So who cares for you?

That rings a bell with me Marmight as I know several people who have been widowed, it goes with our age, and they have become very self centered.
I now can reason why this has happened.
One in particular became a very bitter woman and lost friends, she has since died, a very lonely woman.
Two of them have become hypochondriacs when they were never ill before.

This thread has really hit a nerve with me. This is something I have been struggling with for some time. The reality, and acceptance, that there is no longer someone who loves and cares for me unconditionally. Like Maw my 3 daughters have their own lives to lead and despite moving 500 miles nearer to 2 of them I feel no more cared for than I did before although I know in their own way they do even if they have a strange way of demonstrating it! Since being widowed in 2012 I have had to learn so much, to do so much, to cope, to make decisions about me and to that end have become a selfish person, something I don't like at all. I am angry for and about everything that has happened and feel a 'Dylan Thomas' coming on! 'Do not go gentle into that good night. Old age should burn and rave at close of day; rage, rage against the dying of the light........' I'm angry that the clock won't turn back. I'm angry that all the people who gave me that unconditional love have had the cheek to leave me and flippin' well die. I had a couple of health 'things' very recently and not one of my daughters has asked how I got on or what the results were. No one to accompany me, no one to be there for me except me. So that's the answer to *Maw's' question!
So now I shall put on my happy face and be off to the village Harvest celebrations

I think this thread shows the very essence of GN. The wonderful, stoically, generous, loving people who are the vast majority on here. An inspiration to us all

Thank you for starting this thread Maw. It's a very thought provoking thread that has prompted some very heartfelt posts and many more soul searching private thoughts I imagine. Paradoxically we are all joined in our essential aloneness. ?

Been doing this thought so much of late. Last person who loved me unconditionally, my mum, died when I was a child. Lots of disastrous relationships later, two lovely sons. But I’m on my own! Dogs and horses were fab, but now also dead. And can’t bear to resurrect that again. Pain of losing them too harsh. So defo on my own. Which I hate!

How eloquently put Synonymous. Thank for sharing.
I wish I could express myself so well!
I too tend to think of myself as a nuisance when I need care and also that I am not as important in general. However I am determined now to rethink my attitude to myself. Being my own best friend sounds like a good plan. And realising I can be stronger too.

A thought provoking thread Maw and something I have been very conscious of since I needed care myself. To me, my own identity was always as an adjunct rather than a person in my own right and I had always cared for everyone else as a matter of course. It actually never occurred to me that I was me in any way other than that so that when I needed to be cared for I felt really guilty and so apologetic. My DH found this difficult and was quite cross with me for even thinking that he would find me a burden. To be honest I don't think I ever got past that barrier of thinking myself of less worth than anyone else.
When DH was so very nearly killed I had to start rethinking so much because we now have to care for each other. My thinking has become much more strategic as in how to accomplish this and that rather than "is it possible?" I was forced by circumstances to change and it has done me so much good as I have discovered that I am more capable than I thought and there are ways in which I can get things done even if I have to organise someone else to be my hands etc. When I didn't know if Himself would survive I had all the panicky thoughts about how I would manage on my own and I was given the time and opportunity (if that is the right way to put it ) to work through it all. I now know I could manage but I also know I do not want to have to. I hated being half of the whole that we two are and I grieve for those of us GNers who are struggling with such loss.
Incidentally I have discovered how alone we all are ultimately and how rare it is for those promises carelessly tossed and left hanging in the air to be fulfilled. When they come to fruition it is a joy but those forgotten promises would have been better left unmade.
Another side of this aloneness is the number of family I have who have never married and will ultimately also be on their own. Whilst they have never shared in the joys and subsequent loss of their other half they certainly share in the 'aloneness' which hits when we are at our most vulnerable. I have grave concerns for one of my own children in that respect and have encouraged all my family to think about themselves much more positively than I ever did.
Some of my neighbours are nonagenarians and are very much on their own having outlived most if not all of their own generation. Those that do well are definitely the ones who are their own best friend and think carefully about how they live and use their resources. All are very interesting people and I hope I do as well as they if I live as long!

MB, no two experiences are ever the same but I do so relate to much of what you are currently going through. I was particularly drawn to your seeming concern re the prospect of both losing the past and keeping memories alive. My late husband feels close around me pretty much like a second skin and it has been many years since he died. Memories seem pretty sharp and daily comforting and the fear I had in that arena has proven unfounded. Hope it proves to be the same for you. One cannot get over such a loss but my experience has been that the pain is now a constant dull ache rather than sharp and excruciating. Time doesn't always heal but I find it sure helps.

Well if you can make a life for yourself with your son that sounds good Anniel. You sound so cheerful and optimistic.

MawBroon,

I appreciate your post. There are so many of us who have lost our spouse or partner. I live in London and both sons live overseas and my daughter lives a distance away and is busy working. My husband died nearly 10 years ago and I still miss him badly because we were very close and we're enjoying our retirement. I am now in my mid 80s. My only sister died earlier this year and it has made me feel more alone even though she lived in Australia

Although I have both heart and kidney disease I am still able to travel and my younger son welcomes me to stay with him and so I live half my life in the Caribbean Staying the winter away from the cold. He has three Jack Russells and I adore them. They lifted me out of my grief and I cannot wait to see them again. Where I live we cannot have animals because we have a large garden where other residents children like to play.

I can find things to do and belong to Growing Old Disgracefully which I enjoy. I am an internet addict and enjoy going to church. I have decisions to make. I could live permanently with my younger son who lives alone and has plenty of room. It would be a major decision and I would have to pack up my home and could easily let it. I find I have very few friends left here and only staying three months at a time makes keeping in contact and meeting up harder.
This is typical of me. I always end up writing a novel instead of a short paragraph! I love GransNet as I recognise that many of us live similar lives. I read MumsNet too and smile at some of the comments daughters make on their mothers!

