Being fat and out of control - fat shaming

seacliff I can relate to every word of your heartfelt post. You are not alone by any means - and those of us who struggle with this daily will be thanking you for describing so eloquently, our frustrations and the feelings of despair, when yet again, food is our prop. I wish that I knew the answer, because I'd be sharing far and wide, but like you, I feel stuck and out of control. Food is the highlight of my days. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I hope you get the help you need Seacliff. I wish you well.

Don't know if this will help but I hope it does.

I was overweight, constantly hungry, one day, like a bolt out of the blue, it dawned on me that what I was hungry for WAS NOT food. I was hungry for some love. I had no one to love me so I put the time in to learn how to love myself. It worked for me, you have nothing to lose by trying it. Good luck.

Weight is such a complex thing! If it was just a case of eat less move more, we could all manage it. I was edging towards morbidly obese (probably got there). 5.2 and just over 15 stone!. All fairly solid though. I have managed to lose a stone by using an app to monitor what I eat. It has helped me realise the amount of calories I was consuming! I lost a stone in the first month - but no more since (about 3 months), but it has stayed off! I put this down to using the stairs at work everyday instead of the lift. 3 flights. I had hoped to drop another stone or two by now - but it just isn't happening. As the darker evenings approach I can feel myself slipping into hibernation mode. Eat and sleep. I should have been a bear!

Try not to beat yourself up - the more you try to deny yourself the bigger the craving will be. Try an app - it may help, and if you use a lift for three or four flights - walk one of them. Love yourself first and foremost.

This is a long one. Make tea!

seacliff (and all others struggling with this situation) I'd like to offer some positive strategies. (Nothing worthwhile is easy.) Instead of beating yourself up and telling yourself you are out of control, will you try to turn all the negatives into positives? Will you accept that every day you decide what you will eat? No one is twisting your arm or force feeding you.

I went on a work based course that taught us, categorically, that you have to want something enough to be motivated to achieve it. So, you have to want to lose weight more than you want that doughnut. If you decide that you want the doughnut more than the weight loss, go ahead! You are in control and that's your decision. No regrets! (But no lies!)

When you reach for food, tell yourself:
"I am in control. I decide whether or not to eat this. I am strong enough to resist this."
If you walk away from it, give yourself a huge pat on the back. See how strong you are!

When you are shopping for food, tell yourself:
"I am in control. I decide whether or not to buy this. I am strong enough to resist this."
If you walk away from it, congratulate yourself. You are strong enough to do this! Calculate what you save by resisting buying unhealthy stuff and put the money in a jar. Watch it mount up.

Distraction is a huge help. If you feel hungry, have a cup of tea or coffee (enjoy it without sugar, no lattes!) or water and find something absorbing to do. Go for a walk, take up a hobby.

Lastly, many people say they simply have no willpower. That's just an excuse, a lie they tell themselves.

Willpower is like a muscle. If you exercise it, it gets stronger.

Start small by cutting out one snack food. If you don't buy it, you haven't got it so you can't eat it!

*You are in control!*and

If all this sounds like smug psychobabble, it's not. I've accepted it and made it work. Twenty-three years ago, I chose to achieve my karate black belt by training at a tough club I'd been avoiding. I really, really wanted it so I got over my fear. More recently, and more relevantly, I have lost 26lb on the 5:2 intermittent fasting way of eating. I wanted the health benefits to avoid the age related conditions my mother had. That was important enough for me to stick to it.

Again - sadness for you and also my daughter who is in the same situation.

I can only suggest thinking about the contributions you are making to other people's lives - starting here where so many feel similarly and are equally puzzled and depressed by their situations.

I found that, having been fat all my childhood and constantly reminded of the need to eat 'properly' by my mother - which I did - her meals (!) and no snacks - really.

When I married and left home I have slowly slimmed down as I realised that I have a useful part to play in my family and local community.

It was sad that my mother died thinking I was irrevocably fat and useless. Hers is not a life I want to emulate.

So. sit down and think about the kind things you say, probably habitually, to people so they feel better. It makes you happier if you make others happier. Words are the key - not enough people smile and seem pleased to see others - all others. We can all do this and it strengthens communities. Think how you value the people who you know will greet you with a smile.

I realise this sounds trite but it has worked for me. I no longer depend on food for happiness - albeit temporary - I like to see others happy and know that we all get a boost from triggering a smile in someone else.

Try it and see.

Good luck!

