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Farting old men

(67 Posts)
BradfordLass72 Thu 08-Aug-19 06:36:33

...and ladies who delicately break wind.

I’ve read many comments from suffering spouses, so here’s some help a little more constructive than ‘bung a cork in it’.

Nothing will stop farting completely and that’s good; the body has a safety valve, in this case, the fundament. Without it there would be pain.
Rumours of gaseous old men exploding are unproven.

As we get older, our guts need a little help, so the first line of defence is to try a course of digestive enzymes and/or probiotics capsules, such as acidophilus bifidus.
These alone may reduce the incidence of Cyclone Freta.

A healthy digestive system will produce less hydrogen and carbon dioxide gas, which cause farting.
An unhealthy system can lead to bloating, headaches, nausea, fatigue, bad breath, abdominal pain, runny nose, reflux and constipation.

Good bacteria help break down food efficiently but unfortunately stress, smoking, excess alcohol, some food additives and anti-biotics can kill good bacteria, which is why they need replacing regularly.

BTW, there is rarely enough acidophilus, even in good quality yoghurt to have significant effect on the uber-farter.

If you think you or Mr Stinky may have any sort of fart-producing food intolerance (different from allergies) try an elimination diet. Just one item at a time.

Wheat and dairy products are the main culprits.
Try substituting gluten-free bread for 10 days. This and regular acidophilus bifidus should make a big difference to the explosive nature of your relationship.

If that doesn’t change anything, try eliminating or reducing dairy products.
A2 milk is apparently easier on the digestion.

FODMAPs are a group of fermentable carbs that aggravate gut symptoms in sensitive people.

Read about them here:
www.healthline.com/nutrition/fodmaps-101

The wayward wind is a restless wind
A restless wind that yearns to wander
And he was born the next of kin
The next of kin to the wayward wind grin

Lessismore Thu 15-Aug-19 18:19:10

Might try the anti fart pants pre down dog.

Larissa67 Thu 15-Aug-19 11:08:01

Good clean fun! Had me howling.
Apparently in the US (and online) they sell fart-proof pants.
There's a story from the Arabian nights about a man called Hassan who being presented to the sultan let one loose. He was so mortified he ran away and became a successful merchant. After seven years he decided to sneak back to visit his old home. At the entrance to the town he met a young girl. 'How old are you dear?' he asked. She replied 'I know I'm seven this March, because I was born the night of Hassan's fart'. He returned to his travels.

Rufus2 Thu 15-Aug-19 09:41:06

Surprised Grandad1943 hasn't appeared on this thread with his usual accusation of misandry

Thank goodness , a cultural thread at last!
wink
Phoenix; I'd be more surprised if you hadn't made an appearance!
In my youth, it was a status symbol to attain what was known as a "5-speed ar--hole" and guaranteed to make anyone within earshot draw breath in admiration! grin grin

Gonegirl Thu 15-Aug-19 09:26:23

Today I will have to stand up after sitting in an aeroplane. Sigh! It always happens. Why?!

RosieLeah Thu 15-Aug-19 09:19:38

Mention of diabetes reminds of when I tried diabetic jam in a bid to cut down sugar. My God, talk about lift-off! The artificial sweetener must cause fermentation! It was non-stop.

Lessismore Thu 15-Aug-19 09:16:31

My yoga class is in a small room, so that you are in close proximity. I dread having an accident.

Coolgran65 Thu 15-Aug-19 09:14:11

I’m lucky. My dh doesn’t make a habit of farting randomly. The very occasional one over the years. Same for myself though I’ve found the occasional little ones escaping myself. I just say excuse me and move on. ;)

felice Thu 15-Aug-19 08:56:11

In my local supermarket yesterday, I turned the corner into the meat department, there was a quite well dressed middle-aged man perusing the Sausages. He just stood there farting very loudly. A young man coming in the other direction just looked at me and we both returned quickly from where we had come from.
I will buy my BBQ sausages tomorrow, holiday here today.

BradfordLass72 Thu 15-Aug-19 07:16:59

Nannytopsy Get him onto acidophilus bifidus, digestive enzymes and/or activated charcoal.

Nannytopsy Thu 15-Aug-19 07:11:34

DH recently started metformin for diabetes with disastrous effects on the digestive system.

phoenix Thu 15-Aug-19 06:49:56

Surprised Grandad1943 hasn't appeared on this thread with his usual accusation of misandry!

Jane10 Thu 15-Aug-19 06:49:13

I'm very good at it. If it was a sport I'd be Olympic standard. I know I'm a great comfort to my DGSs. Often after a day at school they get rows from their mum my DD but they indignantly say, 'But Gran farts!'

BradfordLass72 Thu 15-Aug-19 03:04:23

So that is why dawn is referred to as 'sparrowfart' RosieLeah (only by the vulgar of course, not by Gners.)

It's all that vacuum-producing fasting they do at nights.

RosieLeah Wed 14-Aug-19 11:31:13

It's a good reason for eating supper. If your last meal is at roughly tea-time and you have nothing more until breakfast next morning, a vacuum develops. All that hot air is expelled when food arrives to drive it out.

Gonegirl Wed 14-Aug-19 11:27:57

Where the f--- does it all come from?

Gonegirl Wed 14-Aug-19 11:26:45

I just wish mine didn't go on for so long. Short sharp I could cope with by looking innocent, but when you're doing it unstoppably as you walk across the room....

1Gilles Wed 14-Aug-19 10:57:22

Your message made me smile, and I think that is what you should do.
Irrespective what anyone says, we all do it, even those “poo-pooing” such an idea, hope that made you smile.

Luckygirl Thu 08-Aug-19 18:03:43

Ah yes! - the wee!

It's all such a joy.

EllanVannin Thu 08-Aug-19 17:58:10

Uncontrollable if you sneeze ! You're in a worse mess if you wet yourself as well.

Luckygirl Thu 08-Aug-19 17:08:49

I am OK till I cough.........!

fizzers Thu 08-Aug-19 16:30:56

Farting, then laughing teenagers is the pits!

RosieLeah Thu 08-Aug-19 16:18:44

Stella, they very often save it until they are in bed. Perhaps he has control over it and waits until you're asleep before letting rip!

SirChenjin Thu 08-Aug-19 16:15:50

Good advice! I'd be cautious of the FODMAP diet without support from a professional though. DD is on it for severe IBS and it's very restrictive. Reintroducing foods can take a while and should be done in a controlled way.

Annaram1 Thu 08-Aug-19 15:14:49

Of course she does. Underneath her crown she is just an elderly lady like the rest of us.

Tangerine Thu 08-Aug-19 15:11:24

Urmanstangran - perhaps he knows, feels embarrassed and doesn't know what to say.

I think, with elderly people, the muscles near the anal sphincter weaken. This has happened to a relative of mine.

He never says anything. I just pretend I haven't heard. It must be embarrassing.