How involved should a parent be in adult daughter’s health?

As for treading on the husband’s toes - I don’t know many men who wouldn’t happily accept help for housework / childcare!

She might like to look at homeopathy for her conditions

Everyone is different. I am sometimes amazed at how involved some mothers are with grown daughters. The daughter still seems to depend on her mother even when she is married. I feel sorry for the husband who knows his wife will always take her mothers advice over his!
As a mother it is probably best not to interfere too much even when advice is sought!

Just tell her that if ever she needs your help you are there and happy to do anything she and her husband want. That way the ball is in her court but she knows that you are there to support and she can call on you any time. This way you won't be interfering. I have done this with my daughter offering to help but leaving her in control and she has been glad of it.

All of my children know that I'm here and available/willing to give support as needed. I have taken the initiative at times and been quite assertive when offering help that has then been gratefully received.

I think you should either show your daughter your post here, or if you feel it would embarrass her to know that you had posted it here, just say to her and her husband what you have told us.

Say you will always be happy to help in any way you can, but you would prefer them to tell you honestly what help they would like, otherwise you feel you are treading on their toes.

PaddyAnn - my daughter has a similar situation to yours, although with her pain killing patches and back up medication she manages to work full time (but it does take up all her energy to do so). Before ex s-i-l left them to it I used to help by babysitting my GC as requested and I also helped with domestic things - I'd put the washing on or do the dishwasher or change the kiddies beds etc - whilst I was there (DD paid for a cleaner to come in twice a week as well). Since then ex s-i-l has moved on to a new partner and my DD and I moved house when she got a promotion and I now live in an annex to the main house. I help out more now having taken early retirement but, unless DD asks me, I don't attend medical appointments with her or go to her physio sessions etc, I am usually busy with the GC (but that means DD can arrange appointments to suit her without the stress of finding a babysitter etc). If DD arranges an appointment she usually (but not always ) tells me but not the whys and wherefores unless she feels like saying.

It is a tricky balance I find. DD often says she needs help, or rather she feels overwhelmed by motherhood, but I don't live near enough so have to stay over and I'm not entirely sure DSiL wants me under his feet and I'm not a particularly domesticated GP so I always need to be told what to do.
I don't just make meals or do a pile of ironing without being asked!

dot my daughter is married but her OH works away 10 days out of 14 sometimes more .His job means he has to be away ,theres nothing closer to home that he could do with his qualifications .She loves when he gets back and to be fair so does he and it sort of makes his days home special for her and the kids .I do go to appointments for her and the kids ,we took GS forhis hospital appointment last week as the round trip of 140 miles would have been too much for her.At the end of the day she's our daughter and we will continue to do everything in our power to help .we couldn't leave her to cope alone .

mcem, you have my utmost sympathy. It is so difficult sometimes. My DD suffers from complex medical issues, anxiety and, I suspect, is ASD. I am far more invested in her life than I ever thought or wanted to be and sometimes she can be so difficult, I wonder why I bother. However, she has a young daughter who is showing all the signs of being a chip off the old block and I feel duty bound to keep involved. It isn't the physical energy I expend, it is the mental energy trying to find ways to help without getting drawn into circular arguments or her shouting at me over something I have no control over. This morning I spent the morning at the hospital with her, Monday I am at another appointment and I will spend quite a while making phone calls on her behalf to get her daughter's issues sorted out.
All my help is because, although she doesn't ask me outright, she makes life unbearable for all if I don't step up to the mark. She insists I go to medical appointments because she says they don't listen to her and she just refuses to make phone calls or answer them unless she knows the telephone number.
The irony is that I have had to help my son's family get the ASD diagnosis for their son and she is incensed that they couldn't do things for themselves as "Don't they realise it is their responsibility?" Honestly, you couldn't make it up!

Do what comes naturally shes your daughter why would you be cautious ...

Health issues seem to affect many more people today than I can recall in the 'recent' past.
I just don't understand why. Not jyst one problem but often several.
Is it our food, social media, the water?

I dont think its social media ,unless you're suggesting these illnesses are imaginary .Maybe people are just talking about illnesses nowadays instead of being ashamed they have things wrong with them .
My daughter was the healthiest baby and child and young woman .her problems started after a road accident when she was 8 months pregnant .She has been told that Fibromyalgia is often the result of trauma
.The hyper joint mobility issue was picked up when her hip joints popped out when she was pregnant too .After 4 years of fertility treatment .She had always been double jointed we didn't realise that it could be a major problem with joints that caused it .
Sadly her life now is far from normal.From running her own business AND a pub with her OH she is now confined to bed most of the time in chronic pain .If I could swap places with her I'd do it in a heartbeat ,shes a young woman and she shouldn't have to live like this .

I think that modern medicine recognises and can diagnose many problems more than it did in the past, I am dyspraxic, but it wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40s. The condition just wasn't recognised in my childhood. I was just a clumsy child. Many ailments, were just shrugged off as people being 'nervy', or not having good health, plus paddyann is right things were not talked about.

I have had reason to mention to two cousins recently the medical problems I had as a child and the several long periods I spent in hospital. They knew nothing about it. Partly that was family circumstances, we were a big family with several in the forces so we didn't live near each other. but it was also because my parents did not talk about it, because some of the symptoms were embarrassing.

If one of my daughters needed my help while she was ill, and if I was able to help, then I would. I think most parents would feel the same.

On the other hand, I had to ask our dentist (twice) to send email appointment reminders to my youngest daughter directly. Once she was over sixteen, it was really none of my business unless my daughter made it so. The dentist certainly had no right to make it so.

Monica my mother had multiple miscarriages and I knew only about one of them as it happened when I was old enough to remember it .It wasn't talked about so when I'd had 5 of my own she told me her experiences
.
Like her I never talked about my miscarriages to the extent a very close friend was shocked quite recently to find out it took 9 pregnancies to have the two children I have
.People didn't talk about these things ,whether because we felt a failure or because we thought folk would look down on us for not being able to carry I dont know .I just know it was "normal" to keep it to yourself .Its good that women can discuss it now ,I'm sure its easier to cope with if you can talk it over with family or friends .

paddyann, I have the same with my DD. Lots of urinary infections as a child with unexplained urinary incontinence but otherwise healthy kid with plenty of energy. She hit puberty and things started to go down hill a bit; they thought she had M.E. after a chest infection but she managed to go to school everyday before getting a brilliant high powered job. I remember the podiatrists looking at her feet and pointing out lumps protruding from her feet where the muscles were lax and she had the most dreadful stretch mark which were bright purple. However, it was only when she got pregnant she just crashed with joints dislocating, dysautomnia, etc. We thought she would bounce back afterwards like I did but it just didn't happen. Her life is just awful. Even her rip if she opens them too quickly in the morning so now her sight is defective. Ehlers-Danlos Hypermobility Type rarely kills but it shuts your life down. When we look back at previous generations, we realise that they suffered it too but nobody realised. Her grandmother had all of her children put in care for periods because she couldn't cope after their births. Her Aunt lost custody because she couldn't cope after the birth of her 2 children. People just thought they were lazy, they didn't realise that the chronic fatigue was just all encompassing. That's why I step up to the mark for my daughter.