BLACK DOG 8

Annie- one day at a time with this second Lockdown . The days are a bit like Groundhog Day but we are lucky to be able to get out and enjoy our walking. The weather at the moment is very mild so we are taking advantage of it.Today we went to pharmacy and on the way back I braved the local coffee shop and got takeaway coffees. We sat on a bench in the sun with them -a treat. Then went walking again this afternoon- that,ll
Be me dropping off in front of the tele tonight!
Glad you sussed out the Irish question. Hope your MT gets well soon.
Doodle - if I check things it’s always with safety in mind. My daughter is a plug checker too. Hope you,re ok today.
Bluesky- please try not to worry about the coughing man. I think I have posted before that my nurse DGD has had Covid patients cough directly in her face and so far has remained Covid free. You were outside and have done everything right.
I would have done exactly what you did.
Chrissy- sorry you are so worried about your leg. If you spoke to your daughter about your leg many months ago and it’s no worse now I am sure you have just frightened yourself. It’s an awful feeling - one I know very well . Hope your GP is able to reassure you next week.
Nonnie- glad you had nice people on your walk yesterday it really makes your day when that happens doesn’t it. Today we had a dear little boy run up to us and said Hello and put his hand out as if to shake mine! I felt sad not to be able to but it was for his sake and mine. He was adorable.
I am sure your friend was so grateful for your kindness giving her a lift.

Thank you everyone
Annie I hope MT’s results are back soon and it’s negative.
Nonnie I’m a great list maker as well, I get satisfaction from crossing things off when I’ve done them. Glad you had a productive morning. I’ll do what you suggest and stick to one topic with the GP.
Annie I’m going to write everything down that I need to say to the GP. On previous occasions I’ve come out from an appointment and realised that I’d forgotten to tell them something.
Scaredycat Sounds like you’ve had a good day, 2 walks and sitting in the sun with coffees. Thank you for your reassuring words about my leg.
Have a good evening everyone x

How true.. hugs to you all x

Me again everyone. I’ve been sitting and thinking about how I handle medical situations (or rather don’t handle them). I’ve never actually written it down or been truthful about it to anyone else. I hope you all won’t mind if I post it here. A word of warning, it will probably not make sense to any of you, it even surprises me when I think about it but here goes.

When I’m unwell I avoid going to the doctor’s even if I know it’s the right thing to do. I don’t want to hear that I have something serious. My preferred option is to bury my head in the sand and pretend that it will go away. Of course that is what happens most of the time but not always. If something doesn’t go away I keep trying to ignore it but I come to a point when I can’t ignore it any more so I sit at home getting myself into a terrible state until I decide that I have to see a doctor just to get any bad news over and done with.

The problem is that, when I get to see the GP, I still hold back. I want to tell them everything just to get it out of my head but I can’t do it. I want to hear reassurance not bad news.

I phoned my daughter back today to try and clarify what actually happened when I told her about being able to feel something under the skin in my leg. She said that I was getting a lot of leg cramps soon after starting statins and I made a GP appointment. She said that she told me to mention about feeling something under the skin. I do remember going about the cramps but do not remember telling the doctor about what I was really worried about. This doesn’t surprise me at all. If the GP is reassuring me that things are fine I don’t want to say something when he might not be so reassuring.

It sounds totally ridiculous I know, the truth is I’m terrified of going to the doctor’s just in case. So now I’m back in full panic mode because the doctor who sees my email will see that there is something under the skin on my leg. There’s no turning back now which is good in one way but terrifying in another.

After being here for a while now I felt ok with posting about all of this. You are the only people I have been totally honest with. Thanks for being so kind to me since I joined.

Hi Joce good to see you. As you say, very true x

Chrissy I’ve suffered with health anxiety all my life, when I had children I started to feel the same about them, any bruise, ache and pain etc would send me into a complete panic. I know what you mean by going to the doctor but not actually spelling out what’s been worrying you. I wish I had at the time as I would have spared myself the agony of looking up the medical encyclopaedia and fearing the worst.
Luckily I’m not so paranoid now even though I still have my moments. In the last few years I’ve had to face my worst fears when the GP sent me for scans. Hope all will be sorted for you soon x

Chrissy you are my twin. I am just they same in every way.. white coat syndrome big time.. I still can’t say or write how I feel, really wish I could, but you have done that for me.. Well done you.. ?
Hope everyone else a doing ok..

