Black Dog Gang 4

Warm wishes to Annie and the Black dog gang
Feel a bit if a fraud asking for advice, when I don't actually contribute and offer any advice to this thread.
But I do read most days and feel as though I know you all.

I did post some months ago,
that I had been advised by my doctor to self refer to the wellbeing clinic.

I suffer from virtually 24/7 anxiety.
I have disturbed sleep and bad dreams.

I took the advice and have spoke via telephone and then face to
face to 3 different counsellors since last October.
I have now been assigned 'hopefuly' a permanent counsellor.
I met the lady just before Christmas and she gave me some literature to read .
It would seem that I am required to keep a worry diary

1 Think about a what is causing me anxiety or worry

2 Clarify the worry

3 use problem solving techniques suggested in the literature.

Sorry this is so long
My dilemma
I have read and mostly understood.
There are several case studies which again I have read and taken board.
But I cannot bring myself to write my anxiety down on paper!
I have tried.
I know it sound mad, but I can't risk whatever I write being discovered.
I don't keep a diary for this reason.

At the start of my counselling I was advised that I must take part fully in the sessions.
I fully understand that there are many people desperately awaiting help.

I would be able to recount verbally.

I come from a private family and always said to my children that family business stays in the family.

Any thoughts.
I am worried that she will think I am not making an effort and wasting their time.

I have couple of weeks until my next appointment and it seems
that the counselling is now adding to my anxiety !

Hi cherry tree I have heath anxiety.. I have problems saying what is wrong with me. I certainly can not wright it down on paper, it’s horrible but I have no answers for you, I hope someone can give some advice that could help us both. I really feel for you Cherrytree ....

Thank you Joce
I am so glad I am not alone in not wanting to write things down.
I just worry that she will think I am not fully committed.

I could be wrong hear, I think she should understand how hard it is for you.. we are not the only ones, they must deal with this day in day out.. tell her how you feel Cherrytree. Say it how it is for you I do, not easy but best way if you can. I found it so hard my therapist was very good with me. Good luck.. always hear to talk if we can help in any way ..

Hi all x

Cherry you are sharing here, this is what Black Dog is for x

Writing about our feelings is so different to speaking of them
one to one.

If I may ask ?

Do you fear other than the counsellor will read
what you write ?

Do you not want to see your thoughts in black and white ?

Is it possible to contact the counsellor to explain?

fear of expressing your feelings in writing should be accepted
as any other fear.

Are you able to share here an answer to my first two questions?

Annie you should be a counsellor, that is my problem I think I don’t want to see it in black and white.

Joyce

Understandable my love, the written word means it’s there in
black and white, it really is facing a fear and facing a fear is so
hard .

I had this problem this morning when typing in my diary ,
I entered how I slept , then I said I had an anxious thought in the night, could not write the thought , could think it but not
type it.

Hi cherrytree. You are always welcome here whether you post or not.
Our thoughts, what goes on in our minds, are the most intimate of details. To be able to share those thoughts I think is difficult for many.
When I had counselling I had to explain why I had claustrophobia and what caused me to panic. Quite easy really. Claustrophobia is a known phobia and I get afraid of being Enclosed and suffocated. That is one kind of feeling. But ask me why I worry at night, why my anxiety sometimes drives me crazy and I would have to think long and hard before I told anyone. Your thoughts are deeply personal and to tell this to another requires an extraordinary amount of trust. You do not really know this permanent counsellor she needs to gain your trust. I think you should write down what you can within limits and then go and explain to her why you have a problem writing things down and your worries about writing them down without saying what they are (sorry that probably doesn’t make much sense). I think you need to talk to this counsellor. She should be able to understand. It must be quite a common reaction I would think.
Good luck with it and hope it helps.

Annie I know you are right, even for me to read what you have said scares me. It’s a horrible feeling.. I find taking no, actually saying word out loud scares me, I just can’t do it.

Sorry that should say talking

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Joce you are right the counsellor should understand.
My problem of not being able at present to actually write my thoughts down is probably not unique.

Annie maybe I am avoiding seeing things in black and white.
and have not as yet formed a relationship with a counsellor.

I have thought about my dilemma over the xmas period and it is more than likely family related.

Brought up not air dirty laundry etc.

Just after giving birth to my first child (23 yrs old) I discovered that my mother had a terminal illness.
My father went to bits and I had to take over family finances and also look out for my young teenage sister.
I was the one that had read in 'black and white' medical letters, diagnosis etc.

When mum finally died there was personal paperwork in the house that I had wished I had not seen.

When my paternal grandmother had a stroke and died, I knew that she would have letters from my father regarding a deep seated family dispute and that due to distance they would be discovered by a third party.
I was not wrong.

So I (should say we) have put our affairs in order and hopefully if I died tomorrow there would be no nasty surprises in my possessions for my dear husband or children to find.

If I chose to write my thoughts, worries, problems down then I could cause unnecessary hurt, guilt etc if I suddenly died or became suddenly
incapacitated.

My mother in law chose to burn volumes of diaries that she had religiously kept up until she was in her seventies.
She stopped writing her daily diary.
At the time I thought it was her right, but sad that so much social history re the War etc would be lost
Now I totally understand why she destroyed them.

Doodle you are right, I somehow have to find the trust to divulge if only verbally.
It is early days.
Night time thoughts are hard and yes can drive me crazy also.

Can I ask if any of you through counselling has gained an insight into your anxiety and are now able to a least use some sort of techniques to alleviate the symptoms?

Apologies for taking up do much of this thread, but I have been mentally tying myself in knots and dreading my next counselling session.

Thank you for reading?

Cherry please, please never apologise here , thank you for
explaining and it certainly is understandable why you don’t
want to write your fears and feelings down.

This needs to be explained to your counsellor, trust and understanding works both ways in any relationship and it takes time to develop a relationship.

Post as often as you wish, there is always someone in here every day x

No need to apologise cherry we all have times of heightened anxiety and I have had lots of support on this thread.
My anxiety (worry really) is all related to my DGS and his problems in life. I don’t think counselling would help me as unless someone waves a magic wand and helps him I will continue worrying.
I did have CBT for my claustrophobia and it did work. I didn’t think it did at the time but it certainly set me on the right track and to a certain extent I have now overcome my phobia.
I think if your anxiety is related to things that have happened in the past then I am sure that is something counselling can help with. Please keep posting anytime you want.?

Thank you Annie

Doodle I believe we share similar DGS concerns and anxiety.

Yes cherry it’s so sad isn’t it. To have these lovely grandchildren that have so many problems in day to day life.

Don’t give up hope please, I know our concerns were/are for
our grandchildren we adore even if for different reasons. I still worry daily about my three
and this causes me anxiety and restless nights.

No we must never give up hope annie. You are right. We need something to hold onto. I keep praying for him every day and hope that he will get some friends to make his life better.
I hope you are still enjoying your audio book. I love a good story.
joce are you feeling better now?
Sleep well my friends ...and try not to worry ?

He is in my prayers Doodle x

Oh bless you annie. It means so much. x

He has been since I first learned of his troubles and will continue to be , every morning 9.30 x

Thank you annie. Your prayers mean a lot.x

Every prayer is heard Doodle x

Doodle I am thank you I see the neurologist tomorrow feeling really anxious at the thought. Hopefully she will be pleased with me.. good night all. Sleep ? well God bless .

Joyce she will be pleased with you x

Annie thank you, I hope so x