Watching her kill herself

I have no intention of nagging her about it. I know a lost cause when I see it. It’s her daughter, who is very close to me, who is desperately unhappy with her mother’s state of health.

My concern is for her daughter, and a sense of bewilderment about why anyone would choose this path.

I wonder how she would react if you quietly said to her”why are you trying to kill yourself?” And then keep quiet yourself. She’s in denial and that simple statement could make her acknowledge her behaviour.

That’s a very interesting thought.

Am concerned about the attitude of GPs to obesity. The WellWoman check-ups/clinics seem to have disappeared. It's very difficult to get an appointment so going to see the GP for anything other than in-your-face illness makes you feel guilty.
Round here we're desperately short of GPs, too.

Maybe the question to her should be asking has she planned how she'll cope when she goes blind

I am Type 2 Diabetic, not on insulin but tablets. I am obese but find exercise difficult due to arthritis, this affects my left foot making walking painful, I used to love to walk miles. I try to eat a good diet, not too much fruit but loads of veg. I do get annoyed when a family member usually DM says "you shouldn't be eating that", even Diabetic Professional acknowledge occasional treats won't do any harm. I don't bake cakes/biscuits as I know I would eat them, cheese is my main downfall, I love it. You cannot make some-one change their behaviour. I rarely drink & have given up smoking, do I feel better -no I don't

Treating the effects of diabetes is a major drain on NHS resources. If you can change your condition through exercise and diet you benefit not only yourself but others who also need NHS resources

I have an obese relative who is obese and has sleep apnea seriously enough for him to have been hospitalised. He said 'the doctors said there is no cure'. I just don't believe that the doctors would not have mentioned his obesity and general health. He likes cooking and will put three times as much food on the table as most people would and then finish anything left on anyone else's plate. He and his wife are in denial. She has oedema in her legs and it much improved when she lost weight but she it putting it back on again. They are both in denial, particularly about his condition. He is a hoarder and so a bit obsessive and I don't think there is any way to even broach the subject. It is certainly not for me to do it, but it is sad to watch.

How happy does she seem, in herself?

I read this thread with interest .

I am overweight with Type 2 diabetes, controlled by medication. I'm currently losing weight , albeit slowly and have got my blood sugar down to a normal figure.

But I will ALWAYS be addicted to sweet things and less than healthy choices. Every mouthful is a battle ( and I do not use that word lightly) between what I know , as an educated woman, is healthy and what is not.

If this lady is not willing to fight that daily battle ( and lets be honest that's her choice) then she will never improve.

We can 'want' someone to take better care of themselves for whatever the reason but the choice is theirs and only theirs. No amount of letting others shop for her or ask her why she is killing herself will make one scrap of difference because she is the one putting the food in her mouth.

I go to SW and every week the leader gets to me and asks me how I'm enjoying the programme and every week I tell her I'm not :-) I do it because I have to ,not out of enjoyment.

If the lady is happy things wont change.

Sounds like she’s caught in a downward spiral and is probably depressed too. She hates being told she can’t eat this and that while others have no problem and feels she’s being got at all the time, and is actually comfort and defiantly eating while also knowing it’s doing her no good at all. Her husband makes lunch, maybe he could decide HE wants to lose weight (the summer’s coming, he’s feeling really bloated, he’s suddenly finding all this bread and cakes is taking its toll, etc. etc) and start making little salads or using crispbread instead?

If she's been getting away with living like this for 20 years then she's very unlikely to change until something drastic happens - e.g. she has to have some toes amputated or starts losing her sight. My Dad was the same - he was a total sugar addict, and it wasn't until he became too ill to leave the house, and Mum had total control over his diet, that he began to improve. As for how her family copes with it - it's the old adage of: "if what you're doing isn't working, then do something different." Might be a good idea to start the conversations with her about her Will, about what kind of Funeral she would like; about the complications of diabetes and make it clear that they're
not going to help her because she's not helping herself. They need to stop reminding her not to eat something (it's not working and is clearly "feeding" her inner teenager who won't be told what to do). Someone is shopping for her and feeding her - they need to stop enabling this behaviour; put up with the abuse (sorry, but it's called Tough Love) and make it clear that they're not going to help her suicidal behaviour (because that's what it is). They could start by not having ANY sugary drinks or foods in the house - total ban. And BTW people CAN overcome a sugar addiction - my Dad did in his 60's (if he could, anyone can).

My mother in law was the same , but her weakness was cigarettes. She chain- smoked all her life , and when she got to about 60, and was so obviously getting poorly and dropping weight , she totally refused hospital or doctors. Nothing I could say made the slightest difference. I asked my husband to try and talk sense to her , and he just shrugged and said it’s her choice. She died of inevitable lung cancer at 63. Just sat and wasted away.... no treatment , any never giving up the fags. My husband has myriad health concerns and will not go to the doctor. Although I’ve begged and begged. I say I will get the doctor in to see him...all he says is he’ll send him for tests which he won’t attend. I know this to be true as well.So what’s to do with people or families of people who self - destruct. Nothing .... leave them alone .... it’s their choice. Most people don’t have much control over their lives ., although we all like to think we do. It’s a form of taking control over the only thing they can control... their own bodies and destinies.

