her eyes said "Thank you for being my best daughter-in-law" and I thought "But I'm the only one!"

Memories are the best keepsake ...

What is your husband's view on his sister's behaviour? I think, in your situation, my anger would be directed at her, rather than your MIL who may have just thought her money would be divided equally between her offspring - lots of older people seem to think that's the case and therefore don't bother with a will.

I can't help on your legal problems, Loobs, but for helping to sleep - my doctor suggested a homeopathic remedy, coffea cruda, which has helped me a bit (we're having a difficult time with a house move.)
You can get it online, various strengths.
I'm sceptical about homeopathy, but it does seem to soothe
my overactive mind at night.

I thought bank accounts were frozen on death of the account holder. Does the bank know?

Yes I think so too mollie, unless it’s a joint account, when the other named on the account can still use it.

It is not a joint account but we don't have the info to deal with bank, there could be several accounts I guess. Not sure we could just phone and say freeze the account/s as we haven't got the death certificate etc. Maybe that's part of the annoyance I feel, the complete lack of control over anything to do with this. Heyho, funeral in 2 weeks will be interesting.

loobs if you don't have the details how can you be sure she is taking the money? Could it all be a misunderstanding?

I am sure your DH could phone the bank and tell them, I did when DS died and they froze it straight away.

Perhaps you shouldn't feel you need to 'control' anything, isn't that up to your DH?

It is indeed a common problem - we had the same with a sis-i-l who had screwed money (a lot!) under false pretenses out of a parent before he died; then got to the funeral early and made off with the belongings that they wanted before anyone else could get a look in.

We were left holding the baby so to speak when she ratted out on her Dad and what had been agreed in return for the money. He finished up homeless - guess where he finished up? - yup, with us! OH is more sanguine about it than I am - probably because I was the one who finished up sorting out the mess that was left! She has plenty dosh now and has properties that she lets!

I try to smile when we meet - more of a !

But you have to let it go - harbouring a grudge is very stressful.

Loobs you can phone the bank to have the account frozen my daughters had to do this when their Nan died recently ,the bank did as asked without any proof of death.

Luckygirl you are so right, I do need to let it go and that's the point - it isn't doing me any good. Nonnie she has said that the money is hers as she was putting (hiding) some in the account which may be true but my DH shouldn't have to just take her word for it? That's what bank statements are for but she won't let us have them - this is where the problem comes in, to carry on or just roll over and give in?Fennel I may well try your suggestion, I looked on Amazon and, like you I am very sceptical about homeopathy but.....

Loobs go and talk to the CAB or a solicitor. from the amount left, it seems likely that they legally needed to get probate, so their actions could be criminal.

I’m sorry for your loss Loons: a difficult time made harder. We had a different but similar enough experience. All I can advise is for your husband to get advice, for you both to understand what should and shouldn’t happen then come to a joint decision about arguing or not. At some point you will need to put this behind you or it will eat away, please don’t let it upset you any more than it must.

Anyone reading these stories should take note and draw up a will. I couldn't think of anything worse than my family falling out after I had gone, all because i couldnt be bothered to put my ffairs in order!!! We experienced the heartache when my MIL diedand my DH hads never recovered from what his brother and sister did to him. It has left a very bitter taste in his mouthh and led to his complete estrangement from his siblings. His poor mum would turn in her grave if she knew what happened.

The same thing happened to my DH. His signature was on MIL's bank account and when he and his brother went to sort out his mothers affDH's signature off the account and add hers, without telling him. SIL then changed the locks on the doors when MIL was in hospital and emptied the house of everything , as MIL never came home from hospital.
My husband and brother are now estranged from their siblings. We weren't looking for any money or goods, it was the fact his mother had betrayed him like that. DH (the eldest of eight) and his brother didn't get as much as a family photograph. MIL wasn't really capable of making decisions like that. It is a horrible situation.