Should a dying person's wishes always be honoured?

A dying person's wishes should always be honoured unless they have suggested something which would be downright harmful and spiteful to someone left behind.

He told you abide by his wishes
It is not your story to tell other than his wishes
How can you as his close friend go against his wishes
Sorry it’s making you ill but grow some balls
Respect your friend

I believe that a dying person's wishes should be adhered to. A letter lodged with the Will is a good idea, DH wrote one on his Solicitor's advice as to why his 2 children weren't inheriting anything from him (their DM had inherited from her DF & she had remarried, no other children) as their DM would provide for them.

My DF died over 40 years ago, DM carried out his wishes although she wasn't in total agreement.

1 - no wearing black, not a problem
2 Cremation, DM doesn't agree preferring Burial
3 Youngest S & BiL were not to attend his funeral (they always dashed off from any family get together with indecent haste).

My DM followed his wishes.

He has every right to die the way he wants to but no right to put your relationship with the extended family into jeopardy by doing so. Ask for a letter explaining his wishes and that he had tied your hands.

I think his wishes should be abided by, but he has put you in a very bad position. It's really unfair of him to put the responsibility of this on to your shoulders. As someone suggested you may be better to plead ignorance of the situation after he dies, but since he has cut communication with you, will you actually know when he dies.

@gagagran- I think that's incredibly selfless and such a lovely gesture. You should be exceptionally proud of your actions.

I would always honour someone's dying wish. Even if it's the last thing you would want to do, unless it was morally challenging!

Only you know in your heart of hearts what you should do, but I suggest that if this person has trusted you to such an extent they clearly respect you to carry that wish out. I agree with what has been said previously - if you're struggling with the decision then ask them to write or at the very least sign something saying that you're adhering to their final wish.

I would not have a problem following his instructions. He must have his reasons it is not just something he would have stated for no reason. Really it is his decision to make.

Razzy that's a terrible idea to urge the family members to make contact with this man.
That could lead to a lot of unhappiness for him in his final months, if he has to fend off contact that he doesn't want. As well as unhappiness for the relatives if they have had their hopes raised.

I can imagine ho you are fretting, but to be honest, if he has cut ties with his family, it really isn't your concern, considering he has cut ties with you too. It's obviously something HE feels very strongly about and as such he has had time to contact people if he wanted them to know about his illness.

It seems such a shame he is going to fade away and die with no one by his side, or to hold his hand, but that seems to be the way he wants it. Respecting that may make you feel guilty, but really you have nothing to feel guilty about, just a very sad situation to come to terms with. It is his wish.

Respect their wishes .

Why should they ever find out you knew anyway?

I wonder why he told you, dollyjo, and has now cut off contact again.
Now that you have told us your relationship to him and the fact that he has a new wife I can understand how worrying it must be for you.

However, if he has not been in contact with his daughter for so long, was she expecting an inheritance from him or had she no idea?
If he has been with his partner, now wife, for very many years I can understand why he would want to regularise their relationship so that she would not suddenly become homeless after his death.

I think contacting him and getting him to put it in writing as others have suggested could be a good idea.

It's not very fair on you - but it is his wish and should not be worrying you.

Now that more of this situation has come out I'd reiterate my point about getting something down in writing. This is an unpleasant burden and perhaps you need to consider your peace of mind more. Its all very well him demanding you respect his wishes but to then cut ties with you when you offer an opinion shows that he does not respect your position and I've always been of the opinion that relationships are about mutuality - not just making demands.

I have been in this position and I asked the person concerned if they would be prepared to put it in writing, which they did, and it showed the they had made the decision on their own and it was their own request. Always respect people's wishes, only they know the true reason for making the request.

If he has cut contact with you and no hope of reconciliation with him then I would tell them.when he's dead your going to have to deal with the "Living"

Well I must beg to differ. I wonder if this chap has been subject to an older person's version of grooming, and this new wife merely has the intention to gain the house and the money. Elder financial abuse. This recently happened to a friend of mine, he cut himself off from his (loving) children, who the lady portrayed as awful, uncaring people. He has died recently, new wife gains all, children have nothing. Doesn't seem right. Tell his children, give them a chance to help him, and rekindle relationships.

I wholeheartedly think the dying persons wishes should be honoured (unless illegal or totally undoable). It's the last thing they can have a say about and should be respected. My mum didn't want certain members of the family at her funeral or my fathers funeral and my siblings went against them when the time came. I was furious and upset that her wishes had not been carried out and 15 years later it still annoys me. It was the last thing we could do for her and it was messed up. These people didn't visit during illness or call to ask how things were. They only said "let us know when something happens and we'll come to the fineral"!!! He has trusted you with his wishes and I think you should honour them.

