Am i going mad.

I'm 74 and certain swear words I can not stand but I do know occasionally in later life people who have never used foul language before can start using it, I do hope I never do but with age can come change and some which you do not expect.

I agree with what everyone says. You need to define some boundaries to protect your own sanity and keep your contact with her as brief ( but regular) as possible. If she doesn't like her cup of tea or meal just say that it's the only one you're prepared to make and walk away out of the room i.e. remove the audience (you). She'll either eat it or not, her choice, but eventually she will realise she can't be so controlling if you stay firm and keep repeating this behaviour. If you have been changing things to suit her every time she complains then you have been guilty of perpetuating the behaviour, I'm afraid.

Only engage with her when she says something nice and when she's being more sociable then give her your full attention and tell her how much you care about her but refuse to take her shopping because you are embarrassed by her swearing. Get as many voluntary services in as you can so you have more time off. Does she have any friends or relatives who could visit occasionally. Can her doctor visit her at home and do an assessment and tell her she can't do heavy gardening any more but suggest a gardener could make some high troughs so she doesn't have to bend and she could potter around them.

How are her finances? She could get hot meals delivered.

You will have to put yourself first Ethel. Step back. Reassess your situation and help when you feel that you can, not when you feels she needs it.
If you burn out that is you and her both in need of care.
Don't feel guilty either. Be proud of what you have done.

VIOLLETTE. It is time to leave the hateful so and so to his own devices.
Make changes so that you get at least some happiness and again don't let guilty feelings enter the equation.
The only person that would think you should feel guilty is that thing you live with.

etheltbags1 My heartfelt commiserations! My mother became thus, but unlike you I did not live near enough to get called round all the time. However, I had to stay with her instead, for "holidays" to visit.

My mother had dementia, Alzheimer's type. She was just as you are describing your mother before she became obviously impaired by memory problems. I am not saying your mum has the same. Please go to your Doctor and ask for help. Ask what help you can get for your mother. You can't run yourself into the ground like this.

It is terrifying to think we might become difficult when we are elderly. But there's not much we can do about it if it's due to an illness. I will say, my mother was still herself when she was difficult with Alzheimer's; she was a difficult person all the time I knew her, before she had it.

I really do want you to get some help. One person on her own can't look after another elderly person when they are like this. Perhaps the hospital will give you some advice. There might be leaflets about where to go for help. Also I phoned my mother's Doctor, but I knew what was the matter by then and I had the advantage of being a Neuropsychologist, so recognised the brain symptoms.

If your mother has changed in personality, behaviour, ways, then a check-up is in order. She might have some early signs and this might be why she is so difficult.

Get help please. If you don't know what to say, read your letter above to your doctor - and your mum's doctor!

Hoping you find some lovely people to help you, and that with some of the strain lifted your relationship with your mum might become easier. Lots of love, L

Quzqueen, you posted an excellent post with a lot of good sound advice

Daughters always get the task of caring for elderly relatives very often in a thankless way by increasingly difficult to handle people. You often run yourself ragged and harm your own health in the process, don't do it!. Visit as often as you can but keep a balance, once a day if you live closeby but make sure Social Services do most of the care. They will often charge for that as they do when a nursing home is needed but it is the best way for you both.
As the elderly get less able and can't cope they usually don't want to go into a nursing home, it's fear of the unknown and resistance to change. Most settle quickly, enjoy the company and 24/7 care really is the best place for them, it's best for you as well, you can have a normal life.
If the person you are caring for is playing you against another relative make sure you contact them and keep them updated frequently and invite them to participate to give you respite

Please please take the excelent advice from all these lovely gràns and let other people help you. You sound amazing . We all send you our love ànd best wishes. .

I’m another who has the t-shirt! Perhaps it’s time you threatened to move house! She sounds as if she’s quite capable of caring for herself with less support if necessary, but she likes to have you around. Love should not be conditional. Whatever sort of mother she was shouldn’t influence what she’s ‘entitled’ to now. Time to lay down the law a bit. Things change. Was she working when she cared for her mother? Had she survived serious illness? Time to book another holiday. (Have you suggested to her she may have dementia? The suggestion may work wonders!)

ethelbags I have every sympathy with you for coping with the demands of your mum and having to work also. It must be very exhausting, both mentally and physically. I also experience some of the things you describe - constant fault-finding, gardening, laundry,etc - but fortunately not to the same extent and at least I dib't have the stresses of work to contend with also.