Chrissy I understand exactly what you are talking about.
It is fear. Fear that you will be upset, fear that something might be wrong, fear that you won’t be able to cope.
As long as you hide your head in the sand you keep worrying about what you fear but it’s not as bad as actually finding out that what you worry about may actually happen.
I know what you mean because I am the same. Not about health issues because I deal with those head on but about other issues in my life with family that I worry about.
The worry doesn’t actually change the outcome. If you have something wrong, not speaking to the GP won’t make it better. If nothing is wrong you are worrying needlessly. I know that and you know that, it’s just getting up the courage to face those fears head on. I am the same.
However, the difference between your worry and mine is that if there is anything wrong, the sooner you get it seen to the better.
It is quite likely that what you feel in your leg is nothing serious. It could be a small cyst. I have one in my leg. Sometimes it causes sharp pain and throbs and at other times I’m unaware of it.
Annie made the very suggestion I was going to, which is write it down. I would stick to the facts. Bullet points if you like and this time tell the GP your worries. Remember the mammogram. Same thing. Do it and we are here with you to hold your hand if needed. ?

Bluesky I am sure you have nothing to worry about with the chap on the bench. You were outside and probably not even looking in his direction. Try and forget about it. Enjoy your walks.
Annie I’m sure you’re worried about your MT. I hope her test is negative but if not I hope she has the mild version that most have . My son is sure he had it way back at the beginning in March.
Nonnie yes we are looked after by our sons too. It’s a nice feeling. I too have had a semi productive day. Cleaned bathrooms and sorted out all my sewing things.?

Joce that’s a nice post. Thank you for sharing it. How are you getting on?
Scaredycat the weather has been lovely today here too. Nice to have some sunshine. We had a long walk this afternoon. No coffee though. ?. Good to hear you are trying to get out and about.
lavender hope you are getting on ok.
Sleep well all x

Doodle thank you for asking. I am still struggling really struggling. But I will get there just taking me longer than usual.
I don’t think it’s helping worrying about my daughter who is due to have her baby any day now. I’m sure she will be ok but I’m a mum that’s what we do.. missing my grandkids like everyone. Very down with everything..

hope everyone else’s are doing ok I will keep plodding on...
I will try to keep up with everyone from time to time thinking of you all...

Hello everyone
Annie hope you are ok and the MT is also and the result is a negative. Such a worry for you.
Chrissy reading your very honest post about your health anxiety I hope has helped you. I think Annie and Doodle's suggestion that you write everything down for the dr may be the best thing to do. We are here to help you and for you to lean on when things feel bad and to help you through when you see the dr.
Scaredy glad you managed to get out into the fresh air for your walks.
Nonnie good that you were able to have a walk and see nice people when doing so. It lifts the spirits.
Bluesky don't worry about the coughing man, you were outside.
Joyce it is so good to see you. I love the "Highs and Lows" so very true. Take care.
Doodle hope you are ok.
Had a quiet day today which was good.
Have a peaceful evening everyone, and a good nights sleep.
Take care, stay safe, love to all including Flutterby and those I have missed out xx

Good night all x

Morning everyone. Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts.
BlueSky I’ve done the looking up symptoms in medical books and repeatedly checking in with Dr Google. I have actually stopped myself from doing that now as virtually every symptom came up with something really bad.
Joce I’m sorry that you suffer in the same way. I’ve never spoken about my feelings in the way that I did here yesterday. I hope that you will be able to do the same one day. It feels like a huge release of pent up anxieties.
Doodle You don’t know how much that means to me, saying that you understand. You’re absolutely right, the fear of being told that there ‘is’ actually something to be afraid of is greater than thinking that there ‘might’ be something to be afraid of. I’m sorry to hear that you have the same anxieties about your family. I understand that the outcome won’t change whether I bury my head in the sand or face things head on. That actually brings up another issue I have. My biggest fear is that I’ll be given a terminal diagnosis because, if that was to happen, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be able to cope. My thinking on that is that, if nothing could be done, I would rather not know. My family have always told me that if something is wrong it’s better to catch it sooner rather than later but what if I found out too late. The problem with my leg is an example. If I did notice the problem at the beginning of the year and I am only now telling the doctor there’s a good chance that it will be too late to deal with if it turns out to be something serious. I am going to write things down ready for when I speak to the GP.
Thank you lavenderzen.
Sorry for another long post everyone x

Annie I went to London to see a show a couple of nights ago and came back with a basket of wet washing in the car and walked around with it! Yes, strangest dreams, washing? Why?

I quite like it when the family care for me instead of the other way round. Hope you all feel the same, a bit of cossetting is very good.