Not here to judge but my wake up call was getting hiatus hernia , having surgery theh going on an NHS Paris rehab programme at a gym which is 3x6 month seesions with /out a trainer who is there if you want them . Maybe your weight alone could entitle you to this .
I comfort ate . My knees were painful . I had little confidence .
Now 20 months later , 19kg lighter and maintaining - I am healthier , got new job aged 59 and can buy clothes I like .
I am healthier too .
Depends what you want your future to be but with little effort and no trendy diets I am proof that a few tweaks are all that is needed .

I am overweight like yourself. I eat crisps all the time. I am lazy. I cant move about easily so exercise is impossible. I smoke and eat crisps. I cant afford this lifestyle. I have mental health problems but there is no mental health care left. Maybe i am killing myself slowly but i do not care

Learn to love yourself as you are and others will love to too .

seacliff - I can relate to everything you write and completely empathise with you. I was slim until my 40s. I filled out a bit in my early 50s and managed to lose it all again through daily walking and running around at work. I took an office-based post which was the beginning of the rot. Members of my close family all have significant, in one case life-altering problems and I struggle to cope with it all. I comfort eat +++ and, as you say, am filled with self-loathing afterwards. It’s not easy at all. I’ve detailed this to let you know I understand. It’s motivation that seems to disappear, despite knowing all the health risks and ‘I’ll just eat this all now because I’m starting the diet tomorrow’. So, so hard.
I wish you all the best and hope that you get support very soon.

Compulsive eating is an addictive problem, the same as other addictions and maybe harder to break. At least with alcohol, drugs and tobacco you can beat the addiction by never taking the substance again...food however you need to eat daily. There is a group called over eaters anonymous you can find details online. Hope it helps.

I never gave a thought to dieting until in my 50s. Then the pounds started to creep up and since then it has been a stop start process. Tried many diet clubs which work for a while but then the pounds start to come back. Bodies do acclimatised to a lower amount of food eventually and then start to build up again. It is a vicious circle.

I have had a weight problem most of my adult life, but at one point I did run a slimming club, and I realised very quickly that for the majority of women, weight is more about emotional turmoil than anything else.
How many of us truly believe we "are worth it"? How many of us can look in a mirror and say that out loud?
Well I read the earlier post about The Gabriel Method, and bought a 2nd hand copy after looking at this review:
livingthenourishedlife.com/book-of-month-review-gabriel-method/
I am definitely worth £2:97.

Hi seacliff...you may benefit from some cognitive behavioural
Therapy...food should be enjoyed...if you are eating a lot of carbs which turn into sugar in your body you may be addicted to its high and low effect...i joined a low carb eating page and in two years have changed my relationship with food. Its not easy to change a habit but life is about choice and you may need to make the best one for you...loads of ideas and support here....you are not alone.

your age has nothing to do with weight gain . Also it’s 80% food and 20% exercise. It’s knowledge as well in eating the right things that will keep you fuller for longer and not craving sweet stuff . I’m a great believer in exercise as it helps mentally as well as physically . I’m 58 running is my first love and I also attend the gym . Park run is such a good place to start , you don’t have to run you can just walk . I would love to help this lady ? xxx

What a good suggestion

I have been over weight/obese most of my life. Three years ago my daughter got engaged and I was determined to lose some weight before the wedding which was to take place only 5½ months later. I am 5ft 3in and was 16 stone. I managed to lose 3 stone, so still over weight but oh so much better than before. I didn't set myself a target, but worked on the basis of 1lb at a time. Each time I lost 1lb it encouraged me to lose another. I cut out virtually all processed food and ate natural foods. Having worked hard to lose the weight, I was determined not to let it slip back on. I lost a further ½ stone after the wedding but that bit did slip back on. However I am still 3 stone lighter than I was, and am now starting to work at losing more weight in time for another wedding in a year's time. 1lb at a time is my mantra! Don't set yourselves impossible goals as failing is so easy.

Historically, the incidences of extreme, difficult to control obesity began to rise in the era of the prodigious use of BPA laden plastics - the 1960s. BPA is a recognized endocrine disrupting chemical and leaches into the food it comes in contact with and then into the body of the consumer.

The endocrine system is the collection of glands that produce hormones that regulate metabolism, growth and development, tissue function, sexual function, reproduction, sleep, and mood, among other things.

BPA is gradually being removed from consumer products but research into its permanent effects from past usage, especially fetal exposure, has been limited.

Hi - just responding to LolaRose4 post about the 20% part of calorie burn so to speak being attributable to exercise, I applaud her running but what about problems of stress incontinence? What other forms of activity do you recommend? I’ve just bought new swimming costume and plan to park on other side of town to get there (have to drive - live in village some distance away). It’s going to take courage with all the very visible self harm marks on my arms, though once in the water I should be ok.
The whole thinking around weight makes me despair having an Anorexic daughter who last year spent most of the year in an Eating Disorders unit, 70 miles away from home at 14 yrs old. She’s still stick thin now and seen weekly by CAHMS unit. It’s caused such stress for her, her sister and me.