Thanks for reading if you got this far!

How sad that there are so many people who feel they are not important to another. That is why GN is special to many of us. I only post rarely (2nd time in 2 days though!) but always read the daily posts and glean all sorts of useful ideas from all you wonderfully wise people.
and to all of you without that special someone. My Dad died 2.5 years ago and Mum still misses him and all she did for him as his dementia progressed. At almost 89 she is fiercely independent and has fallen out with all her neighbours and most of the family, including my OH, so none of us are welcome there any more! I despair!
So, I will try to appreciate my OH who doesn’t live with me but who often suffers from Grumpy Old Man syndrome AND my hormonal teenager who lives with me and varies between being a caring human being and someone who is unbearable! At least they are here some/most of the time and can cook or make cups of tea when necessary!
Take care of yourselves and please keep posting on here. xx

Now that my children have flown the nest and my husband died I now put myself first always. I spent most of my life lovingly looking after them and putting them first so now it's my turn.

Sadly, there are all too many people without someone to care for them.
Its a lovely thought, but well..

Good question.
I am pretty self sufficient. I can talk to DSs & DiL but prefer not to if it is about problems with DH as he is my 2nd husband & they are not too keen on him. He has had a lot of mental health issues & I know they would rather he was not on the scene.
I do have some good friends but my best friend died 2 years ago & she would have been the one I'd go to.
Luckily I am an only child so used to looking out for myself.

I send my good wishes to all those who are widowed like me. With no children I'm lucky to have a sister who's just a few streets away. She and her DH came to take me to A&E when I had a nasty tumble recently.
Otherwise it's just me and the cat.

I'm alone now too. A few years ago I was alone at home after an operation. One friend made a five hour train journey to spend time with me. A couple of years later I did the same for her as she moved within two weeks from 'healthy' to 'terminal'.

I do still have children who I think would be able to give me some support if I needed it. I'm not sure they would.

Its amazing what sharing reveals, how many of us have similar feelings and thoughts.
I too often wonder who would miss me - that includes my husband, who is very self sufficient. I think if I left the house sometimes without saying goodbye he would possibly not notice for hours that I am gone! We support each other but as RamblingRose said its up to a point and he will always care for himself more than me. That's just how he is.
Perhaps these feelings are just part of being human. Families grow and often our children's time with us must diminish, friends have less energy for travelling, we are anxious about growing older. All we can do really is be kind to ourselves and be as happy as possible.
Coconut you are indeed very fortunate. I know exactly what your friend means.
Sending hugs to everyone.

DH cares for me, there are days when I can't even get out of bed without his help. He is actually more ill than I am and I should be looking after him.
Family live abroad with no prospect of returning permanently. Rainy day fund will come in useful.

I care for myself...given up on anyone else caring. I am working on being me....something I have never been before. If people need or want me they know where I am. It is important to find yourself....

Well in answer to your question Maw, nobody. Not even me alot of the time.
My dd has her own issues and of course I care for and about her & the kids. I have been caring for and supporting my elderly mum (& in doing that my step father who has his own issues). I have friends where I live that I rarely see and my longest and most treasured friendships are with people who live hundreds of miles away. They all have their own lives. I don't have a partner, have never been married and cannot envisage that changing.
But I survive.
For all of you living with bereavement and loss I'm sending a virtual hug and best wishes ? xxx

Am so sorry to hear of people's losses and lack of family nearby. It was brought home to me talking about women's pensions that we are not very good at putting ourselves first after years of being described as someone's wife, mother, daughter etc.
I worry that many recently retired people don't think it's important to plan for old age. Am I near a decent bus/rail link for when I have to give up the car? Are there shops nearby? Am I near a doctor's? etc. These are the things that will prolong independent living

I have been widowed 5.5 years, I spent time as DH's carer but felt a weight lifted off my shoulders after his death. I grieved, learnt to live on my own for the 1st time at 57, fortunately I'm very independent & had always dealt with the finances.

I now have moved, made new friends, joined new groups. My DD lives fairly close but she has her own family to care for.

It's not easy but learning to enjoy oneself & not feel guilty is important. This doesn't detract from the memories, I still retain all my memories, they crop up at the oddest times. I regard doing the things that give me pleasure as important & don't feel guilty

An interesting question, Mawbroon. A child is normally cared for by their parent(s) but it is less clear-cut with an adult

I have been following an interesting psychotherapist on Facebook and she agrees with one of Bikerhiker's posts that the starting point is to care for yourself.

This involves feeling and releasing all the pain and/or anger that you feel which must involve putting yourself first because the process needs focus, concentration and not being interrupted by other people or things. I don't expect anyone else - even DH - to put my needs above his and I hope that this will never be tested.

So if I had a therapist who asked me this question, I would answer that my DH cares for me up to a point but that I do not know who would care for me if I needed a great deal of help and support.

I know the feeling well. I am nobody’s priority. At times of absolute self pity, I wonder if anyone would miss me if I wasn’t here. So, try my best to be kind to myself and make the most of the time I do get to spend with my children, Granddaughter and friends.

I have never met my Mr Right, just a couple of Mr Wrongs ! So even when married I always felt alone Anne unsupported. However, I am blessed with a real closeness to 2 sons and their lovely wives, plus my daughter and her lovely husband. Not close to my elderly Mum as I won’t be controlled, but have life long friends who have always been there for me, plus my 5 lovely grandkids. I had a conversation with a close friend who lost her cherished husband and is struggling terribly with that loss. She said that in some ways I am lucky as I will never have to feel that gut wrenching loss. I don’t think she meant it as they had a wonderful marriage.