As usual DH and I sat in bed with our coffee this morning putting the world to rights. We talked about the little things we can do to make a smile, for us and for others. A smile as we pass strangers in the street may be the only one they get that day. A little positive chat with the person at the checkout doing such a thankless task, thanking the bus driver as we get off the bus etc, and, most importantly, listening properly with empathy.

Thanks for that Joce it is just the reminder we all need. You are struggling but it sounds like you are doing your best to think positively about it all. You can do no more. Of course you worry about your DD giving birth, that is perfectly natural. I hope you will be allowed to see the baby safely.

Chrissey I think that is probably quite normal, or at least not unusual and certainly not rediculous. I ignore things and hope they will go away and am always surprised when they don't. If I Google something and I only have 8 out of 10 symptoms I assume I don't have whatever it is. I also tend to see everything from the doc's perspective, all the worried well who come in, which means I don't expect them to take my issue seriously. I try to remind myself that I have to go back a few times before they will take any action. DH has knee issues which have only prompted action after about 5 conversations with the GP, 2 x-rays and telephone physio.

Scardycat your walks sound delightful. Your mention of plugs is making me wonder about OCD for DS & Dil, they switch off all plugs after using them, never asked why.

Doodle wise words, well put.

Morning again everyone
Doodle well done for having a semi-productive day yesterday. I managed to do a pile of ironing that I had been putting off.
Joce I’m so sorry that you’re struggling badly, I hope that you’re soon feeling more settled. I understand your concerns about your daughter but how exciting that you’re about to be a grandparent again.
Nonnie I wondered what you were talking about when you said you went to a show in London . Good to hear that you and your DH are still putting the world to rights every morning ? Thank you for your thoughts about seeing a doctor, I’m sure that they do get a lot of the worried well during their days. Not good though that genuinely unwell patients don’t have their symptoms taken seriously.

Annie I hope that your MT has had her results and they’re negative.

Hi to Flutterby Scaredycat lavenderzen and anyone I’ve forgotten.

Have a good day everyone x

Hi all x

My mini tornado has the virus, she feels really unwell.

Chrissy when you have your telephone appointment concentrate on what troubles you the most. I agree with your
family on having a diagnosis, so much can be done for most
health problems if treated early . x

Joyce thank you for the message you posted , a new life on the way, exciting x

*nonnie, you dreamt of washing ? , that’s a nightmare x

Hugs to all x

I made a list for my recovery from Agoraphobia- again.

1. Knee, hip and foot twisted out of alignment,too painful to walk so muscles very weak, contact physio dept.

Physiotherapist- ‘there are very good exercises on uTube ‘

mmmm, not for twisted knees .

2. Borrow wheelchair from Red Cross so I can go down garden path .

‘Red Cross’ - sorry we can’t loan one, we cannot deliver now’.

deleted my agor list .

Afternoon all x Annie sorry your MT has the virus, hopefully she’ll soon get over it being young. Sadly your other problems prevent you from looking forwards, really the Red Cross still can’t deliver? What about Social Services?
Joce how lovely a new grandchild! You are bound to worry as a mum, we’ll always do that, even when our children are parents themselves.
Nonnie nice to have your children around you, I do think that when only one of us will be left, we won’t have anybody nearby. We’ll just have to manage like so many.
Off for our daily walk soon but won’t be sitting on any bench, lesson learnt!
Hope you’ll all have a pleasant afternoon x

Hi everybody.
Annie I am so sorryMT has the virus . I hope she will soon start to recover and feel strong again. She has youth on her side. You must be so concerned for her.
Your physio has a very uncaring attitude I think and as for the Red Cross I can’t believe they won’t deliver a chair for you. There are so many deliveries going on at the moment. Perhaps there is someone local who could loan you one. Take care and Big hugX
Chrissy - it was so brave of you to open up like you did yesterday. I,m so glad it has helped how you feel. Everything you said made sense to me.
Joce - what a lovely thing to look forward to a new Grandchild. I hope he or she makes a safe entry into the world soon . Does your DD live near you? Sorry to hear you are struggling - hope you feel stronger soon
Bluesky hope you had a nice walk and didn,t bump into coughing man again.
It’s been a sad day today my DH lovely Auntie died this morning after being very ill. She was such a nice person and we will miss her. I couldn’t sleep last night thinking of her and
then of course all sorts of anxieties decided to keep me awake too. News of illness always makes my imagination go into overdrive . Tonight will be better hopefully. Doodle ,Lavender,Nonnie ,Flutterby and anyone I have missed I hope you too have a good night.xx