Definitely agree again Baggs. And dollyjo wouldn’t it have been a tad clearer to disclose all in the first instance? As you say it did cause a some off target comments (which ended up not helping you anyway) by not doing so. At first you didn’t want to say too much then maybe even overshared.

I would do exactly as he asks. Does anyone need to know that you know? If not, after his death, just lie and say that the death was as big a surprise to you as to others.

If they know you would know, just say quite simply that when someone shares information with you and tells you explicitly to tell no-one, then you do as they asked, you do not betray your friends/family.

After someone has died my reaction is the exact opposite. Funeral plans are to comfort the living. Knowing you will be buried with a spouse, or in a particular way are a comfort to the living about how they will be treated in death. Once dead they have no means of knowing how their body will be disposed of or doing anything about it. so family and friends should feel free to do things as they will and ignore the pre-death wishes.

I have told DC exactly how I wish to be disposed of after death, what ceremonies are to be performed etc, but I have also given them freedom to ignore them entirely, without guilt, should fulfilling them cause too many problems.

Having said that, I would always respect and follow the post death wishes of anyone whose disposal was my responsibility, but if for any reason they could not be followed I would not waste anytime feeling guilty or upset about this.

We must have been typing at the same time as I've just read your last post which is another kettle of fish seeing that the person is your brother and has re married in haste. Under those circumstances and it seems harsh to say I know but I would be inclined to tell him that you don't want to get involved in the situation regarding other members of the family. Leave all decision making to the new wife and if anyone should find out then tell them to consult her and that you had said that you didn't want to get involved in it all. If your brother still severs all contact with you then as I said in my previous post then there's not much you can do. As time goes by and his illness deteriorates he may think again and want to see you. If not I would still attend the funeral, invited or not. Whatever goes on, he's still your brother. Look after yourself. Big hugs.

dollyjo, the answer to the question about whether a dying person's wishes should always be honoured is not really what you're asking. You're asking if your brother's wishes right now should be honoured and most people have said yes.

The question about always honouring a dying person's wishes or not depends on what the wishes are, how they are put forward, to whom, and why. It is a much bigger philosophical question and, like most such subjects, does not have a simple answer. Your predicament does have a simple answer and people have given you it.

Not a nice situation to be in. I would want my wishes to be honoured. dollyjo you say "He instructed me to inform no-one in the family of his illness and impending death." Does your relative mention his wishes after death? If not I think I would let the family know that he had died and it would be up to them if they wanted to attend the funeral. For peace of mind I would want him to have his instructions in writing and signed so there's no come back on you. On the other hand, as he's been estranged from the family for many years, do family know that he has close contact with you, do they ever ask about him? If the answer to that is no then I would keep quiet and abide to the request, not inform of the death and they may never ask about him and family may never find out. If at sometime in the future they discover somehow that he has died and question you then just deny all knowledge. Deceitful I know. But, and a big but, if the family know you have contact and do ask about your relative at times then as I said I wouldn't tell but still have his wishes in writing and explain the situation that he's put you in. I hope he will understand that. Should he refuse and sever future contact then there's not much else you can do. That will be his decision and maybe his neighbour could let you know his state of health, in hospital and such. Good luck, but do what you feel comfortable with.

I would honour his wishes they are the wishes of the living not the dead.

It is interesting and supportive in many ways to hear of your many opinions.
I really don't want to go into a lot of detail but I will clarify some points.
I know it is 'not about me'as someone wrote.
I have respected his wishes and not told anyone of either his illness or his prognosis. I merely expressed an opinion.
On hearing of his prognosis, he immediately married someone of whom he had no intention of marrying previously. She promised to care for him 'until the end.'He even told me before he asked her!
His previous will is null and void. after this marriage. I was not named in his previous will and so it is not about my inheritance. He had left a house to his daughter in his previous will, he is now hurriedly making a new will in which his children will not inherit anything from him.
I have retained contact with his daughter but she doesn't know where he lives because he moved away. She was a child when her mother died and the maternal grandparents took over the care of the children.

This man is my brother and not just a friend. I have written to him and spoken to him on the phone but each contact made our relationship worse. I have now decided I can't win and I have accepted that I will not be told or invited to the funeral by his 'new' wife. He has given her that instruction.
What I have done, is to have a photo of him framed. In it, he is smiling happily during a visit to my home. That is how I want to remember him.

I wonder if this additional information makes those who think a dying person's wishes should always be upheld reconsider their opinion.

How cruel Vioette.

Why don't you ask him to write his wishes in a letter so if there is any comeback his family would be aware that these are his express wishes and not yours.