It’s a form of addiction, one of the symptoms is denial, and there is nothing you can do. If they don’t want to change then nothing you say or do. It is an irrational mental illness. Xxx

Sadly I wonder whether anything will make this lady change unless somehow it comes from within her: a friend's father had both legs mputated after vascular disease caused by heavy smoking, but even that didn't stop him smoking and eventually he died of heart disease.

I have a friend who is grossly overweight. I have known him and his ex wife since schooldays. I feel he is comfort eating. He is a professional man, very intelligent, good company and very kind. But he is ballooning.

He likes a drink and he has a hearty appetite, but not a sweet tooth. He doesn't eat puddings or cakes and biscuits, but chips, bread, potatoes, pasta, fry-ups, in large portions - and beer and whisky nightcaps are his downfall.

He is not stupid. He knows all about healthy eating and the perils of being obese (Don't we all?)

I see it as a death wish almost. I have no idea why he doesn't rein himself in. He has got so much going for him in terms of good lifestyle, etc. I wonder if the lack of 'love' in his life means he feels OK to love his food instead. He is such a lovely, warm-hearted, generous man but he doesn't even consider finding himself another partner.

He often says we all die of something. I do feel he has an addiction, a mental problem because I can think of no other reason why he doesn't take stock and try to lose weight.

I need to lose weight but find social occasions hard to get through. I tell myself a little of what you fancy does you good - constant denial does wreck your thinking about food I feel. I have the strength to stock the house with mainly healthy foods and not buy those that tempt me, but not everyone does.

I think addiction to food is a huge problem and maybe we have to stop writing off those who find it hard to lose weight. We seem to have more time and sympathy for drug addicts. Fat people are written off as slobs.

I'm over weight and T2. I have shown my GP a typical weeks menu which is 3 meals a day plus a tea cake or similar as an afternoon snack sometimes only a very occasional biscuit. He says I'm eating well but I can't shift weight.
I do have trouble walking far which is a catch 22 situation. I know I need more exercise. We used to go rambling for 5-6 miles when our children were young. I struggle with 0.5 mile now.
My last HBA1C was fine, but I am being treated for diabetic retinopathy.
DH is T2 and eats what ever he wants and his consultant tells him he's a model patient

I'm very obese and pre-diabetic. I also suffer with asthma and have put on even more weight this year, which is seriously affecting my mobility. I joined SW and although I get lots of support and have lost weight with them before it just doesn't seem to be happening this time. I suffer with water retention, which doesn't help because it makes me feel miserable. I'm getting to the stage when I don't want to go out at all, even socially which I used to enjoy. I have had a difficult time in the past and I think eating is how I deal with it. I love chocolate and can eat huge amounts, but most of my food is healthy - I've even started eating from a smaller plate in a bid to try to lose weight. I feel like I'm drowning and I just can't seem to find the willpower. I can't go into details, but have found out something very serious about one of my children recently and this has caused a rift between me and my other child - it's all horribly complicated, but I eat chocolate to make myself feel better NOW as it will take ages for any loss to show on me and I don't feel as if I have the strength to keep making that sort of effort.

I have a DH who is pacemaker dependent (for AF), overweight, dreadful diet (despite what I put in front of him) and going into heart failure. He would rather live less time but be 'able' than compromised as what he sees as semi-invalid. I have had to learn to accept this and brace myself for what may be to come. I find myself hoping he will have a massive MI / stroke and drop down dead cos' I will struggle with what may be the alternative. I am sure it has compromised our relationship as I have found myself drawing in to protect myself. It's very difficult to watch and be helpless when the person could help themselves

As Pinkrinse says this is just as much an addiction as cigarettes or alcohol. As with any addiction its down to the person to want to stop. Until that happens you are on a hiding to nothing I'm afraid.

Hm999 : 'Maybe the question to her should be asking has she planned how she'll cope when she goes blind' ...

most of the people I know who have found it difficult or impossible to control their diabetes, lost their legs before they lost their sight- bit by bit, to the knee, above the knee then up to the groin.

What upsets me is that, as a Type 1 insulin dependant diabetic, if ever anyone mentions diabetes, they assume I am obese with a dreadful lifestyle, costing the health service thousands ……………...I WISH people would understand the difference between lifestyle (Type 2) and a non functioning pancreas (Type 1) …...so if I ever mention it, it is picked up as being my fault ………..grrrrrrrrrrr

She is a grown woman and has presumably been told time and time again that disregarding her diabetes will lead to her death.

Presumably, her attitude is that we all have to die sometime of something and that she would rather enjoy her life than keep to a strict diet.

Surely, the decision is hers to make. Would you be just as sad if she was a cancer patient refusing radiation therapy, or chemo? I am not certain I would ever want to put myself through either of those in order to live a while longer, but be miserable.

I certainly understand the difference VIOLETTE and I’m sure many others would if it was explained to them. The friend I lost at 42 was Type 1.

I am amazed at how insightful so many of these replies are; how candid and soul searching others. It has certainly opened my eyes, listening to others in a similar situation, as to why she finds it so hard and lacks motivation to ‘fix’ it.

She clearly knows all the dangers, but does not have the willpower to do anything about it. I feel so sorry for this lady.