Sorry to ramble. I’m glad this post was started though.

Lizzypop gives several of the sensible strategies that you get by attending one of the slimming clubs. They have programmes if you choose to do it where you write down what you eat each day. That does focus you. And also ways to stop having the triggers that make you want to eat. And how to form otehr habits, not the ones where you have a donut at this time because you did last time. The encouragement is that you can form good habits as well as bed ones.

And as you lose the weight and keep to the plan, not ever being hungry and not cutting out all nice things but trading what you want for what is less fattening, your stomach shrinks! After 14 years on the plan I can no longer binge really! When we have a special occasion and a takeaway I can no longer really pig out! So it does get better. And i actually feel better and more comfortable sticking to the plan. If you begin it gets easier!

Your post makes me feel sad for you. I’m overweight myself on steroids too for many years due to bad health etc, if it was so easy to lose weight love, there would be no overweight ppl we would all be slim. It’s very very hard, yours does sound like you have an eating disorder and I’m guessing the more you eat as you are unhappy the more weight goes on. Have you any friends you can speak to or family about this, Are you able to go out walking or any form of exercise, my heart goes out to you, yes there are ppl that judge they have no idea about what another person goes through, could you start going to Slimming world where you would find others in the same position, I know it’s going to be a big step for a start, they are great places, where everyone is supportive to one another Good luck

You're right that food is an addiction for 2 reasons. (1) that we are taught from a young age to "self soothe" ourselves using it (rather than being offered emotional help), and (2) the food that we mainly use to do this are loaded with sugar and refined carbs - both highly addictive - did you know that sugar (for some people) is actually more addictive than cocaine? I was out of control with food for a long time before I managed to get counselling for my emotional issues, plus I did a plan called Bright Line Eating - you can go onto their website and take a free test to see where you are on the "food susceptibility scale" - some of us are highly susceptible to getting addicted to certain foods; it's not being weak willed, it's in our GENES. The founder of BLE published a book on it. Also, look at the books by Dr Michael Mosley (from his BBC programme) - the Blood Sugar Diet (you don't have to do it to lose weight - just to learn how to cook and eat food that is higher in fat, which is more satisfying, and has no sugar and refined carbs in it). Don't blame yourself - blame the lack of psychological support in our society (in my area there is currently a 18 month wait for psychological therapy!) plus the food industry that uses super cheap ingredients to get us hooked. Hang in there - change IS possible and you can do it. Good luck x

Hi Seacliff. You poor love. You're not alone you know, there are loads of us out here in the same boat, in my case, a rather large one as well! My daughter is also very obese and it's affecting her health, and she's only 34! She has yoyo dieted for years and years to no lasting affect. She is at her biggest now at a size 26-28. I persuaded her to go to her GP and amazingly, they referred her to the hospital obesity clinic, a local service that investigates why she over-eats through counselling and group support on a fortnightly basis. She has been told NOT to diet but they have given her just small steps to take e.g. eat breakfast, try walking home from work twice a week etc. This will continue for about 12 months and at the end she will be given the option of continuing with the course and having weight reduction surgery on the NHS. Go and see your GP and see if your local hospital offer anything like it. The amount of money the NHS save by using these methods far outweighs the money they spend on all the various ailments obese people suffer with. Good luck and let us all know how you get on eh?

Seacliff. Please dont beat yourself up. You sound like a lovely person and thats whats most important.
There are good hypnosis tapes and videos on You Tube which could be helpful and they are free.
Thinking of you.

Seacliff, I was so sorry to read how difficult things are for you. I hope the support of others on here will help you.

I currently have a 2019 paperback book from the library called Brain Changer, by Professor Felice Jacka. On the cover it says:

"Obesity and depression are two major causes of disease and disability across the globe and each influences the other.

Food does affect mood: highly processed foods increase depression risk, while a balanced, whole-food diet can prevent depression and improve mood."

Dr Michael Mosley says on the front cover "This is a fascinating book by a leading researcher".

As well as the latest findings on this - "You feel how you eat", there is a recipe section and a one week menu plan.

I hope that you might be able to get a copy through your library (and no, I don't have any connections to the author or publisher!) and enjoy reading more about what you are currently battling alone. I wish you luck, however you tackle your problem, and hope you update us on your progress as so many here are wishing you well.