Evening everyone
Annie I’m so sorry to hear that your MT has tested positive. Of course you’re going to worry about her but I can only echo what others have said, she has youth on her side and will hopefully not have any serious symptoms. That’s terrible that the Red Cross can’t deliver a wheelchair. Postmen and milkmen are still delivering so I don’t understand why they can’t. I’ve already made a list of things to say to the doctor.
BlueSky I often think about what it will be like when one off us goes but, as you say, we will have to manage like a lot of other people.
Scaredycat Thank you for saying that you understood what I said. I’m sorry to hear that your DHs Auntie has passed away. I hope you have a better night’s sleep tonight.
Hi Doodle Nonnie Flutterby Joce lavenderzen
I hope that everyone has a nice evening and sleeps well x

Annie thoughts and prayers for the MT. I know how worried you will be, sending love xx Can't understand why the Red Cross can't bring a wheelchair, I truthfully think people are "hiding" behind this virus and using it as an excuse to do b****r all, I really do. Very like my dr and drs surgery. I despair. Keep your list in mind Annie you will get there.
Your dream about the wet washing made me laugh Nonnie aren't we all having strange dreams at the moment, I think its all down to this situation we find ourselves in.
Chrissy we will all be thinking about you and the drs appointment. Chin up and say everything you want to say.
Joyce the baby is due soon, that has soon passed. Everything will be fine. I know you miss your little ones, keep talking to them.
Scaredy so sorry to hear about your DH's auntie. Hope sleep comes to you tonight.
Doodle hope you are ok.
Quiet day here today, lots of doing nothing in particular.
Have a peaceful evening everyone, and a good nights sleep. Take care, stay safe, love to all including those I have missed Flutterby etc. xx

Joce that new baby will bring some happiness during this lockdown period. Do let us know how things go.
lavender I am fine thank you. Hope you are doing well too.
Chrissy I know you think you wouldn’t be able to cope if something happened. I think we all feel like that. The reality is that we do cope. Somehow we get through and keep plodding on. I hope you do talk about your leg worries with your GP and get the issue resolved.
Nonnie you had me wondering why you were going round with a basket of wet washing till I realised you were dreaming ?
Annie I’m so sorry your MT has the virus. You said you thought it was likely from her texts. I hope she is on the mend soon and isn’t too poorly.
It’s a shame your plans for getting out keep being thwarted. I hope when the current period of lockdown is over you might be able to get a wheelchair from the Red Cross or as Bluesky said, social services.
Hope you enjoyed your walk today Bluesky it was a bit wild and windy here today.
Scaredycat sorry to hear about your DHs auntie. You were obviously very fond of her. I hope you sleep well tonight.
Take care all. Sweet dreams (without washing Nonnie) ?

Good night all x

Annie so sorry to hear that. Will pray for her and you too. Please keep us informed. The numbers of people I now hear of is rising rapidly, so far not my family but it seems inevitable.

Not sure that list was much help but please keep it all in mind. I think it was you who told us all that 'this too will pass'. Maybe we just have to accept that at times life is a bitch? (That always feels insulting to dogs)

Joce how did I miss the bit about a new GC? So excited for you.

BlueSky yes, I think of that every time I hear students complaining about their restrictions. Those who feel constrained by the pandemic are no worse off than lonely elderly people and probably far better off with all the online communication.

Scardycat I think it might be the system of physio at the moment, DH only gets telephone help too.

Sorry to hear about auntie, these things run deep and lead to more anxiety.

Doodle no washing last night, no dreams at all, slept through for which I am truly thankful.

Interesting 'discussion' with DH this morning, he is not happy that I sorted the pantry yesterday. Kitchen is his domain and I 'interfered'. I assured him that, yes, he could still find everything, it was just that now all the same things were in the same place and it would be easier for him to use up all the part used bags of rice instead of opening yet another one. Oops This happens very now and again because I am organised and he is not, pretty sure he finds me annoying. We are now going out for an exploratory drive just so we know the route for future reference. This could be 'interesting' as well because I will be driving I hope you all relate to this situation. Yes, we are still friends.

Morning everyone
Thank you lavenderzen . Hope you slept well last night.
Doodle I will tel my GP about my concerns, I’ve already written down key points.
Nonnie I’m glad that you slept better last night. We’re the same, my DH vey messy and I’m ridiculously organised. DH does all the cooking so I try not to interfere too much. I hope that the drive out goes ok.
Hi to everyone else. I’m of to my acupuncture session now.
Have a good day everyone x