I find your comments Belgravian to be somewhat insensitive. I'm not sure many people would tell ethelbags to "put up and shut up". If they would, shame on them. It is probably quite difficult for ethelbags to see her mum in a jokey "feisty old bugger" way when she is so exhausted by her behaviour. I certainly do not hope that I will be like that when I am much older - I wouldn't want to inflict such stress on anyone close to me. Since you say that you are 300 miles away from your parents and, in any event, they are wealthy and presumably can buy in help if they need it, I think your situation is a great deal easier.

I think sunnysuzie has hit the nail on the head. No one wants to think they are failing or worrying family but they don't want to change.
My thought would be to talk to your mum about how tired you feel,and say you need to try to cut back on the daily visits and make it every other day,and say if she really really needs you then phone.Also say that if you don't do something you'll crack up under the strain.Your own health may have left you less able to cope with as much as you used to and it might be worth saying that to her. Whatever you do I wish you luck and sending big hugs to you both.

Sending you love and hugs Etheltbags. There is not much I can say to you that will help is there, except you can always vent on here and know someone is listening. x

OMG , I hope the OP does not when she gets old want someone to look after her !!! give your mum some respect,

jacksmum What a nasty comment. ethelbags seems to be doing a lot for her mum, on top of working full time - and she recently had serious health issues too. Do you have a parent who, whatever you do, complains and finds fault? If you do and you never find it infuriating or exhausting, well done to you.

Not a nice thing to say jacksmum, if you know little about the situation then best to say nothing.
etheltbags does a lot for her mother and could have done with some tlc herself when she was ill.

And Gransnet is a good place to vent if you need to.

jacksmum, you wouldn't be a demanding parent by any chance?

if my mum swore in a supermarket i would have laughed. i know you are doing the rumming and fetching for her. and you deserve a medal but she is your mum and you only get the one. so humour her. you dont have to go in every day ,find a social worker that can help relieve the stress you are getting. what about a neighbour or have you siblings\\/ find a day care centre.. you taking on too much..remember you only get one mum one time. what about going through photo albums with her. maybe she finds todays life a struggle and will do things her own way..get some help...

Hi, thank you all for the lovely comments, it was very comforting. I took her to a and e, they x rayed her and found no broken bones just a sprained wrist. She has been more civilised as I've been watering her garden and today and helped her out to potter. She realises she has been very lucky. Ive jyst been popping in before and after work for a few minutes. I think maybe i am crazy to over react like the way i did the other day but i kniw she can turn into a horror anytime. I'm also scared as my 6 month check up is due tomorrow with the oncologist.

I hope all goes well tomorrow ethel. Do you have someone to go with you?

Perhaps your mum gets worried - about you, about her failing health and her inability to cope - and this is how she reacts, by lashing out at nearest and dearest, ie you.

Yes, I also agree totally with quizqeen. An excellent response. I look after my dad in my home. He has early stage dementia and he’s mainly self caring but I too find it difficult at times knowing it’s never going to get better. It’s steadily getting worse day by day. It is what it is but you MUST get help and define boundaries (basic behaviour management). I’m very lucky in that I have a very supportive sister who lives close by and is always there for me. You’re doing an amazing job - take guilt out of the equation ❤️

Fingers crossed for today Ethel. You’re not crazy, just trying to be the perfect daughter your mother wants. You need to be yourself as well.

Will be thinking of you today Ethel

Hi, thanks again for the support. I went for my check up but just have to wait for blood test results as usual. I haven't been too often to mY mother's, she is doing ok, has been to her voluntary work and seems to be coping. I'm taking her to the shops which I have always done and I'm just trying to keep more detached. If she needs help she will have to ask for it. I have given my M
Name out to someone I don't want to know it so I will change it soon. Thanks again

Fingers crossed all is well in case I fail to guess you!! And your mum sounds as if she’s fine, just feeling old! Remember, if you stand back and let her do things for herself it’s called Empowerment and helps her keep her Indendence - and lets you lead your own life too!

I feel bad for you. I hope you got your answers from the ones suggested. God bless!

I've got the ok from my tests so I'm relieved about that at least. My mother hasn't been so bad lately, she has found someone to do the heavy gardening which leaves her to potter. (Big sigh of relief for me). I have tried asking gnet to let me change my user name as I've told someone what it is, I can't change it so I will have to be careful what I say in future. Thank you all again for you kind advice.